9th September - The 'Downton Abbey' World Premiere

September 9th 2019.

Presumably, like me, you sent your Butler down to Leicester Square, pre-dawn on this day, to acquire a wristband to this event on your behalf. And, after waiting some 90 minutes longer than instructed, in my case they returned having obtained wristband #2 for the general public pen for the event. And needless to say like me you would have them whipped for daring to return with only the second best wristband available.

But one must make do with these small inconveniences, and after arriving at Leicester Square half an hour later than instructed, and having to wait an additional 90 minutes longer, it hardly seems worth mentioning it when one is dealing with the lower classes whose notions of time and punctuality are barely above the Neanderthal.

Sigh. Here’s how one was forced to tolerate it all:

One might have expected the stage for a World Premiere to be a trifle taller, but we are talking of an imminently post-Brexit United Kingdom here. And those stairs are clearly imported from countries with shorter locals.

One might have expected the stage for a World Premiere to be a trifle taller, but we are talking of an imminently post-Brexit United Kingdom here. And those stairs are clearly imported from countries with shorter locals.

“This should look great when framed and hanging above one’s fireplace… once one gets a fireplace”  Sadly like so much on television (and indeed in and of British Culture) I have little to no knowledge of Downton Abbey - I’ve never watched it. But I assume it’s about how the Aristocracy is awesome, and indeed are the thin veneer that is all that is stopping this country from sliding into a morass of anarchy, depravity and improperly served tea.

“This should look great when framed and hanging above one’s fireplace… once one gets a fireplace”
Sadly like so much on television (and indeed in and of British Culture) I have little to no knowledge of Downton Abbey - I’ve never watched it. But I assume it’s about how the Aristocracy is awesome, and indeed are the thin veneer that is all that is stopping this country from sliding into a morass of anarchy, depravity and improperly served tea.

“I’ve heard Maggie Smith will have our Butlers shot if even a small part of the brass sidings of these stars isn’t gleaming. I think she’s a Baroness, now… she can probably do that…”  My knowledge of British Aristocracy is limited to (a) weird hats, (b) spectacular moustaches, and (c) declining to attend Trooping the Colour because The Queen didn’t ask them personally. I of course attend that event… mainly to show my personal disdain for it all.

“I’ve heard Maggie Smith will have our Butlers shot if even a small part of the brass sidings of these stars isn’t gleaming. I think she’s a Baroness, now… she can probably do that…”
My knowledge of British Aristocracy is limited to (a) weird hats, (b) spectacular moustaches, and (c) declining to attend Trooping the Colour because The Queen didn’t ask them personally. I of course attend that event… mainly to show my personal disdain for it all.

“Yo, vats irght, all you fools who thought “We’ve Been Expecting Yo” was just a spelling mistake in the movie’s tag-line. Wassup Leicester Square….. LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE!!!! Until Dame Maggie Smith arrives and commands her Butlers to tell us all to hush, of course.”  Your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mister Impact, and his Deejay DownTown presided over the warmup. And anyone who thinks Rap/RnB wasn’t around in early 1900s clearly doesn’t have any of those Gramophones.

“Yo, vats irght, all you fools who thought “We’ve Been Expecting Yo” was just a spelling mistake in the movie’s tag-line. Wassup Leicester Square….. LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE!!!! Until Dame Maggie Smith arrives and commands her Butlers to tell us all to hush, of course.” Your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mister Impact, and his Deejay DownTown presided over the warmup. And anyone who thinks Rap/RnB wasn’t around in early 1900s clearly doesn’t have any of those Gramophones.

“And we’re sure this will keep the commoners at bay? I hear they’re quite insistent…”  The talent moat for this event was kind of unprecedently long and fairly exclusive as befitting a world premiere, and I decided not to pull rank and insist on having my favourite armchair brought ito the pen for me to recline on. Meanwhile, Geraldine James was the first arrival, she plays the role of “Queen Mary” in the film.

“And we’re sure this will keep the commoners at bay? I hear they’re quite insistent…” The talent moat for this event was kind of unprecedently long and fairly exclusive as befitting a world premiere, and I decided not to pull rank and insist on having my favourite armchair brought ito the pen for me to recline on. Meanwhile, Geraldine James was the first arrival, she plays the role of “Queen Mary” in the film.

“I believe Queen Mary’s exact words were “Yo… Where My Tea an’ Scones Be At??”. “  There was a conspicuous absence of freeness at this event - no posters, gift-bags, DVDs, merchandise, etc. I suppose that’s historically accurate : the Aristocracy does not typically share their wealth with the commoners. It tends to encourage them to ask for more.

“I believe Queen Mary’s exact words were “Yo… Where My Tea an’ Scones Be At??”. “
There was a conspicuous absence of freeness at this event - no posters, gift-bags, DVDs, merchandise, etc. I suppose that’s historically accurate : the Aristocracy does not typically share their wealth with the commoners. It tends to encourage them to ask for more.

“So he said “I put a splash of milk on the Earl Grey and he was most displeased. I had him fired, of course”  Raquel Cassidy plays the role of “Phyllis Baxter” in the film (and 23 episodes of the show). My preferred variant of Earl Grey is Russian. Say what you will about them (and I have, and I will) but as a race they know what to do with bergamot.

“So he said “I put a splash of milk on the Earl Grey and he was most displeased. I had him fired, of course”
Raquel Cassidy plays the role of “Phyllis Baxter” in the film (and 23 episodes of the show). My preferred variant of Earl Grey is Russian. Say what you will about them (and I have, and I will) but as a race they know what to do with bergamot.

“I most certainly did NOT authorise for my carriage to be valet parked. Look at it - that reverse parking is terrible”  Kevin Doyle, at left, plays the role of Joseph Mosely in the film (and 46 episodes of the show). I decided to attend this premiere by taking an uber ,and not my Bentley - I requested the one that facilitates taller hats. You need to book those further in advance.

“I most certainly did NOT authorise for my carriage to be valet parked. Look at it - that reverse parking is terrible” Kevin Doyle, at left, plays the role of Joseph Mosely in the film (and 46 episodes of the show). I decided to attend this premiere by taking an uber ,and not my Bentley - I requested the one that facilitates taller hats. You need to book those further in advance.

“Where I come from they killed off most of the Aristocracy many centuries ago… and yet here you let them inbreed. How’s that working for your country?”  There were a conspicuously large number of overseas fans at this premiere, actually. I thought we’d done all we could do discourage them coming here?

“Where I come from they killed off most of the Aristocracy many centuries ago… and yet here you let them inbreed. How’s that working for your country?”
There were a conspicuously large number of overseas fans at this premiere, actually. I thought we’d done all we could do discourage them coming here?

“Wait… you’re PHOTOGRAPHING me? On a PHONE?? I thought an oil painting would be more appropriate…. or at worst a charcoal sketch if time doesn’t permit. We’re not animals… though I can no longer speak for you”  My painter is currently having a dalliance with one of the chambermaids. It’s most distressing.

“Wait… you’re PHOTOGRAPHING me? On a PHONE?? I thought an oil painting would be more appropriate…. or at worst a charcoal sketch if time doesn’t permit. We’re not animals… though I can no longer speak for you”
My painter is currently having a dalliance with one of the chambermaids. It’s most distressing.

