09 Dec - The "Daddy's Home" premiere

December 9th, 2015

Just one day ago, I was observing the fine acting powehouses of Redmayne / Vikander / Koch / Schoenaerts promote the adaptation of the lifestory of a transgender pioneer directed by Academy Award-winning director Tom Hooper ('The Danish Girl')

Tonight? Marky Mark vs Zoolander's Mugatu.

Here's how it went down:

"Daddy's Home and Black Mass ought to make quite the double-feature..."

"Daddy's Home and Black Mass ought to make quite the double-feature..."

"Yo... any you guys know which ear belongs to Wahlberg and which one to Ferrell? We mix this up again and Hollywood will never trust us again".

"Yo... any you guys know which ear belongs to Wahlberg and which one to Ferrell? We mix this up again and Hollywood will never trust us again".

Is desperately hoping to one day have Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell fight over his affection. Meanwhile I'm working on the Ghostbusters-esque alternative featuring (say) Charlize Theron and Alice Eve fighting over mine.

Is desperately hoping to one day have Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell fight over his affection. Meanwhile I'm working on the Ghostbusters-esque alternative featuring (say) Charlize Theron and Alice Eve fighting over mine.

My little GoPro remains the only camera I have that can reliably make photos taken into the light look like I'm in the middle of a rock concert or alien invasion.

My little GoPro remains the only camera I have that can reliably make photos taken into the light look like I'm in the middle of a rock concert or alien invasion.

"Squirrel rhymes with Ferrell, but ain't nothing rhymes with Wahlberg" ....your friend and mine Hakeem/ Mr Impact has arrived, with DJ Parental Guidance Recommended in tow

"Squirrel rhymes with Ferrell, but ain't nothing rhymes with Wahlberg" ....your friend and mine Hakeem/ Mr Impact has arrived, with DJ Parental Guidance Recommended in tow

These are either some of the Producers of the film, or perpetrators of one of the less necessary prank-to-get-free-tickets exercises .

These are either some of the Producers of the film, or perpetrators of one of the less necessary prank-to-get-free-tickets exercises .

"It still hurts that the academy didn't give me a best supporting actor nomination for my role in Zoolander. I poured my heart and soul into that film."

"It still hurts that the academy didn't give me a best supporting actor nomination for my role in Zoolander. I poured my heart and soul into that film."

"It says here that you once saved a full-grown bear in a house fire. Did you write these questions?" "I don't know what you're talking about Alex. But that bear was grateful"

"It says here that you once saved a full-grown bear in a house fire. Did you write these questions?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Alex. But that bear was grateful"

"Thanks for the applause, guys. But why not throw watches or car keys? I love trinkets."

"Thanks for the applause, guys. But why not throw watches or car keys? I love trinkets."

"It's lies, lies, LIES, Jennifer. Mark Wahlberg is NOT fitter than me, NOT handsomer, and above all not taller than me. He's just slightly wealthier"

"It's lies, lies, LIES, Jennifer. Mark Wahlberg is NOT fitter than me, NOT handsomer, and above all not taller than me. He's just slightly wealthier"

"That Italian Job remake sequel? It's been twelve years but sure, I'd still be up for it" IMDB still lists The Brazilian Job as 'in development', but it's had that status for over a decade.

"That Italian Job remake sequel? It's been twelve years but sure, I'd still be up for it" IMDB still lists The Brazilian Job as 'in development', but it's had that status for over a decade.

"Mislead you as to the quality of this movie? What?? No!"

"Mislead you as to the quality of this movie? What?? No!"

Me : Get distracted photographing nothing but Dudes on a red carpet.... What?? No!!

Me : Get distracted photographing nothing but Dudes on a red carpet.... What?? No!!

"You want to buy my used car? Why yes it's in perfect condition - a real collectors item!"

"You want to buy my used car? Why yes it's in perfect condition - a real collectors item!"

Mark Wahlberg returns to sign more autographs, pose for more selfies, and clear up deliberate misconceptions started by Will Ferrell earlier.

Mark Wahlberg returns to sign more autographs, pose for more selfies, and clear up deliberate misconceptions started by Will Ferrell earlier.

Among an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor, and a former music career, Mark Walhberg has won a British TV Bafta - for 'Entourage' which he produced and is (allegedly) loosely based on his experiences in Hollywood.

Among an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor, and a former music career, Mark Walhberg has won a British TV Bafta - for 'Entourage' which he produced and is (allegedly) loosely based on his experiences in Hollywood.

"What he said was approximately THIS true. Except for the parts that were outright lies. Those were mostly true"

"What he said was approximately THIS true. Except for the parts that were outright lies. Those were mostly true"

Not creepy. Or unusual.

Not creepy. Or unusual.

"I can pose for up to six selfies, two charcoal sketches and a guache rendering..... but I'd prefer no interpretative dance routines..."

"I can pose for up to six selfies, two charcoal sketches and a guache rendering..... but I'd prefer no interpretative dance routines..."

And then we were kept in the pen for about ten minutes, waiting for the red carpet to be cleared so we could leave. And although both Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell had long since gone inside, there were still random people being interviewed and nobody seemed to have (a) any idea of when we'd be allowed out, or (b) whether Wrongful Imprisonment was, like, a crime anymore.

So what happened is that our pen was asked whether we wanted to watch the film (for free) to which many people said yes... and it seemed like the easiest thing in the world to say 'yes' and then look for a discreet way out of the cinema through any one of a number of doors. So that became the plan.

However, security lined every exit and led us as a group into a cinema where we were... uh... made to sit there until at least the end of the scheduled Q&A. We were also given a bag of maltesers and a bottle of water for our trouble.....

"You're being held here against your will and being made to feel guilty if you don't stay and watch a free movie? No, we didn't know about that, but we think it's a sensational idea, and we plan to do more of that"

"You're being held here against your will and being made to feel guilty if you don't stay and watch a free movie? No, we didn't know about that, but we think it's a sensational idea, and we plan to do more of that"

"Look, we're not lawyers, but we think if you've started eating your bag of Maltesers willingly I don't think this counts as kidnapping. Also please hand over your mobile phones"

"Look, we're not lawyers, but we think if you've started eating your bag of Maltesers willingly I don't think this counts as kidnapping. Also please hand over your mobile phones"

So.. that was kind of fun, and we did eventually (and discreetly) make our exit. It's not that I don't want to watch the movie, it's just that I've got what will be three premieres in three days and what will actually end up already being seven late nights in succession. And the deficit I'm already running on beauty sleep could be used to frighten African dictators with.

.. but there's another one tomorrow, along with (allegedly) rain and Biblical flooding. Can't wait.

Until next time!

 

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