11 April - The 'RAMPAGE' European Premiere

April 11th, 2018

For the last premiere currently 'on the books' as scheduled in London, and the fourth event in the past six days (after 'A Quiet Place', the 2018 Olivier Awards and Monday's 'The Guernsey Literary and.... etc' World Premiere) it was a pretty sizeable affair. However, I was fairly lucky to obtain a #9 wristband for the public pen of my choice - the one closest to the stage.

However, in the two hours from the pen loading to the premiere started, I was subjected to a deliberate invasion of space the likes of which is only possible in an environment where there are no consequences for assholish behaviour, and no avenue for public complaint. But hey, if you want to leave the EU so you can get control of your culture back two or three generations too late for it to make any difference, feel free to wallow in the pyrrhic victory

Here's how it went down.

 "RAMPAGE" - it's the movie that on the face of it represents a likely Autograph Dealer biopic, complete with giant apes, hideous reptiles and some kind of toothed wolf-like creature. Dwayne Johnson does battle with them, but I fear even the heavy firepower he brings might not be sufficient.

"RAMPAGE" - it's the movie that on the face of it represents a likely Autograph Dealer biopic, complete with giant apes, hideous reptiles and some kind of toothed wolf-like creature. Dwayne Johnson does battle with them, but I fear even the heavy firepower he brings might not be sufficient.

  "Help me, photo of Dwayne Johnson's right bicep. You're my only hope"

"Help me, photo of Dwayne Johnson's right bicep. You're my only hope"

  "Yo, wassup peeps?!"  - our host for this evening was not the venerable Alex Zane or capable Edith Bowman... but rather a newer younger model of presenter, dressed as formally as his generation is capable of at a European Premiere : a t-shirt, suit jacket and sneakers (no socks).

"Yo, wassup peeps?!" - our host for this evening was not the venerable Alex Zane or capable Edith Bowman... but rather a newer younger model of presenter, dressed as formally as his generation is capable of at a European Premiere : a t-shirt, suit jacket and sneakers (no socks).

 Our host appears to have eschewed formal footwear in preference to handwritten scrawls on insteps and some kind of luggage tag at the top of shoelaces. Still, I'm sure he has a journalism degree or twitter account (delete whichever applicable) to justify his role here.

Our host appears to have eschewed formal footwear in preference to handwritten scrawls on insteps and some kind of luggage tag at the top of shoelaces. Still, I'm sure he has a journalism degree or twitter account (delete whichever applicable) to justify his role here.

  "We've got to make sure every one of these rivets is perfectly flush - you know how Dwayne Johnson gets when rivets are non-flush" . Spared no expense.

"We've got to make sure every one of these rivets is perfectly flush - you know how Dwayne Johnson gets when rivets are non-flush". Spared no expense.

 My spot in the pen has gone from " on the front row " to "  I have one hand held on the barrier while no part of the rest of my body is in contact with the front-row barrier  " for reasons I will whine about in a few photos time. Meanwhile, I'm assured that this is Lauren Pope.

My spot in the pen has gone from "on the front row" to "I have one hand held on the barrier while no part of the rest of my body is in contact with the front-row barrier" for reasons I will whine about in a few photos time. Meanwhile, I'm assured that this is Lauren Pope.

 Breanne Hill, despite not being indentified on the wireimage library for this event (nor part of the assembled cast photo) is actually in this movie.... as well as the last Dwayne Johnson movie to get a    London premiere : "San Andreas"

Breanne Hill, despite not being indentified on the wireimage library for this event (nor part of the assembled cast photo) is actually in this movie.... as well as the last Dwayne Johnson movie to get a London premiere : "San Andreas"

 Breanne Hill and I appear to have made a connection, which is great because without contorting myself this is the only direction I can comfortably photograph.

Breanne Hill and I appear to have made a connection, which is great because without contorting myself this is the only direction I can comfortably photograph.

  "What was it like working with Dwayne Johnson? Oh, it was fantastic, and I don't even care if he's not in earshot to hear me say that.... I'll repeat it to anyone and everyone who asks"

"What was it like working with Dwayne Johnson? Oh, it was fantastic, and I don't even care if he's not in earshot to hear me say that.... I'll repeat it to anyone and everyone who asks"

  "Secret Journal Entry. Note to self : Breanne Hill appears to like Dwayne Johnson as much as I do and I must do something about it. Second note to self : peripheral vision shows man with mobile phone taking photos of the stage. Must not allow him to photograph my secret journal"

"Secret Journal Entry. Note to self : Breanne Hill appears to like Dwayne Johnson as much as I do and I must do something about it. Second note to self : peripheral vision shows man with mobile phone taking photos of the stage. Must not allow him to photograph my secret journal"

 Time for some whinin' so feel free to skip this:  the lady behind Charlie Chaplin spent two hours in the buildup of this premiere slowly edging and angling herself from the second row into the first row, slowly but surely chatting him up while pushing Charlie Chaplin across into MY spot where I was forced into losing first a fully front-facing spot, then forced into a diagonal-facing position, then to the point where I only had a hand-hold on the barrier. When the woman, first with a handhold, then angled view and then a FULL FRONT ROW SPOT then turned to Charlie Chaplin to ask whether he'd be okay moving to the side for her daughter when the time came to get autographs, I'd had enough and turned to both of them and called them out on their rudeness : her space had been created by Charlie Chaplin, but he hadn't given up his space : he'd taken MY space. They both looked at me like I was the asshole here. No... I was just the asshole who'd let two BIGGER assholes get away with pushing me out of my spot. The lesson is clear : don't give even milimetres, let alone inches, to selfish pricks who come late to premieres and have a sense of entitlement.