“I felt the crown would send the wrong signal. Also it clashes with the tuxedo”  Simon Jones, who was the voice of Arthur Dent in the original Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio show (1981) is King George V in the film. My glasses are a bit more modern than his - sad to say I was having the prescription on my monocle altered and had to make do with two functioning lenses.

“I felt the crown would send the wrong signal. Also it clashes with the tuxedo”
Simon Jones, who was the voice of Arthur Dent in the original Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio show (1981) is King George V in the film. My glasses are a bit more modern than his - sad to say I was having the prescription on my monocle altered and had to make do with two functioning lenses.

“I like everything about you, your personal style and your life choices. But that doesn’t mean I have any intention of coming over there. But thanks for your inquiry!”  Kate Phillips plays the role of Mary, Princess Royal in the film, but I don’t see a tiara. Are we not staying in character for premieres these days? That’s most disappointing.

“I like everything about you, your personal style and your life choices. But that doesn’t mean I have any intention of coming over there. But thanks for your inquiry!”
Kate Phillips plays the role of Mary, Princess Royal in the film, but I don’t see a tiara. Are we not staying in character for premieres these days? That’s most disappointing.

“Well of course one must hit one’s Butlers - or at least have one of the other Butlers do it. How otherwise would they learn?”.  Indeed. There are bylaws in most country estates that allow treatment of butlers that those buffoons in Geneva want outlawed, but I’ve forced my Butlers to write to them to tell them their buffoonery is an affront to our nation’s customs.

“Well of course one must hit one’s Butlers - or at least have one of the other Butlers do it. How otherwise would they learn?”. Indeed. There are bylaws in most country estates that allow treatment of butlers that those buffoons in Geneva want outlawed, but I’ve forced my Butlers to write to them to tell them their buffoonery is an affront to our nation’s customs.

“In America we call our Aristocrats “Rich People”. I hear it’s not the same, but they still park their cars pretty much wherever they want to”  It’s not that I have anything against New Money, just the people they’re giving it to.

“In America we call our Aristocrats “Rich People”. I hear it’s not the same, but they still park their cars pretty much wherever they want to”
It’s not that I have anything against New Money, just the people they’re giving it to.

Imelda Staunton’s dress is… kind of just standing there, using Imelda Staunton to support it. It’s like one of those epiphyte vines in a rainforest, possibly not intending to harm its host but possibly unable not to.

Imelda Staunton’s dress is… kind of just standing there, using Imelda Staunton to support it. It’s like one of those epiphyte vines in a rainforest, possibly not intending to harm its host but possibly unable not to.

“These are not suspicious smiles on our faces. You can totally trust us. Also, would you like to buy a car off us?”  One hears the hired help talking of something called “Ebay” sometimes. I wasn’t aware a new trading port had opened recently - none of my advisors have invited me to invest in any overseas clipper expeeditions for some time.

“These are not suspicious smiles on our faces. You can totally trust us. Also, would you like to buy a car off us?” One hears the hired help talking of something called “Ebay” sometimes. I wasn’t aware a new trading port had opened recently - none of my advisors have invited me to invest in any overseas clipper expeeditions for some time.

“Sorry. I had no idea my hair would choose that precise moment to do that”  And that’s why tiaras are so useful, Miss.

“Sorry. I had no idea my hair would choose that precise moment to do that”
And that’s why tiaras are so useful, Miss.

“You disgust me, and I shall have to tell my Butler to slap your Butler to show my displeasure. Please make your Butler available at the earliest convenience”  My Butler is presently taking the rest the decade off for personal reasons, so I’m forced to reheat my own leftovers and open my own bottles of beer when editing photos for this journal. It’s no way to live.

“You disgust me, and I shall have to tell my Butler to slap your Butler to show my displeasure. Please make your Butler available at the earliest convenience”
My Butler is presently taking the rest the decade off for personal reasons, so I’m forced to reheat my own leftovers and open my own bottles of beer when editing photos for this journal. It’s no way to live.

“This bow tie cost more than your education. Come to think of it, and looking at you more closely, this bow-tie’s education probably cost more than your education”.  My (or rather my butler’s) baseball cap goes to community college, that’s why I wasn’t wearing it today, and Douglas Reith plays the role of Lord Merton in the movie (and 16 episodes of the show). My top hat is currently annoying the commoners behind me in the pen, but if they had any style I’d listen to them compliment me on its cut and cleave.

“This bow tie cost more than your education. Come to think of it, and looking at you more closely, this bow-tie’s education probably cost more than your education”.
My (or rather my butler’s) baseball cap goes to community college, that’s why I wasn’t wearing it today, and Douglas Reith plays the role of Lord Merton in the movie (and 16 episodes of the show). My top hat is currently annoying the commoners behind me in the pen, but if they had any style I’d listen to them compliment me on its cut and cleave.

“Yes, Parliament is a sham, but I’m afraid our stiff upper lips can’t get much stiffer than this”  Liz Trubridge and Gareth Neame are two producers of the movie, and executive producers of the show (all 52 episodes). Rumours that I was a consultant on the nuances of the British Aristocracy will be difficult to trace back to me as I’m getting my butler to type most of these.  Help me he’s a madman.

“Yes, Parliament is a sham, but I’m afraid our stiff upper lips can’t get much stiffer than this” Liz Trubridge and Gareth Neame are two producers of the movie, and executive producers of the show (all 52 episodes). Rumours that I was a consultant on the nuances of the British Aristocracy will be difficult to trace back to me as I’m getting my butler to type most of these. Help me he’s a madman.

I took a photo of somebody’s kids. They seemed pretty insistent, and I am after all a member of the working class, thus obliged to do the bidding of my social superiors…. is what I would say if I was maintaining the charade.

I took a photo of somebody’s kids. They seemed pretty insistent, and I am after all a member of the working class, thus obliged to do the bidding of my social superiors…. is what I would say if I was maintaining the charade.

I don’t actually know who this is but somebody excitedly suggested he had something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. I don’t know…. out of actors Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom I’m not sure who he most closely resembles.  edited to add: he’s Kevin McNally, who played Gibbs (the first mate, I think?) in all FIVE movies

I don’t actually know who this is but somebody excitedly suggested he had something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. I don’t know…. out of actors Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom I’m not sure who he most closely resembles.
edited to add: he’s Kevin McNally, who played Gibbs (the first mate, I think?) in all FIVE movies

“It took 11 episodes for me to get a surname, so you may be assured I’m moving up in the world”  Actor Michael Fox has gone from his role of “Andy” in 11 episodes of the show into “Andy Parker” in the movie. Meanwhile, my search for my elusive middle name continues… one makes do with being “The IIIrd”, but some days that’s just not enough.

“It took 11 episodes for me to get a surname, so you may be assured I’m moving up in the world” Actor Michael Fox has gone from his role of “Andy” in 11 episodes of the show into “Andy Parker” in the movie. Meanwhile, my search for my elusive middle name continues… one makes do with being “The IIIrd”, but some days that’s just not enough.

“Hark. I heard somebody say they wanted an autograph? Well… my butler is busy doing interviews on my behalf, telling everyone how much I enjoyed working on the show and the movie… I suppose I can sign one or two of your edicts or parchments or whatever you’ve brought to get signed…”

“Hark. I heard somebody say they wanted an autograph? Well… my butler is busy doing interviews on my behalf, telling everyone how much I enjoyed working on the show and the movie… I suppose I can sign one or two of your edicts or parchments or whatever you’ve brought to get signed…”

“I asked for a severe hairstyle, but if you ask me it’s still a bit too whimsical .…”  Tuppence Middleton was not in the original TV show Downton Abbey, but plays the role of Lucy in the film.

