9th September - The 'Downton Abbey' World Premiere

September 9th 2019.

Presumably, like me, you sent your Butler down to Leicester Square, pre-dawn on this day, to acquire a wristband to this event on your behalf. And, after waiting some 90 minutes longer than instructed, in my case they returned having obtained wristband #2 for the general public pen for the event. And needless to say like me you would have them whipped for daring to return with only the second best wristband available.

But one must make do with these small inconveniences, and after arriving at Leicester Square half an hour later than instructed, and having to wait an additional 90 minutes longer, it hardly seems worth mentioning it when one is dealing with the lower classes whose notions of time and punctuality are barely above the Neanderthal.

Sigh. Here’s how one was forced to tolerate it all:

One might have expected the stage for a World Premiere to be a trifle taller, but we are talking of an imminently post-Brexit United Kingdom here. And those stairs are clearly imported from countries with shorter locals.

One might have expected the stage for a World Premiere to be a trifle taller, but we are talking of an imminently post-Brexit United Kingdom here. And those stairs are clearly imported from countries with shorter locals.

“This should look great when framed and hanging above one’s fireplace… once one gets a fireplace”  Sadly like so much on television (and indeed in and of British Culture) I have little to no knowledge of Downton Abbey - I’ve never watched it. But I assume it’s about how the Aristocracy is awesome, and indeed are the thin veneer that is all that is stopping this country from sliding into a morass of anarchy, depravity and improperly served tea.

“This should look great when framed and hanging above one’s fireplace… once one gets a fireplace”
Sadly like so much on television (and indeed in and of British Culture) I have little to no knowledge of Downton Abbey - I’ve never watched it. But I assume it’s about how the Aristocracy is awesome, and indeed are the thin veneer that is all that is stopping this country from sliding into a morass of anarchy, depravity and improperly served tea.

“I’ve heard Maggie Smith will have our Butlers shot if even a small part of the brass sidings of these stars isn’t gleaming. I think she’s a Baroness, now… she can probably do that…”  My knowledge of British Aristocracy is limited to (a) weird hats, (b) spectacular moustaches, and (c) declining to attend Trooping the Colour because The Queen didn’t ask them personally. I of course attend that event… mainly to show my personal disdain for it all.

“I’ve heard Maggie Smith will have our Butlers shot if even a small part of the brass sidings of these stars isn’t gleaming. I think she’s a Baroness, now… she can probably do that…”
My knowledge of British Aristocracy is limited to (a) weird hats, (b) spectacular moustaches, and (c) declining to attend Trooping the Colour because The Queen didn’t ask them personally. I of course attend that event… mainly to show my personal disdain for it all.

“Yo, vats irght, all you fools who thought “We’ve Been Expecting Yo” was just a spelling mistake in the movie’s tag-line. Wassup Leicester Square….. LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE!!!! Until Dame Maggie Smith arrives and commands her Butlers to tell us all to hush, of course.”  Your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mister Impact, and his Deejay DownTown presided over the warmup. And anyone who thinks Rap/RnB wasn’t around in early 1900s clearly doesn’t have any of those Gramophones.

“Yo, vats irght, all you fools who thought “We’ve Been Expecting Yo” was just a spelling mistake in the movie’s tag-line. Wassup Leicester Square….. LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE!!!! Until Dame Maggie Smith arrives and commands her Butlers to tell us all to hush, of course.” Your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mister Impact, and his Deejay DownTown presided over the warmup. And anyone who thinks Rap/RnB wasn’t around in early 1900s clearly doesn’t have any of those Gramophones.

“And we’re sure this will keep the commoners at bay? I hear they’re quite insistent…”  The talent moat for this event was kind of unprecedently long and fairly exclusive as befitting a world premiere, and I decided not to pull rank and insist on having my favourite armchair brought ito the pen for me to recline on. Meanwhile, Geraldine James was the first arrival, she plays the role of “Queen Mary” in the film.

