London Fashion Week 2019.2

It’s London, England, and for the second of this city’s two annual Fashion Weeks, we rejoin the glitz and glamour….in the midst of a traffic-choked pavement just across from Australia House, where passersby mingle with glamorous tryhard fashionistas and bloggers and youtube influencers, everyone has a camera, large trucks insistently indicate their intention to turn left at an intersection filled with models, and if you’re really (really) lucky, you might score a free fashion magazine or iced lolly to tide you over til next week when you can cancel the diet and fatten yourself for those long winter months.

Here’s how it went down, on the days I went. (Day 1- below) (Day 2- further below) (Day3 - Extinction Rebellion, even further below) (Day4 - rain but we persevere) (Day5 - right at the bottom, I had less than an hour before an appointment elsewhere)

DAY 1 : Friday, 13th September.

“Hey, nice to see you! We notice you’re wearing a grey hoodie and t-shirt. Please don’t pose with us”

“Hey, nice to see you! We notice you’re wearing a grey hoodie and t-shirt. Please don’t pose with us”

“This    IS    me smiling…. I    AM    happy to be here, okay? ”

“This IS me smiling…. I AM happy to be here, okay? ”

“Doesn’t ANYONE have a blog or Instagram? Damn… I’ll take Facebook if I have to, but not by choice”

“Doesn’t ANYONE have a blog or Instagram? Damn… I’ll take Facebook if I have to, but not by choice”

“You’re making a statement about something… but I’m not sure what it is. Do you have a pamphlet?”

“You’re making a statement about something… but I’m not sure what it is. Do you have a pamphlet?”

“All I really want to know is…are these Vegan balloons?”

“All I really want to know is…are these Vegan balloons?”

“Now what would possibly make you think any deal I propose isn’t entirely fair and balanced?”

“Now what would possibly make you think any deal I propose isn’t entirely fair and balanced?”

“Yeah, but deep down, does anyone REALLY know what Jay-walking is?”

“Yeah, but deep down, does anyone REALLY know what Jay-walking is?”

Somehow I managed an in-camera special effect shot it would probably cost millions to fake. I’m not quite sure how I did it, or whether I should take my camera in for a service or something…

Somehow I managed an in-camera special effect shot it would probably cost millions to fake. I’m not quite sure how I did it, or whether I should take my camera in for a service or something…

“I’m basically a belt away from perfecting this camouflage… and no I won’t pose for you”

“I’m basically a belt away from perfecting this camouflage… and no I won’t pose for you”

“We’re capturing this scene in at least 9 dimensions, so you might want to step back, like, at least six dimensions if you don’t want to be filmed.”

“We’re capturing this scene in at least 9 dimensions, so you might want to step back, like, at least six dimensions if you don’t want to be filmed.”

“Everyone I’m photographing looks so young…. I think this camera is broken.”

“Everyone I’m photographing looks so young…. I think this camera is broken.”

“Pout a bit more!” ”Look a bit more to your left!” ”Raise Your chin just a little!” ”Guys - is it possible we’re photographing a streetlight?”

“Pout a bit more!”
”Look a bit more to your left!”
”Raise Your chin just a little!”
”Guys - is it possible we’re photographing a streetlight?”

Good news : blank indifference is still the most appropriate attitude for London Fashion Week.

Good news : blank indifference is still the most appropriate attitude for London Fashion Week.

“Everyone out here is so… so… UGLY. How do I make them not be so ugly?”

“Everyone out here is so… so… UGLY. How do I make them not be so ugly?”

If you’re reading history books centuries from now, and photos from this time period don’t have all guys dressed like this, then I hate to break it to you but those books are fake. We all dress like this in 2019.

If you’re reading history books centuries from now, and photos from this time period don’t have all guys dressed like this, then I hate to break it to you but those books are fake. We all dress like this in 2019.

“It’s the earrings, right? Everyone’s been staring at them…”

“It’s the earrings, right? Everyone’s been staring at them…”

“I’m younger and prettier than you, and you’re getting older all the time. Please keep photographing me”  Damnit. Okay.

“I’m younger and prettier than you, and you’re getting older all the time. Please keep photographing me”
Damnit. Okay.

“She hasn’t moved for three hours, but we can all see her. So as a ninja I’m not sure she’s that effective…”

“She hasn’t moved for three hours, but we can all see her. So as a ninja I’m not sure she’s that effective…”

Real ninjas dress in black. Prettier ones don’t have to.

Real ninjas dress in black. Prettier ones don’t have to.

“Take one guess where my pocket-watch is….”

“Take one guess where my pocket-watch is….”

It looks fantastic, but sadly only when in full sunlight in a world that’s monochrome. Otherwise it looks okay.

It looks fantastic, but sadly only when in full sunlight in a world that’s monochrome. Otherwise it looks okay.

DAY 2 : Saturday, 14th September.

“Wait a minute, Helen, I think I’m about to be used in an impromptu Fashion Week photoshoot by a social influencer of some renown…. oh wait. Never mind. He’s shooting Pentax.”  Hey, I was shooting with DUAL Pentaxes at this one.

“Wait a minute, Helen, I think I’m about to be used in an impromptu Fashion Week photoshoot by a social influencer of some renown…. oh wait. Never mind. He’s shooting Pentax.”
Hey, I was shooting with DUAL Pentaxes at this one.

“Actually I’m quite relieved that those anti-fur protesters have never really had a problemw with feathers”

“Actually I’m quite relieved that those anti-fur protesters have never really had a problemw with feathers”

“Okay, make it look all of rehearsed, spontaneous, quirky, intelligent, calculated and instinctive” ”…..” ”Okay, and now point the camera the other way”

“Okay, make it look all of rehearsed, spontaneous, quirky, intelligent, calculated and instinctive”
”…..”
”Okay, and now point the camera the other way”

“And so, by reducing the amount of denim used in jeans by 30% as shown by these tears and rips, I think you’ll find it’s more environmentally friendly by at least that amount. And because it’s ‘Art’, you can charge four, maybe five time more. You’re welcome.”

“And so, by reducing the amount of denim used in jeans by 30% as shown by these tears and rips, I think you’ll find it’s more environmentally friendly by at least that amount. And because it’s ‘Art’, you can charge four, maybe five time more. You’re welcome.”

“An update on that Saudi oil sheikh who wanted to buy my cheekbones last year…. sadly that deal fell through so I’m stuck with them. For now.”

“An update on that Saudi oil sheikh who wanted to buy my cheekbones last year…. sadly that deal fell through so I’m stuck with them. For now.”

“The plants? They’re… um… totally for private medicinal use.”

“The plants? They’re… um… totally for private medicinal use.”

“You had SIX skittles for lunch?? Yeah… you hang your head in shame. You’re a disgrace”

“You had SIX skittles for lunch?? Yeah… you hang your head in shame. You’re a disgrace”

“And nobody’s photographing me? I’m out of buttons to unbutton, people!!”

“And nobody’s photographing me? I’m out of buttons to unbutton, people!!”

You’re right. These new Japanese backpack designs really are getting ridiculous.

You’re right. These new Japanese backpack designs really are getting ridiculous.

“You may properly address me as “Your Excellency”, “Your Honour”, or “Madam Chief Justice. ”  Middle Temple Hall is currently doing a 100 Years Of Women In Law exhibit, and it runs til January 2020. It’s totally worth checking out.

“You may properly address me as “Your Excellency”, “Your Honour”, or “Madam Chief Justice. ”
Middle Temple Hall is currently doing a 100 Years Of Women In Law exhibit, and it runs til January 2020.
It’s totally worth checking out.

“They guys back at the design studio are still working on integrating lights, music and lasers. Come back next Fashion Week and you’ll see how they went.”

“They guys back at the design studio are still working on integrating lights, music and lasers. Come back next Fashion Week and you’ll see how they went.”

“If your fashion blog doesn’t have 6-digit subscribers, I’m not even looking up”  Sure, my twitter followers may contain some Russian bots and a large percentage of passionate Indonesian political dissidents who have never commented on a single post I’ve made.. but each and every one of them is precious to me.

“If your fashion blog doesn’t have 6-digit subscribers, I’m not even looking up”
Sure, my twitter followers may contain some Russian bots and a large percentage of passionate Indonesian political dissidents who have never commented on a single post I’ve made.. but each and every one of them is precious to me.

“Justine? He never even stopped texting when I walked past. Am I losing my allure, or are the purple shoes just a little bit too much?”

“Justine? He never even stopped texting when I walked past. Am I losing my allure, or are the purple shoes just a little bit too much?”

“Okay, I’ve pulled the front doorbell, now hand over the pizza the guy didn’t order”

“Okay, I’ve pulled the front doorbell, now hand over the pizza the guy didn’t order”

“What do you mean you know I’m Bruce Wayne? HOW??”

“What do you mean you know I’m Bruce Wayne? HOW??”