“I asked for a severe hairstyle, but if you ask me it’s still a bit too whimsical .…”
Tuppence Middleton was not in the original TV show Downton Abbey, but plays the role of Lucy in the film.

Michael Engler directed twice as many episodes of Sex & The City (eight) as he did episodes of Downton Abbey, and almost three time as many episodes of ‘30 Rock’ but parlayed those into directing this film. I’ve mainly managed to parlay building excel pricing models into… building more excel pricing models… but those are just a hobby of mine, anyway. Much like croquet and badminton and smoking cigars in clubs far too exclusive to talk about here.

Michael Engler directed twice as many episodes of Sex & The City (eight) as he did episodes of Downton Abbey, and almost three time as many episodes of ‘30 Rock’ but parlayed those into directing this film. I’ve mainly managed to parlay building excel pricing models into… building more excel pricing models… but those are just a hobby of mine, anyway. Much like croquet and badminton and smoking cigars in clubs far too exclusive to talk about here.

“Frankly, once you’ve got one hyphenated name you really should go for two or three, and then aim for an even dozen. Most of my friends laugh at me - I can hear them from my Bentley.”  Stephen Campbell-Moore plays the newly-created role of “Captain Chetwode” in the film.

“Frankly, once you’ve got one hyphenated name you really should go for two or three, and then aim for an even dozen. Most of my friends laugh at me - I can hear them from my Bentley.”
Stephen Campbell-Moore plays the newly-created role of “Captain Chetwode” in the film.

“A baseball cap, worn at an angle? Your taste in clothes is appalling. You should totally change your tailor, and get your new tailor to talk to your old tailor and tell them why.”  Imelda Staunton is still best known for playing the villainous (and pink-dressed) Dolores Umbridge in at least two Harry Potter films. She was prim and overly bureaucratic - precisely what one looks for in a principal - I’m not sure why the students didn’t embrace her.

“A baseball cap, worn at an angle? Your taste in clothes is appalling. You should totally change your tailor, and get your new tailor to talk to your old tailor and tell them why.”
Imelda Staunton is still best known for playing the villainous (and pink-dressed) Dolores Umbridge in at least two Harry Potter films. She was prim and overly bureaucratic - precisely what one looks for in a principal - I’m not sure why the students didn’t embrace her.

“I’m thinking of buying one of Stephen Campbell-Moore’s hyphenated names. I just have to wait til he admits he can’t repay me those losses from the on-set games of whist and baccarat…. “  Robert James-Collier plays the role of “Thomas Barrow” in the film…. and that suit jacket is a bit too garishly mid-20th century for my taste, if you want to know, and I assume you do.

“I’m thinking of buying one of Stephen Campbell-Moore’s hyphenated names. I just have to wait til he admits he can’t repay me those losses from the on-set games of whist and baccarat…. “
Robert James-Collier plays the role of “Thomas Barrow” in the film…. and that suit jacket is a bit too garishly mid-20th century for my taste, if you want to know, and I assume you do.

“Four plus six? Well… I’m not used to counting on my fingers - I usually use butlers. It’s one of the trappings of fame, and one of the last things I’d deny myself if things ever got tough…”  Sophie McShera plays Daisy Mason in the movie… and also in all 52 episodes of the show. It would help if I knew whether the character was an Earl or Duchess or Barones for that joke to work, I suppose.

“Four plus six? Well… I’m not used to counting on my fingers - I usually use butlers. It’s one of the trappings of fame, and one of the last things I’d deny myself if things ever got tough…”
Sophie McShera plays Daisy Mason in the movie… and also in all 52 episodes of the show. It would help if I knew whether the character was an Earl or Duchess or Barones for that joke to work, I suppose.

“Are those your holiday shots, or was I really misled as to what I’m wearing to this premiere??”  The commoners sure do love their mobile phone cameras. I can’t abide them, myself. I prefer to send things by telegram. It’s the only way to be sure you get at least a week between messages from people you don’t want to deal with.

“Are those your holiday shots, or was I really misled as to what I’m wearing to this premiere??”
The commoners sure do love their mobile phone cameras. I can’t abide them, myself. I prefer to send things by telegram. It’s the only way to be sure you get at least a week between messages from people you don’t want to deal with.

“No.. I didn’t shave. I was going for ‘Rakish’ and I hope I achieved that.. fine, my Butler has had the week off and I didn’t trust myself to touch anything sharper than a spoon. Please help me… I don’t know how to cut my food, either”  Hugh Bonneville plays the role of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham in the movie (and the show - all 52 episodes)

“No.. I didn’t shave. I was going for ‘Rakish’ and I hope I achieved that.. fine, my Butler has had the week off and I didn’t trust myself to touch anything sharper than a spoon. Please help me… I don’t know how to cut my food, either” Hugh Bonneville plays the role of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham in the movie (and the show - all 52 episodes)

“He holds that umbrella whether it rains or not. That way I never have to worry about whether his reaction times are fast enough if it ever suddenly starts to rain. It’s also why I never take off this tuxedo. One can never afford to look anything less than spectacular.”

“He holds that umbrella whether it rains or not. That way I never have to worry about whether his reaction times are fast enough if it ever suddenly starts to rain. It’s also why I never take off this tuxedo. One can never afford to look anything less than spectacular.”

“Your journal commentary is veering dangerously from cynical to uncouth. Watch yourself, young man”  That’s the second time today I’ve been judged and chastised, and I’m not enjoying it. Leslie Nicol plays th role of “Mrs Patmore” in the film and did so across all 52 episodes of the show.

“Your journal commentary is veering dangerously from cynical to uncouth. Watch yourself, young man”
That’s the second time today I’ve been judged and chastised, and I’m not enjoying it. Leslie Nicol plays th role of “Mrs Patmore” in the film and did so across all 52 episodes of the show.

“Okay, it’s not a calligraphy pen and I’m afraid I’m all out of wax to seal my signature with… I hope that’s okay with all of you?”  Sophie McShera was also in Disney’s Live Action Cinderella remake (2015)

“Okay, it’s not a calligraphy pen and I’m afraid I’m all out of wax to seal my signature with… I hope that’s okay with all of you?” Sophie McShera was also in Disney’s Live Action Cinderella remake (2015)

“No need to tell me I look good - polite replies to compliments really just slow me down”  Allen Leech is in this film and plays the role of “Tom Branson” (which he also did across 46 episodes of the show)

“No need to tell me I look good - polite replies to compliments really just slow me down” Allen Leech is in this film and plays the role of “Tom Branson” (which he also did across 46 episodes of the show)

“I said Stop Telling Me I Look Good - It Only Slows Me Down.”  Allen Leech and the Importance of Efficiency….. although to me efficiency speaks of 18th Century obsessions with productivity, and I won’t hear of it. Things that take time take time, and if ones Bentley needs to be hand-assembled for six months by trained artisans working slavishly for a tuppence and a rind of bread, then so be it. I’ll wait.

