5 May - The 'Our Kind of Traitor' UK Gala

May 5th, 2016.

Some days I don't feel like I should even mention the name of the premieres I attend, on the off-chance I inadvertently do a better job promoting a movie than the event itself does.

That was more or less the case today, for the film "Our Kind Of Traitor". In their defence, it was only a UK Gala. In mine... uh.... I appear not to have a life. Consider this journal an entreaty for anyone who can advise me on how to get one.

Here's how it kind of pointlessly went down:

It's not exactly Westfield Shoppingtown, with 2400 fans getting numbered wristbands 1-2 days in advance. But we do at least have witches hats. I repeat : witches hats.

It's not exactly Westfield Shoppingtown, with 2400 fans getting numbered wristbands 1-2 days in advance. But we do at least have witches hats. I repeat : witches hats.

The last time I was at a premiere based on a John LeCarre novel, it was for "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" and it was attended by no less than Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Colin Firth, Gary Oldman and John LeCarre himself. Today? Uh... well. Ewan McGregor will not be attending, But a cute vacuum cleaner will!

The last time I was at a premiere based on a John LeCarre novel, it was for "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" and it was attended by no less than Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Colin Firth, Gary Oldman and John LeCarre himself. Today? Uh... well. Ewan McGregor will not be attending, But a cute vacuum cleaner will!

We've been waiting for about an hour longer than usual (to clarify, the event is not running late, it's just got a later start than usual) (although I think they were also running a bit late), and even some concrete statues on surrounding buildings are reporting further erosion as time passes.

We've been waiting for about an hour longer than usual (to clarify, the event is not running late, it's just got a later start than usual) (although I think they were also running a bit late), and even some concrete statues on surrounding buildings are reporting further erosion as time passes.

Time passes. Birds evolve different means of movement. Glaciers melt. Star Wars movies get even more disappointing.

Time passes. Birds evolve different means of movement. Glaciers melt. Star Wars movies get even more disappointing.

More time passes. The UK votes to stay in the EU, but EU then votes to kick the UK out anyway. Pentax buys out Apple, inc. The moon secedes from Earth, saying it wants a change. Seahorses win majority in Chinese parliament. I forget what premiere I'm here to photograph.

More time passes. The UK votes to stay in the EU, but EU then votes to kick the UK out anyway. Pentax buys out Apple, inc. The moon secedes from Earth, saying it wants a change. Seahorses win majority in Chinese parliament. I forget what premiere I'm here to photograph.

Andy Serkis arrives. He's not even in this movie. Nothing makes sense.

Andy Serkis arrives. He's not even in this movie. Nothing makes sense.

"The original cast are long since gone, but their great-great-great-grandkids will attend this event on their behalf."

"The original cast are long since gone, but their great-great-great-grandkids will attend this event on their behalf."

Andy Serkis : "It appears to be a photo of you outside a library. What am I supposed to make of that??"

Andy Serkis : "It appears to be a photo of you outside a library. What am I supposed to make of that??"

Excitingly, I know who this is (or rather, that I've photographed him before). And even more excitingly : he's IN THIS MOVIE! Alec Utgoff was also in (and at the premere of) Jack Ryan : Shadow Recruit, and was also in San Andreas, and Mission Impossible Rogue Nation

Excitingly, I know who this is (or rather, that I've photographed him before). And even more excitingly : he's IN THIS MOVIE! Alec Utgoff was also in (and at the premere of) Jack Ryan : Shadow Recruit, and was also in San Andreas, and Mission Impossible Rogue Nation

"Russians are our friends now.... right?" Even if they were born in the Ukraine and brought up in the United Kingdom, as is the case with Alec Utgoff, the answer is : hopefully.

"Russians are our friends now.... right?" Even if they were born in the Ukraine and brought up in the United Kingdom, as is the case with Alec Utgoff, the answer is : hopefully.

