24 May - 'We Don't Need No Stinkin' Jurassic Park Sequel Premiere Anyway'

May 24th, 2018.

What now seems like 65 million years ago, London used to get movie premieres. They roamed Leicester Square in what seemed like neverending herds, so much so that I plonked down real cash money for the domain name "premieres.co" and everything. Then, for reasons theorised to range from 'Brexit' to 'Dealers' to 'Disney's Accountants Ran The Numbers And Figured Out Something', something changed. Premieres are rare now, verging on, dare one say it, extinct.

So when somebody puts a giant T-Rex near Tower Bridge to quietly photograph a couple of stars in front of early in the morning without inviting fans, before hurriedly shuttling them off to <wherever> and the T-Rex remains in place and is still there in the afternoon.... I quietly shed a tear for once was, and head down there after work.

Here's how it went down:

  "Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard? Here earlier. Delicious. Both of them"

"Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard? Here earlier. Delicious. Both of them"

 As you can see, there are some tiny orange lights beneath the stone meant to simulate (I'm guessing) lava. Clearly, whoever is promoting this movie spared no expense. They did however forget to put in place *ANY* signage identifying the movie anywhere. Well done, movie studio / promotion company!!

As you can see, there are some tiny orange lights beneath the stone meant to simulate (I'm guessing) lava. Clearly, whoever is promoting this movie spared no expense. They did however forget to put in place *ANY* signage identifying the movie anywhere. Well done, movie studio / promotion company!!

  "Awww.... Chris Pratt is so cute. And since he was possibly standing right here less than 6 hours ago, I feel so much closer to him than I would otherwise... " Premieres are truly magical, while I feel like random secret press photocalls have all the cool factor of a card-trick done poorly.

"Awww.... Chris Pratt is so cute. And since he was possibly standing right here less than 6 hours ago, I feel so much closer to him than I would otherwise..." Premieres are truly magical, while I feel like random secret press photocalls have all the cool factor of a card-trick done poorly.

 Just in case you wanted to know, Oscar Fauna was the movie's cinematographer. Which movie? I don't know for sure, since there's no marketing or signage anywhere around. So let's just call the movie being promoted   "Reptile Zoo VII"   for now.

Just in case you wanted to know, Oscar Fauna was the movie's cinematographer. Which movie? I don't know for sure, since there's no marketing or signage anywhere around. So let's just call the movie being promoted "Reptile Zoo VII" for now.

 J.A.Bayona directed a movie about a giant stick that had the voice of Liam Neeson once, I seem to recall. It even had a London Film Festival premiere. Not sure why I'm mentioning it, though.

J.A.Bayona directed a movie about a giant stick that had the voice of Liam Neeson once, I seem to recall. It even had a London Film Festival premiere. Not sure why I'm mentioning it, though.

  "Dodgson! We got Dodgson here!!"  (see? nobody cares....) Meanwhile, I swear I literally heard somebody ask what the dinosaur was for and some guy replied  "I *think* there's a new Jurassic Park movie coming out" . There probably is. Not sure when, not sure where, not sure what it's called.... but the last one did well, so it makes sense there'd be a sequel.... I hope they have a premiere for it when it comes out. That'd be sweet.

"Dodgson! We got Dodgson here!!" (see? nobody cares....)
Meanwhile, I swear I literally heard somebody ask what the dinosaur was for and some guy replied "I *think* there's a new Jurassic Park movie coming out". There probably is. Not sure when, not sure where, not sure what it's called.... but the last one did well, so it makes sense there'd be a sequel.... I hope they have a premiere for it when it comes out. That'd be sweet.

 Chris Pratt is possibly best known for being Starlord in the Guardians of the Galaxy films, the second one of which did not have a London premiere. And neither did Avengers Infinity War. And neither did Black Panther. And neither did Deadpool2. Not even Fifty Shades Freed had a premiere in London this year. Nor Justice League or Wonder Woman (not even that "God's Not Dead II" movie....). They just keep flying the stars in, putting them in hotels, ferrying them to talk shows and screenings, and flying them out again. Sigh..... it's like we (and by extension 'I') don't matter.

Chris Pratt is possibly best known for being Starlord in the Guardians of the Galaxy films, the second one of which did not have a London premiere. And neither did Avengers Infinity War. And neither did Black Panther. And neither did Deadpool2. Not even Fifty Shades Freed had a premiere in London this year. Nor Justice League or Wonder Woman (not even that "God's Not Dead II" movie....). They just keep flying the stars in, putting them in hotels, ferrying them to talk shows and screenings, and flying them out again. Sigh..... it's like we (and by extension 'I') don't matter.