“I said Stop Telling Me I Look Good - It Only Slows Me Down.”
Allen Leech and the Importance of Efficiency….. although to me efficiency speaks of 18th Century obsessions with productivity, and I won’t hear of it. Things that take time take time, and if ones Bentley needs to be hand-assembled for six months by trained artisans working slavishly for a tuppence and a rind of bread, then so be it. I’ll wait.

“So.. I’ll see you all at the … thing ? The thing where they serve drinks? Tavern? Ale house? I forget what it’s called”.  I went to a pub once…they insist on televising live football games. What’s that all about?

“So.. I’ll see you all at the … thing ? The thing where they serve drinks? Tavern? Ale house? I forget what it’s called”. I went to a pub once…they insist on televising live football games. What’s that all about?

“I happen believe that there is no right way or wrong way to wear a bow tie. You either wear one and look fabulous or, like you, you do neither.”   Jim Carter plays the role of “Charles Carson” in the film (and 52 episodes of the show)

“I happen believe that there is no right way or wrong way to wear a bow tie. You either wear one and look fabulous or, like you, you do neither.”
Jim Carter plays the role of “Charles Carson” in the film (and 52 episodes of the show)

“That black and gold LA Cap, had you been wearing it, would have looked spiffing, young man. Make sure you wear it next time”.  Good point - it’s now autumn, and beanie weather will be upon us all too soon. If you’re from the working classes and care naught for style.

“That black and gold LA Cap, had you been wearing it, would have looked spiffing, young man. Make sure you wear it next time”. Good point - it’s now autumn, and beanie weather will be upon us all too soon. If you’re from the working classes and care naught for style.

A massively raucous squeal and cheer rises from the crowd as Dame Maggie Smith (aka “Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham”) rushes past fans and zips into the cinema, declining to be interviewed on stage, and using the crowd as cover and security as a buffer zone. This is one of three shots I took of her, and this was the second best. I punished my butler for the failure.

A massively raucous squeal and cheer rises from the crowd as Dame Maggie Smith (aka “Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham”) rushes past fans and zips into the cinema, declining to be interviewed on stage, and using the crowd as cover and security as a buffer zone. This is one of three shots I took of her, and this was the second best. I punished my butler for the failure.

“One instructed one’s security to lay down their lives to ensure I wasn’t touched by the commoners. Well… one should never have to say so as it’s clearly understood to be proper to do so. But one likes to be sure.”  Along with 52 episodes of the show, Dame Maggie Smith is arguably best known for playing Minerva McGonaggall in all the Harry Potter movies… and having one TWO Oscars. I suppose that’s nice, if one relies upon the acceptance of ones peers. But when one has none, those judgements seem somewhat worthless.

“One instructed one’s security to lay down their lives to ensure I wasn’t touched by the commoners. Well… one should never have to say so as it’s clearly understood to be proper to do so. But one likes to be sure.”
Along with 52 episodes of the show, Dame Maggie Smith is arguably best known for playing Minerva McGonaggall in all the Harry Potter movies… and having one TWO Oscars. I suppose that’s nice, if one relies upon the acceptance of ones peers. But when one has none, those judgements seem somewhat worthless.

“All my butlers are presently occupied, but I hereby authorise you to sign autographs on my behalf. Try not to abuse the power”  - Phyllis Logan plays the role of “Mrs Hughes’ in the film, having also done so across 52 episodes of the show.

“All my butlers are presently occupied, but I hereby authorise you to sign autographs on my behalf. Try not to abuse the power” - Phyllis Logan plays the role of “Mrs Hughes’ in the film, having also done so across 52 episodes of the show.

“Hello, people out there who couldn’t be bothered to attend this dapper and civilised affair…. though given the stature of those who are here I can’t really imagine you being any more common”  That’s most unfair. Just because my butler forgot to pack lemon for the earl grey I was drinking doesn’t mean we’re fit to be classed among the rest of the riff-raff in the pen.

“Hello, people out there who couldn’t be bothered to attend this dapper and civilised affair…. though given the stature of those who are here I can’t really imagine you being any more common”
That’s most unfair. Just because my butler forgot to pack lemon for the earl grey I was drinking doesn’t mean we’re fit to be classed among the rest of the riff-raff in the pen.

“Hello… are you another duo of street urchins wanting desperately to be adopted by a wealthy family, and while doing so having your third friend attempt to rob me while I’m distracted? Jacques, have them thrashed to within an inch of their lives for their insolence”  - arguably the biggest cheer of the premiere went to Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary Crawley in the movie (and 52 episodes of the show)

“Hello… are you another duo of street urchins wanting desperately to be adopted by a wealthy family, and while doing so having your third friend attempt to rob me while I’m distracted? Jacques, have them thrashed to within an inch of their lives for their insolence” - arguably the biggest cheer of the premiere went to Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary Crawley in the movie (and 52 episodes of the show)

“For the record I would never have my butler Jacques thrash street urchins to within an inch of their lives. He’s from Europe and they use the metric system there”

“For the record I would never have my butler Jacques thrash street urchins to within an inch of their lives. He’s from Europe and they use the metric system there”

“Those commoners look rather small from up here on the terrace” ”Not small enough if you ask me” ”I wasn’t, but the question was implied I suppose, and I agree with your answer”

“Those commoners look rather small from up here on the terrace”
”Not small enough if you ask me”
”I wasn’t, but the question was implied I suppose, and I agree with your answer”

“Is it still moving? Well, how do we get rid of it? Doesn’t anyone have a pack of hunting dogs and a mounted party at hand to deal with this?”  Elizabeth McGovern plays Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham in the film, and also 52 episodes of the show. My hunting dogs are currently holidaying in the Hebides - they deserve some time off.

“Is it still moving? Well, how do we get rid of it? Doesn’t anyone have a pack of hunting dogs and a mounted party at hand to deal with this?” Elizabeth McGovern plays Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham in the film, and also 52 episodes of the show. My hunting dogs are currently holidaying in the Hebides - they deserve some time off.

“It’s not the best likeness, but I suppose if you want me to sign abstract artworks I didn’t actually create, I’ll be party to whatever scheme it is you’re hatching…”

“It’s not the best likeness, but I suppose if you want me to sign abstract artworks I didn’t actually create, I’ll be party to whatever scheme it is you’re hatching…”

“Wait… that’s a CRIME? I had no idea. Please… feel free to punish my Butler for my transgression”  Clearly I have no idea how being a Butler works, but I do believe that form the movie “Remains of the Day” with Anthony Hopkins, a Bulter is one who “Buttles”, or as wikipedia puts it : “ buttle  ( third-person singular simple present    buttles  ,  present participle    buttling  ,  simple past and past participle    buttled  )

“Wait… that’s a CRIME? I had no idea. Please… feel free to punish my Butler for my transgression”
Clearly I have no idea how being a Butler works, but I do believe that form the movie “Remains of the Day” with Anthony Hopkins, a Bulter is one who “Buttles”, or as wikipedia puts it : “buttle (third-person singular simple present buttles, present participle buttling, simple past and past participle buttled)

“I’d rather not sign that if you don’t mind, and by “that” I mean “anything”. Tell your friends”  Laura Carmichael plays Lady Edith Crawley in the movie, and also is part of the hallowed group of cast who were in every one of the 52 episodes of the show.

