28 Nov 2016 - The 'I Am Bolt' World Premiere

November 28th, 2016.

As a species, we've evolved to the point where I can own a 1996 Nissan Pulsar Sedan (red) that can propel me at speeds no gazelle can easily escape from. Unaccountably, then, we still bestow awards and honours at people whose absolute maximum speed is much slower and typically is only achieved running in mostly a straight line on flat ground in a place where gazelles aren't.

The world doesn't make sense, when you think about it.

Still here's how the premiere of 'I Am Bolt' went down:

My dedication and arrival time provided me with a wristband numbered 32, and a front row in a pen representing my third preference. I suppose if I'd made different choices in my life, I might have won enough gold medals to have my own documentary at which I could have had the pen of my choice.

My dedication and arrival time provided me with a wristband numbered 32, and a front row in a pen representing my third preference. I suppose if I'd made different choices in my life, I might have won enough gold medals to have my own documentary at which I could have had the pen of my choice.

"I'm going to be honest, there's only one person on this four-page list that I want to be interviewing. And it's not one of the bandmembers of The Vamps"

"I'm going to be honest, there's only one person on this four-page list that I want to be interviewing. And it's not one of the bandmembers of The Vamps"

"Are you retweeting my tweet or am I retweeting yours?" "Does it involve cats?" "Obviously"

"Are you retweeting my tweet or am I retweeting yours?"
"Does it involve cats?"
"Obviously"

The eyes seem to follow you everywhere you go. Which would be less of a problem if there weren't posters completely encircling this premiere, making you confront the awful reality that you're unlikely to win 9 Olympic gold medals in our lifetime, even if we take up some of the more obscure ones like curling and steeplechase. Or are already Michael Phelps.

The eyes seem to follow you everywhere you go. Which would be less of a problem if there weren't posters completely encircling this premiere, making you confront the awful reality that you're unlikely to win 9 Olympic gold medals in our lifetime, even if we take up some of the more obscure ones like curling and steeplechase. Or are already Michael Phelps.

Jamaican Dancers (nationality not confirmed) at six degrees celsius.

Jamaican Dancers (nationality not confirmed) at six degrees celsius.

For point of reference, I am currently wearing a t-shirt, thermal jumper, and a jacket with an inserted additional inner lining. I'd offer the lady the use of my thinsulate beanie, but it would clash with her ensemble and she'd be forced to declne.

For point of reference, I am currently wearing a t-shirt, thermal jumper, and a jacket with an inserted additional inner lining. I'd offer the lady the use of my thinsulate beanie, but it would clash with her ensemble and she'd be forced to declne.

"I'm not moving until you've composed this shot properly"  - I even reversed it so that the reflection of the burger franchise worked.

"I'm not moving until you've composed this shot properly" - I even reversed it so that the reflection of the burger franchise worked.

Usain Bolt's Manager and best friend from childhood is every bit as relaxed and cheeful as anybody who is Usain Bolt's manager and best friend from childhood would be.

Usain Bolt's Manager and best friend from childhood is every bit as relaxed and cheeful as anybody who is Usain Bolt's manager and best friend from childhood would be.

Fine. My Nissan Pulsar sedan can only *probably* accelerate faster than Usain Bolt over 200m.

Fine. My Nissan Pulsar sedan can only *probably* accelerate faster than Usain Bolt over 200m.

This movie has dual directors - brothers Benjamin and Gabe Turner - who also directed the documentary  'The Class of 92'  about Manchester United's ... uh... Class of 92.

This movie has dual directors - brothers Benjamin and Gabe Turner - who also directed the documentary 'The Class of 92' about Manchester United's ... uh... Class of 92.

"There are four days every year where London's temperature in any way resembles Jamaica's. And none of them occur between October and March"  Usain Bolt's mum and dad - Wellesley and Jennifer Bolt attended the premiere.

"There are four days every year where London's temperature in any way resembles Jamaica's. And none of them occur between October and March" Usain Bolt's mum and dad - Wellesley and Jennifer Bolt attended the premiere.

Jennifer Bolt
"I'm more than twenty years older now, but don't you dare say anything against my shirt"  Team GB's Linford Christie won the 100m sprint Gold medal at the 1992 Barcelona Olympcs.

"I'm more than twenty years older now, but don't you dare say anything against my shirt" Team GB's Linford Christie won the 100m sprint Gold medal at the 1992 Barcelona Olympcs.

