London Fashion Week 2014.1

February 2014.

It's that time of (half-) year again, where the bold, the beautiful and .... me, I guess... head down to Somerset House and witness the giant tent we don't get access to, and like a giant elephant in the room we all ignore, try to have a meaningful time anyway.

It's actually kind of an okay way to pass the time... and here's how <checks> no less than THREE of the five days went down:

It's London Fashion Week : and weirdly not everybody cares. But... I thought only ugly people don't care about Fashion Week?

It's London Fashion Week : and weirdly not everybody cares. But... I thought only ugly people don't care about Fashion Week?

"Tell me how great I look" "You loo--" "I f**king know. What.. do you think I'm stupid?"

"Tell me how great I look"
"You loo--"
"I f**king know. What.. do you think I'm stupid?"

I'm pretty strongly opposed to theft. I'd never take somebody's wallet or beat up an old lady for a piece of jewellery. But this jacket is pretty fabulous. (Damnit.. what has London Fashion Week turned me into??)

I'm pretty strongly opposed to theft. I'd never take somebody's wallet or beat up an old lady for a piece of jewellery. But this jacket is pretty fabulous. (Damnit.. what has London Fashion Week turned me into??)

This pose is perfect. I'm not moving. Not ever. Unless I see somebody with an even better hat.

This pose is perfect. I'm not moving. Not ever. Unless I see somebody with an even better hat.

"It's basically Little Bo Peep meets Euro Dance....."

"It's basically Little Bo Peep meets Euro Dance....."

"I'm telling you... I was on the shortlist to play 'Bane' in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises"

"I'm telling you... I was on the shortlist to play 'Bane' in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises"

"I can handle scornful glares and to be ignored by the artistically bereft masses, Joel... but rain. I f**king can't stand rain"

"I can handle scornful glares and to be ignored by the artistically bereft masses, Joel... but rain. I f**king can't stand rain"

"This doesn't happen in Dubai Fashion Week...." yeah... but anyone wearing a fur coat at Dubai Fashion week dies of heat exhaustion - or much worse PERSPIRES - within 15mins.

"This doesn't happen in Dubai Fashion Week...." yeah... but anyone wearing a fur coat at Dubai Fashion week dies of heat exhaustion - or much worse PERSPIRES - within 15mins.

What... you mean YOUR handbag doesn't wear its own scarf? Are you from one of those African tribes where you let your hanbags be seen FULLY NAKED by EVERYONE?

What... you mean YOUR handbag doesn't wear its own scarf? Are you from one of those African tribes where you let your hanbags be seen FULLY NAKED by EVERYONE?

"It's all waterproof except for the hair. Why the didn't anybody tell me HAIR isn't waterproof??"

"It's all waterproof except for the hair. Why the didn't anybody tell me HAIR isn't waterproof??"

"I've been making you stand likethis for five minutes. You sure you don't want an umbrella?" "What do I look like... an normal person?? I'm in FASHION, baby. Fashion PREVAILS"

"I've been making you stand likethis for five minutes. You sure you don't want an umbrella?"
"What do I look like... an normal person?? I'm in FASHION, baby. Fashion PREVAILS"

Girl in Middle : "Do not try to bend the rain. That is impossible. Instead, only realise the truth : there is no rain."

Girl in Middle : "Do not try to bend the rain. That is impossible. Instead, only realise the truth : there is no rain."

"All other things being equal, I should be putting down the briefcase and photograping YOU"

"All other things being equal, I should be putting down the briefcase and photograping YOU"

"I win London Fashion Week because MY umbrella RULES. Wait.... why is everyone inside where it's dry?"

"I win London Fashion Week because MY umbrella RULES. Wait.... why is everyone inside where it's dry?"

The shoes are nice, but I'm still struggling to figure out what the triangle-shaped thing is at back-right. A really airy pair of underpants? Improbable lightshade?  Large paper hat?

The shoes are nice, but I'm still struggling to figure out what the triangle-shaped thing is at back-right. A really airy pair of underpants? Improbable lightshade?  Large paper hat?

"Sure I'm a fashion spy. During London Fashion Week, this IS CONSIDERED incognito"

"Sure I'm a fashion spy. During London Fashion Week, this IS CONSIDERED incognito"

"and this is the best Insert Whatever Photoshopped Item You Want To Rescale ever!!!" Very convenient. Let me try to find some clip art...

"and this is the best Insert Whatever Photoshopped Item You Want To Rescale ever!!!" Very convenient. Let me try to find some clip art...

"Do you want to photograph me or fight me?"

"Do you want to photograph me or fight me?"

"Joke's on you. I'm a ninth level blackbelt breakdance fighter." "There's no such thing" "You just don't know about it because it's a secret hidden level above whatever you are"

"Joke's on you. I'm a ninth level blackbelt breakdance fighter."
"There's no such thing"
"You just don't know about it because it's a secret hidden level above whatever you are"

For the purposes of this journal I'm actually a time traveller from two years in the future in 2016.... which is where this dog also travelled back in time from. Well... time for me to place some can't-lose bets on whether Britan votes to leave the EU..

For the purposes of this journal I'm actually a time traveller from two years in the future in 2016.... which is where this dog also travelled back in time from. Well... time for me to place some can't-lose bets on whether Britan votes to leave the EU..

"No, the dog is not a cheap fashion accessory to go with my jacket... actually the jacket is a cheap fashion accessory for the dog. As for the trousers? Well... they're a very different story"

"No, the dog is not a cheap fashion accessory to go with my jacket... actually the jacket is a cheap fashion accessory for the dog. As for the trousers? Well... they're a very different story"

"What are you talking about. This is a phone camera. 1978 FILM Nokia, baby...!" I believe it came with Angry Birds in the form of a card game, and an integrated alarm clock in the form of an actual live rooster..

"What are you talking about. This is a phone camera. 1978 FILM Nokia, baby...!" I believe it came with Angry Birds in the form of a card game, and an integrated alarm clock in the form of an actual live rooster..

The eyeliner does NOT clash, you clueless heathen snob.

The eyeliner does NOT clash, you clueless heathen snob.

"Captain's log, stardate 4616.5. I can't see Uhura, but I think Spock is completely rocking that neon yellow hairpiece...."

"Captain's log, stardate 4616.5. I can't see Uhura, but I think Spock is completely rocking that neon yellow hairpiece...."

"You're stunning! You're gorgeous! You're talented! Wait... you're also behind me...."

"You're stunning! You're gorgeous! You're talented! Wait... you're also behind me...."

"People keep looking at me like I'm weird. Is it the shade of lipstick I'm wearing?"

"People keep looking at me like I'm weird. Is it the shade of lipstick I'm wearing?"

"I'll buy those black gloves you're wearing for $600 to complete my look. That's how much normal people pay for black gloves, right?"

"I'll buy those black gloves you're wearing for $600 to complete my look. That's how much normal people pay for black gloves, right?"

"... and I'm still waiting for that better hat......"

"... and I'm still waiting for that better hat......"

So... that was that. And, owing to the way I've uploaded these journals it's my FIFTH Fashion Week, along with 2012.1, and 2013.1, as well as 2013.2 and most recently (!?) 2016.1

And of course, it somehow breathes in and manages to heave itself into my Archive of Premieres.

Until next time (ie. I find time to upload 2015.1) ! *kiss* *kiss*

PS. Although I only do fashion week (on average) once a year... if you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal, feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or follow (or whatever it is people do) on facebook by clicking here