“Okay, you’ve taken a photo of me. Can I get back to my Cabinet Meeting now?”

“Okay, you’ve taken a photo of me. Can I get back to my Cabinet Meeting now?”

“Hey, Buddy. My eyes are up HERE”  Right. Sorry.

“Hey, Buddy. My eyes are up HERE”
Right. Sorry.

“And you’re certain ‘Lithuanian Goatherder Style’ ISN’T in?” ”…..” ”Well, yeah, but if nobody else is wearing it, doesn’t that make me Cutting Edge??”

“And you’re certain ‘Lithuanian Goatherder Style’ ISN’T in?”
”…..”
”Well, yeah, but if nobody else is wearing it, doesn’t that make me Cutting Edge??”

“See You Tomorrow. Please.”

“See You Tomorrow. Please.”

DAY 3 : Sunday, 15th September.

“If you upload a photo of me using that monochrome filter, so help me I will    CUT    you Doreen”

“If you upload a photo of me using that monochrome filter, so help me I will CUT you Doreen”

“This isn’t fashion - these are my chore-clothes. And yes I need help carrying my shopping bags.”

“This isn’t fashion - these are my chore-clothes. And yes I need help carrying my shopping bags.”

Not-quite-so-candid-street-photography.

Not-quite-so-candid-street-photography.

“If I get hit by a car crossing this six lane road, I don’t care if it’s a bus… just tell them it was a Maserati”

“If I get hit by a car crossing this six lane road, I don’t care if it’s a bus… just tell them it was a Maserati”

“There, there. Not every hashtag is a winner…”

“There, there. Not every hashtag is a winner…”

“I defy you to say even one insulting thing about what I’m wearing”  Actually, I can’t. The earpiece of that man in the background is so off-putting it’s all I can think about.

“I defy you to say even one insulting thing about what I’m wearing”
Actually, I can’t. The earpiece of that man in the background is so off-putting it’s all I can think about.

“Of course I take my architecture photography seriously. And that doric column is totally flirting with me”

“Of course I take my architecture photography seriously. And that doric column is totally flirting with me”

“London cyclists are a total menace, and this jacket has multiple crumple zones for safety”  Frankly, I think London’s pedestrians should be given nail-studded baseball bats to deal with them.

“London cyclists are a total menace, and this jacket has multiple crumple zones for safety”
Frankly, I think London’s pedestrians should be given nail-studded baseball bats to deal with them.

“Grandma got distracted watching Murder, She Wrote and just kept knitting.”

“Grandma got distracted watching Murder, She Wrote and just kept knitting.”

Star Bursts at f22 are real, baby. (Is that sexy? Can it be sexy?)

Star Bursts at f22 are real, baby.
(Is that sexy? Can it be sexy?)

“Cows are colour-blind, so all your criticism is invalid ** ”   ** apparently red-green.

“Cows are colour-blind, so all your criticism is invalid ** ”

** apparently red-green.

“The ‘crop’ as you call it, is doing well, and will both feed a family of vegetarian mice AND keep them safe from the elements over winter.”

“The ‘crop’ as you call it, is doing well, and will both feed a family of vegetarian mice AND keep them safe from the elements over winter.”

“Yeah, could you turn left? I’ve got one of them fashion blogs and stuff.”

“Yeah, could you turn left? I’ve got one of them fashion blogs and stuff.”

“Any similarity between me and your grandmother might be worth investigating further…”  I’m not calling anything I see at London Fashion Week “suspicious”, but on the whole it can be more confrontingly terrifying than (say) London’s Frightfest.

“Any similarity between me and your grandmother might be worth investigating further…”
I’m not calling anything I see at London Fashion Week “suspicious”, but on the whole it can be more confrontingly terrifying than (say) London’s Frightfest.

“Get ready for a bit of surprise… though by the standards of the hairstyles of some of you, perhaps not so much…”  There are things under those dresses that might… erm… surprise you.

“Get ready for a bit of surprise… though by the standards of the hairstyles of some of you, perhaps not so much…” There are things under those dresses that might… erm… surprise you.

“Just take a photo, instagram it and read it later, grandpa”  Extinction Rebellion have struck LondonFashionWeek! Again! (I missed the first one)… and they did it without loud hailers, speakers playing the sounds of dying animals, or throwing paint at non-vegans. Nicely done.

“Just take a photo, instagram it and read it later, grandpa” Extinction Rebellion have struck LondonFashionWeek! Again! (I missed the first one)… and they did it without loud hailers, speakers playing the sounds of dying animals, or throwing paint at non-vegans. Nicely done.

“If you’ve captured our dance on video, feel free to mix in music of your choice. Also… how best to put this… the planet’s kind of at stake.”

“If you’ve captured our dance on video, feel free to mix in music of your choice. Also… how best to put this… the planet’s kind of at stake.”

“What do you mean “How’s The Gluten Harvest This Year?” How would I know??”

“What do you mean “How’s The Gluten Harvest This Year?” How would I know??”

“Ugh. Another f**king cynical London Fashion Week journal. So passe. So jejune.”

“Ugh. Another f**king cynical London Fashion Week journal. So passe. So jejune.”

“Frankly, the kind of people who would get annoyed at me wearing this on the bus are the kind of people whose fashion criticism I value least. Next question?”

“Frankly, the kind of people who would get annoyed at me wearing this on the bus are the kind of people whose fashion criticism I value least. Next question?”

“Stay away from them, Muffy. They’re not cool.”

“Stay away from them, Muffy. They’re not cool.”

“If you were trying to get a photo of that guy’s cool white soul patch, I can only apologise. But also, I think your camera has a preference that’s different to your own”

“If you were trying to get a photo of that guy’s cool white soul patch, I can only apologise. But also, I think your camera has a preference that’s different to your own”

“It’s totally out of control… this wearable tech is ridiculous”

“It’s totally out of control… this wearable tech is ridiculous”

Shoes.

Shoes.

Shoes ??

Shoes ??

Shoes!!

Shoes!!

…and socks !

…and socks !

I’m so glad that London Fashion Week is here to tell me these things.

I’m so glad that London Fashion Week is here to tell me these things.

“I've just joined an online chat group. There’s these two wieners standing outside London Fashion Week” ”They sound lame” ”Yeah… totally lame”

“I've just joined an online chat group. There’s these two wieners standing outside London Fashion Week”
”They sound lame”
”Yeah… totally lame”

“Hospital surgery theatres are far too unfashionable… I’m aiming to change that”

“Hospital surgery theatres are far too unfashionable… I’m aiming to change that”

Damnit… prior to today, that was exactly the tattoo I was thinking of getting.

Damnit… prior to today, that was exactly the tattoo I was thinking of getting.

“You can caption this photo however you want, but I assure you it still won’t go far enough”

“You can caption this photo however you want, but I assure you it still won’t go far enough”

I’ve looked at this photo for about 2mins, and not only do I wish I hadn’t, but I still have no idea what to write. But just in case you missed it, her ear is painted blue. Look again. It’s still blue.

I’ve looked at this photo for about 2mins, and not only do I wish I hadn’t, but I still have no idea what to write. But just in case you missed it, her ear is painted blue. Look again. It’s still blue.

DAY 4 : Monday, 16th September.

“But I can’t be BOTHERED to look like I can’t be bothered….”  It’s Day 4, and even the calculated insouciant boredom of the models is starting to show strain.

“But I can’t be BOTHERED to look like I can’t be bothered….”
It’s Day 4, and even the calculated insouciant boredom of the models is starting to show strain.

“Well obviously I don’t look anything like the photo ID of myself that I’ve got on me. Does he think I’d EVER wear the same thing twice??”

“Well obviously I don’t look anything like the photo ID of myself that I’ve got on me. Does he think I’d EVER wear the same thing twice??”

“Well, you make it obvious NOW that I should have made a hole in the lips of my shirt for it to vape though, but where we you yesterday? Oh, that’s right. Not cool enough to hang out with me and any of my cool friends.”

“Well, you make it obvious NOW that I should have made a hole in the lips of my shirt for it to vape though, but where we you yesterday? Oh, that’s right. Not cool enough to hang out with me and any of my cool friends.”

“Dear Mom. When I walked out, you shouted at me that Fashion Journalism would never help anyone. Well…. it’s keeping my dry, Mom. IT’S KEEPING ME DRY.”

“Dear Mom. When I walked out, you shouted at me that Fashion Journalism would never help anyone. Well…. it’s keeping my dry, Mom. IT’S KEEPING ME DRY.”

Parents with young children with good pattern recognition and puzzle solving skills might want to have them avert their eyes for this t-shirt. On the other hand, I think it might be one of those states in America?

Parents with young children with good pattern recognition and puzzle solving skills might want to have them avert their eyes for this t-shirt. On the other hand, I think it might be one of those states in America?