Germany's former Tennis #1 Boris Becker said in an interview that nowadays anyone who wins anything is called a 'legend' and an 'icon' to the point where the words are totally devalued and undeserved. He clarified that Usain Bolt's achievements in athletics definitely qualified him for both titles, but didn't opine as to whether my 100% attendance record in my last year of High School entitled me to one or both of those accolades.

Germany's former Tennis #1 Boris Becker said in an interview that nowadays anyone who wins anything is called a 'legend' and an 'icon' to the point where the words are totally devalued and undeserved. He clarified that Usain Bolt's achievements in athletics definitely qualified him for both titles, but didn't opine as to whether my 100% attendance record in my last year of High School entitled me to one or both of those accolades.

"Take a photo of us all taking selfies : it's so meta it'll break the internet"  - I think most telco networks are built to avoid precisely this kind of infinite logic loop.

"Take a photo of us all taking selfies : it's so meta it'll break the internet" - I think most telco networks are built to avoid precisely this kind of infinite logic loop.

"What's it like being Usain Bolt? Well... I'm tall...."

"What's it like being Usain Bolt? Well... I'm tall...."

"So... do you ever wake up at night and wonder 'Could I have run even faster?' ?" "Not until tonight, I think..."

"So... do you ever wake up at night and wonder 'Could I have run even faster?' ?"
"Not until tonight, I think..."

"We've got to stop her asking questions like that. It'll detract from the documentary..."

"We've got to stop her asking questions like that. It'll detract from the documentary..."

"I love you, man. Also, I'm not currently reaching for the wallet in your jacket's breast pocket..."

"I love you, man. Also, I'm not currently reaching for the wallet in your jacket's breast pocket..."

I was able to shift location slightly to get a rear/side view of the interview stage. My preferred pen, diagonally opposite was only open for people who arrived late, didn't queue and timed their entry perfectly to get the view, autographs, and a free wristband to see the film.

I was able to shift location slightly to get a rear/side view of the interview stage. My preferred pen, diagonally opposite was only open for people who arrived late, didn't queue and timed their entry perfectly to get the view, autographs, and a free wristband to see the film.

"Which of my nine gold medals is my favourite? Well... they're all kind of special, and they all weight much the same..."

"Which of my nine gold medals is my favourite? Well... they're all kind of special, and they all weight much the same..."

"And give it up for that man over there : if he'd truly cared about views on his website he'd have started a website of cat videos almost a decade ago and sat back and waited for the money and fame to roll in..."

"And give it up for that man over there : if he'd truly cared about views on his website he'd have started a website of cat videos almost a decade ago and sat back and waited for the money and fame to roll in..."

"I'm happy to sign and pose for everybody.... mostly because I'm guessing they won't start the screening without me"  - and indeed he did because indeed they wouldn't.

"I'm happy to sign and pose for everybody.... mostly because I'm guessing they won't start the screening without me" - and indeed he did because indeed they wouldn't.

"Well... time to warm up that hand and try to remember how to do my autograph"

"Well... time to warm up that hand and try to remember how to do my autograph"

If you knew how cold it is right now and how far along into balding territory I am at my age, you'd know I am entirely incapable of making fun of this hairstyle right now.

If you knew how cold it is right now and how far along into balding territory I am at my age, you'd know I am entirely incapable of making fun of this hairstyle right now.

Team GB's Mo Farah won both the 5000m and 10000m Gold medals at the London 2012 and Rio 2016 Olympics. Also the tie looks great, the suit looks slick and he's wearing baldness better than I am. In other words, I should hate him immensely, but oddly I don't at all.

Team GB's Mo Farah won both the 5000m and 10000m Gold medals at the London 2012 and Rio 2016 Olympics. Also the tie looks great, the suit looks slick and he's wearing baldness better than I am. In other words, I should hate him immensely, but oddly I don't at all.

Hannah Cockroft won 2 Paralympic gold medals in London in 2012, and then followed this up wtih three more gold medals in Rio this year. I am typically much less successful at activities requiring me to sit down. Or stand up. Or walk if I'm honest.

Hannah Cockroft won 2 Paralympic gold medals in London in 2012, and then followed this up wtih three more gold medals in Rio this year. I am typically much less successful at activities requiring me to sit down. Or stand up. Or walk if I'm honest.

"Wanna watch this video? I don't want to spoil anything, but it'll only take 9.58 seconds of your time..."

"Wanna watch this video? I don't want to spoil anything, but it'll only take 9.58 seconds of your time..."

