30 June - The 'Magic Mike XXL' European Premiere

June 30th, 2015.

It's been over two and a half weeks since my last premiere - a bloc of three in three days featuring The Cast of the TV-series-now-Movie 'Entourage', Magneto hugging Picard at 'Mr Holmes' and Sandra Bullock at the premiere of the animated movie 'Minions'. What have I been doing in the meantime? Well... as long as you don't ask any follow-up questions, I've been fighting crime.

But of course the forces of evil can wait a few hours when there's a premiere on. Here's how it went down:

The crowd at this premiere is skewed about 85% female, and I suspect this might be why. Sadly, I am not capable of presenting quite this kind of body to members of the opposite sex. For one thing, I'm not two dimensional and monochrome on a poster.

The crowd at this premiere is skewed about 85% female, and I suspect this might be why. Sadly, I am not capable of presenting quite this kind of body to members of the opposite sex. For one thing, I'm not two dimensional and monochrome on a poster.

This is why I'M at this premiere. Amber Heard, who I last photographed with husband Johnny Depp at the premiere of Mortdecai earlier this year.

This is why I'M at this premiere. Amber Heard, who I last photographed with husband Johnny Depp at the premiere of Mortdecai earlier this year.

Our host at this premiere is Laura Whitmore, whose legs are long enough that I'm going Dutch Tilt and black'n'white for this shot. Because... you know... Art.

Our host at this premiere is Laura Whitmore, whose legs are long enough that I'm going Dutch Tilt and black'n'white for this shot. Because... you know... Art.

"If Channing Tatum was standing right here, I'd have a photograph of Channing Tatum already...." Sadly for her, or alternatively, as previously established I'm more of a Jason Statham type...

"If Channing Tatum was standing right here, I'd have a photograph of Channing Tatum already...." Sadly for her, or alternatively, as previously established I'm more of a Jason Statham type...

"I can't let him see me like this. But if I can't fix this, I'm going to have to INSIST he see me only like this".

"I can't let him see me like this. But if I can't fix this, I'm going to have to INSIST he see me only like this".

Our first arrival is Jada Pinkett-Smith, who sadly remains (along with Monica Belluci) the only two cast-members of The Matrix Trilogy I've ever photographed. Even more weirdly, I've photographed her already - at the deluge of the "Madagascar 2" premiere back in 2009.

Our first arrival is Jada Pinkett-Smith, who sadly remains (along with Monica Belluci) the only two cast-members of The Matrix Trilogy I've ever photographed. Even more weirdly, I've photographed her already - at the deluge of the "Madagascar 2" premiere back in 2009.

"Sure, I can happily sign that poster. But you do realise I'm not actually IN Guardians of the Galaxy". According to imdb.com, not even one of Jada Pinkett Smith's four most well-known roles is for two-thirds of The Matrix Trilogy.

"Sure, I can happily sign that poster. But you do realise I'm not actually IN Guardians of the Galaxy". According to imdb.com, not even one of Jada Pinkett Smith's four most well-known roles is for two-thirds of The Matrix Trilogy.

Once again, my GoPro comes in exceedingly handy among the crush near the stage. Actually the crush wasn't too bad : I think I'm still the owner of my two kidneys, appendix and spleen.

Once again, my GoPro comes in exceedingly handy among the crush near the stage. Actually the crush wasn't too bad : I think I'm still the owner of my two kidneys, appendix and spleen.

"I'm NOT Zoe Saldana, people!! But, yes, I'll sign your frikkin Avatar and Star Trek DVDs..."

"I'm NOT Zoe Saldana, people!! But, yes, I'll sign your frikkin Avatar and Star Trek DVDs..."