“I’d rather not sign that if you don’t mind, and by “that” I mean “anything”. Tell your friends”
Laura Carmichael plays Lady Edith Crawley in the movie, and also is part of the hallowed group of cast who were in every one of the 52 episodes of the show.

“No, like I said, I’m not signing anything. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stand there and admire what you’ve brought for me to sign….”  Lest there be any misunderstanding, Laura Carmichael and indeed most of the cast seemed happy (or at least content) (or at least successfully restrained their murderous instincts) to sign for fans.

“No, like I said, I’m not signing anything. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stand there and admire what you’ve brought for me to sign….”
Lest there be any misunderstanding, Laura Carmichael and indeed most of the cast seemed happy (or at least content) (or at least successfully restrained their murderous instincts) to sign for fans.

“Do I have any advice for people wanting to be writers? Well… it helps if you stop thinking of reasons not to write…”  Julian Fellowes is the writer/creator of the show (and as well as being an Actor, he’s won an Oscar for best original screenplay, for Gosford Park (2001)). And his advice is good advice.

“Do I have any advice for people wanting to be writers? Well… it helps if you stop thinking of reasons not to write…” Julian Fellowes is the writer/creator of the show (and as well as being an Actor, he’s won an Oscar for best original screenplay, for Gosford Park (2001)). And his advice is good advice.

“Bye -thanks for coming! Hope your carriage ride back to your manor is efficiently managed!”  Erm… yeah. My train company did the nigh-impossible and actually managed a punctual train for once. By which I mean… my chauffeur driven limousine was as a motorised cloud upon which I travelled luxuriously.

“Bye -thanks for coming! Hope your carriage ride back to your manor is efficiently managed!”
Erm… yeah. My train company did the nigh-impossible and actually managed a punctual train for once. By which I mean… my chauffeur driven limousine was as a motorised cloud upon which I travelled luxuriously.

So… that was that. For this one, I really have to thank my understanding boss for allowing me a lot more free time just to acquire the wristband and get to this premiere on time.

By… erm… which I mean, obviously my servants did most of the work and I mostly oversaw that work. I did work once, years ago, and realised quickly that I didn’t care for it. Still.. whatever toil there was this evening, it means +1 to the archive, which is no bad thing.

Until my Butler tells me it’s next time!

“And you’re saying that’s LEGAL in France? HOW?”

“And you’re saying that’s LEGAL in France? HOW?”

So… that was that. For this one, I really have to thank my understanding boss for allowing me a lot more free time just to acquire the wristband and get to this premiere on time. By… erm… which I mean, obviously my servants did most of the work and I mostly oversaw that work. I did work once, and I didn’t care for it.

Until my Butler tells me it’s next time!

ps. if you or your butler, or any one of your servants, groomsmen, maitre d’s or governesses want to know when I upload one of these journals, why not entrust them with your estate’s wifi password so they can follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, or twitter at berndt2_photo.

5th September 2019 - The "Fanatical" "World" "Premiere" ("?")

September 5th, 2019.

I’ve only done one prior premiere at the Troxy Cinema in Limehouse, and that was earlier this year for “Once Upon A Time In London”. I found it tricky, to say the least : no outdoor Paparazzi, no dealers, 3+ directions of possible approach, two queues, and a movie starring nobody I could recognise. To say that I was totally out of my depth would be an understatement.

And yet here I was, again at the Troxy, for the premiere of a movie where even the mighty imdb.com has half the cast as grey ‘unknown’ silhouettes. INCLUDING the director. And just to make it slightly more challenging : I decided I’d only use my mobile phone.

With apologies to everyone for not burying this one much deeper down than this if you’re reading it, here’s how it went down:

Welcome to Limehouse, London. Where even the CCTV cameras are Punk. Also, just for once I’m going to preserve the glorious 1.33 : 1 ratio of my phone’s default crop…. rather than re-crop into my preferred black-bar simulated 1.6 : 1 ratio “wide-ish-screen”.

Welcome to Limehouse, London. Where even the CCTV cameras are Punk. Also, just for once I’m going to preserve the glorious 1.33 : 1 ratio of my phone’s default crop…. rather than re-crop into my preferred black-bar simulated 1.6 : 1 ratio “wide-ish-screen”.

The sign to the Troxy is right there outside the train station! (And it’s in a 1930s font that it’s almost impossible to read unless you’re, like, really really old!)

The sign to the Troxy is right there outside the train station! (And it’s in a 1930s font that it’s almost impossible to read unless you’re, like, really really old!)

“No gum in the venue? Fine, I’ll just get my nicotine by smoking inside, then…”

“No gum in the venue? Fine, I’ll just get my nicotine by smoking inside, then…”

Oh, it’s a real premiere alright. I can tell because they don’t want me getting too close.

Oh, it’s a real premiere alright. I can tell because they don’t want me getting too close.

“Make us look famous!” ”I have no idea who you are, and also I’m busy taking a horizontal photo of MYSELF.”

“Make us look famous!”
”I have no idea who you are, and also I’m busy taking a horizontal photo of MYSELF.”

A view of the VIP/Guest queue for the event…. and it’s only now, about a 24 hours later, that I realise that (surely) the stars of the film aren’t going to just stand in line to get into their own premiere. But the OTHER queue is for ticketholders…and they’re not likely to queue there either.

A view of the VIP/Guest queue for the event…. and it’s only now, about a 24 hours later, that I realise that (surely) the stars of the film aren’t going to just stand in line to get into their own premiere. But the OTHER queue is for ticketholders…and they’re not likely to queue there either.

The queue for ticketholders is much more intimidating,to the point where I think security might not even check whether these people actually  have  tickets. Also that man’s beard is amazing.

The queue for ticketholders is much more intimidating,to the point where I think security might not even check whether these people actually have tickets. Also that man’s beard is amazing.

“I notice you’ve got security staff, but no sniffer dogs. Mr Snuffles here can totally do that if you want. I love beer…. I mean…. he loves beer. He would accept that in payment…”

“I notice you’ve got security staff, but no sniffer dogs. Mr Snuffles here can totally do that if you want. I love beer…. I mean…. he loves beer. He would accept that in payment…”

The queue of VIPs has grown. But who is famous, and who is merely important? (and who here is merely somewhat important and getting ideas above their station?)

The queue of VIPs has grown. But who is famous, and who is merely important? (and who here is merely somewhat important and getting ideas above their station?)

Surely “Man With Tattoos And Hat” is famous? (according to wireimage? No. But the lady in the light blue mini-trenchcoat and nuclear green shoes is “Darylle Sargeant”)

Surely “Man With Tattoos And Hat” is famous?
(according to wireimage? No. But the lady in the light blue mini-trenchcoat and nuclear green shoes is “Darylle Sargeant”)

“Okay…Mom. If it’ll get you into this gig, you can totally say you’re my parents.”  Wireimage informs me that this is Kevin Davy White.

“Okay…Mom. If it’ll get you into this gig, you can totally say you’re my parents.”
Wireimage informs me that this is Kevin Davy White.

One uniquely frustrating element of this premiere (besides not knowing who anyone is, why they’re famous, where they’re from, or broadly what I’m doing here) - the position of the sun meant that every photo in one direction bathed everyone in an ugly shade of yellow … and in the OTHER direction…. well…. this.