“The Hobbits have almost made it to Mt Doom, mistress….” ”Excellent”

“The Hobbits have almost made it to Mt Doom, mistress….”
”Excellent”

“Pretending your hand is missing isn’t going to get you hired as a minority, Janet” ”Okay, but what if I had a hook coming out of the hole in the jumper?” ”How will that help??” ”I could threaten people with violence to achieve my ends…”

“Pretending your hand is missing isn’t going to get you hired as a minority, Janet”
”Okay, but what if I had a hook coming out of the hole in the jumper?”
”How will that help??”
”I could threaten people with violence to achieve my ends…”

“What does a fashion icon have to do to get a whisky in this place?” ”…..” ”Okay, what about a sambuca?”

“What does a fashion icon have to do to get a whisky in this place?”
”…..”
”Okay, what about a sambuca?”

Responses from people to my claim of having a fashion blog range from the hopeful to the skeptical. It might be because I insist on wearing a grey hoodie when photographing people at London Fashion Week.

Responses from people to my claim of having a fashion blog range from the hopeful to the skeptical. It might be because I insist on wearing a grey hoodie when photographing people at London Fashion Week.

By the early 22rd Century, plants will reveal their sentience and employ people to carry them around. (At which point Brazilian loggers will just start setting fire to humans. Just… because)

By the early 22rd Century, plants will reveal their sentience and employ people to carry them around. (At which point Brazilian loggers will just start setting fire to humans. Just… because)

“I bet you want to ask what happened to the other earring.”  Me :  “What hap--?” ”It doesn’t matter”

“I bet you want to ask what happened to the other earring.”
Me : “What hap--?”
”It doesn’t matter”

“I think I smell smoke, and the scratching noises from the other side of this doorway I’m meant to be keeping clear are getting a lot more insistent” ”Oh, please, babes. This is ART. People will understand.”

“I think I smell smoke, and the scratching noises from the other side of this doorway I’m meant to be keeping clear are getting a lot more insistent”
”Oh, please, babes. This is ART. People will understand.”

“You’ve almost certainly called the wrong number, ma’am. But keep talking. I’m very interested in seeing where this conversation goes.”

“You’ve almost certainly called the wrong number, ma’am. But keep talking. I’m very interested in seeing where this conversation goes.”

“Gregor, far be it from me to question in what backwater rural village you learned about fashion or photography, or got your camera from…. but I’m looking stunning and he’s looking somewhat adequate, and what exactly are you pointing your camera at?”

“Gregor, far be it from me to question in what backwater rural village you learned about fashion or photography, or got your camera from…. but I’m looking stunning and he’s looking somewhat adequate, and what exactly are you pointing your camera at?”

I believe the approximate translation of this expression goes something like:  ”Thank you, however I do not believe that your fashion journal could be of any value to me, Good Sir”

I believe the approximate translation of this expression goes something like:
”Thank you, however I do not believe that your fashion journal could be of any value to me, Good Sir”

“No, we didn’t ask what it was for. We didn’t ask because whenever we do it takes two weeks to get a reply, and the reply is always “don’t ask”. “  (okay, I admit I didn’t make up that comment, it’s from the movie ‘Aliens(1986)’, but then I wasn’t responsible for this sculpture either.)

“No, we didn’t ask what it was for. We didn’t ask because whenever we do it takes two weeks to get a reply, and the reply is always “don’t ask”. “ (okay, I admit I didn’t make up that comment, it’s from the movie ‘Aliens(1986)’, but then I wasn’t responsible for this sculpture either.)

“It’s super-cute, and its loyalty is beyond reproach, but it does tend to get very jealous if you show affection to any other handbag you also own.”

“It’s super-cute, and its loyalty is beyond reproach, but it does tend to get very jealous if you show affection to any other handbag you also own.”

“There’s no use in being so upset, Frank. I won the bet, so I’m wearing the trousers.”

“There’s no use in being so upset, Frank. I won the bet, so I’m wearing the trousers.”

DAY 5 : Tuesday, 17th September.

“They’re three shoes wide but I still think they could be flared further….”  Time to shamble off to 180 The Strand, and the pavement outside BFC Showcase, one more time.

“They’re three shoes wide but I still think they could be flared further….”
Time to shamble off to 180 The Strand, and the pavement outside BFC Showcase, one more time.

“It’s inspired by the xenomorph egg from Alien!!”  Well, it’s certainly cheerful.

“It’s inspired by the xenomorph egg from Alien!!” Well, it’s certainly cheerful.

“My moustache keeps altering the camera settings… I don’t know what to do about it.” ”Shave the moustahce?” ”I’d sooner see you in hell, my friend”

“My moustache keeps altering the camera settings… I don’t know what to do about it.”
”Shave the moustahce?”
”I’d sooner see you in hell, my friend”

“He loves it when I take him for walks…. more so now that I’ve drilled air holes for him to breathe through”

“He loves it when I take him for walks…. more so now that I’ve drilled air holes for him to breathe through”

“A dozen of you guys are photographing me just rearranging my hair? Well… looking at all you I can see why this is your fantasy…. so I guess it’s okay”

“A dozen of you guys are photographing me just rearranging my hair? Well… looking at all you I can see why this is your fantasy…. so I guess it’s okay”

“You say the thing I’m leaning on was once useful as more than a public urinal? Tell me more, grandpa”

“You say the thing I’m leaning on was once useful as more than a public urinal? Tell me more, grandpa”

“If you were a true gentleman, pahdner, you’d wait til that yellow-top lady walked past so as not to overshadow the subtlety of my urban cowboy gear…”  - believe me, the footpath on the final day was massively overcrowded - not just with desperate wannabes wanting a final tidbit of fame to tide them over for the next six months, but also tourists, workers, mothers with prams and anyone else who sees a huge crowd blocking a footpath and thinks to themselves “I should totally walk through the middle of that”.

“If you were a true gentleman, pahdner, you’d wait til that yellow-top lady walked past so as not to overshadow the subtlety of my urban cowboy gear…” - believe me, the footpath on the final day was massively overcrowded - not just with desperate wannabes wanting a final tidbit of fame to tide them over for the next six months, but also tourists, workers, mothers with prams and anyone else who sees a huge crowd blocking a footpath and thinks to themselves “I should totally walk through the middle of that”.

“I’ve had six offers for my jacket, each more outlandishly generous than the last…. get my suitcase and drive it over here immediately!!”

“I’ve had six offers for my jacket, each more outlandishly generous than the last…. get my suitcase and drive it over here immediately!!”

This broadcast of My Favourite Military Despot was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

This broadcast of My Favourite Military Despot was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

“The Turin Hairstyle? I like it, I might steal it, and my associate Gustav has already beaten you to registering the trademark, copyright, and instagram handle.”  damnit I gotta stop putting my ideas on the internet.

“The Turin Hairstyle? I like it, I might steal it, and my associate Gustav has already beaten you to registering the trademark, copyright, and instagram handle.” damnit I gotta stop putting my ideas on the internet.

…. and remember, wherever you are, and whatever you do, every footpath is a catwalk, and every day is fashion week. Peace, out.

…. and remember, wherever you are, and whatever you do, every footpath is a catwalk, and every day is fashion week. Peace, out.


Well… that was quite a 5-day adventure, and after it I can only say I’m totally spent, with two weeks to go until London Film Festival, which will hopefully be part of a 14-consecutive-day adventure I can come out of the other side of with some of my sanity intact. (Here’s hoping!)

Until then…. *air kiss air kiss*

Previous Fashion Week Journals :

2010.1 ,2012.1 , 2013.1 , 2013.2 , 2014.1 , 2015.1 , 2016.1 , 2016.2 , 2017.1 , 2017.2 , 2018.1 , 2018.2 and 2019.1 .

The 2019 Olivier Awards, Royal Albert Hall

April 7th, 2019.

(NOTE : NOW UPDATED WITH WINNERS - further below)

Well… it’s that time of year again : the first of two theatre-related events I try to get to in order to take photos, and desperately not feel like an uncultured heathen because I don’t know anyone from the world of theatre. I’d like to say I watched at least one play in the past 12 months… but I suspect that I can’t without lying. I listened to the soundtrack of “Shakespeare In Love” at least once, though, if that helps.

Here’s how it went down.

Wristband handouts for the event were scheduled at 11:00am, but when I dropped by at around 9:15 there was no queue. Rather than this signalling the death-knell of theatre in London, though, it merely meant they’d handed them out early. I was given wristband #73 and told to come back in about four hours.

Wristband handouts for the event were scheduled at 11:00am, but when I dropped by at around 9:15 there was no queue. Rather than this signalling the death-knell of theatre in London, though, it merely meant they’d handed them out early. I was given wristband #73 and told to come back in about four hours.

The front pen on the stairs was closest to the photographers… but I ended up in the front row of the third pen : better elevation, albeit at the cost of a lot more people between me and anyone at the bottom of the stairs.

