31 May - 'The Neon Demon' premiere in 2mins 35secs

May 31st, 2016.

Most premieres last for about half an hour to an hour, from first person in the movie arriving to last person from the movie entering the cinema. The longest one I can remember recently is probably Captain America Civil War which went for nearly TWO HOURS. But certainly, especially at small locations with relatively few attendees, premieres can be short - less than half an hour. And sometimes a premiere can last less than twenty minutes, although that's rare. I'd certainly struggle to recall any shorter than 10 minutes.

Welcome to a premiere that was over in 2minutes 35seconds.

Here's how.... quickly!

It's T-minus 2hrs or so, and we start our tale at Picturehouse Central (I've got my back turned to it for this photo), home of only one previous premiere I've attended : that for "Kill Your Friends" last year,

It's T-minus 2hrs or so, and we start our tale at Picturehouse Central (I've got my back turned to it for this photo), home of only one previous premiere I've attended : that for "Kill Your Friends" last year,

Length is often a function of size. For premieres, I mean (get your mind out of the gutter, people).  For "Kill Your Friends" last year, I occupied a urine-stained spot in the dark far corner of the sole pen that was on the left. So while I'm concerned about this premiere, I'm not exactly nostalgic for the last one.

Length is often a function of size. For premieres, I mean (get your mind out of the gutter, people).  For "Kill Your Friends" last year, I occupied a urine-stained spot in the dark far corner of the sole pen that was on the left. So while I'm concerned about this premiere, I'm not exactly nostalgic for the last one.

T-minus 1hr, and we have a red carpet. However, it doesn't look like the kind of red carpet that (say) Keanu Reeves (who is in this movie) would fly all the way from (say) Los Angeles to walk upon. No matter how good those Triceratops Ribs being hawked by the neon sign in the background might be.

T-minus 1hr, and we have a red carpet. However, it doesn't look like the kind of red carpet that (say) Keanu Reeves (who is in this movie) would fly all the way from (say) Los Angeles to walk upon. No matter how good those Triceratops Ribs being hawked by the neon sign in the background might be.

T-Minus one hour. There is a brief flurry of excitement as this gentleman arrives and is harangued into signing some autographs by Dealers in the crowd more knowledgeable about his identity than I. He's not in the film, though.

T-Minus one hour. There is a brief flurry of excitement as this gentleman arrives and is harangued into signing some autographs by Dealers in the crowd more knowledgeable about his identity than I. He's not in the film, though.

There are suddenly not one but three brief flurries of excitement, but no autographs are dispensed, let alone eye-contact made, let alone any acknowledgement of existance given. (I'm sorry I was given to understand what I do is inherently sexy... where am I going wrong?)

There are suddenly not one but three brief flurries of excitement, but no autographs are dispensed, let alone eye-contact made, let alone any acknowledgement of existance given. (I'm sorry I was given to understand what I do is inherently sexy... where am I going wrong?)

Timestamp 18:31:44. With apologies to that most venerable company, I wouldn't ordinarily post a blurry shot from my Nikon (Pentax - sure, that's de rigeur) but this is the first photo of the first arrival from the movie : actress Elle Fanning.

Timestamp 18:31:44.
With apologies to that most venerable company, I wouldn't ordinarily post a blurry shot from my Nikon (Pentax - sure, that's de rigeur) but this is the first photo of the first arrival from the movie : actress Elle Fanning.

"Hey y'all. I've got 30 seconds less time to spend with you than the runtime of Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods"...." I'll leave it to you to puzzle out how I know the runtime of Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods". (Also, the youtube clip of that song is over 100 seconds longer than this premiere)

"Hey y'all. I've got 30 seconds less time to spend with you than the runtime of Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods"...." I'll leave it to you to puzzle out how I know the runtime of Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods". (Also, the youtube clip of that song is over 100 seconds longer than this premiere)

"If you want Miss Fanning to sign your stuff, please hold them out in one continuous sequence so she can run her pen along it. That's all I can guarantee. If you're lucky"

"If you want Miss Fanning to sign your stuff, please hold them out in one continuous sequence so she can run her pen along it. That's all I can guarantee. If you're lucky"

"They wrote a sequel or prequel to 'Drive', but I don't think it was 'Walk' like you're suggesting..."

"They wrote a sequel or prequel to 'Drive', but I don't think it was 'Walk' like you're suggesting..."