One uniquely frustrating element of this premiere (besides not knowing who anyone is, why they’re famous, where they’re from, or broadly what I’m doing here) - the position of the sun meant that every photo in one direction bathed everyone in an ugly shade of yellow … and in the OTHER direction…. well…. this.

“Babes, I left home hours ago and I’m just in traffic at the moment. Hold on, I’m just going through a tunnel….” ”That would be easier to believe if I wasn’t walking right behind you Babes”  Per wireimage, the lady in front is Sofia Felipe… sadly wireimage elaborates no further.

“Babes, I left home hours ago and I’m just in traffic at the moment. Hold on, I’m just going through a tunnel….”
”That would be easier to believe if I wasn’t walking right behind you Babes”

Per wireimage, the lady in front is Sofia Felipe… sadly wireimage elaborates no further.

“Me? Just standing here waiting for a bus. The problem is none of you bother to dress up for the little things… that’s why your lives are so boring. My life is an adventure no matter what I do!”  Technically I was photographing the man with the white scarf in the background…but I think I like the philosophy of the man in the foreground even more.

“Me? Just standing here waiting for a bus. The problem is none of you bother to dress up for the little things… that’s why your lives are so boring. My life is an adventure no matter what I do!”
Technically I was photographing the man with the white scarf in the background…but I think I like the philosophy of the man in the foreground even more.

I refuse to believe in the wireimage-ordained lack of fame of this man, so I’m doubling down by putting him in this journal twice. Failing that, though, nice lens flare on the Huawei.

I refuse to believe in the wireimage-ordained lack of fame of this man, so I’m doubling down by putting him in this journal twice. Failing that, though, nice lens flare on the Huawei.

If you think I’m a guy who just takes photos of lightly dressed women walking down the street, I just want to say: Wireimage confirms she’s famous, she’s Talulah Eve, so it’s okay.

If you think I’m a guy who just takes photos of lightly dressed women walking down the street, I just want to say: Wireimage confirms she’s famous, she’s Talulah Eve, so it’s okay.

Sadly for (my) allegations of (my) competence in spotting “famous” people, it’s not the distinguished looking gentleman in the background who’s on wireimage but the….erm…lady in the foreground, who I’m informed is Melissa Howe. The origin of her fame : currently unknown.

Sadly for (my) allegations of (my) competence in spotting “famous” people, it’s not the distinguished looking gentleman in the background who’s on wireimage but the….erm…lady in the foreground, who I’m informed is Melissa Howe. The origin of her fame : currently unknown.

“Is this how the little people of London amuse themselves on a Thursday evening?” ”Apparently so….” ”Well, onwards to the baccarat tournament, Jacques…”

“Is this how the little people of London amuse themselves on a Thursday evening?”
”Apparently so….”
”Well, onwards to the baccarat tournament, Jacques…”

“You came all this way to photograph Little Old Us?”  Well, the Craft Beer place near the station serves Mango Cider on tap, but yeah, sure. Totally because of you.

“You came all this way to photograph Little Old Us?” Well, the Craft Beer place near the station serves Mango Cider on tap, but yeah, sure. Totally because of you.

I feel like my phone sporadically chooses to paint photo with neon crayon for some reason. I kind of like it, but I also feel like I have little/nothing to do with it. Also: that graffiti’d phone box on the left is impinging on my photography like that    blurry dude with the ‘Boss’ T-shirt at this week’s GQ Awards.

I feel like my phone sporadically chooses to paint photo with neon crayon for some reason. I kind of like it, but I also feel like I have little/nothing to do with it. Also: that graffiti’d phone box on the left is impinging on my photography like that blurry dude with the ‘Boss’ T-shirt at this week’s GQ Awards.

The best part about destroying two outfits, one black and one white, and making a new one is that if you think about it… you can make a SECOND new one! You  can do it by using all the parts you didn’t use when making the FIRST new one….

The best part about destroying two outfits, one black and one white, and making a new one is that if you think about it… you can make a SECOND new one! You can do it by using all the parts you didn’t use when making the FIRST new one….

“I’m not turning left just to admire some dude’s hairstyle. Not unless it’s something frikkin’ amazing…”

“I’m not turning left just to admire some dude’s hairstyle. Not unless it’s something frikkin’ amazing…”

Oh, look !It’s…. it’s…. it’s… .erm…. help me, Wireimage!! (it’s Jodie Weston!) (thank you Wireimage!) (also : who is Jodie Weston?)

Oh, look !It’s…. it’s…. it’s… .erm…. help me, Wireimage!! (it’s Jodie Weston!) (thank you Wireimage!) (also : who is Jodie Weston?)

Again, I just want to reassure you, loyal reader, that I’m not just posting photos of random people onto the internet. No… I’m TAKING PHOTOS of random people, and only posting them on the internet when I find out they’re famous… or “famous”, as the case may be. (edited to add : per wireimage, the lady on the left is Alicia Oates) (obviously I don’t know who that is)

Again, I just want to reassure you, loyal reader, that I’m not just posting photos of random people onto the internet. No… I’m TAKING PHOTOS of random people, and only posting them on the internet when I find out they’re famous… or “famous”, as the case may be. (edited to add : per wireimage, the lady on the left is Alicia Oates) (obviously I don’t know who that is)

“They said ‘   dress formal’    but they didn’t say from which century in the future!!“

“They said ‘dress formal’ but they didn’t say from which century in the future!!“

“Well, YEAH it’s a bear trap. And… NO, I’m not disabling it. That’s what it’s THERE for!”

“Well, YEAH it’s a bear trap. And… NO, I’m not disabling it. That’s what it’s THERE for!”

I think it’s disgusting how graffiti-riddled that phonebooth on the left is, and I hope nothing else in this photo detracts from my dismay at the antisocial behaviour of those who deface public utilities like that.

I think it’s disgusting how graffiti-riddled that phonebooth on the left is, and I hope nothing else in this photo detracts from my dismay at the antisocial behaviour of those who deface public utilities like that.

I am not unaware that as at this point I have been unable to verify anybody I’ve photographed is involved in the production of, let alone actually IN the movie. So this is a throw of the dice : because there’s at least three people on wireimage that got photographed wearing a jacket and shirt with no tie, and at least one of them is bald. So…. if I’m lucky…. 1, 2 or 3 of these guys are in the movie. (And I’m not going to check, because I don’t want it to be zero)

I am not unaware that as at this point I have been unable to verify anybody I’ve photographed is involved in the production of, let alone actually IN the movie. So this is a throw of the dice : because there’s at least three people on wireimage that got photographed wearing a jacket and shirt with no tie, and at least one of them is bald. So…. if I’m lucky…. 1, 2 or 3 of these guys are in the movie. (And I’m not going to check, because I don’t want it to be zero)

Because it’s a Troxy Premiere, baby.

Because it’s a Troxy Premiere, baby.

So… did I really just photograph a premiere (no… a WORLD PREMIERE) without capturing a single person in the movie? Well… erm… yeah. It would seem so. In my (partial) defence, according to imdb, the movie has eight (8) credited stars, and five (5) of them have grey silhouettes as their profile picture, and overall only four (4) showed up.

Also, I think anecdotally they were inside the cinema at the time the doors opened (and I/we were there close to half an hour before that).

But… erm…. yeah. Probably one of those premieres I’m glad I can hide in a near-600 entry Archive where it’s unlikely to be found!