“And we’re sure this will keep the commoners at bay? I hear they’re quite insistent…” The talent moat for this event was kind of unprecedently long and fairly exclusive as befitting a world premiere, and I decided not to pull rank and insist on having my favourite armchair brought ito the pen for me to recline on. Meanwhile, Geraldine James was the first arrival, she plays the role of “Queen Mary” in the film.

“I believe Queen Mary’s exact words were “Yo… Where My Tea an’ Scones Be At??”. “  There was a conspicuous absence of freeness at this event - no posters, gift-bags, DVDs, merchandise, etc. I suppose that’s historically accurate : the Aristocracy does not typically share their wealth with the commoners. It tends to encourage them to ask for more.

“I believe Queen Mary’s exact words were “Yo… Where My Tea an’ Scones Be At??”. “
There was a conspicuous absence of freeness at this event - no posters, gift-bags, DVDs, merchandise, etc. I suppose that’s historically accurate : the Aristocracy does not typically share their wealth with the commoners. It tends to encourage them to ask for more.

“So he said “I put a splash of milk on the Earl Grey and he was most displeased. I had him fired, of course”  Raquel Cassidy plays the role of “Phyllis Baxter” in the film (and 23 episodes of the show). My preferred variant of Earl Grey is Russian. Say what you will about them (and I have, and I will) but as a race they know what to do with bergamot.

“So he said “I put a splash of milk on the Earl Grey and he was most displeased. I had him fired, of course”
Raquel Cassidy plays the role of “Phyllis Baxter” in the film (and 23 episodes of the show). My preferred variant of Earl Grey is Russian. Say what you will about them (and I have, and I will) but as a race they know what to do with bergamot.

“I most certainly did NOT authorise for my carriage to be valet parked. Look at it - that reverse parking is terrible”  Kevin Doyle, at left, plays the role of Joseph Mosely in the film (and 46 episodes of the show). I decided to attend this premiere by taking an uber ,and not my Bentley - I requested the one that facilitates taller hats. You need to book those further in advance.

“I most certainly did NOT authorise for my carriage to be valet parked. Look at it - that reverse parking is terrible” Kevin Doyle, at left, plays the role of Joseph Mosely in the film (and 46 episodes of the show). I decided to attend this premiere by taking an uber ,and not my Bentley - I requested the one that facilitates taller hats. You need to book those further in advance.

“Where I come from they killed off most of the Aristocracy many centuries ago… and yet here you let them inbreed. How’s that working for your country?”  There were a conspicuously large number of overseas fans at this premiere, actually. I thought we’d done all we could do discourage them coming here?

“Where I come from they killed off most of the Aristocracy many centuries ago… and yet here you let them inbreed. How’s that working for your country?”
There were a conspicuously large number of overseas fans at this premiere, actually. I thought we’d done all we could do discourage them coming here?

“Wait… you’re PHOTOGRAPHING me? On a PHONE?? I thought an oil painting would be more appropriate…. or at worst a charcoal sketch if time doesn’t permit. We’re not animals… though I can no longer speak for you”  My painter is currently having a dalliance with one of the chambermaids. It’s most distressing.

“Wait… you’re PHOTOGRAPHING me? On a PHONE?? I thought an oil painting would be more appropriate…. or at worst a charcoal sketch if time doesn’t permit. We’re not animals… though I can no longer speak for you”
My painter is currently having a dalliance with one of the chambermaids. It’s most distressing.

“I felt the crown would send the wrong signal. Also it clashes with the tuxedo”  Simon Jones, who was the voice of Arthur Dent in the original Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio show (1981) is King George V in the film. My glasses are a bit more modern than his - sad to say I was having the prescription on my monocle altered and had to make do with two functioning lenses.

“I felt the crown would send the wrong signal. Also it clashes with the tuxedo”
Simon Jones, who was the voice of Arthur Dent in the original Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio show (1981) is King George V in the film. My glasses are a bit more modern than his - sad to say I was having the prescription on my monocle altered and had to make do with two functioning lenses.

“I like everything about you, your personal style and your life choices. But that doesn’t mean I have any intention of coming over there. But thanks for your inquiry!”  Kate Phillips plays the role of Mary, Princess Royal in the film, but I don’t see a tiara. Are we not staying in character for premieres these days? That’s most disappointing.