Time for some whinin' so feel free to skip this: the lady behind Charlie Chaplin spent two hours in the buildup of this premiere slowly edging and angling herself from the second row into the first row, slowly but surely chatting him up while pushing Charlie Chaplin across into MY spot where I was forced into losing first a fully front-facing spot, then forced into a diagonal-facing position, then to the point where I only had a hand-hold on the barrier. When the woman, first with a handhold, then angled view and then a FULL FRONT ROW SPOT then turned to Charlie Chaplin to ask whether he'd be okay moving to the side for her daughter when the time came to get autographs, I'd had enough and turned to both of them and called them out on their rudeness : her space had been created by Charlie Chaplin, but he hadn't given up his space : he'd taken MY space. They both looked at me like I was the asshole here. No... I was just the asshole who'd let two BIGGER assholes get away with pushing me out of my spot. The lesson is clear : don't give even milimetres, let alone inches, to selfish pricks who come late to premieres and have a sense of entitlement.

 But in good news for my fragile psyche : I appear to have photographed the hallucination I thought I had.

But in good news for my fragile psyche : I appear to have photographed the hallucination I thought I had.

 Malin Akerman's cheery smile almost - almost - makes me forget momentarily that I'm standing next to some a55holes. The pattern on the dress makes me think that maybe there's also an element of hypnotism involved.

Malin Akerman's cheery smile almost - almost - makes me forget momentarily that I'm standing next to some a55holes. The pattern on the dress makes me think that maybe there's also an element of hypnotism involved.

 I've photographed Malin Akerman once before, at    the world premiere of "Watchmen"    back in 2009. That movie was probably the last thing Zack Snyder directed that I didn't either walk out of (   Man of Steel   ); get drunk before and during watching (   Batman v Superman   ); or disregarding entirely (  Justice League  ). Watchmen is pretty great, though.

I've photographed Malin Akerman once before, at the world premiere of "Watchmen" back in 2009. That movie was probably the last thing Zack Snyder directed that I didn't either walk out of (Man of Steel); get drunk before and during watching (Batman v Superman); or disregarding entirely (Justice League). Watchmen is pretty great, though.

  "While that guy over there waxes lyrical about a movie released almost a decade ago, let me tell you what it was like working with Dwayne Johnson...."

"While that guy over there waxes lyrical about a movie released almost a decade ago, let me tell you what it was like working with Dwayne Johnson...."

 The Pink Bow on Noamie Harris' dress looks like it belongs to another dress entirely. But perhaps the bow consumed that dress, and in searching for a new host found one in what Noamie Harris was wearing.

The Pink Bow on Noamie Harris' dress looks like it belongs to another dress entirely. But perhaps the bow consumed that dress, and in searching for a new host found one in what Noamie Harris was wearing.

 Noamie Harris, meanwhile is best known for being Moneypenny in the Daniel Craig-era James Bond films - including    Skyfall    and    Spectre   .

Noamie Harris, meanwhile is best known for being Moneypenny in the Daniel Craig-era James Bond films - including Skyfall and Spectre.

 Wait.. did I forget to mention that the threat of the pink bow on Naomie Harris' dress is at least as terrifying as the blue trousers it's joined forces with? Because that's a thing. And as you can tell by my beanie collection if you know me, ... I know fashion.

Wait.. did I forget to mention that the threat of the pink bow on Naomie Harris' dress is at least as terrifying as the blue trousers it's joined forces with? Because that's a thing. And as you can tell by my beanie collection if you know me, ... I know fashion.

  "The bow and trousers are both heavily sedated and will be put into separate wardrobes when the night is over. I promise. And I'll also have a word with the designer who put the two together" . I assume those words will be  "Mission Accomplished"

"The bow and trousers are both heavily sedated and will be put into separate wardrobes when the night is over. I promise. And I'll also have a word with the designer who put the two together". I assume those words will be "Mission Accomplished"

 It's Dwayne Johnson! The crowd's cheers for him were by far the loudest, though the still-signing Jeffrey Dean Morgan certainly won many hearts. Or so my cold, Charlie Chaplin and From-Somewhere-On-The-Subcontinent-hating, Heart assumes, unable to feel much beyond burning hatred.

It's Dwayne Johnson! The crowd's cheers for him were by far the loudest, though the still-signing Jeffrey Dean Morgan certainly won many hearts. Or so my cold, Charlie Chaplin and From-Somewhere-On-The-Subcontinent-hating, Heart assumes, unable to feel much beyond burning hatred.

 Dwayne Johnson's look of cool calmness distracts me from whatever screed of hatred I was thinking of composing....   something about Naomie Harris' dress, I think?