.. until next time!!

On the off-chance you’re interested in whether I continue to follow the path of noble humiliation over competence, feel free to follow me on facebook, or twitter, or perhaps see if I’m ever around the Troxy, looking for that second rematch I’m itching for to claw back some credibility!

Notes : this was a tough one, at least in part because of the mobile phone. Not necessarily because the phone wasn’t good (though it was highly erratic) - no, because I wasn’t anonymous at this premiere, which is what I’m used to. Behind a “full sized” camera, I feel pretty invisible, and also I think if you shoot with a larger camera, people (even the people you’re photographing) feel like “oh, you’re taking photos” with some level of importance.

But taking a photo of strangers with a mobile phone feels weird, possibly even more invasive than with a DSLR. Mobiles are used to take photos of meals, and the foam hearts on coffee, and dogs, and ‘unimportant’ everyday things. Standing on a roadside, using a mobile phone to shoot passersby? That seems intrusive and weird, and harder to justify.

I’m not sure I liked it…. but it might have been worth it to find out that I didn’t like it.

This man smiled and posed at my mobile phone! I don’t know who he is, but thank you, Sir!!

This man smiled and posed at my mobile phone! I don’t know who he is, but thank you, Sir!!

27th August - The 'Killers Anonymous' Premiere

August 27th, 2019.

Obviously, coming off yesterday where I was able to photograph no just one but SIX Frightfest Premieres, today was all set to be a quiet, boring day of just ONE PREMIERE. But it was at a cinema I’d never been to before, in a part of London I’d also never been before : North of Kings Cross station, at the Everyman Cinema.

And it was for a movie starring Jessica Alba!! And Gary Oldman!!

Here’s how it went down:

I don’t want to imply so soon in this journal that the likelihood of this premiere being attended by all (or ANY) of Gary Oldman, Jessica Alba, Suki Waterhouse and (say) MyAnna Buring is slim to nil….but the crop of this premiere’s announcement board might give a clue.

I don’t want to imply so soon in this journal that the likelihood of this premiere being attended by all (or ANY) of Gary Oldman, Jessica Alba, Suki Waterhouse and (say) MyAnna Buring is slim to nil….but the crop of this premiere’s announcement board might give a clue.

“Look… I can either make it “KILLRS” or spell “Premiere” correctly… it’s your choice”

“Look… I can either make it “KILLRS” or spell “Premiere” correctly… it’s your choice”

“Looks like the F_MALE toilets are going to appear kinda man-hating for a little while…”

“Looks like the F_MALE toilets are going to appear kinda man-hating for a little while…”

One rather unique thing about this premiere : it was (a) indoors, and (b) we were actually NOT asked to leave. This, along with a total lack of Autograph Dealers, suggested that excitement might be elsewhere. Still… bold interior architecture, and actress Elizabeth Morris (who is in this movie) - what’s not to like?

One rather unique thing about this premiere : it was (a) indoors, and (b) we were actually NOT asked to leave. This, along with a total lack of Autograph Dealers, suggested that excitement might be elsewhere. Still… bold interior architecture, and actress Elizabeth Morris (who is in this movie) - what’s not to like?

“Who needs a red carpet? Look at me : I’m exactly where I’m meant to be RIGHT NOW”  My place is possibly the pizza place over yonder, or launching an investigation into what exactly is going on at the office building entrance on the left…

“Who needs a red carpet? Look at me : I’m exactly where I’m meant to be RIGHT NOW”
My place is possibly the pizza place over yonder, or launching an investigation into what exactly is going on at the office building entrance on the left…

I return to my not-at-all-creepy(-your-honour) spot next to the giant concrete pylon. I believe this woman had a part in Transformers : Age of Extinction, so I believe a safe distance is warranted.

I return to my not-at-all-creepy(-your-honour) spot next to the giant concrete pylon. I believe this woman had a part in Transformers : Age of Extinction, so I believe a safe distance is warranted.

This photo affords a better view of the layout. The entrance to the Everyman Cinema is on the right, just past the rippled concrete ‘curtain’ and up some stairs, and to the left behind me is a gym/cafe. And then we have The Enigmatic “R7” on the left, behind security gates. What goes on there nobody knows… but it’s gotta be pretty dire, no? Evil Corporations would totally call themselves “R7” and set up near a pizza place and gym. It’s perfect for those late night evil board meetings. Also, there’s a premiere going on…. assuming that’s not just cover for something else.

This photo affords a better view of the layout. The entrance to the Everyman Cinema is on the right, just past the rippled concrete ‘curtain’ and up some stairs, and to the left behind me is a gym/cafe. And then we have The Enigmatic “R7” on the left, behind security gates. What goes on there nobody knows… but it’s gotta be pretty dire, no? Evil Corporations would totally call themselves “R7” and set up near a pizza place and gym. It’s perfect for those late night evil board meetings. Also, there’s a premiere going on…. assuming that’s not just cover for something else.

“Sure I’m pretty, but my Social Influencer status is mainly due to my handbag. Please make sure that it’s in focus”

“Sure I’m pretty, but my Social Influencer status is mainly due to my handbag. Please make sure that it’s in focus”

“He’s pretty cute. You should ask him out. Also… how cool is it that this place has shrubbery we can admire a guy through? Anywhere else and we would’ve needed to artlessly look over the top of our mobile phones”  - Elizabeth Morris, Centre, as stated, is in this movie.

“He’s pretty cute. You should ask him out. Also… how cool is it that this place has shrubbery we can admire a guy through? Anywhere else and we would’ve needed to artlessly look over the top of our mobile phones”
- Elizabeth Morris, Centre, as stated, is in this movie.

“Red Carpet Yoga!! All Right!!”

“Red Carpet Yoga!! All Right!!”

“Some of those poses were highly advanced, and they form the centrepiece of a book I’m publishing, so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t leak them to the public” Me : ”…..” ”Oh, who am I kidding. Nobody reads books anymore - just share and give me all the sweet exposure that your blog provides” Me : “…..”

“Some of those poses were highly advanced, and they form the centrepiece of a book I’m publishing, so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t leak them to the public”
Me : ”…..”
”Oh, who am I kidding. Nobody reads books anymore - just share and give me all the sweet exposure that your blog provides”
Me : “…..”

“So then I got to speaking with Leo about saving the Amazonian Polar Bears… you know”  Elizabeth Morris looks unconvinced. She’s also a writer, with the movie “Attack of the Were-Shark!”, penned by her, and currently in preproduction, per imdb.com). And suddenly I wish I’d used my opportunity when    photographing Leo    to talk about saving the Amazonian Polar Bear…

“So then I got to speaking with Leo about saving the Amazonian Polar Bears… you know” Elizabeth Morris looks unconvinced. She’s also a writer, with the movie “Attack of the Were-Shark!”, penned by her, and currently in preproduction, per imdb.com). And suddenly I wish I’d used my opportunity when photographing Leo to talk about saving the Amazonian Polar Bear…

“You know from up here, all those people look like tiny…. tiny…” ”Tiny Ants?” ”I was going to say “Tiny People”. What have YOU been drinking?”

“You know from up here, all those people look like tiny…. tiny…”
”Tiny Ants?”
”I was going to say “Tiny People”. What have YOU been drinking?”