“I like everything about you, your personal style and your life choices. But that doesn’t mean I have any intention of coming over there. But thanks for your inquiry!”
Kate Phillips plays the role of Mary, Princess Royal in the film, but I don’t see a tiara. Are we not staying in character for premieres these days? That’s most disappointing.

“Well of course one must hit one’s Butlers - or at least have one of the other Butlers do it. How otherwise would they learn?”.  Indeed. There are bylaws in most country estates that allow treatment of butlers that those buffoons in Geneva want outlawed, but I’ve forced my Butlers to write to them to tell them their buffoonery is an affront to our nation’s customs.

“Well of course one must hit one’s Butlers - or at least have one of the other Butlers do it. How otherwise would they learn?”. Indeed. There are bylaws in most country estates that allow treatment of butlers that those buffoons in Geneva want outlawed, but I’ve forced my Butlers to write to them to tell them their buffoonery is an affront to our nation’s customs.

“In America we call our Aristocrats “Rich People”. I hear it’s not the same, but they still park their cars pretty much wherever they want to”  It’s not that I have anything against New Money, just the people they’re giving it to.

“In America we call our Aristocrats “Rich People”. I hear it’s not the same, but they still park their cars pretty much wherever they want to”
It’s not that I have anything against New Money, just the people they’re giving it to.

Imelda Staunton’s dress is… kind of just standing there, using Imelda Staunton to support it. It’s like one of those epiphyte vines in a rainforest, possibly not intending to harm its host but possibly unable not to.

Imelda Staunton’s dress is… kind of just standing there, using Imelda Staunton to support it. It’s like one of those epiphyte vines in a rainforest, possibly not intending to harm its host but possibly unable not to.

“These are not suspicious smiles on our faces. You can totally trust us. Also, would you like to buy a car off us?”  One hears the hired help talking of something called “Ebay” sometimes. I wasn’t aware a new trading port had opened recently - none of my advisors have invited me to invest in any overseas clipper expeeditions for some time.

“These are not suspicious smiles on our faces. You can totally trust us. Also, would you like to buy a car off us?” One hears the hired help talking of something called “Ebay” sometimes. I wasn’t aware a new trading port had opened recently - none of my advisors have invited me to invest in any overseas clipper expeeditions for some time.

“Sorry. I had no idea my hair would choose that precise moment to do that”  And that’s why tiaras are so useful, Miss.

“Sorry. I had no idea my hair would choose that precise moment to do that”
And that’s why tiaras are so useful, Miss.

“You disgust me, and I shall have to tell my Butler to slap your Butler to show my displeasure. Please make your Butler available at the earliest convenience”  My Butler is presently taking the rest the decade off for personal reasons, so I’m forced to reheat my own leftovers and open my own bottles of beer when editing photos for this journal. It’s no way to live.

“You disgust me, and I shall have to tell my Butler to slap your Butler to show my displeasure. Please make your Butler available at the earliest convenience”
My Butler is presently taking the rest the decade off for personal reasons, so I’m forced to reheat my own leftovers and open my own bottles of beer when editing photos for this journal. It’s no way to live.

“This bow tie cost more than your education. Come to think of it, and looking at you more closely, this bow-tie’s education probably cost more than your education”.  My (or rather my butler’s) baseball cap goes to community college, that’s why I wasn’t wearing it today, and Douglas Reith plays the role of Lord Merton in the movie (and 16 episodes of the show). My top hat is currently annoying the commoners behind me in the pen, but if they had any style I’d listen to them compliment me on its cut and cleave.

“This bow tie cost more than your education. Come to think of it, and looking at you more closely, this bow-tie’s education probably cost more than your education”.
My (or rather my butler’s) baseball cap goes to community college, that’s why I wasn’t wearing it today, and Douglas Reith plays the role of Lord Merton in the movie (and 16 episodes of the show). My top hat is currently annoying the commoners behind me in the pen, but if they had any style I’d listen to them compliment me on its cut and cleave.

