London Fashion Week 2016.2

It's back!! London Fashion Week, the event so cool that its Week lasts less than a week; and they're still holding it in a parking garage in Soho surrounded by one-way streets clogged by oblivious taxis, tourists, delivery vans and irritated commuters wanting to take shortcuts home. And sadly, despite the far-flung reaches of my *cough* media empire, I don't have access to the privileged goings-on inside.

But I do have access to the public streets outside. And isn't that privilege enough? Here's how it went down:

DAY 0.

My London Fashion Week experience actually started the night before, at the premiere for 'The Beatles : Eight Days A Week' attended by (among other people) Madonna, Michael Keaton, and fashion designer Stella McCartney:

This is as close to anyone important in fashion as you're going to be getting all week, sucker". Oh, I don't know. That girl with the Hamburger earrings from Day 1 seemed pretty influential...

This is as close to anyone important in fashion as you're going to be getting all week, sucker". Oh, I don't know. That girl with the Hamburger earrings from Day 1 seemed pretty influential...

DAY 1.

It's London Fashion Week and the excitement is palpable(ish)!!!! (indifference is this season's New Black)

It's London Fashion Week and the excitement is palpable(ish)!!!!
(indifference is this season's New Black)

I still can't decide whether holding London Fashion Week in a parking garage within a labyrinthine maze of narrow one-way streets in Soho is an incomprehensibly stupid idea, or a kind of strange and ironic self-aware genius. Given we're talking about fashion, here.

I still can't decide whether holding London Fashion Week in a parking garage within a labyrinthine maze of narrow one-way streets in Soho is an incomprehensibly stupid idea, or a kind of strange and ironic self-aware genius. Given we're talking about fashion, here.

Oh to be young(ish), unselfaware(ish) and possibly drunk(ish) enough to pose like this in front of total strangers all holding cameras. Or take photos of such a person, in my case.

Oh to be young(ish), unselfaware(ish) and possibly drunk(ish) enough to pose like this in front of total strangers all holding cameras. Or take photos of such a person, in my case.

"Hard though it may be to believe, this is my hair's natural colour". Yeah, maybe, but those giant hoop earrings are sadly being outshone by it.

"Hard though it may be to believe, this is my hair's natural colour". Yeah, maybe, but those giant hoop earrings are sadly being outshone by it.

"Please pay us to be in your fashion show. Or alternatively, pay us to hang from the curtain-rods in your east wing parlour."

"Please pay us to be in your fashion show. Or alternatively, pay us to hang from the curtain-rods in your east wing parlour."

"I couldn't find tassles so I used thin egg noodles tied together with ducting tape....don't ever tell me I'm not committed to this group, Karen."

"I couldn't find tassles so I used thin egg noodles tied together with ducting tape....don't ever tell me I'm not committed to this group, Karen."

"I like the dress, but LOVE the hat. It's like a kind of post-Asgardian Punk" "Actually, it was a hideous hairdressing error involving hard drugs and a partially melted ironing board. But I'm glad you like it"

"I like the dress, but LOVE the hat. It's like a kind of post-Asgardian Punk"
"Actually, it was a hideous hairdressing error involving hard drugs and a partially melted ironing board. But I'm glad you like it"

"You think I'm pretty?? And you have absolutely no ulterior motive in telling me that??"

"You think I'm pretty?? And you have absolutely no ulterior motive in telling me that??"

"The other ear is the Fries, the nose-ring is the Medium-size Coke.... and you probably don't want to know about where the Dessert is hanging"

"The other ear is the Fries, the nose-ring is the Medium-size Coke.... and you probably don't want to know about where the Dessert is hanging"

"Hey, have you heard what they're now saying about tetraquarks??" "I'm a shoe, Lisa. I don't even have ears."

"Hey, have you heard what they're now saying about tetraquarks??"
"I'm a shoe, Lisa. I don't even have ears."

"The Wolf got Grandma. But Grandma had it coming."

"The Wolf got Grandma. But Grandma had it coming."

Near as I can tell, Despondence is this season's OTHER New Black.

Near as I can tell, Despondence is this season's OTHER New Black.

"Just exactly how long do I have to stand here looking dismissively disinterested before somebody discovers me already??"

"Just exactly how long do I have to stand here looking dismissively disinterested before somebody discovers me already??"

DAY 2

Day2 of London Fashion Week found itself besieged by protesters (insofar as they were outside, and most of The Beautiful People were sipping champagne inside). And while the protesters' chanting was fervent (and even at times rhymed), I found it hard to draw a line between their cause and how it connected to London Fashion Week specifically. You know, rather than it merely being a place where lots of people and cameras were concentrated.

