19 Jan 2015 - The 'Mortdecai' UK Premiere

It was less than a week ago that I did my first premier (and it's been barely a week since I got back from Australia) but here we are again in Leicester Square, with the temperature hovering around freezing point and Johnny Depp expected. Which in this case was notable as just this once I actually had something I really wanted to get signed : a photo I'd taken of Mr Depp back at the premiere of "Public Enemies" back in 2009.

Here's how it went down.

Near as I can tell from the trailer, the premise for this film is "Johnny Depp is wacky and everyone wears moustaches". I don't see how this is necessarily different from much that Johnny Depp has done lately, but if it helps me get my 18x12 glossy signed, I'll feign as much enthusiasm as the next guy (or screaming girls)

Near as I can tell from the trailer, the premise for this film is "Johnny Depp is wacky and everyone wears moustaches". I don't see how this is necessarily different from much that Johnny Depp has done lately, but if it helps me get my 18x12 glossy signed, I'll feign as much enthusiasm as the next guy (or screaming girls)

Apropos of nothing, I do believe that there is going to be an upcoming premiere for a Spongebob Squarepants movie. I don't believe Johnny Depp is involved in that project... but I'd probably be more intrigued about it if he was.

Apropos of nothing, I do believe that there is going to be an upcoming premiere for a Spongebob Squarepants movie. I don't believe Johnny Depp is involved in that project... but I'd probably be more intrigued about it if he was.

"I'm too young to even remember the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie... but I like moustaches!!"

"I'm too young to even remember the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie... but I like moustaches!!"

Although I didn't bringn it, my monopod extends to 1.8m. If there's an arms race for photographic reach, I intend to win it if it comes to that. (File note to self : need to find a place that sells dirigibles online.. if it comes to that)

Although I didn't bringn it, my monopod extends to 1.8m. If there's an arms race for photographic reach, I intend to win it if it comes to that. (File note to self : need to find a place that sells dirigibles online.. if it comes to that)

Our first arrival is director David Koepp. He's even better known for being a screenwriter, helping to pen such screenplays as Jurassic Park, the first Mission Impossible, and... oh. Wait. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. (in his defense, he didn't come up with the story...)

Our first arrival is director David Koepp. He's even better known for being a screenwriter, helping to pen such screenplays as Jurassic Park, the first Mission Impossible, and... oh. Wait. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. (in his defense, he didn't come up with the story...)

It's the man we're all here to see : JOHNNY DEPP! (though, now having seen Amber Heard, I'm quite happy to see more of her) (once Johnny Depp has signed my photo... )

It's the man we're all here to see : JOHNNY DEPP! (though, now having seen Amber Heard, I'm quite happy to see more of her) (once Johnny Depp has signed my photo... )

"Don't smile, dear. These guys will see it as a sign of aggression"  

"Don't smile, dear. These guys will see it as a sign of aggression"
 

"No more than this. Any more and it will enrage them"

"No more than this. Any more and it will enrage them"

"You're tall. Taller than that kid behind me". Amber Heard doesn't say much, but what she does is factually accurate.

"You're tall. Taller than that kid behind me". Amber Heard doesn't say much, but what she does is factually accurate.

"Keep snapping away boys, you'll find I don't have a Bad Side". I think she may be right about that, too.

"Keep snapping away boys, you'll find I don't have a Bad Side". I think she may be right about that, too.

"I'm happy to stand here all day". And I'm happy with that too. Last time I was offered something that good photographically I moronically didn't drop everything to take advantage of it. The lesson being : there are times to be coy and cool, and there are times you say "f**k yes, anytime, anywhere". I need to say that more often. Including the swearwords.

"I'm happy to stand here all day". And I'm happy with that too. Last time I was offered something that good photographically I moronically didn't drop everything to take advantage of it. The lesson being : there are times to be coy and cool, and there are times you say "f**k yes, anytime, anywhere". I need to say that more often. Including the swearwords.

