1 Jun - The 'Tale of Tales' Premiere

June 1st, 2016.

After the bewildering briefness of yesterday's "record"-setting 2:35mins premiere for 'The Neon Demon', it was good to get out into a more regular 'we didn't close down the road for this one' premiere at the Curzon Mayfair. And with blustery cold and windy conditions totally in keeping with the first day of Summer here in England, I was pretty glad I dressed almost-but-not-quite appropriately with a light business jacket and 'style' beanie.

Here's how it went down:

I know nothing about this movie except that it's got Salma Hayek and Toby Jones in it, and both are expected to attend this event.... just like me. Because if there's a premiere in London, there's a decent chance I'll attend. If you're after my autograph, that's where you'll find me. However, if I owe you money, I probably won't go to whichever one you're thinking of tracking me down at.

I know nothing about this movie except that it's got Salma Hayek and Toby Jones in it, and both are expected to attend this event.... just like me. Because if there's a premiere in London, there's a decent chance I'll attend. If you're after my autograph, that's where you'll find me. However, if I owe you money, I probably won't go to whichever one you're thinking of tracking me down at.

If nothing else, I like the movie poster they're using for the premiere. For weeks now, the website premierescene.com which listed this premiere as taking place today went with a photo of Salma Hayek sitting at a white table with a bloodstained mouth feasting on something that probably wasn't a light apricot danish.

If nothing else, I like the movie poster they're using for the premiere. For weeks now, the website premierescene.com which listed this premiere as taking place today went with a photo of Salma Hayek sitting at a white table with a bloodstained mouth feasting on something that probably wasn't a light apricot danish.

It's the first day of summer, and peoples' spirits are lifting already! In this case, from murderous to merely highly morose.

It's the first day of summer, and peoples' spirits are lifting already! In this case, from murderous to merely highly morose.

"Just my luck.  A transit of Jupiter through the Pleiades and the best place to view it is the middle of a road in Mayfair during a premiere...."

"Just my luck.  A transit of Jupiter through the Pleiades and the best place to view it is the middle of a road in Mayfair during a premiere...."

"If I could fake a certificate saying this was from the Captain America premiere, this could be a real money spinner. Alternatively, I could start to reupholster my garage with this..."

"If I could fake a certificate saying this was from the Captain America premiere, this could be a real money spinner. Alternatively, I could start to reupholster my garage with this..."

Our first arrival from the film exits her car, to screams of "Shirley". Which confuses me until I realise that this is probably not who people are shouting at.

Our first arrival from the film exits her car, to screams of "Shirley". Which confuses me until I realise that this is probably not who people are shouting at.

Shirley Henderson has been in both previous Bridget Jones films AND is set to be in the third AND she's also been in Trainspotting, Rob Roy and an episode of Doctor Who. But none of those roles are what the autograph dealers want her autograph for.

Shirley Henderson has been in both previous Bridget Jones films AND is set to be in the third AND she's also been in Trainspotting, Rob Roy and an episode of Doctor Who. But none of those roles are what the autograph dealers want her autograph for.

Shirley Henderson is arguably best known for being the creepily depressed Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (the second one) and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (the fourth one)

Shirley Henderson is arguably best known for being the creepily depressed Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (the second one) and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (the fourth one)

"I'm not complaining about the wind : it's making my hair bounce. And who doesn't want their hair to bounce?"

"I'm not complaining about the wind : it's making my hair bounce. And who doesn't want their hair to bounce?"

"I'm not Moaning. I am merely Displeased. And I have outsourced that displeasure to a company in the Philippines who can do it much more cheaply than I could in this country". Outsourcing and offshoring humour. You're welcome.

"I'm not Moaning. I am merely Displeased. And I have outsourced that displeasure to a company in the Philippines who can do it much more cheaply than I could in this country". Outsourcing and offshoring humour. You're welcome.

I'd like to claim this is His Royal Highness Prince William. But both my legal team (and in this case factual accuracy) advise most ferociously that it is not.

I'd like to claim this is His Royal Highness Prince William. But both my legal team (and in this case factual accuracy) advise most ferociously that it is not.

Incredibly, this premiere will pay host to not one but THREE Harry Potter Movies alumni : this is the second, Toby Jones, who provided the voice of Dobby The House Elf across numerous episodes of the series.