Yes, fur is murder, but I saw no models wearing fur. Yes, torturing animals is bad but near as I could tell nobody was actually wearing a cat or dog. As for going Vegan (as per the girl's sign)? Veganism is one issue, animal torture is another. I for one think lions are wonderful, but I don't begrudge them hunting down antelope when they're hungry.

Yes, fur is murder, but I saw no models wearing fur. Yes, torturing animals is bad but near as I could tell nobody was actually wearing a cat or dog. As for going Vegan (as per the girl's sign)? Veganism is one issue, animal torture is another. I for one think lions are wonderful, but I don't begrudge them hunting down antelope when they're hungry.

And this ... where to begin, really?

And this ... where to begin, really?

"I'm not upset. This is DISTRAUGHT."

"I'm not upset. This is DISTRAUGHT."

"Airport metal detectors be damned.... I'm NEVER taking these off"

"Airport metal detectors be damned.... I'm NEVER taking these off"

Great sign, and the guy holding it was very passionate. But on the other hand, he was holding it up for over an hour, and gave no indication of who exactly "This" company he referred to was. Is London Fashion Week a company? Name names if you're going to throw accusations, I say.

Great sign, and the guy holding it was very passionate. But on the other hand, he was holding it up for over an hour, and gave no indication of who exactly "This" company he referred to was. Is London Fashion Week a company? Name names if you're going to throw accusations, I say.

Oh, and now they're trying to make me feel all sad for the trampled-upon rights of store mannequins? Fine.... let them vote or play basketball or whatever....

Oh, and now they're trying to make me feel all sad for the trampled-upon rights of store mannequins? Fine.... let them vote or play basketball or whatever....

Star Wars' Kylo Ren finally gets some character complexity.

Star Wars' Kylo Ren finally gets some character complexity.

I'm not sure what Virgin Holidays' connection to London Fashion Week is. My tip: these guys are seriously diluting their message with all these ".. and another thing" type signs. Pick a cause, draw the connection, target your opponent and protest more effectively I say.

I'm not sure what Virgin Holidays' connection to London Fashion Week is. My tip: these guys are seriously diluting their message with all these ".. and another thing" type signs. Pick a cause, draw the connection, target your opponent and protest more effectively I say.

Meanwhile...."It's not real leather. And those aren't even real ribbons. Please don't shout at me. I'm young and I'm pretty."

Meanwhile...."It's not real leather. And those aren't even real ribbons. Please don't shout at me. I'm young and I'm pretty."

"It's a prototype I stole from Dyson. It's their next big thing. But don't tell anyone"

"It's a prototype I stole from Dyson. It's their next big thing. But don't tell anyone"

"Shh... I'm micro-sleeping. I plan to have another three or four before I get to the front door"

"Shh... I'm micro-sleeping. I plan to have another three or four before I get to the front door"

"What does it symbolise? It symbolises whatever you want it to symbolise, baby...."

"What does it symbolise? It symbolises whatever you want it to symbolise, baby...."

"I have no comment to make. Just make sure to photograph my good side."

"I have no comment to make. Just make sure to photograph my good side."

It started as a way of expanding my wifi range, but then things got out of control.

It started as a way of expanding my wifi range, but then things got out of control.

"......!!" "am I double parked? Is my starbucks card about to expire?? "....!!!.....!!" "is my car on fire? is my tie not on straight??" "!!!.... !!!!....." ... and this is why mimes suck.

"......!!"
"am I double parked? Is my starbucks card about to expire??
"....!!!.....!!"
"is my car on fire? is my tie not on straight??"
"!!!.... !!!!....."
... and this is why mimes suck.

Justice for Sea Witches. Where are the protesters NOW?

Justice for Sea Witches. Where are the protesters NOW?

DAY 3.

"Hey guys : those photos of me you're not taking aren't going to take themselves!"

"Hey guys : those photos of me you're not taking aren't going to take themselves!"

"My doll's head has a ticket for the event. I'm just its handler. That's okay, right?"

"My doll's head has a ticket for the event. I'm just its handler. That's okay, right?"

Some clothes say "SEX!!!". Some clothes say "STYLE!!!!". I'm not sure what these clothes say.

Some clothes say "SEX!!!". Some clothes say "STYLE!!!!". I'm not sure what these clothes say.

"Careful. This hat cost more than your eduction. Assuming you went to one of those online youtube schools where you could print out your graduation certificate afterwards."