The front pen on the stairs was closest to the photographers… but I ended up in the front row of the third pen : better elevation, albeit at the cost of a lot more people between me and anyone at the bottom of the stairs.

My view. Not pictured : me.

My view.
Not pictured : me.

“It says ‘spool film here’. Does anyone have any film? Or know what a spool is?”

“It says ‘spool film here’. Does anyone have any film? Or know what a spool is?”

“If I were to stay here throughout the event, could I get my interviews done here on the stairs rather than the custom stage they thoughtfully constructed over yonder?”   the stage was weatherproof… but it was way over <there>. Fortunately, it soon stopped raining.

“If I were to stay here throughout the event, could I get my interviews done here on the stairs rather than the custom stage they thoughtfully constructed over yonder?”
the stage was weatherproof… but it was way over <there>. Fortunately, it soon stopped raining.

Wireimage helpfully identifies them as Kate Graham, Sara Poyzer, and Ricky Butt, but the fact that they appear to recognise me concerns me quite a lot.

Wireimage helpfully identifies them as Kate Graham, Sara Poyzer, and Ricky Butt, but the fact that they appear to recognise me concerns me quite a lot.

“I can TOTALLY wear this and still be vegan, STEVE.”  Angellica Bell is another one of this event’s hosts. I think there were four. Sadly your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mr Impact and his tame DJ Legitim8 The4ter did not provide warmup duties for this event

“I can TOTALLY wear this and still be vegan, STEVE.”
Angellica Bell is another one of this event’s hosts. I think there were four. Sadly your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mr Impact and his tame DJ Legitim8 The4ter did not provide warmup duties for this event

Gok Wan, the nature of whose fame I’m not entirely certain of, was a third host of this event.

Gok Wan, the nature of whose fame I’m not entirely certain of, was a third host of this event.

“I hated that sofa, but right now I regret destroying it”.  I don’t know who this is, but if there’s any leftover I could maybe line the inside of some of my thin beanies with it.

“I hated that sofa, but right now I regret destroying it”.
I don’t know who this is, but if there’s any leftover I could maybe line the inside of some of my thin beanies with it.

“I’m not only the fourth host, I’m also part of the other three. It’s complicated, and the metaphysics of it are not entirely clear but I… oh, right. You’re not interested. You just want to know where I got this jacket”  - I don’t know who this is, but I think he was the fourth host of this event.

“I’m not only the fourth host, I’m also part of the other three. It’s complicated, and the metaphysics of it are not entirely clear but I… oh, right. You’re not interested. You just want to know where I got this jacket”
- I don’t know who this is, but I think he was the fourth host of this event.

“Jacques told me that I had to wear the scarf with uneven lengths, and was very persuasive about it. But he’s not here and I’m not sure any more. Dear, do you have Jacques’ number?”

“Jacques told me that I had to wear the scarf with uneven lengths, and was very persuasive about it. But he’s not here and I’m not sure any more. Dear, do you have Jacques’ number?”

“Hey, your two year old couldn’t do this, much less in heels….”  Joanne Clifton is… erm…. wearing that dress. That’s all I’ve got for now. (edited to add : possibly a choreogapher (?) on the show Strictly Come Dancing?)

“Hey, your two year old couldn’t do this, much less in heels….”
Joanne Clifton is… erm…. wearing that dress. That’s all I’ve got for now. (edited to add : possibly a choreogapher (?) on the show Strictly Come Dancing?)

“Believe me, if I frowned any harder, you’d know about it”  Nell Hudson is, I’m reliably informed, best known for playing something or someone called “Skerrett” in something called “Victoria”. I’m not even sure that’s theatre related.

“Believe me, if I frowned any harder, you’d know about it”
Nell Hudson is, I’m reliably informed, best known for playing something or someone called “Skerrett” in something called “Victoria”. I’m not even sure that’s theatre related.

“Which of the armed forces am I a member of? The most fabulous one, obviously”.

“Which of the armed forces am I a member of? The most fabulous one, obviously”.

Wireimage calls her Eleanor Matsora , but imdb.com notes somebody somewhat similar looking called “Eleanor Matsuura” who was in Wonder Woman, and something called “MI-5” that was not however a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible film. Meanwhile, this dress appears to exist in more than 4 dimensions and I know there’s a mostly finished bottle of German beer sitting next to me as I type this, but I swear I’m not making most of this up.

Wireimage calls her Eleanor Matsora , but imdb.com notes somebody somewhat similar looking called “Eleanor Matsuura” who was in Wonder Woman, and something called “MI-5” that was not however a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible film. Meanwhile, this dress appears to exist in more than 4 dimensions and I know there’s a mostly finished bottle of German beer sitting next to me as I type this, but I swear I’m not making most of this up.

“Holding your dress the same way as I am isn’t helping me get up these stairs, babe” ”I was going by the adage that a problem shared is a problem halved…… babe”  Antonia Thomas (centre-ish) was possibly in something called “The Good Doctor” and something else called “Lovesick” and something else called “Teletubbies”. None of which have much to do with theatre, true, but then I don’t and I’m here.

“Holding your dress the same way as I am isn’t helping me get up these stairs, babe”
”I was going by the adage that a problem shared is a problem halved…… babe”

Antonia Thomas (centre-ish) was possibly in something called “The Good Doctor” and something else called “Lovesick” and something else called “Teletubbies”. None of which have much to do with theatre, true, but then I don’t and I’m here.

“I’m totally not taking that guy’s wallet while I’m talking to you” ”….” ”By which I mean I’m leaving his wallet and only taking its contents”  I don’t know who this is, but the handiwork looks fairly deft.

“I’m totally not taking that guy’s wallet while I’m talking to you”
”….”
”By which I mean I’m leaving his wallet and only taking its contents”
I don’t know who this is, but the handiwork looks fairly deft.

“If this doesn’t get me on the cover of Hair-Swish Monthly, I’m wearing caps and beanies everywhere from now on” . Woohoo… our numbers are growing, and I don’t care why.

“If this doesn’t get me on the cover of Hair-Swish Monthly, I’m wearing caps and beanies everywhere from now on”. Woohoo… our numbers are growing, and I don’t care why.

“I’m just taking a photo of the building, guys… but okay, sure, lean in and admire my mad compositional skillz”

“I’m just taking a photo of the building, guys… but okay, sure, lean in and admire my mad compositional skillz”

“What do you mean ‘you’re here but you can’t see me’? There are people looking at the reflections of this dress bouncing off the magnetosphere in Canada right now….. and they can see me”.   - the good news is that I’m not letting myself get distracted failing to identify theatre-people streaming past me, and getting on with my life of ignorance.

“What do you mean ‘you’re here but you can’t see me’? There are people looking at the reflections of this dress bouncing off the magnetosphere in Canada right now….. and they can see me”.
- the good news is that I’m not letting myself get distracted failing to identify theatre-people streaming past me, and getting on with my life of ignorance.

“It’s not about making you smile, per se, it’s about eliciting a response. Check out the out-of-focus lady behind me - I don’t even have to look at her to know I’ve impacted her”  Jason Manford is, I’m told, a comedian.  (edited to add : he was the host for the evening with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

“It’s not about making you smile, per se, it’s about eliciting a response. Check out the out-of-focus lady behind me - I don’t even have to look at her to know I’ve impacted her”
Jason Manford is, I’m told, a comedian.
(edited to add : he was the host for the evening with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

“Everybody say Feart-Ahh!!”

“Everybody say Feart-Ahh!!”

“Oh, mighty Ba’al, accept this offering from your unworthy minion….  … damnit, I’m never going to be able to hold this aloft long enough to photograph Tom Hiddleston”

“Oh, mighty Ba’al, accept this offering from your unworthy minion….
… damnit, I’m never going to be able to hold this aloft long enough to photograph Tom Hiddleston”

“Of course it’s not for sale : it’s ART!!”

“Of course it’s not for sale : it’s ART!!”

“I’m going to stop you there, not because I want you to continue this story from where you left off once I return, it’s just because I really want to be elsewhere. But peace be with you, good brother. We’ll meet again one day I’m sure.”   My baseline assumption in life is that I’ve never met anyone called Martha Plimpton . And that’s still true, since we didn’t speak at this event, but she WAS in the movie “Goonies” back in the day.

“I’m going to stop you there, not because I want you to continue this story from where you left off once I return, it’s just because I really want to be elsewhere. But peace be with you, good brother. We’ll meet again one day I’m sure.”
My baseline assumption in life is that I’ve never met anyone called Martha Plimpton . And that’s still true, since we didn’t speak at this event, but she WAS in the movie “Goonies” back in the day.

Katherine Parkinson’s imdb.com credits list a dizzying array of TV shows I’ve barely heard of, let alone watched. But that’s on me - I prefer movies to television, which still doesn’t necessarily explain what I’m doing here at the Olivier Awards, which are based around Theatre.