“Yes, Parliament is a sham, but I’m afraid our stiff upper lips can’t get much stiffer than this”  Liz Trubridge and Gareth Neame are two producers of the movie, and executive producers of the show (all 52 episodes). Rumours that I was a consultant on the nuances of the British Aristocracy will be difficult to trace back to me as I’m getting my butler to type most of these.  Help me he’s a madman.

“Yes, Parliament is a sham, but I’m afraid our stiff upper lips can’t get much stiffer than this” Liz Trubridge and Gareth Neame are two producers of the movie, and executive producers of the show (all 52 episodes). Rumours that I was a consultant on the nuances of the British Aristocracy will be difficult to trace back to me as I’m getting my butler to type most of these. Help me he’s a madman.

I took a photo of somebody’s kids. They seemed pretty insistent, and I am after all a member of the working class, thus obliged to do the bidding of my social superiors…. is what I would say if I was maintaining the charade.

I took a photo of somebody’s kids. They seemed pretty insistent, and I am after all a member of the working class, thus obliged to do the bidding of my social superiors…. is what I would say if I was maintaining the charade.

I don’t actually know who this is but somebody excitedly suggested he had something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. I don’t know…. out of actors Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom I’m not sure who he most closely resembles.  edited to add: he’s Kevin McNally, who played Gibbs (the first mate, I think?) in all FIVE movies

I don’t actually know who this is but somebody excitedly suggested he had something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. I don’t know…. out of actors Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom I’m not sure who he most closely resembles.
edited to add: he’s Kevin McNally, who played Gibbs (the first mate, I think?) in all FIVE movies

“It took 11 episodes for me to get a surname, so you may be assured I’m moving up in the world”  Actor Michael Fox has gone from his role of “Andy” in 11 episodes of the show into “Andy Parker” in the movie. Meanwhile, my search for my elusive middle name continues… one makes do with being “The IIIrd”, but some days that’s just not enough.

“It took 11 episodes for me to get a surname, so you may be assured I’m moving up in the world” Actor Michael Fox has gone from his role of “Andy” in 11 episodes of the show into “Andy Parker” in the movie. Meanwhile, my search for my elusive middle name continues… one makes do with being “The IIIrd”, but some days that’s just not enough.

“Hark. I heard somebody say they wanted an autograph? Well… my butler is busy doing interviews on my behalf, telling everyone how much I enjoyed working on the show and the movie… I suppose I can sign one or two of your edicts or parchments or whatever you’ve brought to get signed…”

“Hark. I heard somebody say they wanted an autograph? Well… my butler is busy doing interviews on my behalf, telling everyone how much I enjoyed working on the show and the movie… I suppose I can sign one or two of your edicts or parchments or whatever you’ve brought to get signed…”

“I asked for a severe hairstyle, but if you ask me it’s still a bit too whimsical .…”  Tuppence Middleton was not in the original TV show Downton Abbey, but plays the role of Lucy in the film.

“I asked for a severe hairstyle, but if you ask me it’s still a bit too whimsical .…”
Tuppence Middleton was not in the original TV show Downton Abbey, but plays the role of Lucy in the film.

Michael Engler directed twice as many episodes of Sex & The City (eight) as he did episodes of Downton Abbey, and almost three time as many episodes of ‘30 Rock’ but parlayed those into directing this film. I’ve mainly managed to parlay building excel pricing models into… building more excel pricing models… but those are just a hobby of mine, anyway. Much like croquet and badminton and smoking cigars in clubs far too exclusive to talk about here.

Michael Engler directed twice as many episodes of Sex & The City (eight) as he did episodes of Downton Abbey, and almost three time as many episodes of ‘30 Rock’ but parlayed those into directing this film. I’ve mainly managed to parlay building excel pricing models into… building more excel pricing models… but those are just a hobby of mine, anyway. Much like croquet and badminton and smoking cigars in clubs far too exclusive to talk about here.

