London Fashion Week 2015.1

February 20th-24th, 2015.

It's that time of (half-)year again, and as per usual I make it a point to go to at least one of London's two London Fashion Weeks every year. I like to hibernate in September to prepare for London Film Festival, so it's invariably February's colder, darker, and weirder one that gets me to drop what I'd otherwise be doing after work, head down to Somerset House, and see if there's anything cool, or preferably WEIRD, for me to point my camera at. I managed to make it to four of the five days.

Here's how it went down:

DAY 1.

Due to the lack of knowledge in all things fashion and fashion-related that I've carefully cultivated and made no moves whatsoever to address over the course of whole decades, I can't say for certain based on this photo what exactly is "IN" this year. Is it scarves? red socks with white shoes? carrying hanging rectangles? being watched by two people dressed in monochrome? standing with your legs weirdly crossed? I just don't know...

Due to the lack of knowledge in all things fashion and fashion-related that I've carefully cultivated and made no moves whatsoever to address over the course of whole decades, I can't say for certain based on this photo what exactly is "IN" this year. Is it scarves? red socks with white shoes? carrying hanging rectangles? being watched by two people dressed in monochrome? standing with your legs weirdly crossed? I just don't know...

... looks like standing with your legs weirdly crossed inwards is in this year...

... looks like standing with your legs weirdly crossed inwards is in this year...

"Don't be afraid... it's only powerful enough to knock out animals smaller than a puma and majority scientific opinion is that it probably doesn't cause permanent retinal damage"

"Don't be afraid... it's only powerful enough to knock out animals smaller than a puma and majority scientific opinion is that it probably doesn't cause permanent retinal damage"

"Dude? My eyes are up HERE" Oh. Sorry.

"Dude? My eyes are up HERE" Oh. Sorry.

"Well of COURSE the shoes are for sale... but not while I'm wearing them!"

"Well of COURSE the shoes are for sale... but not while I'm wearing them!"

"You can't buy style, Harry" "True, but you can buy the APPEARANCE of style, Johnny. And that's worth even more"

"You can't buy style, Harry"
"True, but you can buy the APPEARANCE of style, Johnny. And that's worth even more"

I think somebody just invented a new kind of polo shirt....

I think somebody just invented a new kind of polo shirt....

"What's wrong with you people? You'll ALL be putting doll's heads on your handbags before the year is out, YOU HEAR ME?? Mark my words!!"

"What's wrong with you people? You'll ALL be putting doll's heads on your handbags before the year is out, YOU HEAR ME?? Mark my words!!"

From the 'Girls Have Cooties And We Still Don't Have A Cure' collection, 2015...

From the 'Girls Have Cooties And We Still Don't Have A Cure' collection, 2015...

DAY 2 :

"I really honestly thought my choice of hari colour justified the riot barriers.... where did I go wrong?"

"I really honestly thought my choice of hari colour justified the riot barriers.... where did I go wrong?"

"Must remember to mail this photo to a zoologist and find out what they're doing...."

"Must remember to mail this photo to a zoologist and find out what they're doing...."

Call now : Our operators are standing by : your generous donation will ensure that no model will ever have to the leave the house with an animal embroidered on only ONE leg of her jeans.

Call now : Our operators are standing by : your generous donation will ensure that no model will ever have to the leave the house with an animal embroidered on only ONE leg of her jeans.

Can't tell if legitimate cause for concern for safety, or cleverly ironic fashion statement. Damn you, Ambiguity Of London Fashion Week!

Can't tell if legitimate cause for concern for safety, or cleverly ironic fashion statement. Damn you, Ambiguity Of London Fashion Week!

OMG! Invisible chasm!!

OMG! Invisible chasm!!

(possibly overheard) : "Those gold metallic trousers and colourful sneakers are so embarrassingly passe I could choke on my soymilk-caviar-latte... but the salmon pink coloured shoelaces? Those are divine (darling)"

(possibly overheard) : "Those gold metallic trousers and colourful sneakers are so embarrassingly passe I could choke on my soymilk-caviar-latte... but the salmon pink coloured shoelaces? Those are divine (darling)"

"Be honest.... do these make my ankles look thin?"

"Be honest.... do these make my ankles look thin?"

"Did somebody say soymilk-caviar-latte? Can I have mine decaf?"

"Did somebody say soymilk-caviar-latte? Can I have mine decaf?"

"The sweater costs $500, the lawsuit from Disney for copyright infringement $25million... and I think I might have parked in a no parking bay....this day had better end with icecream. "

"The sweater costs $500, the lawsuit from Disney for copyright infringement $25million... and I think I might have parked in a no parking bay....this day had better end with icecream. "

Is it cool that I recognise this as the sign of The Deathly Hallows, or uncool that I'm looking at a girl's legs this closely without introducing myself?

Is it cool that I recognise this as the sign of The Deathly Hallows, or uncool that I'm looking at a girl's legs this closely without introducing myself?