Dwayne Johnson's look of cool calmness distracts me from whatever screed of hatred I was thinking of composing....  something about Naomie Harris' dress, I think?

  "He's going to stand here for another few minutes so as to inspire you all to do more with your inadequate lives.... and also give our sculptor a chance to carve his likeness into a statue that will inspire generations to come....." . I like Dwayne Johnson, and last photographed him in the also-   Brad-Peyton directed "San Andreas"

"He's going to stand here for another few minutes so as to inspire you all to do more with your inadequate lives.... and also give our sculptor a chance to carve his likeness into a statue that will inspire generations to come.....". I like Dwayne Johnson, and last photographed him in the also-Brad-Peyton directed "San Andreas"

Dwayne Johnson 2
Dwayne Johnson  4

The Several Faces of Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson 3
aDSC_3302.jpg
  "Imma inspire the rest of y'all later, but for now I just want to talk to this one guy in the crowd. He's bald and/or balding like me, but he so rarely wears a jacket over a t-shirt like me, and when he does it's always black. What's that about? And get some biceps, man. Buy them or borrow them, it doesn't matter. The ladiez don't even mind being CALLED The Ladiez if you get yourself biceps. And abs,.... but first biceps. And a film career and an amazing smile".  I'm writing all this down. This is good stuff.

"Imma inspire the rest of y'all later, but for now I just want to talk to this one guy in the crowd. He's bald and/or balding like me, but he so rarely wears a jacket over a t-shirt like me, and when he does it's always black. What's that about? And get some biceps, man. Buy them or borrow them, it doesn't matter. The ladiez don't even mind being CALLED The Ladiez if you get yourself biceps. And abs,.... but first biceps. And a film career and an amazing smile".
I'm writing all this down. This is good stuff.

  "When this premiere is over (and after you've paid and seen the movie of course) - everybody go out there and get yourself biceps!!!"

"When this premiere is over (and after you've paid and seen the movie of course) - everybody go out there and get yourself biceps!!!"

  "I'm just going to stand here and keep looking at him...."

"I'm just going to stand here and keep looking at him...."

 As Dwayne Johnson basks in the glow of the crowd and decides that signing autographs might bring forth the kind of crush that the biceps he needs to move tectonic plates back into palce in San Andreas 2.... Brad Peyton takes to the stage.  (Also, sorry to say that Charlie Chaplin and Subcontinental Mom got neither autographs or selfies from Dwayne Johnson you. And you'll find that my sympathy is measurable, but it would required the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and even that might mistake it for something with zero mass)

As Dwayne Johnson basks in the glow of the crowd and decides that signing autographs might bring forth the kind of crush that the biceps he needs to move tectonic plates back into palce in San Andreas 2.... Brad Peyton takes to the stage.
(Also, sorry to say that Charlie Chaplin and Subcontinental Mom got neither autographs or selfies from Dwayne Johnson you. And you'll find that my sympathy is measurable, but it would required the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and even that might mistake it for something with zero mass)

  "Wait... you've been doing premiere photography since 2008 and had a website since 2014 and still haven't found a way to monetise it?? Why NOT??"  Feel free to call me philanthropically motivated. I just love people.

"Wait... you've been doing premiere photography since 2008 and had a website since 2014 and still haven't found a way to monetise it?? Why NOT??" Feel free to call me philanthropically motivated. I just love people.

 Jeffrey Dean Morgan is still signing autographs and the dealer crush from behind matches or exceeds the crush from the side. He was also in 'Watchmen (2009)' with Malin Akerman, but is possibly more famous for his recurring role in "The Walking Dead" which is highly appropriate at this premiere...

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is still signing autographs and the dealer crush from behind matches or exceeds the crush from the side. He was also in 'Watchmen (2009)' with Malin Akerman, but is possibly more famous for his recurring role in "The Walking Dead" which is highly appropriate at this premiere...

 Jeffrey Dean Morgan recognises That Guy.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan recognises That Guy.

 Jeffrey Dean Morgan is confused by the same thing as director Brad Peyton, it seems. Either that or he's mesmerised by my style beanie. Which is unlikely as that's back at the office.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is confused by the same thing as director Brad Peyton, it seems. Either that or he's mesmerised by my style beanie. Which is unlikely as that's back at the office.

gain

So... that was that. If I had to summarise the premiere, it would be "Terrible Experience, But Fantastic Angle". And I guess in theory that's all you need in photography, which is (I guess) why I do it : more experience, and +1 for the Archive of Premieres. I'm sure I'll laugh about it later....

Until next time!

ps. If you ever want to know when I post one of these journals, feel free to follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, or if you don't trust facebook anymore, why not on the other company they own : twitter, at berndt2_photo

pps. If you're ever around me and dressed up as a gold- or silver-painted Charlie Chaplin street performer, and want anything from me in the future, feel free to f**k off...

ppps. If you're that woman who barged herself into the front row over the course of two hours of flirting with a gold-painted Charlie Chaplin - be advised if you ever show up at a premiere and try that sh*t around me again, I will make sure everyone - and I mean - EVERYONE around knows precisely what you're doing.

Peace and love, everybody.