Adam Rodriguez is in this movie, and is not Amber Heard. But his jacket's gridline pattern is helping my Pentax K3 focus (the preferred - and older - K5 is currently receiving medical treatment for injuries sustained at a non-premiere altercation)

Adam Rodriguez is in this movie, and is not Amber Heard. But his jacket's gridline pattern is helping my Pentax K3 focus (the preferred - and older - K5 is currently receiving medical treatment for injuries sustained at a non-premiere altercation)

"I can take my shirt off and show my abs anytime, anywhere, Gladys. The male body is BEAUTIFUL, Gladys" Gregory Jacobs is the director of Magic Mike XXL, after having previously been First Assistant Director on the previous Magic Mike film, and the Oceans Trilogy and many other movies

"I can take my shirt off and show my abs anytime, anywhere, Gladys. The male body is BEAUTIFUL, Gladys" Gregory Jacobs is the director of Magic Mike XXL, after having previously been First Assistant Director on the previous Magic Mike film, and the Oceans Trilogy and many other movies

"You guys think I'm Channing Tatum, don't you?" The vest is very fetching, even to a sworn T-Shirt wearer such as myself. But this is Matt Bomer, Emmy Winner and arguably best known for being in the sadly mostly forgotten 2010 movie "In Time", whose premiere he did not attend.

"You guys think I'm Channing Tatum, don't you?" The vest is very fetching, even to a sworn T-Shirt wearer such as myself. But this is Matt Bomer, Emmy Winner and arguably best known for being in the sadly mostly forgotten 2010 movie "In Time", whose premiere he did not attend.

"It's flattering to be objectified for my awesome body. But seriously... what does Channing Tatum have that I don't. *I* wasn't in any of those awful GI Joe movies...."

"It's flattering to be objectified for my awesome body. But seriously... what does Channing Tatum have that I don't. *I* wasn't in any of those awful GI Joe movies...."

"Please sign my anatomically correct Yoga Poses poster" Meanwhile, I'm comfortable admitting that of those guys, I mostly look like the one on the left. No... not in the picture... FAR left.

"Please sign my anatomically correct Yoga Poses poster" Meanwhile, I'm comfortable admitting that of those guys, I mostly look like the one on the left. No... not in the picture... FAR left.

"Staring contest. Right here. Right now". Amber Heard is best known for being sensationally and spectacularly pretty, and sadly not being my girlfriend while I continue to hope Charlize Theron reconsiders my years-long silent pining after her as evidence that we should be together.

"Staring contest. Right here. Right now". Amber Heard is best known for being sensationally and spectacularly pretty, and sadly not being my girlfriend while I continue to hope Charlize Theron reconsiders my years-long silent pining after her as evidence that we should be together.

Amber Heard is one of those people who is so staggeringly beautiful I have trouble remembering what she looks like because there appear to be no actual flaws or imperfections that make her face otherwise memorable. ..... I suppose I should have saved this pretty awesome compliment for somebody not currently married to Johnny Depp....

Amber Heard is one of those people who is so staggeringly beautiful I have trouble remembering what she looks like because there appear to be no actual flaws or imperfections that make her face otherwise memorable. ..... I suppose I should have saved this pretty awesome compliment for somebody not currently married to Johnny Depp....

Amber Heard's gaze passes beyond the VIP Paparazi cordon and finds my camera. My reflexes are fast enough to take the photo, but not fast enough to put down the camera and make *actual* eye-contact. Being a photographer is sometimes all about horrific sacrifices. (although fortunately I have the photo to remind myself of that sacrifice).

Amber Heard's gaze passes beyond the VIP Paparazi cordon and finds my camera. My reflexes are fast enough to take the photo, but not fast enough to put down the camera and make *actual* eye-contact. Being a photographer is sometimes all about horrific sacrifices. (although fortunately I have the photo to remind myself of that sacrifice).

Some days a romantic haiku just ain't enough to win the heart of a fair maiden. Haikus are underrated. (Alternatively, I could set to work on a nine-volume epic poem describing Amber Heard's beauty... but I really would need some assurance that in this day and age this strategy might work. In my favour, I mean...)

Some days a romantic haiku just ain't enough to win the heart of a fair maiden. Haikus are underrated. (Alternatively, I could set to work on a nine-volume epic poem describing Amber Heard's beauty... but I really would need some assurance that in this day and age this strategy might work. In my favour, I mean...)