"And you're sure I'm not endorsing any product, service or political stance by signing this?"

"And you're sure I'm not endorsing any product, service or political stance by signing this?"

So... that was that. Another premiere, another cold night, and another entry into the Archive of Movie Premieres. There are still one or two events this year before I call time on 2016 and take serious stock to determine whether this website needs a revamp with added kittens and the like. But for now it's...

Until next time!

ps. if you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal, feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook at premieresdotco. (or both!)

21 Nov 2016 - The 'Allied' UK Premiere

November 21st, 2016.

It's been barely a week since one of this year's largest premieres (and one of its most disregarded journals) - that of 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' - and now we're back in Leicester Square for a premiere that was very very under-promoted. To the point where not one of the three websites I typically trawl for news of upcoming premieres even had it.

But Leicester Square had it, and I found out about it. Here's how it went down:

"Jack, did you somehow sync this screen with the dirty texts on my mobile??"  - it's 11:30am and it seems that there IS a premiere on in Leicester Square today. Either that, or the latest Samsung Mobile has a screen size Apple never saw coming.

"Jack, did you somehow sync this screen with the dirty texts on my mobile??" - it's 11:30am and it seems that there IS a premiere on in Leicester Square today. Either that, or the latest Samsung Mobile has a screen size Apple never saw coming.

If your good friend and mine Hakeem Mr Impact and DJ Détente show up to this premiere, the movie title isn't going to give them a whole heap of rhyming options to go with.

If your good friend and mine Hakeem Mr Impact and DJ Détente show up to this premiere, the movie title isn't going to give them a whole heap of rhyming options to go with.

For the first time at a premiere at London's Odeon Leicester Square, they've put the stage at the south end and not the north or west. Is that important? Not as much as the forecast for  heavy rain  for all of the next three hours.

For the first time at a premiere at London's Odeon Leicester Square, they've put the stage at the south end and not the north or west. Is that important? Not as much as the forecast for heavy rain for all of the next three hours.

Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo!! Leicester Square make some NOISE!! Or provide me with a level of silence so profound that we'll all weep at the memory of it!!!"

Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo!! Leicester Square make some NOISE!! Or provide me with a level of silence so profound that we'll all weep at the memory of it!!!"

So.... yeah. It rained.

So.... yeah. It rained.

"Welcome to Leicester Square, and for the record I've come up with no rhyming words for Marion Cotillard, Lizzy Caplan or director Robert Zemeckis. Thankfully they'll be joined by Brad Pitt. Lots of things rhyme with 'Pitt' and not all of them are rude, people"

"Welcome to Leicester Square, and for the record I've come up with no rhyming words for Marion Cotillard, Lizzy Caplan or director Robert Zemeckis. Thankfully they'll be joined by Brad Pitt. Lots of things rhyme with 'Pitt' and not all of them are rude, people"

"I don't care who you are. This is a toll gate, bro."  - our first arrival is Oscar-winning producer Graham King (it was for 'The Departed' in 2006)

"I don't care who you are. This is a toll gate, bro." - our first arrival is Oscar-winning producer Graham King (it was for 'The Departed' in 2006)

I feel like I should know who the guy rubbing the tummy of produer Graham King for good luck is. Certainly I hope producer Graham King knows who he is.

I feel like I should know who the guy rubbing the tummy of produer Graham King for good luck is. Certainly I hope producer Graham King knows who he is.

Please don't break my heart and tell me this guy's not famous. It doesn't even have to be in movies. I'll take metallurgy, cryptozoology... even Ikebana, the Japanese art of Flower Arranging.

Please don't break my heart and tell me this guy's not famous. It doesn't even have to be in movies. I'll take metallurgy, cryptozoology... even Ikebana, the Japanese art of Flower Arranging.

"Govia Thameslink's customer complaints department give themselves TWENTY DAYS to reply to customers with copy-paste apologies? If that's true, then what a bunch of d1ckheads!!"  - Steven Knight, the movie's screenwriter also wrote the screenplay  for the movie 'Burnt'  and both wrote and directed the EXCELLENT  Tom Hardy film 'Locke'.

"Govia Thameslink's customer complaints department give themselves TWENTY DAYS to reply to customers with copy-paste apologies? If that's true, then what a bunch of d1ckheads!!" - Steven Knight, the movie's screenwriter also wrote the screenplay for the movie 'Burnt' and both wrote and directed the EXCELLENT Tom Hardy film 'Locke'.