“Frankly, once you’ve got one hyphenated name you really should go for two or three, and then aim for an even dozen. Most of my friends laugh at me - I can hear them from my Bentley.”  Stephen Campbell-Moore plays the newly-created role of “Captain Chetwode” in the film.

“Frankly, once you’ve got one hyphenated name you really should go for two or three, and then aim for an even dozen. Most of my friends laugh at me - I can hear them from my Bentley.”
Stephen Campbell-Moore plays the newly-created role of “Captain Chetwode” in the film.

“A baseball cap, worn at an angle? Your taste in clothes is appalling. You should totally change your tailor, and get your new tailor to talk to your old tailor and tell them why.”  Imelda Staunton is still best known for playing the villainous (and pink-dressed) Dolores Umbridge in at least two Harry Potter films. She was prim and overly bureaucratic - precisely what one looks for in a principal - I’m not sure why the students didn’t embrace her.

“A baseball cap, worn at an angle? Your taste in clothes is appalling. You should totally change your tailor, and get your new tailor to talk to your old tailor and tell them why.”
Imelda Staunton is still best known for playing the villainous (and pink-dressed) Dolores Umbridge in at least two Harry Potter films. She was prim and overly bureaucratic - precisely what one looks for in a principal - I’m not sure why the students didn’t embrace her.

“I’m thinking of buying one of Stephen Campbell-Moore’s hyphenated names. I just have to wait til he admits he can’t repay me those losses from the on-set games of whist and baccarat…. “  Robert James-Collier plays the role of “Thomas Barrow” in the film…. and that suit jacket is a bit too garishly mid-20th century for my taste, if you want to know, and I assume you do.

“I’m thinking of buying one of Stephen Campbell-Moore’s hyphenated names. I just have to wait til he admits he can’t repay me those losses from the on-set games of whist and baccarat…. “
Robert James-Collier plays the role of “Thomas Barrow” in the film…. and that suit jacket is a bit too garishly mid-20th century for my taste, if you want to know, and I assume you do.

“Four plus six? Well… I’m not used to counting on my fingers - I usually use butlers. It’s one of the trappings of fame, and one of the last things I’d deny myself if things ever got tough…”  Sophie McShera plays Daisy Mason in the movie… and also in all 52 episodes of the show. It would help if I knew whether the character was an Earl or Duchess or Barones for that joke to work, I suppose.

“Four plus six? Well… I’m not used to counting on my fingers - I usually use butlers. It’s one of the trappings of fame, and one of the last things I’d deny myself if things ever got tough…”
Sophie McShera plays Daisy Mason in the movie… and also in all 52 episodes of the show. It would help if I knew whether the character was an Earl or Duchess or Barones for that joke to work, I suppose.

“Are those your holiday shots, or was I really misled as to what I’m wearing to this premiere??”  The commoners sure do love their mobile phone cameras. I can’t abide them, myself. I prefer to send things by telegram. It’s the only way to be sure you get at least a week between messages from people you don’t want to deal with.

“Are those your holiday shots, or was I really misled as to what I’m wearing to this premiere??”
The commoners sure do love their mobile phone cameras. I can’t abide them, myself. I prefer to send things by telegram. It’s the only way to be sure you get at least a week between messages from people you don’t want to deal with.

“No.. I didn’t shave. I was going for ‘Rakish’ and I hope I achieved that.. fine, my Butler has had the week off and I didn’t trust myself to touch anything sharper than a spoon. Please help me… I don’t know how to cut my food, either”  Hugh Bonneville plays the role of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham in the movie (and the show - all 52 episodes)

“No.. I didn’t shave. I was going for ‘Rakish’ and I hope I achieved that.. fine, my Butler has had the week off and I didn’t trust myself to touch anything sharper than a spoon. Please help me… I don’t know how to cut my food, either” Hugh Bonneville plays the role of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham in the movie (and the show - all 52 episodes)

“He holds that umbrella whether it rains or not. That way I never have to worry about whether his reaction times are fast enough if it ever suddenly starts to rain. It’s also why I never take off this tuxedo. One can never afford to look anything less than spectacular.”