Katherine Parkinson’s imdb.com credits list a dizzying array of TV shows I’ve barely heard of, let alone watched. But that’s on me - I prefer movies to television, which still doesn’t necessarily explain what I’m doing here at the Olivier Awards, which are based around Theatre.

“This is honestly the most formal thing I own. If I was summoned to testify in court tomorrow morning, I’d still be wearing this. Perhaps with different shoes, but that’s about it”.  I feel that even if I knew who this was, on the basis of the dress/cloak/raincoat/poncho/swathe I should also try to identify the anime character.  (edited to add : he’s Turner Prize winning artist Grayson Perry, with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

“This is honestly the most formal thing I own. If I was summoned to testify in court tomorrow morning, I’d still be wearing this. Perhaps with different shoes, but that’s about it”.
I feel that even if I knew who this was, on the basis of the dress/cloak/raincoat/poncho/swathe I should also try to identify the anime character.
(edited to add : he’s Turner Prize winning artist Grayson Perry, with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

It’s Ken Watanabe!! I’ve never photographed him before, and (oddly, in respect of everything) I do know he’s currently in a theatre production of “The King and I”.

It’s Ken Watanabe!! I’ve never photographed him before, and (oddly, in respect of everything) I do know he’s currently in a theatre production of “The King and I”.

Ken Watanabe’s movie credit’s include being in“The Last Samurai” with Tom Cruise, “Godzilla (2014)” and two Christopher Nolan films : he was Ra’s Al Ghul in “Batman Begins” and he was the guy who hired Leonardo DiCaprio’s team in “Inception”

Ken Watanabe’s movie credit’s include being in“The Last Samurai” with Tom Cruise, “Godzilla (2014)” and two Christopher Nolan films : he was Ra’s Al Ghul in “Batman Begins” and he was the guy who hired Leonardo DiCaprio’s team in “Inception”

“Stop laughing, guys. There’s no way I could take a photo like this without posing like this"

“Stop laughing, guys. There’s no way I could take a photo like this without posing like this"

“Actually, there’s every chance I’m wearing this dress not just backwards, but upside-down”  The only one of Adrienne Wilson’s imdb credits I’ve actually heard of is for “Orange is the New Black”, but “Assassinauts “ sounds kind of interesting….

“Actually, there’s every chance I’m wearing this dress not just backwards, but upside-down”
The only one of Adrienne Wilson’s imdb credits I’ve actually heard of is for “Orange is the New Black”, but “Assassinauts “ sounds kind of interesting….

It’s Jonathan Hyde! He played the skeevy Bruce Ismay in James Cameron’s ‘Titanic’, the arrogant Warren Westridge in the landmark (?) 1997 creature feature “Anaconda”, the hunter in the original “Jumanji” film with Robin William, was in the first Brendan Frasier movie in the “Mummy” franchise. He was even the butler in the Macaulay Culkin Richie Rich movie! And I’ve never photographed him before today. Good times.   Also : Theatre!!!

It’s Jonathan Hyde! He played the skeevy Bruce Ismay in James Cameron’s ‘Titanic’, the arrogant Warren Westridge in the landmark (?) 1997 creature feature “Anaconda”, the hunter in the original “Jumanji” film with Robin William, was in the first Brendan Frasier movie in the “Mummy” franchise. He was even the butler in the Macaulay Culkin Richie Rich movie! And I’ve never photographed him before today. Good times. Also : Theatre!!!

Arinze Kene is in The Theatre - I’ve photographed him at numerous Evening Standard Awards (which is my substitute for actually going to the theatre), which is why I know this.

Arinze Kene is in The Theatre - I’ve photographed him at numerous Evening Standard Awards (which is my substitute for actually going to the theatre), which is why I know this.

David Suchet! He played the role of Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot over 70 episodes spanning a period of nearly 25 years. I haven’t even remained consistent to my own character for that long!

David Suchet! He played the role of Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot over 70 episodes spanning a period of nearly 25 years. I haven’t even remained consistent to my own character for that long!

“Crimson Jihad was more of an art movement than a legitimate terror organisation. Though, yes, we did have a couple of nuclear weapons… “  It’s Art Malik !! The third person at this even that I’ve never photographed - he was the villain in the James Cameron movie “True Lies”

“Crimson Jihad was more of an art movement than a legitimate terror organisation. Though, yes, we did have a couple of nuclear weapons… “
It’s Art Malik !! The third person at this even that I’ve never photographed - he was the villain in the James Cameron movie “True Lies”

“I was in other things, you know”

“I was in other things, you know”

Theatre people. They’re the least understated people.

Theatre people. They’re the least understated people.

“Cigarette in one hand, sharpie in the other. What… you got a problem with that?”  Speaking of… erm… Theatre? It’s Danny Dyer!

“Cigarette in one hand, sharpie in the other. What… you got a problem with that?”
Speaking of… erm… Theatre? It’s Danny Dyer!

“If you wanted me to look cool by smoking, you should have told me….”  Beverley Knight is &lt;checks&gt; a singer.

“If you wanted me to look cool by smoking, you should have told me….”
Beverley Knight is <checks> a singer.

I think a fun thing you could do with Sophie Okonedo is to hold out DVDs of “After Earth”, “Aeon Flux”, and “Ace Ventura When Nature Calls” and see which one she’ll sign. (Ace Ventura, obviously, because that’s a great movie). Of course, you could hold out a DVD of “Hotel Rwanda”, which she was Oscar-nominated for. Also… who still owns DVDs anyway?

I think a fun thing you could do with Sophie Okonedo is to hold out DVDs of “After Earth”, “Aeon Flux”, and “Ace Ventura When Nature Calls” and see which one she’ll sign. (Ace Ventura, obviously, because that’s a great movie). Of course, you could hold out a DVD of “Hotel Rwanda”, which she was Oscar-nominated for. Also… who still owns DVDs anyway?

It’s Kelsey Grammer!! He played the character of Dr Frasier Crane for ten years and 203 episodes of “Cheers” from 1984-1993, before playing the same character in “Frasier” for another 263 episodes from 1993-2004. Of course, he was also Sideshow Bob in 21 episodes of The Simpsons across 27 years.

It’s Kelsey Grammer!! He played the character of Dr Frasier Crane for ten years and 203 episodes of “Cheers” from 1984-1993, before playing the same character in “Frasier” for another 263 episodes from 1993-2004. Of course, he was also Sideshow Bob in 21 episodes of The Simpsons across 27 years.

“I’ve been in other things, too….”  - including being a voice in a Transformers film, like Ken Watanabe. You know… imdb.com really is a useful resource. Do other people know about it?

“I’ve been in other things, too….” - including being a voice in a Transformers film, like Ken Watanabe. You know… imdb.com really is a useful resource. Do other people know about it?

It’s Bill Pullman!! I gotta say, for actors who may/may not have anything to do with theatre (as far as I know/care), I am doing very well at photographing people I’ve never photographed before : he was the President in the 1996 classic “Independence Day” and the … well… EX-president in its rather less stellar sequel, made twenty years later. Also : check out the Crocodile movie “Lake Placid” - he’s in that and he’s pretty good….  ….. and would it kill you to get some culture and take in a show sometime? London has several theatres, I’m told.

It’s Bill Pullman!! I gotta say, for actors who may/may not have anything to do with theatre (as far as I know/care), I am doing very well at photographing people I’ve never photographed before : he was the President in the 1996 classic “Independence Day” and the … well… EX-president in its rather less stellar sequel, made twenty years later. Also : check out the Crocodile movie “Lake Placid” - he’s in that and he’s pretty good….

….. and would it kill you to get some culture and take in a show sometime? London has several theatres, I’m told.

Sadly, in my eagerness to photograph Bill Pullman, I missed Sally Field, considerably shorter than he is yet standing right next to him, until she scurried past.

Sadly, in my eagerness to photograph Bill Pullman, I missed Sally Field, considerably shorter than he is yet standing right next to him, until she scurried past.

Fortunately, the Nikon I’m using at this event only needs three shots to get a subject in focus, its autofocus is that good.

Fortunately, the Nikon I’m using at this event only needs three shots to get a subject in focus, its autofocus is that good.

Unfortunately, one frame later the blurred head on the right moved left and blocked Sally Field just as she would have been in focus. Argh.

Unfortunately, one frame later the blurred head on the right moved left and blocked Sally Field just as she would have been in focus. Argh.

It’s only because I occasionally walk past the Noel Coward Theatre in London that I know Gillian Anderson is currently in &lt;checks online&gt; “All About Eve” with Lily James. Who sadly did not attend the Oliviers. Or, if she did, count me as much sadder.

It’s only because I occasionally walk past the Noel Coward Theatre in London that I know Gillian Anderson is currently in <checks online> “All About Eve” with Lily James. Who sadly did not attend the Oliviers. Or, if she did, count me as much sadder.