“Can you make me famous?”  Sadly my journals get about as much views as any website not based on the activities of cats, or taking new items out of boxes…. while doing nothing to market it or optimise itself so it can be stumbled upon by someone not merely drunkenly mistyping words into a browser. But for what it’s worth, this website hereby declares your trousers are “Fetching”, madam. You can quote us.

“Can you make me famous?”
Sadly my journals get about as much views as any website not based on the activities of cats, or taking new items out of boxes…. while doing nothing to market it or optimise itself so it can be stumbled upon by someone not merely drunkenly mistyping words into a browser. But for what it’s worth, this website hereby declares your trousers are “Fetching”, madam. You can quote us.

“They say you shouldn’t attempt this within 48 hours of having it dry-cleaned, but do I look like the kind of person who reads those kinds of clothing labels?”  - I don’t know who she is (or who he is, actually, but I admire the sartorial flair…

“They say you shouldn’t attempt this within 48 hours of having it dry-cleaned, but do I look like the kind of person who reads those kinds of clothing labels?”
- I don’t know who she is (or who he is, actually, but I admire the sartorial flair…

“Don’t kid yourself… the only reason I want this photo taken is so I have photographic evidence of how ridiculous his trousers look when we have an argument about it later….”

“Don’t kid yourself… the only reason I want this photo taken is so I have photographic evidence of how ridiculous his trousers look when we have an argument about it later….”

“Can’t talk. Tweeting. Just tell me if I’m about to walk into a truck or canal or soukh or something…”

“Can’t talk. Tweeting. Just tell me if I’m about to walk into a truck or canal or soukh or something…”

“What was it like working with Gary? Buddy, I’m one of the writers… why don’t you ask Gary what it was like WORKING WITH ME??”.

“What was it like working with Gary? Buddy, I’m one of the writers… why don’t you ask Gary what it was like WORKING WITH ME??”.

“Later this evening you’ll be looking back at this photo wondering how you missed that this carpet had a step… and then realise it never had one. It’s because R7, baby…. Oh, crap, I’ve already said too much”  It’s not so much the R7 building that I’m interested in, it’s the several floors occupied by something called “Deep Mind” that I’m intrigued by / suspicious of / terrified to be near.

“Later this evening you’ll be looking back at this photo wondering how you missed that this carpet had a step… and then realise it never had one. It’s because R7, baby…. Oh, crap, I’ve already said too much”
It’s not so much the R7 building that I’m interested in, it’s the several floors occupied by something called “Deep Mind” that I’m intrigued by / suspicious of / terrified to be near.

“And these people are all here to photograph ME?” ”Well, that depends on what you mean by “these” and “people”… and possibly “here” “  I’m still excited by the interior rainforest plants - there’s more up the stairs behind me, where I’ve left the bag containing the Big Nikon - which I haven’t taken out because it might seem intrusive at this event.

“And these people are all here to photograph ME?”
”Well, that depends on what you mean by “these” and “people”… and possibly “here” “

I’m still excited by the interior rainforest plants - there’s more up the stairs behind me, where I’ve left the bag containing the Big Nikon - which I haven’t taken out because it might seem intrusive at this event.

Shit… Deep Mind has already occupied nine non-consecutive floors of this building. And I hear** that what they’re doing with chimps on floor six is the kind of thing that even North Korea would think twice about.  ** imagine / fear.

Shit… Deep Mind has already occupied nine non-consecutive floors of this building. And I hear** that what they’re doing with chimps on floor six is the kind of thing that even North Korea would think twice about.
** imagine / fear.

“Hi, I’m John. And I had been about to take my Uncle and his…. erm… family to my… uh.. offices on Floor Seven of Deep Mind. But now that you’ve photographed us, we might need to come back another time… with more guns and gasmasks and an Arnie unit from the future.. Also forget I said any of that. I get nervous when I’m on camera”  - I hear** they have tanks and robot drones up there. Piloted by chimps, probably. ** imagine / fear.

“Hi, I’m John. And I had been about to take my Uncle and his…. erm… family to my… uh.. offices on Floor Seven of Deep Mind. But now that you’ve photographed us, we might need to come back another time… with more guns and gasmasks and an Arnie unit from the future.. Also forget I said any of that. I get nervous when I’m on camera” - I hear** they have tanks and robot drones up there. Piloted by chimps, probably.
** imagine / fear.

“This guy… I LOVE this guy!” ”You’ve totally forgotten my name, haven’t you?” ”…. I’m going to go bold and say “Casper”….?”  In my experience, never guess “John” or something basic, because if you’re wrong, people will know you’ve guessed. But nobody ever gets insulted if you’ve mistaken them for a “Casper”

“This guy… I LOVE this guy!”
”You’ve totally forgotten my name, haven’t you?”
”…. I’m going to go bold and say “Casper”….?”
In my experience, never guess “John” or something basic, because if you’re wrong, people will know you’ve guessed. But nobody ever gets insulted if you’ve mistaken them for a “Casper”

“Hey… how you doin….?” ”Not bad. Just enjoying watching you with amusement while you fiddle with your equipment” ”Is that a euphemism?” ”Depends how much you love that camera…”  For from being a relative unknown, Tommy Flanagan has played such characters as Mark (Aliens vs Predator), Cicero (Gladiator), Morrison (Braveheart) and Brian (Sin City).

“Hey… how you doin….?”
”Not bad. Just enjoying watching you with amusement while you fiddle with your equipment”
”Is that a euphemism?”
”Depends how much you love that camera…”

For from being a relative unknown, Tommy Flanagan has played such characters as Mark (Aliens vs Predator), Cicero (Gladiator), Morrison (Braveheart) and Brian (Sin City).

“So what was it like working with Gary?” ”Didn’t like me calling him Gary” ”Why not?” ”Because her name was Elizabeth, probably…”

“So what was it like working with Gary?”
”Didn’t like me calling him Gary”
”Why not?”
”Because her name was Elizabeth, probably…”

“So what was it like… uh….?” ”Martin was a complete nightmare and I want him to see this video and think about what I’m saying” ”But…. aren’t you Martin?” ”Yeah, but I am answering in my capacity as an actor…”  Martin Owen is both Director of and Actor in this movie.

“So what was it like… uh….?”
”Martin was a complete nightmare and I want him to see this video and think about what I’m saying”
”But…. aren’t you Martin?”
”Yeah, but I am answering in my capacity as an actor…”

Martin Owen is both Director of and Actor in this movie.

“What are we doing? We’re distracting you while the rest of our gang hits up the Deep Mind research labs. We hear they got stuff up there that made the Geneva Convention CRY. Now photograph the handbag!!”

“What are we doing? We’re distracting you while the rest of our gang hits up the Deep Mind research labs. We hear they got stuff up there that made the Geneva Convention CRY. Now photograph the handbag!!”

So that was (apparently) that. I left before I could be implicated in anything that went down at Deep Mind, and if anyone asks: I didnt hear nuffin’, I didn’t see nuffin’ and I don’t want to KNOW nuffin’ **

Until next time!

ps. if you ever want to know when I post one of these journals, feel free to follow me on facebook or twitter. (or just peruse the archive… if ya want)

** I totally do. If you know anything, please send me a secure communique and tell me EVERYTHING. If they’re, like, a shipping company or actuarial firm… don’t bother. (Unless they’re an EVIL shipping company or EVIL actuarial firm)