"Am I selling you on the scrunchie I've got in my hair or not? I put a lot of work into making sure it was exactly the right colour. Everything else is tangential"

"Am I selling you on the scrunchie I've got in my hair or not? I put a lot of work into making sure it was exactly the right colour. Everything else is tangential"

"Any straight stretch of ANYTHING can be a red carpet, dear"

"Any straight stretch of ANYTHING can be a red carpet, dear"

DAY 3 : I don't have an excuse ready to hand as to what I could *possibly* have had going on in my life to prevent me from going to Day2 of London Fashion Week. ("A life?" - don't be stupid!)

DAY 4:

"It starts with Zebra shoes... then, when I have market share, ZEBRA SKIRTS! And then, when I have market share, ZEBRA TOPS!! And then.. wait... why am I outlining my plans out loud for all to hear?"

"It starts with Zebra shoes... then, when I have market share, ZEBRA SKIRTS! And then, when I have market share, ZEBRA TOPS!! And then.. wait... why am I outlining my plans out loud for all to hear?"

"Give me self-love! Give me narcissism! Give me no indication that there's anybody in the universe except you guys right now! Don't even listen to me! Wow... you girls are doing great"

"Give me self-love! Give me narcissism! Give me no indication that there's anybody in the universe except you guys right now! Don't even listen to me! Wow... you girls are doing great"

"You know, I'm beginning to suspect you're not at all interested in photographing the nice comfortable sweater I'm wearing"

"You know, I'm beginning to suspect you're not at all interested in photographing the nice comfortable sweater I'm wearing"

"My resume is flawless, Deborah. But every time I sit for a court stenographer interview, they don't take me seriously. And I'm tired of not being taken seriously, Deborah."

"My resume is flawless, Deborah. But every time I sit for a court stenographer interview, they don't take me seriously. And I'm tired of not being taken seriously, Deborah."

"Wait... this ISN'T London ComicCon and you mean to tell me there's a second large group of freaks and weirdos in London and they're mostly FEMALE? Why didn't anybody tell anyone?"

"Wait... this ISN'T London ComicCon and you mean to tell me there's a second large group of freaks and weirdos in London and they're mostly FEMALE? Why didn't anybody tell anyone?"

"That's right! Look at us like we're weirdly conjoined photographer twins! We wanna FEEL the digust AND the ambivalence"

"That's right! Look at us like we're weirdly conjoined photographer twins! We wanna FEEL the digust AND the ambivalence"

"Why is everyone keeping a five metre distance from me? Is it the static electricity? I'm betting it's the static electricity...."

"Why is everyone keeping a five metre distance from me? Is it the static electricity? I'm betting it's the static electricity...."

DAY 5:

This photo makes me realise that I still haven't enacted my plan to wear dark sunglasses and a stylish beret to London Fashion Week, along with a giant sketch pad upon which I draw nothing but stick figurines... (because it would make me COOL, that's why!)

This photo makes me realise that I still haven't enacted my plan to wear dark sunglasses and a stylish beret to London Fashion Week, along with a giant sketch pad upon which I draw nothing but stick figurines... (because it would make me COOL, that's why!)

When size zero models still aren't small enough.

When size zero models still aren't small enough.

"I just realised that if I keep this up, I'll be out of arms to have newly tattooed by... uh... well, next year, actually. Shit."

"I just realised that if I keep this up, I'll be out of arms to have newly tattooed by... uh... well, next year, actually. Shit."

"Mum? The scarf isn't keeping me warm, Mum.... Of COURSE I'm wearing long sleeves"

"Mum? The scarf isn't keeping me warm, Mum.... Of COURSE I'm wearing long sleeves"

"If the next Bond Villain dresses anything like this, I'm suing Sony for EVERYTHING"

"If the next Bond Villain dresses anything like this, I'm suing Sony for EVERYTHING"

I got nothing. Sometimes London Fasion Week is weird, but not weird enough.

I got nothing.
Sometimes London Fasion Week is weird, but not weird enough.

"Damn that salesman. I just knew paying extra for the coat sleeves would be a total waste of money...."

"Damn that salesman. I just knew paying extra for the coat sleeves would be a total waste of money...."

"Have Jacques bring around the Rolls and keep it circling until next fashion week. I'm off to play polo"

"Have Jacques bring around the Rolls and keep it circling until next fashion week. I'm off to play polo"

So... that's that then. I'm not sure I came out of that with an enhanced sense of style, or fashion, or even appreciation of snakeskin socks (not pictured) (... but I saw them).

It does however mean that I have another spurious fashion-related entry to put into not-quite-accurately-described Archive Of Movie Premieres where incredibly it joins previously entered journals for LFW2012.1, LFW2013.1, LFW2013.2 and LFW2014.1 (and since I'm back-filling with this entry, there's also LFW2016.1, the British 2015 Fashion Awards and The 2016 Elle Style Awards). I might not know a lot about Fashion, but I know a lot about not knowing a lot.

Until next time *kiss* *kiss*