“I’m going to stop you there, because your story is uninteresting and I’ve got an interview to do. But my assistant will stand in for me and report the details back to me if she deems them interesting enough”  - Gillian Anderson is of course best known for being Scully in the X-Files, but she’s also in my CD collection with the single “Extremis” by “Hal. Feat. Gillian Anderson”… I’m sure the technology exists to still play CDs in this day and age, I’m just not sure how, myself.

“I’m going to stop you there, because your story is uninteresting and I’ve got an interview to do. But my assistant will stand in for me and report the details back to me if she deems them interesting enough”
- Gillian Anderson is of course best known for being Scully in the X-Files, but she’s also in my CD collection with the single “Extremis” by “Hal. Feat. Gillian Anderson”… I’m sure the technology exists to still play CDs in this day and age, I’m just not sure how, myself.

Tom Hiddleston used to have the power to ensure any journal I posted featuring his presence would get 5-10x more views than if they simply contained generically good looking people or Oscar winners. I’m not sure he still has that power, but the hairstyle’s great, the focus is commendable, and in the absence of all else : he remains tall and thus easier to photograph than people shorter than he is.

Tom Hiddleston used to have the power to ensure any journal I posted featuring his presence would get 5-10x more views than if they simply contained generically good looking people or Oscar winners. I’m not sure he still has that power, but the hairstyle’s great, the focus is commendable, and in the absence of all else : he remains tall and thus easier to photograph than people shorter than he is.

“Wait… they’ve released trailers for Spider-Man : Far From Home even though when we last saw Spider-Man he’d just DIED in an Avengers film whose sequel isn’t out for another few weeks? Did somebody screw up or does Disney just not care anymore??”  - Loki’s current status in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is also &lt;checks&gt; deceased.

“Wait… they’ve released trailers for Spider-Man : Far From Home even though when we last saw Spider-Man he’d just DIED in an Avengers film whose sequel isn’t out for another few weeks? Did somebody screw up or does Disney just not care anymore??” - Loki’s current status in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is also <checks> deceased.

“Yes, in a manner of speaking I did play Ben Affleck. Or rather, I prefer to think that he played ME”  This is possibly Charlie Cox, who is possibly in the (former?) TV Series ‘Daredevil’.

“Yes, in a manner of speaking I did play Ben Affleck. Or rather, I prefer to think that he played ME”
This is possibly Charlie Cox, who is possibly in the (former?) TV Series ‘Daredevil’.

“The Miami Sound Machine is more or less an iPod at this stage. Or… wait… even that reference is pretty dated right now, I guess….”  In a blow to my claims of being far, FAR too young to remember then 1990s let alone the 1980s, it’s singer Gloria Estefan!!

“The Miami Sound Machine is more or less an iPod at this stage. Or… wait… even that reference is pretty dated right now, I guess….”
In a blow to my claims of being far, FAR too young to remember then 1990s let alone the 1980s, it’s singer Gloria Estefan!!

The carpet is cleared and a car pulls up. And if its occupant doesn’t have a ticket to the event this could all be rather awkward. Though the armed dudes on motorcycles could probably clear things up pretty quickly.

The carpet is cleared and a car pulls up. And if its occupant doesn’t have a ticket to the event this could all be rather awkward. Though the armed dudes on motorcycles could probably clear things up pretty quickly.

“One would consider grabbing a cider and popcorn if that bar they have is still open?”  It’s Camilla Duchess of Cornwall, sans Prince Charles but with quite the dress-cloak and cheery smile

“One would consider grabbing a cider and popcorn if that bar they have is still open?”
It’s Camilla Duchess of Cornwall, sans Prince Charles but with quite the dress-cloak and cheery smile

Suspects she knows what I’m planning, and does not endorse it. Damn.

Suspects she knows what I’m planning, and does not endorse it.
Damn.

So… that was that. Until, uh…. sometime tomorrow(ish) when I find out who actually WON Olivier Awards and I go scurrying to find out whether I actually photographed them accidentally among the heaving throngs of people on the red carpet who haven’t been in movies and who WEREN’T shouted at by dealers in my vicinity.

UPDATE : I’ve now trawled through the approximately 2000 photos I took on the afternoon and had a look for anyone who might have won an Olivier Award on the night. (You’d think the official website might have a pictorial winners gallery, but what it has is a dizzying auto-revolving carousel that you need to manually scroll through one by one and whose names can not be copy-pasted, which somewhat less than helpful..)

“What the hell is a Rugby League theme tune??”  I’m fairly certain that this is  Kobna Holdbrook-Smith , who won for Best Actor in a Musical (for  “Tina Turner” ) - and that comment only makes sense if you’re from Australia and probably over 35, so sorry about that.

“What the hell is a Rugby League theme tune??” I’m fairly certain that this is Kobna Holdbrook-Smith, who won for Best Actor in a Musical (for “Tina Turner”) - and that comment only makes sense if you’re from Australia and probably over 35, so sorry about that.

This might possibly be the dude clutching the Olivier amidst a huge cast group shot for “Come From Away” - the  Best New Musical Award  on the night. I don’t know his name, but Gloria Estefan was also in the group shot, so that’s something.

This might possibly be the dude clutching the Olivier amidst a huge cast group shot for “Come From Away” - the Best New Musical Award on the night. I don’t know his name, but Gloria Estefan was also in the group shot, so that’s something.

Thanks to the pretty lady in the light-coloured dress on the right, I inadvertently happened to photograph  Chris Walley , who won the Olivier for  Best Actor in a Supporting Role , for “The Lieutenant of Inishmore” - thanks, pretty lady!

Thanks to the pretty lady in the light-coloured dress on the right, I inadvertently happened to photograph Chris Walley, who won the Olivier for Best Actor in a Supporting Role, for “The Lieutenant of Inishmore” - thanks, pretty lady!

The two partially obscured ladies are responsible for  Best New Comedy . On the left  Tamara Harvey  (director)…. and

The two partially obscured ladies are responsible for Best New Comedy. On the left Tamara Harvey (director)…. and

….  Laura Wade  (writer), for “Home I’m Darling”

…. Laura Wade (writer), for “Home I’m Darling”

I believe these are two of the cast of  “Flesh and Bone”  which won for “ Outstanding achievement in affiliate theatre”  - and I’m not entirely certain what that award means, but I’m sure their Olivier Award glowers no less menacingly than that of any other category.

I believe these are two of the cast of “Flesh and Bone” which won for “Outstanding achievement in affiliate theatre” - and I’m not entirely certain what that award means, but I’m sure their Olivier Award glowers no less menacingly than that of any other category.

My view of the stage is constantly blocked by people taller than me between me and it, but the occasional random shot proves (once again) helpful - I believe this is  Matthew Bourne , who won the Olivier for …  “Special Award”  on the night. I’d like to believe that’s the one where the glowering Olivier Statuette wears a cool cap backwards.

My view of the stage is constantly blocked by people taller than me between me and it, but the occasional random shot proves (once again) helpful - I believe this is Matthew Bourne, who won the Olivier for … “Special Award” on the night. I’d like to believe that’s the one where the glowering Olivier Statuette wears a cool cap backwards.

“I’m really not qualified to perform intricate tapestry work at short notice, but okay”   Jonathan Bailey  (if this be he) won  Best Supporting Actor in A Musical  for “Company” on the night.

“I’m really not qualified to perform intricate tapestry work at short notice, but okay”
Jonathan Bailey (if this be he) won Best Supporting Actor in A Musical for “Company” on the night.

Monica Dolan  (in green at long range) won  Best Supporting Actress  for her role in “All About Eve”. Meanwhile, at even longer range, the blurry guy in the background * might*  be Matthew Lopez who won for Best New Play for “Inheritance” on the night.

Monica Dolan (in green at long range) won Best Supporting Actress for her role in “All About Eve”. Meanwhile, at even longer range, the blurry guy in the background *might* be Matthew Lopez who won for Best New Play for “Inheritance” on the night.

A few frames later in the same rapid 10-frame-per-second burst, and the blurry figure in the back may just be  Kyle Soller , who won  Best Actor  for “Inheritance” on the night.

A few frames later in the same rapid 10-frame-per-second burst, and the blurry figure in the back may just be Kyle Soller, who won Best Actor for “Inheritance” on the night.

So… that was that. And if I never have to look at another official Oliviers Website with a rotating carousel of sporadically unlabelled winners that occasionally only goes one-direction, it’ll be too soon. Lift your game, Oliviers - you may know theatre, but that’s not how an ART GALLERY works.

Anyway, until next time, which probably won’t be an Avengers Endgame Event in London (unless of course it IS) because Disney can’t be assed to fly more than three or five people from a cast/poster containing about two dozen people to show about 20 minutes of footage from a 3 hour movie to promote their film and invite only their closest friends and a few lucky fans to see it and tweet about it. I already forget what the movie is called - the prior one was two and a half hours long and BORING whenever its tone wasn’t completely bipolar.