Director Mike Leigh (not associated with this movie) meanwhile has SEVEN Academy Award nominations to his credit, but no victories. Jut like me!!! (I'm talking about the lack of wins. He edges me out on nominations).

Director Mike Leigh (not associated with this movie) meanwhile has SEVEN Academy Award nominations to his credit, but no victories. Jut like me!!! (I'm talking about the lack of wins. He edges me out on nominations).

The couple at right decides to spend their anniversary watching dealers desperately grasping at director Rober Zemeckis, and who are you or I to say it's not a devastatingly romantic thing to do?

The couple at right decides to spend their anniversary watching dealers desperately grasping at director Rober Zemeckis, and who are you or I to say it's not a devastatingly romantic thing to do?

"Where those lovebirds be at??"  Robert Zemeckis won a Best Director Oscar for Forrest Gump back in 1995, but he also directed the Back to the Future trilogy in the 1980s, the underrated scifi movie 'Contact' and 'Castaway' as well as  the Denzel Washington movie 'Flight'

"Where those lovebirds be at??" Robert Zemeckis won a Best Director Oscar for Forrest Gump back in 1995, but he also directed the Back to the Future trilogy in the 1980s, the underrated scifi movie 'Contact' and 'Castaway' as well as the Denzel Washington movie 'Flight'

"Here's my email adress. If you can get me a Brad Pitt autograph, I promise it won't go unappreciated"

"Here's my email adress. If you can get me a Brad Pitt autograph, I promise it won't go unappreciated"

"You can get him to make it out to either "Robert" or "Bob" - I'm not particular"

"You can get him to make it out to either "Robert" or "Bob" - I'm not particular"

To the screams of fans and the gratitude of Burger King who have once again worked their logo into one of my photos - both Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt have arrived!

To the screams of fans and the gratitude of Burger King who have once again worked their logo into one of my photos - both Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt have arrived!

This shot of Brad Pitt is possibly one of the longest long-range shots the Nikon has ever nailed on first attempt. I should probably update my 'Equipment' page to reflect the camera I'm using.

This shot of Brad Pitt is possibly one of the longest long-range shots the Nikon has ever nailed on first attempt. I should probably update my 'Equipment' page to reflect the camera I'm using.

You can litter this town with as many "shot on iPhone" billboards you want, Apple. This is Marion Cotillard shot at 50 metres on a 200mm f2.8 lens. Not saying iPhones aren't great (the Nikon is rubbish at playing movies on its rear LCD for example) but let's be real about the limitations.

You can litter this town with as many "shot on iPhone" billboards you want, Apple. This is Marion Cotillard shot at 50 metres on a 200mm f2.8 lens. Not saying iPhones aren't great (the Nikon is rubbish at playing movies on its rear LCD for example) but let's be real about the limitations.

Josh Dylan is in this movie, and his suit is a very nice shade of blue... but all the kids around are still mostly screaming for Brad Pitt to sign autographs for them.

Josh Dylan is in this movie, and his suit is a very nice shade of blue... but all the kids around are still mostly screaming for Brad Pitt to sign autographs for them.

"Do red carpet steps always have to descend like this?"  - sadly wireimage hasn't yet updated its identification of attendees for this event so I don't know who this is.

"Do red carpet steps always have to descend like this?" - sadly wireimage hasn't yet updated its identification of attendees for this event so I don't know who this is.

All things being equal, I'd prefer to photograph Marion Cotillard briefly smiling than having her earnestly apologise for not smiling.

All things being equal, I'd prefer to photograph Marion Cotillard briefly smiling than having her earnestly apologise for not smiling.

"Those people to my right and to my left are far too excited. I can't risk making eye-contact"  I last photographed Marion Cotillard a few months ago at the BFI London Film Festival premiere for  "It's Only The End of the World" . with Lea Seydoux and Xavier Dolan.

"Those people to my right and to my left are far too excited. I can't risk making eye-contact" I last photographed Marion Cotillard a few months ago at the BFI London Film Festival premiere for "It's Only The End of the World". with Lea Seydoux and Xavier Dolan.

That photo of director Terry Gilliam is blurry,  I hear you observe. And you're absolutely right - but you'll notice the scarf he's wearing is tack-sharp. And as we know, Terry Gilliam doesn't wear scarves : Scarves Wear Terry Gilliam.