“He holds that umbrella whether it rains or not. That way I never have to worry about whether his reaction times are fast enough if it ever suddenly starts to rain. It’s also why I never take off this tuxedo. One can never afford to look anything less than spectacular.”

“Your journal commentary is veering dangerously from cynical to uncouth. Watch yourself, young man”  That’s the second time today I’ve been judged and chastised, and I’m not enjoying it. Leslie Nicol plays th role of “Mrs Patmore” in the film and did so across all 52 episodes of the show.

“Your journal commentary is veering dangerously from cynical to uncouth. Watch yourself, young man”
That’s the second time today I’ve been judged and chastised, and I’m not enjoying it. Leslie Nicol plays th role of “Mrs Patmore” in the film and did so across all 52 episodes of the show.

“Okay, it’s not a calligraphy pen and I’m afraid I’m all out of wax to seal my signature with… I hope that’s okay with all of you?”  Sophie McShera was also in Disney’s Live Action Cinderella remake (2015)

“Okay, it’s not a calligraphy pen and I’m afraid I’m all out of wax to seal my signature with… I hope that’s okay with all of you?” Sophie McShera was also in Disney’s Live Action Cinderella remake (2015)

“No need to tell me I look good - polite replies to compliments really just slow me down”  Allen Leech is in this film and plays the role of “Tom Branson” (which he also did across 46 episodes of the show)

“No need to tell me I look good - polite replies to compliments really just slow me down” Allen Leech is in this film and plays the role of “Tom Branson” (which he also did across 46 episodes of the show)

“I said Stop Telling Me I Look Good - It Only Slows Me Down.”  Allen Leech and the Importance of Efficiency….. although to me efficiency speaks of 18th Century obsessions with productivity, and I won’t hear of it. Things that take time take time, and if ones Bentley needs to be hand-assembled for six months by trained artisans working slavishly for a tuppence and a rind of bread, then so be it. I’ll wait.

“I said Stop Telling Me I Look Good - It Only Slows Me Down.”
Allen Leech and the Importance of Efficiency….. although to me efficiency speaks of 18th Century obsessions with productivity, and I won’t hear of it. Things that take time take time, and if ones Bentley needs to be hand-assembled for six months by trained artisans working slavishly for a tuppence and a rind of bread, then so be it. I’ll wait.

“So.. I’ll see you all at the … thing ? The thing where they serve drinks? Tavern? Ale house? I forget what it’s called”.  I went to a pub once…they insist on televising live football games. What’s that all about?

“So.. I’ll see you all at the … thing ? The thing where they serve drinks? Tavern? Ale house? I forget what it’s called”. I went to a pub once…they insist on televising live football games. What’s that all about?

“I happen believe that there is no right way or wrong way to wear a bow tie. You either wear one and look fabulous or, like you, you do neither.”   Jim Carter plays the role of “Charles Carson” in the film (and 52 episodes of the show)

“I happen believe that there is no right way or wrong way to wear a bow tie. You either wear one and look fabulous or, like you, you do neither.”
Jim Carter plays the role of “Charles Carson” in the film (and 52 episodes of the show)

“That black and gold LA Cap, had you been wearing it, would have looked spiffing, young man. Make sure you wear it next time”.  Good point - it’s now autumn, and beanie weather will be upon us all too soon. If you’re from the working classes and care naught for style.

“That black and gold LA Cap, had you been wearing it, would have looked spiffing, young man. Make sure you wear it next time”. Good point - it’s now autumn, and beanie weather will be upon us all too soon. If you’re from the working classes and care naught for style.

A massively raucous squeal and cheer rises from the crowd as Dame Maggie Smith (aka “Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham”) rushes past fans and zips into the cinema, declining to be interviewed on stage, and using the crowd as cover and security as a buffer zone. This is one of three shots I took of her, and this was the second best. I punished my butler for the failure.

A massively raucous squeal and cheer rises from the crowd as Dame Maggie Smith (aka “Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham”) rushes past fans and zips into the cinema, declining to be interviewed on stage, and using the crowd as cover and security as a buffer zone. This is one of three shots I took of her, and this was the second best. I punished my butler for the failure.