"Just reminding y'all, I know I'm not as pretty as Amber Heard, but I did direct this movie".

"Just reminding y'all, I know I'm not as pretty as Amber Heard, but I did direct this movie".

Meanwhile, here's one errant photo of Paul Bettany, who is also in this film, and possibly even more well known for being 'Jarvis', the robot voice of Iron Man's suit / electronic butler.

Meanwhile, here's one errant photo of Paul Bettany, who is also in this film, and possibly even more well known for being 'Jarvis', the robot voice of Iron Man's suit / electronic butler.

"This Johnny Depp guy you're all screaming for sounds like a pretty awesome guy. Maybe I'll see if he'll sign me one of those autographs". Time for me to grab my photo on its posterboard and hope I don't get deluged by a tidal wave of autograph dealers.

"This Johnny Depp guy you're all screaming for sounds like a pretty awesome guy. Maybe I'll see if he'll sign me one of those autographs". Time for me to grab my photo on its posterboard and hope I don't get deluged by a tidal wave of autograph dealers.

YAY! Sure it's not the best photo (and it's black and white so that artistic blue and yellow from the flash is sadly not a permanent feature of the image) but it's a Johnny Depp autograph on a photo I TOOK! (I'm so lonely..) Oh, and he even complimented me on it! What he said was:

YAY! Sure it's not the best photo (and it's black and white so that artistic blue and yellow from the flash is sadly not a permanent feature of the image) but it's a Johnny Depp autograph on a photo I TOOK! (I'm so lonely..) Oh, and he even complimented me on it! What he said was:

"That's a Nice Piece" (and no, he wasn't talking about my camera. JOHNNY DEPP COMPLIMENTED MY PHOTO!!

"That's a Nice Piece" (and no, he wasn't talking about my camera. JOHNNY DEPP COMPLIMENTED MY PHOTO!!

"You want me to sign 'Lone Ranger' stuff? Oh, very well. As for 'Speed Racer', I'm pretty sure I wasn't in that"

"You want me to sign 'Lone Ranger' stuff? Oh, very well. As for 'Speed Racer', I'm pretty sure I wasn't in that"

"He wouldn't sign my Speed DVD Box Set" "Are you sure he was in those movies? I thought he was in Speed Racer?"

"He wouldn't sign my Speed DVD Box Set"
"Are you sure he was in those movies? I thought he was in Speed Racer?"

"I said "High Five me, BRO!!" Don't leave Terry Gilliam hanging, bro.

"I said "High Five me, BRO!!" Don't leave Terry Gilliam hanging, bro.

Mark Ronson was one half of the people who did the music for this film. His song "Uptown Funk" in 2014 was a UK, US, Australian, French and Irish number one... although truth be told I haven't heard it.

Mark Ronson was one half of the people who did the music for this film. His song "Uptown Funk" in 2014 was a UK, US, Australian, French and Irish number one... although truth be told I haven't heard it.

"Anyway, Peace Out -- if any of y'all can make it past the high barriers and get past security, join me at the bar". But... but... I can't climb over those high barriers.... and I really want to join Johnny Depp at the bar.

"Anyway, Peace Out -- if any of y'all can make it past the high barriers and get past security, join me at the bar". But... but... I can't climb over those high barriers.... and I really want to join Johnny Depp at the bar.

So... that was a rather fun premiere.

Or rather, it would have been, had my hallowed 70-200mm f2.8 Tamron for my Pentax not born the brunt of a 50cm fall onto concrete caused by the strap of my camera not breaking but literally FALLING OFF. To give you an idea of how unlikely this is, that's like losing a key off a keyring by having it fall OFF THE KEYRING. Broadly speaking, so unlikely as to constitute a freak of nature or an act of God.

But, to plagiarise the late Douglas Adams.... which God? And why? (And can I get (say) the Pope or Buddha or Zeus or Chuck Norris to spring for a new lens? Because I NEED that lens).

Argh.

Until next time, and/or until I figure out what to do next... at least it's another one for "The Archive of Movie Premieres"