"Hi. My name's Richard. I'm not actually in this movie, but I appreciate the attention you're giving me"

"Hi. My name's Richard. I'm not actually in this movie, but I appreciate the attention you're giving me"

"Our Kind Of Traitor" has a cast listing that includes such luminaries as Ewan McGregor (not in attendance but I last photographed him at "The Impossible"), Stellan Skarsgård (not in attendance but I last photographed him at "Thor the Dark World"), Alicia von Rittberg (not in attendance but I photographed her at the premiere of "Fury"), and Mark Gatiss (not in attendance but I last photographed him at The 2016 Olivier Awards)

"Our Kind Of Traitor" has a cast listing that includes such luminaries as Ewan McGregor (not in attendance but I last photographed him at "The Impossible"), Stellan Skarsgård (not in attendance but I last photographed him at "Thor the Dark World"), Alicia von Rittberg (not in attendance but I photographed her at the premiere of "Fury"), and Mark Gatiss (not in attendance but I last photographed him at The 2016 Olivier Awards)

Susanna White most famously directed Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang (which I sadly neither I nor the five year old son I don't actually have, have not yet had time to watch) but also four episodes of 'Generation Kill'  in 2008 (which I did) - AND she directed this movie! And is attending this event!

Susanna White most famously directed Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang (which I sadly neither I nor the five year old son I don't actually have, have not yet had time to watch) but also four episodes of 'Generation Kill'  in 2008 (which I did) - AND she directed this movie! And is attending this event!

"She's wearing my coat. Had I been the one wearing it, it would have really brought out the blue in my eyes". Damian Lewis is best known for being in the TV Series "Homeland" and throwing cool gang signs at me a couple of Baftas ago. AND he's also in this movie.

"She's wearing my coat. Had I been the one wearing it, it would have really brought out the blue in my eyes". Damian Lewis is best known for being in the TV Series "Homeland" and throwing cool gang signs at me a couple of Baftas ago. AND he's also in this movie.

"Ewan McGregor? I last saw him back at the bar, downing shots of sambuca and saying he'd rather end up comatose on the floor than sign Star Wars posters. Or that's what he told me to tell you all. Actually I haven't spoken to him recently. I hope you all watch and enjoy the movie, though.."

"Ewan McGregor? I last saw him back at the bar, downing shots of sambuca and saying he'd rather end up comatose on the floor than sign Star Wars posters. Or that's what he told me to tell you all. Actually I haven't spoken to him recently. I hope you all watch and enjoy the movie, though.."

"I can't proofread all your resumes, people. There isn't time"

"I can't proofread all your resumes, people. There isn't time"

"If you want to crop the photo so it looks more like I'm wearing a dress, please do so" - Naomie Harris is best known for playing the part of Miss Moneypenny in the recent James Bond films "Skyfall" and "Spectre"

"If you want to crop the photo so it looks more like I'm wearing a dress, please do so" - Naomie Harris is best known for playing the part of Miss Moneypenny in the recent James Bond films "Skyfall" and "Spectre"

"I can just stand here if you like. Feel free to compliment me on my purse, and to theorise upon what the remaining letter or letters on it are"

"I can just stand here if you like. Feel free to compliment me on my purse, and to theorise upon what the remaining letter or letters on it are"

"Check it out. I can sell your coat online for you, and have the cash paid into your account within a few minutes. I'll be deducting a small transaction fee, of course.."

"Check it out. I can sell your coat online for you, and have the cash paid into your account within a few minutes. I'll be deducting a small transaction fee, of course.."

"I'll pay cash for it right now!". And if it means this premiere can be over sooner, I'll even outbid.

"I'll pay cash for it right now!". And if it means this premiere can be over sooner, I'll even outbid.

"Most of the people on the poster aren't here. If you could sign on their behalf and maybe write a few words of apology for them it'd really be appreciated"

"Most of the people on the poster aren't here. If you could sign on their behalf and maybe write a few words of apology for them it'd really be appreciated"

So... that was some kind of thing. It was certainly no "Captain America : Civil War" - whether in Colour or Monochrome....  but then again not all events can or should be. Good news : more premieres are scheduled in the coming week and weeks. As soon as this Sunday, actually. So I'll quickly put this into The Archive of Premieres where it will soon be forgotten and buried, and leave it at that. Until next time!

PS. If you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal (whether exciting or trivial), feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook by clicking here