“One instructed one’s security to lay down their lives to ensure I wasn’t touched by the commoners. Well… one should never have to say so as it’s clearly understood to be proper to do so. But one likes to be sure.”  Along with 52 episodes of the show, Dame Maggie Smith is arguably best known for playing Minerva McGonaggall in all the Harry Potter movies… and having one TWO Oscars. I suppose that’s nice, if one relies upon the acceptance of ones peers. But when one has none, those judgements seem somewhat worthless.

“One instructed one’s security to lay down their lives to ensure I wasn’t touched by the commoners. Well… one should never have to say so as it’s clearly understood to be proper to do so. But one likes to be sure.”
Along with 52 episodes of the show, Dame Maggie Smith is arguably best known for playing Minerva McGonaggall in all the Harry Potter movies… and having one TWO Oscars. I suppose that’s nice, if one relies upon the acceptance of ones peers. But when one has none, those judgements seem somewhat worthless.

“All my butlers are presently occupied, but I hereby authorise you to sign autographs on my behalf. Try not to abuse the power”  - Phyllis Logan plays the role of “Mrs Hughes’ in the film, having also done so across 52 episodes of the show.

“All my butlers are presently occupied, but I hereby authorise you to sign autographs on my behalf. Try not to abuse the power” - Phyllis Logan plays the role of “Mrs Hughes’ in the film, having also done so across 52 episodes of the show.

“Hello, people out there who couldn’t be bothered to attend this dapper and civilised affair…. though given the stature of those who are here I can’t really imagine you being any more common”  That’s most unfair. Just because my butler forgot to pack lemon for the earl grey I was drinking doesn’t mean we’re fit to be classed among the rest of the riff-raff in the pen.

“Hello, people out there who couldn’t be bothered to attend this dapper and civilised affair…. though given the stature of those who are here I can’t really imagine you being any more common”
That’s most unfair. Just because my butler forgot to pack lemon for the earl grey I was drinking doesn’t mean we’re fit to be classed among the rest of the riff-raff in the pen.

“Hello… are you another duo of street urchins wanting desperately to be adopted by a wealthy family, and while doing so having your third friend attempt to rob me while I’m distracted? Jacques, have them thrashed to within an inch of their lives for their insolence”  - arguably the biggest cheer of the premiere went to Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary Crawley in the movie (and 52 episodes of the show)

“Hello… are you another duo of street urchins wanting desperately to be adopted by a wealthy family, and while doing so having your third friend attempt to rob me while I’m distracted? Jacques, have them thrashed to within an inch of their lives for their insolence” - arguably the biggest cheer of the premiere went to Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary Crawley in the movie (and 52 episodes of the show)

“For the record I would never have my butler Jacques thrash street urchins to within an inch of their lives. He’s from Europe and they use the metric system there”

“For the record I would never have my butler Jacques thrash street urchins to within an inch of their lives. He’s from Europe and they use the metric system there”

“Those commoners look rather small from up here on the terrace” ”Not small enough if you ask me” ”I wasn’t, but the question was implied I suppose, and I agree with your answer”

“Those commoners look rather small from up here on the terrace”
”Not small enough if you ask me”
”I wasn’t, but the question was implied I suppose, and I agree with your answer”

“Is it still moving? Well, how do we get rid of it? Doesn’t anyone have a pack of hunting dogs and a mounted party at hand to deal with this?”  Elizabeth McGovern plays Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham in the film, and also 52 episodes of the show. My hunting dogs are currently holidaying in the Hebides - they deserve some time off.

“Is it still moving? Well, how do we get rid of it? Doesn’t anyone have a pack of hunting dogs and a mounted party at hand to deal with this?” Elizabeth McGovern plays Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham in the film, and also 52 episodes of the show. My hunting dogs are currently holidaying in the Hebides - they deserve some time off.