"Careful. This hat cost more than your eduction. Assuming you went to one of those online youtube schools where you could print out your graduation certificate afterwards."

"You're all ugly. I'm not saying that to be unkind, incidentally. I'm trying to helpful. For instance.... you could all stay inside more. Then you wouldn't have people telling you that you were ugly."

"You're all ugly. I'm not saying that to be unkind, incidentally. I'm trying to helpful. For instance.... you could all stay inside more. Then you wouldn't have people telling you that you were ugly."

"Can you make me famous?"

"Can you make me famous?"

"Yo, Cruelty to Animals People! Where were you when I needed anaesthetic and a clean needle?"

"Yo, Cruelty to Animals People! Where were you when I needed anaesthetic and a clean needle?"

"And so I said to him 'a backwards baseball cap isn't fashion unless it's done ironically, but if you're doing it ironically than you can't wear it'. He said he didn't understand fashion. He's an idiot."

"And so I said to him 'a backwards baseball cap isn't fashion unless it's done ironically, but if you're doing it ironically than you can't wear it'. He said he didn't understand fashion. He's an idiot."

I'm making a statement about something. Might need help coming up with a title for this image and selling it for $10,000. Because Fashion, Baby.

I'm making a statement about something. Might need help coming up with a title for this image and selling it for $10,000. Because Fashion, Baby.

"Don't make eye-contact with the common people, Prizzy. Come, I'll buy you a demi-soy latte...."

"Don't make eye-contact with the common people, Prizzy. Come, I'll buy you a demi-soy latte...."

"This is no way to cross a road"

"This is no way to cross a road"

"You like the bag? It's $45,000. You like the hair? It's mine - you can't have it"

"You like the bag? It's $45,000. You like the hair? It's mine - you can't have it"

London Fashion Week. Where you can never tell with absolute certainty whether anything you're seeing is the result of being Serious, or being Ironic. Or perhaps being Drunken.

London Fashion Week. Where you can never tell with absolute certainty whether anything you're seeing is the result of being Serious, or being Ironic. Or perhaps being Drunken.

Evian Dog<TM> Wants A Modelling Contract. (His master will possibly settle for cheap vodka)

Evian Dog<TM> Wants A Modelling Contract. (His master will possibly settle for cheap vodka)

"Yes, Mum. Of course I'm studying."

"Yes, Mum. Of course I'm studying."

 DAY 4

"Hey Baby, Hey Baby!!" "...Hey"

"Hey Baby, Hey Baby!!"
"...Hey"

"We had another dude. He had all the post-it notes...."

"We had another dude. He had all the post-it notes...."

Insert Model <here>

Insert Model <here>

If the leader of your glorious revolution doesn't look this good in a beret, then I say put your revolution on hold because your revolution needs to be Merchandisable.

If the leader of your glorious revolution doesn't look this good in a beret, then I say put your revolution on hold because your revolution needs to be Merchandisable.

"Give me disdain! Give me indifference! Give me absolutely no indication of any interest on your part for what I'm doing! Awesome, baby : you're a natural!"

"Give me disdain! Give me indifference! Give me absolutely no indication of any interest on your part for what I'm doing! Awesome, baby : you're a natural!"

"I had dinner last Thursday. I'll be fine"

"I had dinner last Thursday. I'll be fine"

"Leather is murder, you say? And just how many sweatshop workers suffered so you can wear shoes and a t-shirt looking that cheap?"

"Leather is murder, you say? And just how many sweatshop workers suffered so you can wear shoes and a t-shirt looking that cheap?"

"They used to laugh at me wearing pink. But then I showed them my pink knuckledusters, nunchuks and beretta. All of a sudden they didn't seem to care so much anymore"

"They used to laugh at me wearing pink. But then I showed them my pink knuckledusters, nunchuks and beretta. All of a sudden they didn't seem to care so much anymore"

"Y'all come back next year now, ya hear? ... wait, did that come across as threatening?"

"Y'all come back next year now, ya hear? ... wait, did that come across as threatening?"

So... that was London Fashion Week SS17 / 2016.2. There's a fifth day but I won't be attending that one. Please accept my apologies.

Until next time *kiss* *kiss*

PS. My past London Fashion Week Journals are still around, encompassing
LFW2012.1
LFW2013.1, LFW2013.2
LFW2014.1
LFW2015.1, and from earlier this year, LFW2016.1. And yet for all my dedication, I'm yet to be invited to shoot an *ACTUAL* fashion event!

PPS. (call me?)