10 May - The 'Alice Through The Looking Glass' Premiere

May 10th, 2016.

Some six years ago, just a short time before I headed back to Australia initially, I attended the original Alice in Wonderland premiere. It was huge and it was... well, it was awful. It was crowded, I had no chance of getting a good position, I was row four on a cold dark evening, waiting for hours... and then it rained. Heavily.

This time around... almost but not quite the same, yet different. Here's how it went down:

We start this premiere with my tale of woe relating to the method of handing out wristbands at this event, which was handled with such a lack of elan that it took not one but FOUR of M&A Security's finest AN HOUR to hand out wristbands until I finally got mine, and I was in the high hundreds. That's barely 1 every 20 seconds, and they were working off a NUMERICAL ORDER LIST. And half the people weren't even there.

We start this premiere with my tale of woe relating to the method of handing out wristbands at this event, which was handled with such a lack of elan that it took not one but FOUR of M&A Security's finest AN HOUR to hand out wristbands until I finally got mine, and I was in the high hundreds. That's barely 1 every 20 seconds, and they were working off a NUMERICAL ORDER LIST. And half the people weren't even there.

"I think it's a bit unfair to call us incompetent just because four year olds would need to deliberately try to be less efficient and less equitable."

"I think it's a bit unfair to call us incompetent just because four year olds would need to deliberately try to be less efficient and less equitable."

"The map is a bit complicated. Might just put people where I feel like at any moment. It's what Sun Tzu would do if this was a war and he was in charge of strategy"

"The map is a bit complicated. Might just put people where I feel like at any moment. It's what Sun Tzu would do if this was a war and he was in charge of strategy"

I/we got to the premiere and learned that in spite of our wristbands, the main area was by now closed and full. Then about half an hour later, people were being actively guided to those same pens without wristbands to fill up the empty spaces. (So if the UK votes to leave the European Union, they are building a wall around this island WITH THESE PEOPLE INSIDE).

I/we got to the premiere and learned that in spite of our wristbands, the main area was by now closed and full. Then about half an hour later, people were being actively guided to those same pens without wristbands to fill up the empty spaces. (So if the UK votes to leave the European Union, they are building a wall around this island WITH THESE PEOPLE INSIDE).

Multiple sniffer dogs? I wasn't aware that people hated the last Alice in Wonderland quite this much.

Multiple sniffer dogs? I wasn't aware that people hated the last Alice in Wonderland quite this much.

The curse of being really, really, ridiculously good looking claims another victim. Please make a donation to your local themed charity if you can.

The curse of being really, really, ridiculously good looking claims another victim. Please make a donation to your local themed charity if you can.

An early and unannounced arrival - actress Isla Fisher, wife of Sacha Baron Cohen (he's in this movie). I last photographed her at the premiere of "Grimsby" earlier this year.

An early and unannounced arrival - actress Isla Fisher, wife of Sacha Baron Cohen (he's in this movie). I last photographed her at the premiere of "Grimsby" earlier this year.

"It you're looking for words that rhyme with "Alice", "Through", "Looking" and "Glass", please press one". Your friend and mine Mr Impact and DJ Blue Liquid were indahouse, giving out freeness and inspiration.

"It you're looking for words that rhyme with "Alice", "Through", "Looking" and "Glass", please press one". Your friend and mine Mr Impact and DJ Blue Liquid were indahouse, giving out freeness and inspiration.

"It says it's 26 o'clock and -12 minutes. I'm not sure this watchface is linked to the Atomic Clock in Geneva..."

"It says it's 26 o'clock and -12 minutes. I'm not sure this watchface is linked to the Atomic Clock in Geneva..."

Sacha Baron Cohen plays the character (and/or notion and/or fourth-dimensional metaphysical representation) of "Time" in this movie. I guess that means Disney has trademarked that too, now.

Sacha Baron Cohen plays the character (and/or notion and/or fourth-dimensional metaphysical representation) of "Time" in this movie. I guess that means Disney has trademarked that too, now.

"It's not that I don't trust you all, but you're clearly the kind of people who'd wait many hours in the rain just to mix with the likes of me, and that's not exactly normal."

"It's not that I don't trust you all, but you're clearly the kind of people who'd wait many hours in the rain just to mix with the likes of me, and that's not exactly normal."

At most premieres I deliberately choose a spot that provides multiple angles of the goings-on so I've always got something interesting to photograph. At this premiere my view was more or less limited to only what was going on at the stairs. Which in this case was certainly... something!

At most premieres I deliberately choose a spot that provides multiple angles of the goings-on so I've always got something interesting to photograph. At this premiere my view was more or less limited to only what was going on at the stairs. Which in this case was certainly... something!

