23 Aug - The 'Patti Cake$' Premiere

August 23rd, 2017.

Years ago, I used to have a two-volume book set of movie reviews by a film critic who provided a few rules on movies to avoid. I can remember three of them : don't watch a movie whose title starts with "The Last....", or a movie whose title contains the word "Forever", or a movie whose title contains an exclamation mark "!".  I'm not sure what he would have made of a movie whose title contains an 'S' conveted to a dollar sign, but I'm optimistic.

(except about a movie called "The Last Jedi" due for release later this year...)

But for today? A premiere. Here's how it went down:

We start this premiere journal in a way a regrettably small number of journals do : a seagull perched on a log in front of Big Ben.

We start this premiere journal in a way a regrettably small number of journals do : a seagull perched on a log in front of Big Ben.

The reason why I'm able to casually head down to the Thames and photograph wildlife is that this is above is the full extent of what's happening at Somerset House as late as 6pm. Fortunately I'm cool enough that I don't have an evening curfew (...just a 5am morning alarm)

The reason why I'm able to casually head down to the Thames and photograph wildlife is that this is above is the full extent of what's happening at Somerset House as late as 6pm. Fortunately I'm cool enough that I don't have an evening curfew (...just a 5am morning alarm)

The list for this event is not so much a list of attendees as a list of what form of accreditation will, once you pass the bag search / body-scan / sniffer dog gauntlet, allow you into a marquee filled with drinks and snacks to celebrete the premiere. It's totally $treet (yo)

The list for this event is not so much a list of attendees as a list of what form of accreditation will, once you pass the bag search / body-scan / sniffer dog gauntlet, allow you into a marquee filled with drinks and snacks to celebrete the premiere. It's totally $treet (yo)

The current 'Media Pen' consists of a maximum four paparazzi, two stepstools and a Star Wars t-shirt-lined carrier bag. So you know things are SERIOUS here on tha norfside (aii).

The current 'Media Pen' consists of a maximum four paparazzi, two stepstools and a Star Wars t-shirt-lined carrier bag. So you know things are SERIOUS here on tha norfside (aii).

SERIOUSLY serious... but stylishly so. And as luck would have it I'm wearing a red Lowes-branded t-shirt under my suit jacket, which as long as you're not from Australia, I might be able to successfully attempt to describe that brand as the most Ztreet fashion brand in Oz (,baby)

SERIOUSLY serious... but stylishly so. And as luck would have it I'm wearing a red Lowes-branded t-shirt under my suit jacket, which as long as you're not from Australia, I might be able to successfully attempt to describe that brand as the most Ztreet fashion brand in Oz (,baby)

To the left, oldschool art installation. To the right... future oldschool art installation. Why yes, I'm taking photos of randomness - there's still another possibly 90mins before this thing starts.

To the left, oldschool art installation. To the right... future oldschool art installation. Why yes, I'm taking photos of randomness - there's still another possibly 90mins before this thing starts.

It's London, and there's a premiere on, and I only blew off a late invite from a friend to be elsewhere instead here. So I'm looking at that sign promising me a premiere and hoping fervently that it's telling me something true.

It's London, and there's a premiere on, and I only blew off a late invite from a friend to be elsewhere instead here. So I'm looking at that sign promising me a premiere and hoping fervently that it's telling me something true.

"I don't care if you're not in this movie : YOU WILL POSE HERE!!  And look cool doing so!!"

"I don't care if you're not in this movie : YOU WILL POSE HERE!!  And look cool doing so!!"

The party for invited, accredited, and/or social media influencing VIPs continues, while at my side of the Talent Moat divide, things are quieter and slightly less alcohol-fuelled. My hood be Dry, yo.

The party for invited, accredited, and/or social media influencing VIPs continues, while at my side of the Talent Moat divide, things are quieter and slightly less alcohol-fuelled. My hood be Dry, yo.

Hey, I've probably got another half an hour before things get started. Let's get political. Is it too soon for a "Brentry" referendum, do you think?

Hey, I've probably got another half an hour before things get started. Let's get political. Is it too soon for a "Brentry" referendum, do you think?

"Wait.... I think $hit just got $started..."

"Wait.... I think $hit just got $started..."

... and finally, at 8:15pm, it doe$ indeed begin!

"You can call me Bridg-Ett, if you want. But that sounds a bit too much like my first name, and I'd say we're not on a first name basis yet" Our first arrival is Bridget Everett, who plays 'Barb' in the film.

"You can call me Bridg-Ett, if you want. But that sounds a bit too much like my first name, and I'd say we're not on a first name basis yet" Our first arrival is Bridget Everett, who plays 'Barb' in the film.

Geremy Jasper (and Geremy Jasper's hat) were between them involved in the directing of this film, and covering the head of Geremy Jasper. Sadly, of all the premieres, this is one I idiotically forgot to wear my black'n'brass 'LA' cap. It's totally $treet, as you might imagine.