Incredibly, this premiere will pay host to not one but THREE Harry Potter Movies alumni : this is the second, Toby Jones, who provided the voice of Dobby The House Elf across numerous episodes of the series.

"He's not asking for the sock back, is he??" Toby Jones is also a member of the ever-increasing Marvel Cinematic Universe, having played the German (correction : Swiss) scientist Armin Zola in the first two Captain America movies.

"He's not asking for the sock back, is he??" Toby Jones is also a member of the ever-increasing Marvel Cinematic Universe, having played the German (correction : Swiss) scientist Armin Zola in the first two Captain America movies.

"Has everybody forgotten The Hunger Games already?" I'm kind of peckish myself, but indeed Toby Jones played Stanley Tucci's sidekick in the first, second and (uncredited) fourth films in the franchise.

"Has everybody forgotten The Hunger Games already?" I'm kind of peckish myself, but indeed Toby Jones played Stanley Tucci's sidekick in the first, second and (uncredited) fourth films in the franchise.

The paparazzi cordon briefly parts to coincidentally allow me to photograph director Matteo Garrone. I don't usually get this lucky. Not with Scarlett Johansson, at any rate.

The paparazzi cordon briefly parts to coincidentally allow me to photograph director Matteo Garrone. I don't usually get this lucky. Not with Scarlett Johansson, at any rate.

Bebe Cave played "Young Biddy" and was at the premiere of "Great Expectations (2012)". I've recently (finally) watched that adaptation, and having previously read the book I can only say that the movie wasn't nearly as relentlessly depressing as Dickens' novel. And in that context, that's actually a criticism of the film as an adaptation.

Bebe Cave played "Young Biddy" and was at the premiere of "Great Expectations (2012)". I've recently (finally) watched that adaptation, and having previously read the book I can only say that the movie wasn't nearly as relentlessly depressing as Dickens' novel. And in that context, that's actually a criticism of the film as an adaptation.

Bebe's sister Jessie Cave, meanwhile, is this premiere's third Harry Potter alumni : she played Lavender Brown in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, as well as The Deathly Hallows Part 1 and The Deathly Hallows Part 2.

Bebe's sister Jessie Cave, meanwhile, is this premiere's third Harry Potter alumni : she played Lavender Brown in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, as well as The Deathly Hallows Part 1 and The Deathly Hallows Part 2.

"You have a choice of asking for my autograph with either "...if you don't I'll creepily stalk you forever" or "....please". One is way cooler than the other"

"You have a choice of asking for my autograph with either "...if you don't I'll creepily stalk you forever" or "....please". One is way cooler than the other"

"I''ll have you know this dress was once a famous 15th Century tapestry hanging in the main chamber of a very devout Abbott. Although the high-heels are of a more contemporary design....."

"I''ll have you know this dress was once a famous 15th Century tapestry hanging in the main chamber of a very devout Abbott. Although the high-heels are of a more contemporary design....."

"You're awesome and I love you.... and I'm saying that politely and dismissively as I head inside where it's warm. But we'll always have this moment... which you'll remember forever and I'll immediately forget". I might have cribbed this from any number of breakups I've been party to.

"You're awesome and I love you.... and I'm saying that politely and dismissively as I head inside where it's warm. But we'll always have this moment... which you'll remember forever and I'll immediately forget". I might have cribbed this from any number of breakups I've been party to.

"I don't trust any of these people, but fortunately the pearls and gemstone I'm wearing are all so heavy I'd notice immediately if anything got stolen..."

"I don't trust any of these people, but fortunately the pearls and gemstone I'm wearing are all so heavy I'd notice immediately if anything got stolen..."

So... that was another premiere for The Archive of Premieres. And I enjoyed that I eventually shifted location and got out of the unseasonably cold wind, which isn't something I can say every First Day Of Summer. And who knows I might even watch the movie, which apparently counts as among its plaudits that it's "Gorgeously Shot, Gloriously Mad and Wildly Horrifying". Earlier this year, watched Batman v Superman : Dawn of Justice, of which much the same could be said.

Until next time!

PS. If you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal, feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook by clicking here. You can also share this journal, comment on it below, or bask in the glory of QLD going one game up in the best of three State of Origin Series today (WOO!!).