“It’s not the best likeness, but I suppose if you want me to sign abstract artworks I didn’t actually create, I’ll be party to whatever scheme it is you’re hatching…”

“It’s not the best likeness, but I suppose if you want me to sign abstract artworks I didn’t actually create, I’ll be party to whatever scheme it is you’re hatching…”

“Wait… that’s a CRIME? I had no idea. Please… feel free to punish my Butler for my transgression”  Clearly I have no idea how being a Butler works, but I do believe that form the movie “Remains of the Day” with Anthony Hopkins, a Bulter is one who “Buttles”, or as wikipedia puts it : “ buttle  ( third-person singular simple present    buttles  ,  present participle    buttling  ,  simple past and past participle    buttled  )

“Wait… that’s a CRIME? I had no idea. Please… feel free to punish my Butler for my transgression”
Clearly I have no idea how being a Butler works, but I do believe that form the movie “Remains of the Day” with Anthony Hopkins, a Bulter is one who “Buttles”, or as wikipedia puts it : “buttle (third-person singular simple present buttles, present participle buttling, simple past and past participle buttled)

“I’d rather not sign that if you don’t mind, and by “that” I mean “anything”. Tell your friends”  Laura Carmichael plays Lady Edith Crawley in the movie, and also is part of the hallowed group of cast who were in every one of the 52 episodes of the show.

“I’d rather not sign that if you don’t mind, and by “that” I mean “anything”. Tell your friends”
Laura Carmichael plays Lady Edith Crawley in the movie, and also is part of the hallowed group of cast who were in every one of the 52 episodes of the show.

“No, like I said, I’m not signing anything. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stand there and admire what you’ve brought for me to sign….”  Lest there be any misunderstanding, Laura Carmichael and indeed most of the cast seemed happy (or at least content) (or at least successfully restrained their murderous instincts) to sign for fans.

“No, like I said, I’m not signing anything. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stand there and admire what you’ve brought for me to sign….”
Lest there be any misunderstanding, Laura Carmichael and indeed most of the cast seemed happy (or at least content) (or at least successfully restrained their murderous instincts) to sign for fans.

“Do I have any advice for people wanting to be writers? Well… it helps if you stop thinking of reasons not to write…”  Julian Fellowes is the writer/creator of the show (and as well as being an Actor, he’s won an Oscar for best original screenplay, for Gosford Park (2001)). And his advice is good advice.

“Do I have any advice for people wanting to be writers? Well… it helps if you stop thinking of reasons not to write…” Julian Fellowes is the writer/creator of the show (and as well as being an Actor, he’s won an Oscar for best original screenplay, for Gosford Park (2001)). And his advice is good advice.

“Bye -thanks for coming! Hope your carriage ride back to your manor is efficiently managed!”  Erm… yeah. My train company did the nigh-impossible and actually managed a punctual train for once. By which I mean… my chauffeur driven limousine was as a motorised cloud upon which I travelled luxuriously.

“Bye -thanks for coming! Hope your carriage ride back to your manor is efficiently managed!”
Erm… yeah. My train company did the nigh-impossible and actually managed a punctual train for once. By which I mean… my chauffeur driven limousine was as a motorised cloud upon which I travelled luxuriously.

So… that was that. For this one, I really have to thank my understanding boss for allowing me a lot more free time just to acquire the wristband and get to this premiere on time.

By… erm… which I mean, obviously my servants did most of the work and I mostly oversaw that work. I did work once, years ago, and realised quickly that I didn’t care for it. Still.. whatever toil there was this evening, it means +1 to the archive, which is no bad thing.

Until my Butler tells me it’s next time!

“And you’re saying that’s LEGAL in France? HOW?”

“And you’re saying that’s LEGAL in France? HOW?”

So… that was that. For this one, I really have to thank my understanding boss for allowing me a lot more free time just to acquire the wristband and get to this premiere on time. By… erm… which I mean, obviously my servants did most of the work and I mostly oversaw that work. I did work once, and I didn’t care for it.

Until my Butler tells me it’s next time!

ps. if you or your butler, or any one of your servants, groomsmen, maitre d’s or governesses want to know when I upload one of these journals, why not entrust them with your estate’s wifi password so they can follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, or twitter at berndt2_photo.