Anyway, feel free to follow me (or insult my staggering lack of knowledge about theatre, and/or hatred of Marvel/Disney) on : facebook at premieres.co; or twitter at berndt2_photo.

Previous Oliver Awards Journals: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, and 2014….. and this year’s goes right into the Archive to join them

London Fashion Week 2019.1

Well, who knew it’d be just six months since the last one that London would roll out another Fashion Week? And rather than move the event anywhere remotely crowd- and street-photography friendly, they’d keep it on the same stretch of pavement on The Strand that’s been hosting it for years?

Ah, but it’s London Fashion Week, Dahlink. I can only stay mad so long….. besides, this year I spent more time at the Masonic Hall than The Strand.

Here’s how it went down on the five days I went:

DAY 5 - Tuesday, 19th February

“If you’re taking the photo without admiring me or the dress, you’re doing it wrong”

“If you’re taking the photo without admiring me or the dress, you’re doing it wrong”

“They always check my handbag for weapons, but they never check whether my handbag IS a weapon…”

“They always check my handbag for weapons, but they never check whether my handbag IS a weapon…”

Not a digital effect.

Not a digital effect.

“And none of you have asked me how I want it hash-tagged… are you just going to make up your own? What gives you that right?”

“And none of you have asked me how I want it hash-tagged… are you just going to make up your own? What gives you that right?”

“The hair-colour doesn’t contrast with the beret AT ALL, and she’s furious” ”….” ”Well, she’s not happy at any rate”

“The hair-colour doesn’t contrast with the beret AT ALL, and she’s furious”
”….”
”Well, she’s not happy at any rate”

“I carry an out-of-focus background with me everywhere I go. It causes headaches and sore eyes for people nearby, but that’s the price of fashion, dahling”

“I carry an out-of-focus background with me everywhere I go. It causes headaches and sore eyes for people nearby, but that’s the price of fashion, dahling”

Getting people to pose during London Fashion Week is pretty easy if you’ve got a DSLR.. but getting them to walk away from you without turning? Not as easy.

Getting people to pose during London Fashion Week is pretty easy if you’ve got a DSLR.. but getting them to walk away from you without turning? Not as easy.

“Let’s just say the rock band I’m part of doesn’t have need of a harmonica player, and leave it at that”

“Let’s just say the rock band I’m part of doesn’t have need of a harmonica player, and leave it at that”

Some days Khaleesi just wanted a motorbike in order to look cool.

Some days Khaleesi just wanted a motorbike in order to look cool.

“I’m trying to flirt, but I also really want to ask the guy behind me what his suitcase is made of. It looks like granite and I kind of want one…”

“I’m trying to flirt, but I also really want to ask the guy behind me what his suitcase is made of. It looks like granite and I kind of want one…”

And finally, on Day 5 of LFW, it was also the death of fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld, who I was lucky enough to photograph (at the    2015 Fashion Awards   ), but this mural has been outside ‘TY Seven Dials’ for at least the past year.

And finally, on Day 5 of LFW, it was also the death of fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld, who I was lucky enough to photograph (at the 2015 Fashion Awards), but this mural has been outside ‘TY Seven Dials’ for at least the past year.

previously…. DAY 4 - Monday, 18th February

“Is somebody over there opening a bag of complimentary low-calorie flavoured popcorn?”  - no, but they did hand out free Harrods Magazines.

“Is somebody over there opening a bag of complimentary low-calorie flavoured popcorn?” - no, but they did hand out free Harrods Magazines.

“Six layers, and now they’re getting waterlogged. Won’t somebody think of the models??”

“Six layers, and now they’re getting waterlogged. Won’t somebody think of the models??”

“Let me know when you’ve taken the photo… I don’t want too many questions asked about how we got the material for the dress….”

“Let me know when you’ve taken the photo… I don’t want too many questions asked about how we got the material for the dress….”

“Of course, the look is entirely incomplete without an out-of-focus cigarette butt in the picture somewhere….”

“Of course, the look is entirely incomplete without an out-of-focus cigarette butt in the picture somewhere….”

“The moustache isn’t 100% finished, and I’ve been promised a swift death if I unveil it before it’s ready….”

“The moustache isn’t 100% finished, and I’ve been promised a swift death if I unveil it before it’s ready….”

Seems a bit too easy to write a comment… but they probably should paint over it with something like “fabulous” or “sexy” for the duration of LFW, especially since they went to the trouble of having parking suspended there…

Seems a bit too easy to write a comment… but they probably should paint over it with something like “fabulous” or “sexy” for the duration of LFW, especially since they went to the trouble of having parking suspended there…

“I wasn’t aware it was an endangered species, OKAY?? Anyway, if you really want to nab a criminal, there’s somebody over there wearing a beanie with a pom-pom ….”

“I wasn’t aware it was an endangered species, OKAY?? Anyway, if you really want to nab a criminal, there’s somebody over there wearing a beanie with a pom-pom ….”

“I shouldn’t have to indicate that I want a cab, especially if I feel it would be against the strong independent spirit of the ensemble I’m wearing…”

“I shouldn’t have to indicate that I want a cab, especially if I feel it would be against the strong independent spirit of the ensemble I’m wearing…”

“… now what am I meant to do for the next six months….?”

“… now what am I meant to do for the next six months….?”

DAY 3 - Sunday, 17th February

“I hate it when I get an email on one of these…”

“I hate it when I get an email on one of these…”

“Sorry… we’re kind of a package deal. You want one of us, you have to hire both of us. Oh, and Bridget over there isn’t with us.” ”What the hell, guys???”

“Sorry… we’re kind of a package deal. You want one of us, you have to hire both of us. Oh, and Bridget over there isn’t with us.”
”What the hell, guys???”

“Thanks to this Russian Nesting Backpack, I can finally carry my spare packet of artificial sweetener in complete safety…”

“Thanks to this Russian Nesting Backpack, I can finally carry my spare packet of artificial sweetener in complete safety…”

“This is no way to break up with someone, Barry…”

“This is no way to break up with someone, Barry…”

“Hold on, Karen. There’s a place here that needs me to totally Fab it Up” ”…..” ”Yes, I know the place I just left now needs me to return to Fab IT Up, but that’s the house of cards my life has become, now”

“Hold on, Karen. There’s a place here that needs me to totally Fab it Up”
”…..”
”Yes, I know the place I just left now needs me to return to Fab IT Up, but that’s the house of cards my life has become, now”

“The sweatshop workers really outdid themselves on those shaved jean fronds. Of course they’re done by hand, do you honestly think machines are capable of this level of artistry??”

“The sweatshop workers really outdid themselves on those shaved jean fronds. Of course they’re done by hand, do you honestly think machines are capable of this level of artistry??”

“Okay but WHEN is the guy with the step-ladder coming?”

“Okay but WHEN is the guy with the step-ladder coming?”

“I’ve had a Saudi prince offer me six figures for these cheekbones, and now you want me to pose for free for your blog??”

“I’ve had a Saudi prince offer me six figures for these cheekbones, and now you want me to pose for free for your blog??”

“But my Agent is over THERE…”

“But my Agent is over THERE…”

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but one of these three lenses is technically illegal…”

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but one of these three lenses is technically illegal…”

“You’re not even taking off your backpack to photograph me? What kind of professional ARE you??”

“You’re not even taking off your backpack to photograph me? What kind of professional ARE you??”

“I try not to think about what might happen if the thing slips and the tip of the ‘Y’ spears upwards. But I’m sure they meet all applicable safety standards…. besides which they look fabulous, and they’ve promised me similarly branded crutches is anything like that happens”

“I try not to think about what might happen if the thing slips and the tip of the ‘Y’ spears upwards. But I’m sure they meet all applicable safety standards…. besides which they look fabulous, and they’ve promised me similarly branded crutches is anything like that happens”

“I don’t want to seem impolite, but can we skip past your holiday photos and get to the ones I’m actually in?”

“I don’t want to seem impolite, but can we skip past your holiday photos and get to the ones I’m actually in?”

DAY 2 - Saturday, 16th February

“I’ve been here two hours already and not one person has asked me who I’m wearing, what I’m wearing, or even if I need help getting down from here. I tell ya, London Fashion Week sure has changed.”

“I’ve been here two hours already and not one person has asked me who I’m wearing, what I’m wearing, or even if I need help getting down from here. I tell ya, London Fashion Week sure has changed.”

“It’s not about how you pronounce it, it’s about the fact it’s trademarked, which means Disney can buy it for billions, just like everything else…”

“It’s not about how you pronounce it, it’s about the fact it’s trademarked, which means Disney can buy it for billions, just like everything else…”

“I can hold this pose for a short while longer, but after that my sacred order is probably going to come after me for revealing we have the power to do this…”

“I can hold this pose for a short while longer, but after that my sacred order is probably going to come after me for revealing we have the power to do this…”

Somewhere at Apple Headquarters in California, Tim Cook is spitting breakfast cereal at his monitor and screaming   “this is why we invented the wireless ones, damnit!!!”  . Yeah, you can invent it, but you can’t decree it to be cool until the kids say it’s cool.