Meanwhile, on the subject of "arrivals at this premiere who are not Amber Heard" - I don't care who this is. (Edited to add : fine. Joe Manganiello. Best known for arriving after Amber Heard at this premiere and briefly forcing me to photograph him because technically he's in this movie)

Meanwhile, on the subject of "arrivals at this premiere who are not Amber Heard" - I don't care who this is. (Edited to add : fine. Joe Manganiello. Best known for arriving after Amber Heard at this premiere and briefly forcing me to photograph him because technically he's in this movie)

"Tell me how pretty I am!!!" I'm still up to volume four of my Epic Poem dedicated to describing precisely this, and I refuse to present a poem while it's only partially complete.

"Tell me how pretty I am!!!" I'm still up to volume four of my Epic Poem dedicated to describing precisely this, and I refuse to present a poem while it's only partially complete.

"I can sign one autograph, pose for one photo, or politely decline up to two marriage proposals from any guy OR girl in the crowd". I'm not sure how many stanzas of an epic poem are equivalent to two concurrent marriage proposals. Eight? Nine? Alas, I'm still struggling with things that rhyme with "Amber"...

"I can sign one autograph, pose for one photo, or politely decline up to two marriage proposals from any guy OR girl in the crowd". I'm not sure how many stanzas of an epic poem are equivalent to two concurrent marriage proposals. Eight? Nine? Alas, I'm still struggling with things that rhyme with "Amber"...

"Yeah... well.... my TIE is more blue than her dress!!". This much is true. Other than that, I wasn't paying attention to what Joe Manganiello was saying.

"Yeah... well.... my TIE is more blue than her dress!!". This much is true. Other than that, I wasn't paying attention to what Joe Manganiello was saying.

Time to put on those industrial-grade noise-cancelling headphones.... lead actor Channing Tatum has arrived, and is looking dapper. I repeat : Dapper. Commence your screaming, ladies.

Time to put on those industrial-grade noise-cancelling headphones.... lead actor Channing Tatum has arrived, and is looking dapper. I repeat : Dapper. Commence your screaming, ladies.

 Channing Tatum is seemingly who everyone without a Y-chromosome is here to see at this premiere. Alterntively - the high-pitched screaming is drowning out the sound of the low-pitched screaming, if there is any.

 Channing Tatum is seemingly who everyone without a Y-chromosome is here to see at this premiere. Alterntively - the high-pitched screaming is drowning out the sound of the low-pitched screaming, if there is any.

"This is my uncertain face, because I'm not sure how much of the things I'm being asked to do by fans isn't male objectifiction of the grossest kind. It's not the worst kind of objectification, though. By the way, who wants to see my abs?"

"This is my uncertain face, because I'm not sure how much of the things I'm being asked to do by fans isn't male objectifiction of the grossest kind. It's not the worst kind of objectification, though. By the way, who wants to see my abs?"

"You complete me. Also : show those abs!!"

"You complete me. Also : show those abs!!"

"The heckling from the crowd is making me uncomfortable. Did I say 'uncomfortble'? I meant 'making me feel really good about myself' "

"The heckling from the crowd is making me uncomfortable. Did I say 'uncomfortble'? I meant 'making me feel really good about myself' "

"Anyway... I'm gonna head inside where I can be both lusted after AND be in an airconditioned environment"

"Anyway... I'm gonna head inside where I can be both lusted after AND be in an airconditioned environment"

"But... but.... .abs!!!"

"But... but.... .abs!!!"

So... that was some kind of noisy, sweaty, estrogen-charged thing. And Amber Heard and Jada Pinkett Smith attended too. There's another premiere next week, probably even bigger, but with the more regularly expected majority male-skew of fans for Marvel's ANTMAN. However, before that, I have another premiere journal to put into my "Archive of Movie Premieres" - the list of all my premieres is closing in on 300...

Until next time!

ps. if you want to know whenever I post a new premiere journal, feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook at premieresdotco.