"As long as my pose remains precisely *this* awesome, there's no way they can tell me to move on."

"As long as my pose remains precisely *this* awesome, there's no way they can tell me to move on."

"Tell them I want four large jalapeno and jam flavoured popcorns. Because I'm the executive producer and it's in my contract, that's why." Tim Burton directed the original live action remake / reboot of Alice in Wonderland in 2010.

"Tell them I want four large jalapeno and jam flavoured popcorns. Because I'm the executive producer and it's in my contract, that's why." Tim Burton directed the original live action remake / reboot of Alice in Wonderland in 2010.

"I could sign autographs, but the lady behind me has the pen. And it would be annoying to have to ask her to hand it over, not to mention time-consuming, and possibly even fraught with motal danger."

"I could sign autographs, but the lady behind me has the pen. And it would be annoying to have to ask her to hand it over, not to mention time-consuming, and possibly even fraught with motal danger."

"Now I'd better check on that popcorn order."

"Now I'd better check on that popcorn order."

"And all I really wanted to do was wear this into yesterday's X-Men: Apocalypse premiere...."

"And all I really wanted to do was wear this into yesterday's X-Men: Apocalypse premiere...."

"Is there a technical term for the original sequel to a remake of a prior adaptation? I'd probably go with "opportunistic" ". Then again, Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland made over $1billion worldwide back in 2010. There's a fine line between 'opportunistic' and 'inevitable'

"Is there a technical term for the original sequel to a remake of a prior adaptation? I'd probably go with "opportunistic" ". Then again, Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland made over $1billion worldwide back in 2010. There's a fine line between 'opportunistic' and 'inevitable'

Australia's own Mia Wasikowska was a finalist in the 2011 National Portrait Gallery photographic prize in Australia. So deep down, you know she's also judging you on the way you're taking that selfie.

Australia's own Mia Wasikowska was a finalist in the 2011 National Portrait Gallery photographic prize in Australia. So deep down, you know she's also judging you on the way you're taking that selfie.

"This Disney movie as part of their Star Wars cinematic universe?"

"This Disney movie as part of their Star Wars cinematic universe?"

"Those shoes look ridiculous. Wanna swap?"

"Those shoes look ridiculous. Wanna swap?"

"I'll get onto making that riveting historical drama right after I do the combined Jump Street / Men In Black movie....." - Director James Bobin also directed The Muppets Most Wanted back in 2014, and yes, there really is set to be a 21/22 Jump Street sequel-slash-Men-In-Black-reboot.  It's been announced. By real people. Who were probably wearing suits at the time.

"I'll get onto making that riveting historical drama right after I do the combined Jump Street / Men In Black movie....." - Director James Bobin also directed The Muppets Most Wanted back in 2014, and yes, there really is set to be a 21/22 Jump Street sequel-slash-Men-In-Black-reboot.  It's been announced. By real people. Who were probably wearing suits at the time.

"Hey, peeps. I can do hugs, selfies or autographs. Or dirty limericks if I'm feeling particularly inspired" - the main draw at this premiere Johnny Depp has arrived, security in tow

"Hey, peeps. I can do hugs, selfies or autographs. Or dirty limericks if I'm feeling particularly inspired" - the main draw at this premiere Johnny Depp has arrived, security in tow

"That guy over there might owe me five dollars. Then again, might not" Fortunately, in light of this premiere's minimal content, I've photographed Johnny Depp before at recent premieres like Mortdecai, Black Mass and... uh... The Lone Ranger.

"That guy over there might owe me five dollars. Then again, might not" Fortunately, in light of this premiere's minimal content, I've photographed Johnny Depp before at recent premieres like Mortdecai, Black Mass and... uh... The Lone Ranger.

"Your tie has insufficient contrast, and I don't like insufficient contrast"

"Your tie has insufficient contrast, and I don't like insufficient contrast"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're running short on time, so you're going to have to double up on selfies, choose first or last initials for autographs, and the dirty limericks will be downgraded to non-profound haikus"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're running short on time, so you're going to have to double up on selfies, choose first or last initials for autographs, and the dirty limericks will be downgraded to non-profound haikus"

So... that was that. It wasn't the best premiere of the last three days, but it is the last for a little while. It started late, it ended late, the wristband procedure was written in crayon by a Romanian bricklayer giving instructions on how to get to the nearest village, and implemented by the kind of people who shouldn't be allowed to handle anything sharper than a damp sponge. But some of the security staff were quite friendly, I was in a dealer-less pen, and I might even get a decent night's sleep sometime, and at least it's another entry into the Archive of Movie premieres.

Until next time!

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