Nicolas Winding Refn directed Drive (which I thought was fantastic), Only God Forgives (which was a bit trickier to love but it had moments), and Valhalla Rising (which I thought was a fantastic 20minute movie with an additional 73 minutes of irritating afterthought appended to it)

Nicolas Winding Refn directed Drive (which I thought was fantastic), Only God Forgives (which was a bit trickier to love but it had moments), and Valhalla Rising (which I thought was a fantastic 20minute movie with an additional 73 minutes of irritating afterthought appended to it)

"My name is long and unwieldy and at 1 minute into this thing we're almost a third of the way through this premiere. So I'm going to have to sign with "NWR" or maybe just a squiggle and a lower case 'r "

"My name is long and unwieldy and at 1 minute into this thing we're almost a third of the way through this premiere. So I'm going to have to sign with "NWR" or maybe just a squiggle and a lower case 'r "

"For me having to be in a photo with somebody I've never met? This IS my Happy Face"

"For me having to be in a photo with somebody I've never met? This IS my Happy Face"

"So I gotta ask.... why does a sweet and lovely little romance between Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan have to turn into an ultraviolent death-fest in 'Drive'?" "....." "Other than 'because it has to', I mean"

"So I gotta ask.... why does a sweet and lovely little romance between Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan have to turn into an ultraviolent death-fest in 'Drive'?"
"....."
"Other than 'because it has to', I mean"

"That guy over there pronounces it "Male-Efficient"? Me too!". Elle Fanning was in that film (Maleficent), which I haven't watched; but she was excellent in any number of acting roles from 'Super 8' to 'Ginger and Rosa', the premiere of which I most recently photographed her in 2012.

"That guy over there pronounces it "Male-Efficient"? Me too!". Elle Fanning was in that film (Maleficent), which I haven't watched; but she was excellent in any number of acting roles from 'Super 8' to 'Ginger and Rosa', the premiere of which I most recently photographed her in 2012.

"Or.... you could, you know, sign more autographs?" "What's the point? There's barely a minute left to go...."

"Or.... you could, you know, sign more autographs?"
"What's the point? There's barely a minute left to go...."

"Super 8 probably won't get a 'Super 9' sequel or 'Super 7' prequel, but given I was in a Disney live-action movie, I should be in a Marvel franchise any day now!!"

"Super 8 probably won't get a 'Super 9' sequel or 'Super 7' prequel, but given I was in a Disney live-action movie, I should be in a Marvel franchise any day now!!"

"You want me to authorise you to sign autographs on my behalf once I've gone inside? Given I just met you and your beanie is amazing, that seems reasonable and in no way likely to back-fire badly"

"You want me to authorise you to sign autographs on my behalf once I've gone inside? Given I just met you and your beanie is amazing, that seems reasonable and in no way likely to back-fire badly"

"A power of attorney? But I'm barely young enough to drive! Also I'm horrified I just made a 'Drive' pun at a Winding Refn premiere..."

"A power of attorney? But I'm barely young enough to drive! Also I'm horrified I just made a 'Drive' pun at a Winding Refn premiere..."

Meanwhile, on the other side, nobody moves... just letting the brief moment ride for a short little while. (In the context of this premiere, a brief moment might constitute 5% or 6% of the length of the event).

Meanwhile, on the other side, nobody moves... just letting the brief moment ride for a short little while. (In the context of this premiere, a brief moment might constitute 5% or 6% of the length of the event).

Timestamp 18:34:19. "Guys, I realise for you it's been a really quick event, but for me it's been an eternity. That's kind of how relativity works, and right now I need to get inside REALLY relatively quickly." And we? We are done. (Was it good for you?)

Timestamp 18:34:19.
"Guys, I realise for you it's been a really quick event, but for me it's been an eternity. That's kind of how relativity works, and right now I need to get inside REALLY relatively quickly."

And we? We are done. (Was it good for you?)

This premiere was over almost before it began. But obviously not quite. Because that's not how time works.

This premiere was over almost before it began. But obviously not quite. Because that's not how time works.

I almost feel like saying sorry, Baby. Because I don't know what happened. It usually lasts longer than this. I'm really tired now, but let's try again tomorrow?

To put it into context, this premiere took 4 to 8 times less time from start to finish than my 12GB iPhone takes to sync and backup to iTunes. Which makes it a short premiere(but also : wtf, Apple? It's a 12GB iPhone and it's taking almost 20minutes to backup a device where almost nothing changes on a daily basis!).

Still, it's another for The Archive of Movie Premieres, and a surprisingly early night for me in advance of another premiere scheduled for tomorrow. (woo!).

Until next time!

PS. If you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal, feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook by clicking here. You can also share this journal, comment on it below, or tell me about things you've enjoyed that lasted less than 3mins 25seconds if you want.