 Bryce Dallas Howard, meanwhile, and entirely randomly, actually, was in both 'The Help' and .... wow.... a couple of movies in the Twilight Saga back in the day. Who knew?

Bryce Dallas Howard, meanwhile, and entirely randomly, actually, was in both 'The Help' and .... wow.... a couple of movies in the Twilight Saga back in the day. Who knew?

 Hilariously, either these two women helping people take photos of themselves in front of the T-Rex were random volunteers who just happened to be wearing khaki, or Universal could only afford to fly the director and three big-name stars all the way to London, put them up in hotels, drive them around, give them meals, fly them to Berlin and Madrid.... but could NOT spring for a single badge or patch of the movie's name for these two women to wear.  Keep sparing that expense, Universal!!

Hilariously, either these two women helping people take photos of themselves in front of the T-Rex were random volunteers who just happened to be wearing khaki, or Universal could only afford to fly the director and three big-name stars all the way to London, put them up in hotels, drive them around, give them meals, fly them to Berlin and Madrid.... but could NOT spring for a single badge or patch of the movie's name for these two women to wear.

Keep sparing that expense, Universal!!

 The movie (let's call it "some movie") had seven producers, three of which (randomly) are Steven Spielberg, Colin Trevorrow, and ... um..... Thomas Tull.

The movie (let's call it "some movie") had seven producers, three of which (randomly) are Steven Spielberg, Colin Trevorrow, and ... um..... Thomas Tull.

 On the other hand, instead of watching yet another blockbuster (yawn) movie, why not consider spending some time supporting live arts like.... erm... this street theatre thing instead? It could be quite inspirational and enlightening.

On the other hand, instead of watching yet another blockbuster (yawn) movie, why not consider spending some time supporting live arts like.... erm... this street theatre thing instead? It could be quite inspirational and enlightening.

  "Forsooth.... thou didst breathe upon me and the stench it doth resemble that of yon carnivore lizard king"

"Forsooth.... thou didst breathe upon me and the stench it doth resemble that of yon carnivore lizard king"

 And remember, movie fans and movie studios of the world : London IS OPEN!!!! ... for drinks.

And remember, movie fans and movie studios of the world : London IS OPEN!!!!
... for drinks.

So... that was that. A premiere that wasn't, but what the hell I'm bored and this might get more views than my 'Quotes from the Poster' section, which struggles to get even a fraction of the number of views I assume videos with titles like "check out my leprosy" and "urban dung beetle time lapse part 3" get.

But whatever. Promote your movies how you want. I'll just be sitting here by myself... talking to myself.

Until next time!! (as long as there's a next time!)

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Archive of Premieres : here
... I used to have an instagram...

  "What about that third Independence Day movie? Are they still making that? Any chance I can get a role in it? I know Jeff Goldblum, damnit!!"   And just because if I don't nobody will, remember : "Reptile Zoo VII" is in cinemas sometime probably relatively soon, with a home video release sometime after that. Check your local Blockbuster for rental release dates....

"What about that third Independence Day movie? Are they still making that? Any chance I can get a role in it? I know Jeff Goldblum, damnit!!"

And just because if I don't nobody will, remember : "Reptile Zoo VII" is in cinemas sometime probably relatively soon, with a home video release sometime after that. Check your local Blockbuster for rental release dates....

POSTSCRIPT : 19TH JULY 2018

To celebrate the 25th Anniversary of the Original "Jurassic Park" (or... 'Reptile Zoo I' if you like), somebody decided to put a reclining Jeff Goldblum statue weighing several hundred kilos onto the lawn across from Tower Bridge.

Oh, like I have a life....

  "We were so busy asking if we could, that we didn't ask whether we should".  And every day I ask myself whether a black unbuttoned shirt and leather trousers is what I should wear when confronting the world, and every day I decide in the negative.

"We were so busy asking if we could, that we didn't ask whether we should". And every day I ask myself whether a black unbuttoned shirt and leather trousers is what I should wear when confronting the world, and every day I decide in the negative.

  "I've seen the crown jewels. And yet here I am, even more impressive, Baby. That's chaos."

"I've seen the crown jewels. And yet here I am, even more impressive, Baby. That's chaos."

 According to the statue, Jeff Goldblum wears a Burei watch. Interesting.

According to the statue, Jeff Goldblum wears a Burei watch. Interesting.

  "Just watch, property values in this area are gonna triple overnight" .... sadly the statue will only be in this spot until next week, July 26th.

"Just watch, property values in this area are gonna triple overnight".... sadly the statue will only be in this spot until next week, July 26th.