Somewhere at Apple Headquarters in California, Tim Cook is spitting breakfast cereal at his monitor and screaming “this is why we invented the wireless ones, damnit!!!”. Yeah, you can invent it, but you can’t decree it to be cool until the kids say it’s cool.

“Guys, we SWORE we’d co-ordinate shoes this year… why did we betray each other??” ”For Fashion.” ”Yeah, for fashion…” ”Damnit… that’s why I betrayed you guys as well.”

“Guys, we SWORE we’d co-ordinate shoes this year… why did we betray each other??”
”For Fashion.”
”Yeah, for fashion…”
”Damnit… that’s why I betrayed you guys as well.”

“Please tell me the shell-shocked look is still in. Failing that, white hexagonal handbags…”

“Please tell me the shell-shocked look is still in. Failing that, white hexagonal handbags…”

“Sketchers? So 1960s, 1980s, 2010s and possibly again in a couple of years. But not THIS year…”

“Sketchers? So 1960s, 1980s, 2010s and possibly again in a couple of years. But not THIS year…”

“My only regret is that the sunglass frames aren’t a colour. But a girl learns to get on with life….”

“My only regret is that the sunglass frames aren’t a colour. But a girl learns to get on with life….”

Not sure what’s going on here, but my black Nikes are feeling more than a little inadequate, and I might need to buy myself some police tape to wrap around my legs at some stage.

Not sure what’s going on here, but my black Nikes are feeling more than a little inadequate, and I might need to buy myself some police tape to wrap around my legs at some stage.

“You could be one of eight people photographing me while I’m sitting here, or you could be a gentleman and help me get down from this terrifying height?” . Oops.

“You could be one of eight people photographing me while I’m sitting here, or you could be a gentleman and help me get down from this terrifying height?”. Oops.

“And what’s the reason they let ugly people photograph pretty people at London Fashion Week?” ”Well, if everyone was pretty, then nobody would be photographing anyone, and how would we get on instagram otherwise?” ”Oh, right….”

“And what’s the reason they let ugly people photograph pretty people at London Fashion Week?”
”Well, if everyone was pretty, then nobody would be photographing anyone, and how would we get on instagram otherwise?”
”Oh, right….”

“And you’re sure this is how models are posing these days?” ”It keeps the chiropractors busy ….”

“And you’re sure this is how models are posing these days?”
”It keeps the chiropractors busy ….”

“They’re pure gold and 80% of my current net worth, and part of the reason I’m not wearing socks right now. But no regrets…”

“They’re pure gold and 80% of my current net worth, and part of the reason I’m not wearing socks right now. But no regrets…”

“And you’re all so busy photographing me that not one of you is offering to help me cross the road. I frikkin’ hate fashion week”

“And you’re all so busy photographing me that not one of you is offering to help me cross the road. I frikkin’ hate fashion week”

When you’re the coolest looking person in the place, and you’ve run out of selfies.

When you’re the coolest looking person in the place, and you’ve run out of selfies.

“All right, we’re almost at the place. Hand me my hair, Jacques….”

“All right, we’re almost at the place. Hand me my hair, Jacques….”

“It’s London Fashion week and we’ve mastered both disgust and disinterest, Margaret. If Right Now isn’t our time, then WHEN?”

“It’s London Fashion week and we’ve mastered both disgust and disinterest, Margaret. If Right Now isn’t our time, then WHEN?”

previously…

DAY 1 - Friday, 15th February.

“Yeah, some lout just came along and used his car keys to scratch our nice red wall. Frankly, I think it’s a miracle that if you look at the marks a certain way they appear to spell out the letters of London Fashion Week.. but that’s just a lucky coincidence….”

“Yeah, some lout just came along and used his car keys to scratch our nice red wall. Frankly, I think it’s a miracle that if you look at the marks a certain way they appear to spell out the letters of London Fashion Week.. but that’s just a lucky coincidence….”

“The knitting needles used were enormous, and took a huge toll among the sweat-shop workers involved in its creation….. is that what you wanted to hear??”

“The knitting needles used were enormous, and took a huge toll among the sweat-shop workers involved in its creation….. is that what you wanted to hear??”

“Are you using your HANDS to take photos on your camera?? What are you, some kind of cave-man??”

“Are you using your HANDS to take photos on your camera?? What are you, some kind of cave-man??”

“The barest majority voted in favour the first time, and two years later the government’s best efforts resulted in a 230 vote parliamentary defeat, after which the most recent vote was so destined to fail that the PM didn’t even bother to show up in parliament. But yeah, no, sure - calling for another vote rather than going with what the government can provide would be fundamentally undemocratic …. somehow”   I’m not getting political here. Indeed, I don’t even know for sure what the third word on that T-shirt is. It could be “how”, or “snow”, or “know”…

“The barest majority voted in favour the first time, and two years later the government’s best efforts resulted in a 230 vote parliamentary defeat, after which the most recent vote was so destined to fail that the PM didn’t even bother to show up in parliament. But yeah, no, sure - calling for another vote rather than going with what the government can provide would be fundamentally undemocratic …. somehow”
I’m not getting political here. Indeed, I don’t even know for sure what the third word on that T-shirt is. It could be “how”, or “snow”, or “know”…

You are not this cool. I am not this cool. There’s possibly even a chance the SHE HERSELF is somehow not this cool. I’m not sure how… but I guess it’s possible.

You are not this cool. I am not this cool. There’s possibly even a chance the SHE HERSELF is somehow not this cool. I’m not sure how… but I guess it’s possible.

“He said he couldn’t make the letters larger without widening the scarf. So I fired him for his lack of vision. Out of a canon. And I don’t regret it, no matter what the Judge said….”

“He said he couldn’t make the letters larger without widening the scarf. So I fired him for his lack of vision. Out of a canon. And I don’t regret it, no matter what the Judge said….”

“I never said smoking was healthy. I merely pointed out that it made you look awesome and makes you popular and that you should make up your own mind….”

“I never said smoking was healthy. I merely pointed out that it made you look awesome and makes you popular and that you should make up your own mind….”

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me you’re actually photographing the sweet tiling behind me” ”Okay, I won’t. But could you move five, maybe ten metres to your left?”

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me you’re actually photographing the sweet tiling behind me”
”Okay, I won’t. But could you move five, maybe ten metres to your left?”

“I’m not checking the photo as much as I’m checking to see whether the sensor has been fried by the colour of what you’re wearing"….”

“I’m not checking the photo as much as I’m checking to see whether the sensor has been fried by the colour of what you’re wearing"….”

I don’t care what she’s wearing. This is FASHION.

I don’t care what she’s wearing. This is FASHION.

“Of course we’re not suggesting you wear clothing like this, because you’re nowhere near as awesome as we are and it would look dumb on you. You… erm… should still buy it though. Just in case one day you decide you’re cool enough…”

“Of course we’re not suggesting you wear clothing like this, because you’re nowhere near as awesome as we are and it would look dumb on you. You… erm… should still buy it though. Just in case one day you decide you’re cool enough…”

“They closed the cafe that used to be on the corner — what are we going to do??” ”Hold on. First let me decide if the beanie that guy’s wearing constitutes a war crime”

“They closed the cafe that used to be on the corner — what are we going to do??”
”Hold on. First let me decide if the beanie that guy’s wearing constitutes a war crime”

“Have you seen my childhood?”

“Have you seen my childhood?”

“… and if anyone takes a photo of me and converts it to black’n’white, I want them sued.”

“… and if anyone takes a photo of me and converts it to black’n’white, I want them sued.”

“This ISN’T an army recruitment station? Well… what can I sign up for here, then?”

“This ISN’T an army recruitment station? Well… what can I sign up for here, then?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Dianne. I don’t see anyone wearing anything even close to what you’re wearing. You’re going to have to project an attitude that says you’re being really REALLY ironic” ”Hey, I didn’t even light the cigarette in my mouth, that’s how ironic I’m being”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Dianne. I don’t see anyone wearing anything even close to what you’re wearing. You’re going to have to project an attitude that says you’re being really REALLY ironic”
”Hey, I didn’t even light the cigarette in my mouth, that’s how ironic I’m being”

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me they’re not handing out free popcorn this year”  Not outside the event, no.

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me they’re not handing out free popcorn this year”
Not outside the event, no.

ps. prior Fashion Week (Street) Photography journals are at  2010.12012.1, both 2013.1+ 2013.2  then 2014.12015.1, both 2016.12016.2, almost both 2017.1 + 2017.2 …. one day of 2018.1 and 2018.2 .