May 19th, 2016.
Just for once I don't have time to write a long salacious journal about a premiere I'm just back from. And, thanks tothe f**ked upness of my Epson printer (can't print greyscale because I'm out of cyan, huh, a**holes?), the unreliability of my Acer laptop (when I double-click on iTunes, it's really more of a gentle request than an order), the retardedness of iTunes (I have accepted every f**king term and condition already - would you like my appendix and spleen as well), the inability of my iPod to maintain a steady connection over wifi (for which there is no excuse - I was on my laptop googling why my iphone couldn't access the same fast wifi my laptop was accessing).
I've already said too much. Here's how the premiere went down.
"If he doesn't turn up, I'll die"
"But what if he DOES show up, Janine?"
"Probaby die as well, I guess"
Rumours were rife that main draw Ryan Gosling (who after x years of doing premieres I've never photographed) (where x = several years longer than should be the case) would likely NOT be attendig this premiere...
Our host for this evening, if she's able to speak above the sound of a 70s funk band beind her, is Edith Bowman.
There's a deep and meaningful explanation for the boot heel design, but I'm still mesmerised by the orange carpet so I can't give it all the consideration it deserves right now.
Sadly, I never owned flares like this.
Even more sadly, I've also never owned hair like this.
Suddenly, ever person's HAIR in front of me starts to grow, and old ladies with no idea how an iPad works start holding them up arbitrarily in front of me and on the carpet. Oh, and Ryan Gosling has arrived. He's so Dreamy (I never watched The Notebook, but I did enjoy "Drive")
"Old ladies holding up ipads is like what throwing underwear on stage is for rockstars, Tracy. It's always an honour"
"Cheryl, if you could just shift the angle four degrees west, I'll be able to look at Ryan Gosling safely without looking at him directly"
"That's right, ladies. I AM the real Ryan Grosling....."
The implausibly (yet excellently) named Angourie Rice is not as unknown as I'd previously supposed : she was in the Australian film "These Final Hours" (2013) which I actually rather enjoyed (that it was themed around an apocalypse says a lot about my current and recent state of mind), and she was very good in.
"was it awesome working with Russell and Ryan? Yeah, I guess so. I mean... they're both kind of OLD, you know?"
Our enterprising heroine has found another reflective surface and an angle...
"Stop misquoting me. Ryan was lovely and Russell was awesome". Uh. Okay.
"Could you speak more clearly into this microphone?"
"But isn't the microphone in your other hand??"
"This isn't an IQ test, Shane..."
Is there any way I could have handled that microphone question better?
uber-producer Joel Silver
"This is how we're starting the world's longest one-handed conga line outta here!" - Sadly Ryan Gosling signs but nowhere near me, and elects not to be interviewed as he heads inside the Odeon Leicester Square.
"I wasn't in Avatar, that was Sam Worthington. But I can sign it saying I like it, if you want?" Australia's Own Russell Crowe is still Australia's Own whenever he's not punching people or throwing thing. When he does that, he's just a typical New Zealander...
Australia's own Russell Crowe elects to be interviewed.
"Favourite Shane Black movie? Uh....."
"You are allowed to say it's this one"
"Oh. Right. Yes, this one"
My favourite? "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" (2005), which I thought was brilliant - probably in my top ten films of that decade (even though I watched it the decade after...)
Shootin' Ryan Gosling diagonally through a doorway just after he's posed for an indoor group shot. Me? Desperate? No, not at all...
... and then he entered the cinema
Although I have some pretty important (non-premiere) things coming up in the next few days (next few hours, actually) I decide that in order to properly photograph Ryan Gosling, I'm going to have to wait and see if he decides not to stay and watch the movie, and instead leaves soon after introducing it to head off to the afterparty or to watch a different movie elsewhere or something....
Five to ten minutes later....our man Gosling reappears, to the screams of estrogen-fuelled banshees brandishing double-XX chromosomes. there are a couple of us guys here, kind of just uncomfortably going "yeah, he's a pretty good actor....'Drive' was really good'
"The screaming appears to be slightly less intense over there, sir..."
I've made eye-contact. I'm obviously immune to his charms, rakish hairstyle and flamboyant-yet-understated green suit... but I do forget to mention the five dollars he still owes me.
"It's been great. Watch our movie. And stop asking if I'll be in a Marvel movie, because the answer is : eventually ALL OF US will be in a Marvel movie..."
"Next time...."
"The screaming has died down, Sir. You're probably safe to leave, now..."
So... that was that. I should have been in bed about an hour ago for a 2am wakeup call, but as articulated above, due to the heroically f**ked up nature of Epson, Acer, and Apple, I'm going to have to attack tomorrow on a hell of a lot less hours sleep than I'm going to need.
If I can survive the next couple of days, I might be able to do one or two more next week, and have more to add to the Archive of Movie premieres
We'll see.
Bernd
.PS. If you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal, feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook by clicking here. You can also share this journal, comment on it below, or punch somebody who works at (a) Epson, (b) Acer, (c) Apple, inc in their f**king face and tell me about how good it felt below.