That photo of director Terry Gilliam is blurry, I hear you observe. And you're absolutely right - but you'll notice the scarf he's wearing is tack-sharp. And as we know, Terry Gilliam doesn't wear scarves : Scarves Wear Terry Gilliam.

"The Oscar is nice, of course - but it can't be worn stylishly like a scarf..."  - Marion Cotillard won her Best Actress Oscar for La Vie En Rose, but she's also been in such films (and perhaps more importantly premieres) as  'Public Enemies' , ' The Dark Knight Rises' ,  'Rust and Bone'  and  'Two Days One Night'

"The Oscar is nice, of course - but it can't be worn stylishly like a scarf..." - Marion Cotillard won her Best Actress Oscar for La Vie En Rose, but she's also been in such films (and perhaps more importantly premieres) as 'Public Enemies', 'The Dark Knight Rises', 'Rust and Bone' and 'Two Days One Night'

"You're right : there aren't enough World War II comedies. And this isn't one."  I last (and first) photographed actress Lizzy Caplan slightly under a month ago at  the premiere of 'Starfish'  where she attended with her boyfriend, but she's actually in this film.

"You're right : there aren't enough World War II comedies. And this isn't one." I last (and first) photographed actress Lizzy Caplan slightly under a month ago at the premiere of 'Starfish' where she attended with her boyfriend, but she's actually in this film.

"You came just to see me? So now that I'm here you don't really need an autograph, right?"   - Brad Pitt is still breaking hearts (though it should be said, he's also really good at posing and signing for fans)

"You came just to see me? So now that I'm here you don't really need an autograph, right?"  - Brad Pitt is still breaking hearts (though it should be said, he's also really good at posing and signing for fans)

"No way I'm letting Lizzy get to the popcorn stand before I do...."  - Raffey Cassidy is in this film, and was also in the simultaneously impressive and simultaneously sub-par (yet underrated)  "Tomorrowland" a movie with a core idea so good that writer Damon Lindelof should not have been let anywhere near it, even if he came up with it .

"No way I'm letting Lizzy get to the popcorn stand before I do...." - Raffey Cassidy is in this film, and was also in the simultaneously impressive and simultaneously sub-par (yet underrated) "Tomorrowland" a movie with a core idea so good that writer Damon Lindelof should not have been let anywhere near it, even if he came up with it.

"What do you mean you don't know who I am?"  - I was trying to pay attention, but Brad Pitt was signing in our area and edging closer to where I was, so there was a bit of crowd upheaval in my immediate vicinity.

"What do you mean you don't know who I am?" - I was trying to pay attention, but Brad Pitt was signing in our area and edging closer to where I was, so there was a bit of crowd upheaval in my immediate vicinity.

"Oh man that dude up on stage looks so familiar right now...."

"Oh man that dude up on stage looks so familiar right now...."

"It's been a busy premeire, Edith. A lot of high-fives, selfies, autographs.... I might've even blessed a newborn and named an alpaca for a family on holiday from South America."

"It's been a busy premeire, Edith. A lot of high-fives, selfies, autographs.... I might've even blessed a newborn and named an alpaca for a family on holiday from South America."

"Guys : watch this movie. If not for me, then do it for my scarf, which happened to get a glimpse at the one around Terry Gilliam's neck earlier and is feeling a bit inferior right now"

"Guys : watch this movie. If not for me, then do it for my scarf, which happened to get a glimpse at the one around Terry Gilliam's neck earlier and is feeling a bit inferior right now"

So... that was that, and my Archive of Movie Premieres gets a new addition in the form of a somewhat spontaneous premiere, occasionally affected by rain, but not crtically so. And the countdown to the end of the year continues : as far as I can tell there should be one more premiere ("I am Bolt") and two more events (BIFA and the London Fashion Awards) before I pull up stumps on this year's effort and let my hardworking dedicated staff take a bit of a break. By 'hardworking staff' I mean my Nikon, either of two Pentaxes and my occasional GoPro....

Until next time!

ps. If you want to follow my exploits in the field of premieres, feel free to join me on facebook at premieresdotco, or on twitter at @berndt2_photo. If you'd rather keep up with the latest news in Retail Cloud Price Modelling , you'll have to get in touch separately.

Oh, and....

Might have gotten this signed. Also might not have. But if I did, those are the signatures of Brad Pitt and Robert Zemeckis.

Might have gotten this signed. Also might not have. But if I did, those are the signatures of Brad Pitt and Robert Zemeckis.