Geremy Jasper (and Geremy Jasper's hat) were between them involved in the directing of this film, and covering the head of Geremy Jasper. Sadly, of all the premieres, this is one I idiotically forgot to wear my black'n'brass 'LA' cap. It's totally $treet, as you might imagine.

"Actually, I had considered calling it Patty £amington in countries where the dollar sign isn't as relevant....." (and since the lead actress in the film is in Australian, it would have been a dual tribute, no less)

"Actually, I had considered calling it Patty £amington in countries where the dollar sign isn't as relevant....." (and since the lead actress in the film is in Australian, it would have been a dual tribute, no less)

"Adam Driver was in town a few days ago for a premiere? That's pretty cool.... though that's also why I'm in town, so I'm arguably just as cool"

"Adam Driver was in town a few days ago for a premiere? That's pretty cool.... though that's also why I'm in town, so I'm arguably just as cool"

"Of course I'm $treet - I directed a Demi Lovato video, you know...". And indeed, Mr Jasper did (refer below) Warning : the following video contains no coarse language:

"Of course I'm $treet - I directed a Demi Lovato video, you know...". And indeed, Mr Jasper did (refer below)

Warning : the following video contains no coarse language:

"As long as you ask me no follow-up questions whatsoever, and this country has no laws against falsely claiming something of this nature.... yes, Selena Gomez was totally lip-syncing to my voice in that video"

"As long as you ask me no follow-up questions whatsoever, and this country has no laws against falsely claiming something of this nature.... yes, Selena Gomez was totally lip-syncing to my voice in that video"

"I hope the lines on my dress were of assistance in low-light focussing with that Pentax" - actually, yes they were!

"I hope the lines on my dress were of assistance in low-light focussing with that Pentax" - actually, yes they were!

"No, my 'hoss' did not leave me, and my 'dawg' is not missin'. The hat is a statement of edgy street fashion as long as it's worn ironically. Which this one IS. Also,  if you knew anything about hats, you'd know I'm wearing mine backwards"

"No, my 'hoss' did not leave me, and my 'dawg' is not missin'. The hat is a statement of edgy street fashion as long as it's worn ironically. Which this one IS. Also,  if you knew anything about hats, you'd know I'm wearing mine backwards"

My hatlessness disgusts him.

My hatlessness disgusts him.

"No, I'm am not 'amblin' into he nearest saloon..' I'm going into the foyer for a riesling and canapes. Because that's how I roll". I, meanwhile, will be eating reheated leftovers and possibly opening a crisp cider once I get home. Because that's how *I* roll.

"No, I'm am not 'amblin' into he nearest saloon..' I'm going into the foyer for a riesling and canapes. Because that's how I roll". I, meanwhile, will be eating reheated leftovers and possibly opening a crisp cider once I get home. Because that's how *I* roll.

" 'G', you told me you'd quit smoking" "I did.. this cigarette is not even lit" "That's so Urban Gang$ta" "Taking good care of your lungs always is, Sistah.."

" 'G', you told me you'd quit smoking"
"I did.. this cigarette is not even lit"
"That's so Urban Gang$ta"
"Taking good care of your lungs always is, Sistah.."

"What, no gang signs? We Out!"

"What, no gang signs? We Out!"

Photographed earlier : lady sufficiently similar to Australia's own Danielle Macdonald that I figured I might as well put it here. It's an edgy thing to do, so I'll thank y'all to respect that. <snaps fingers>

Photographed earlier : lady sufficiently similar to Australia's own Danielle Macdonald that I figured I might as well put it here. It's an edgy thing to do, so I'll thank y'all to respect that.
<snaps fingers>

So... that was that. The beautiful and privileged and accredited and $treet-Enough people kept partying, and I headed off to Blackfriars station, Souf-Side (,yo).

Check it out... London is quite pretty this time of night at this time of year. I mean.. uh... Check Ma Cittee, yeah? She be fyne 2Nyte

Check it out... London is quite pretty this time of night at this time of year. I mean.. uh... Check Ma Cittee, yeah? She be fyne 2Nyte

Neither you nor I nor quite possibly anyone at the premiere I just went to is, was, or will ever be quite as street as 'The Disco Bunny'.

Neither you nor I nor quite possibly anyone at the premiere I just went to is, was, or will ever be quite as street as 'The Disco Bunny'.

So... that was that. Another premiere, another entry for the Archive of Movie premieres, and hopefully more to come tomorrow as Frightfest and its claimed catalogue of premieres launches.

P$ : if you ever want to know when I po$t one of the$e journal$, feel free to follow me on £acebook at premieresdotco, on £witter at berndt2_photo, or just shine a giant dollar sign into the sky around my hood in St Albans ....or '5T 4L84N5' as we locals call it <insert gang sign>

Until Neck$t Time!