14 Jan 2015 - The 'Kingsman : The Secret Service' World Premiere

January 14th, 2015.

So, I'm back in town for another year, or however long it ends up being. And the first premiere was... well.... it was so badly organised I now actually hope the movie does badly at the box-office. Which isn't exactly charitable of me, but 2015 is already looking like that kind of year.

Here's how it went down

You may surmise by this photo being in the journal that the premiere didn't go as well as it might have.

You may surmise by this photo being in the journal that the premiere didn't go as well as it might have.

Can I talk briefly about how much I hate this title? It's straight out of the "Batman vs Superman : Dawn of Justice" school of 'we want a memorable title like 'Kingsman' but we're not confident enough to let it stand on its own'. These are the people who would probably insist on renaming the movie "Jaws" as "Jaws : The Big Shark".

Can I talk briefly about how much I hate this title? It's straight out of the "Batman vs Superman : Dawn of Justice" school of 'we want a memorable title like 'Kingsman' but we're not confident enough to let it stand on its own'. These are the people who would probably insist on renaming the movie "Jaws" as "Jaws : The Big Shark".

Moronically, I was told I couldn't stand near the Stage like I wanted to. And even though the purpose of a stage is to be looked at, the way things were designed this stage was to face... nobody. So this was my spot instead. Great view of a tree in front, and an arcing centre behind.

Moronically, I was told I couldn't stand near the Stage like I wanted to. And even though the purpose of a stage is to be looked at, the way things were designed this stage was to face... nobody. So this was my spot instead. Great view of a tree in front, and an arcing centre behind.

You and your 4-year old cousin (and/or the ancient civilisation who came up with the Nazca lines) could also have come up with a premiere layout this ludicrous. (Maybe.)

You and your 4-year old cousin (and/or the ancient civilisation who came up with the Nazca lines) could also have come up with a premiere layout this ludicrous. (Maybe.)

The sky gets darker, the layout keeps changing to cater for the embarassing truth that there are not enough fans, and it looks like it might rain. The only way things could be worse would be if some of the biggest drawcards from the cast - like Samuel L Jackson, Mark Hamill and Michael Caine elected not to attend this WORLD PRMIERE. (Oh... wait. They didn't attend)

The sky gets darker, the layout keeps changing to cater for the embarassing truth that there are not enough fans, and it looks like it might rain. The only way things could be worse would be if some of the biggest drawcards from the cast - like Samuel L Jackson, Mark Hamill and Michael Caine elected not to attend this WORLD PRMIERE. (Oh... wait. They didn't attend)

"Six Across? 'DIRIGIBLE', ma'am. Is this your first crossword?" Wireimage identifies the kid as "Alex Nikolov", who plays 'Young Eggsy' in the film. And I'm not nearly tired enough to fail to consider that odd.

"Six Across? 'DIRIGIBLE', ma'am. Is this your first crossword?" Wireimage identifies the kid as "Alex Nikolov", who plays 'Young Eggsy' in the film. And I'm not nearly tired enough to fail to consider that odd.

Sometimes I'm glad I'm pessimistic enough to shoot three-quarter profiles at thirty meters partially obstructed by park statues.... because sometimes you don't get a better chance at photographing somebody at a premiere. This is doubly annoying as the actor is Taron Egerton, arguably the lead in this film.

Sometimes I'm glad I'm pessimistic enough to shoot three-quarter profiles at thirty meters partially obstructed by park statues.... because sometimes you don't get a better chance at photographing somebody at a premiere. This is doubly annoying as the actor is Taron Egerton, arguably the lead in this film.

"I can either sign this fanfic or I can read it... take your pick" Biggest drawcard of the night : Colin Firth, the only person who came over and signed in our area.

"I can either sign this fanfic or I can read it... take your pick" Biggest drawcard of the night : Colin Firth, the only person who came over and signed in our area.

It's not so much about the bemused smile on Oscar-Winning actor Colin Firth as it is the look of confusion on the guy behind him

It's not so much about the bemused smile on Oscar-Winning actor Colin Firth as it is the look of confusion on the guy behind him

Even more obscured by hair and yellow jackets and mid-park masonry : actress Sophie Cookson, who elected to look pretty and mostly out of sight and not (say) sign autographs, meet fans or be personable. I didn't actually see her scowl at babies and kick cute little bunny rabbits, but in the absence of evidence (and within the limitations of what is considered 'slander') I choose to believe that she did.

Even more obscured by hair and yellow jackets and mid-park masonry : actress Sophie Cookson, who elected to look pretty and mostly out of sight and not (say) sign autographs, meet fans or be personable. I didn't actually see her scowl at babies and kick cute little bunny rabbits, but in the absence of evidence (and within the limitations of what is considered 'slander') I choose to believe that she did.

"And here's a shot I took a few years back with you guys... well... You were a 67% bigger band back then...". Yeah. Band members leaving sucks. In other news, this event was both a world premiere AND a free Take That concert.

"And here's a shot I took a few years back with you guys... well... You were a 67% bigger band back then...". Yeah. Band members leaving sucks. In other news, this event was both a world premiere AND a free Take That concert.

"Please stop calling the pre-split 'Take That' the "good old days". They weren't THAT good. Also, with only three members instead of five, we're splitting the royalties three ways instead of five. It's what every band dreams of!" Gary Barlow is the lead singer of Take That.

"Please stop calling the pre-split 'Take That' the "good old days". They weren't THAT good. Also, with only three members instead of five, we're splitting the royalties three ways instead of five. It's what every band dreams of!" Gary Barlow is the lead singer of Take That.

Nicholas Banks is in the film, but not so high in the credits that I could easily find him. I like the suit jacket, though.

Nicholas Banks is in the film, but not so high in the credits that I could easily find him. I like the suit jacket, though.

Meanwhile, Edward Holcroft is also in this movie, although his name appears far enough down in the imdb listing that it seems several more senior members of the catering team might rank above him.

Meanwhile, Edward Holcroft is also in this movie, although his name appears far enough down in the imdb listing that it seems several more senior members of the catering team might rank above him.

"The breakfast muffins they served on-set were amazing. Those guys deserve the Credit"

"The breakfast muffins they served on-set were amazing. Those guys deserve the Credit"

Mark Millar, meanwhile, wrote the comic upon which this movie is based - and he also wrote Kick-Ass (which was also directed by Matthew Vaughn) which I thought was excellent. Kick-Ass 2 and Wanted, which he also wrote... not so much.

Mark Millar, meanwhile, wrote the comic upon which this movie is based - and he also wrote Kick-Ass (which was also directed by Matthew Vaughn) which I thought was excellent. Kick-Ass 2 and Wanted, which he also wrote... not so much.

"This movie is okay... but you have to admit this suit and tie are fantastic".

"This movie is okay... but you have to admit this suit and tie are fantastic".

I have no idea who this is, but the dress looks ludicrous enough and Colin Firth is completely surrounded by umbrellas off to the side, so what else am I going to photograph right now?

I have no idea who this is, but the dress looks ludicrous enough and Colin Firth is completely surrounded by umbrellas off to the side, so what else am I going to photograph right now?

"I wouldn't have thought that The King's Speech would easily lend itself to a bigger-budget sequel... but maybe a kind of superhero origin story prequel could work"

"I wouldn't have thought that The King's Speech would easily lend itself to a bigger-budget sequel... but maybe a kind of superhero origin story prequel could work"

"I HAVE A VOICE! AND I'M USING IT NOW! GET ME SOME POPCORN CAUSE I'M STAYING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE!"

"I HAVE A VOICE! AND I'M USING IT NOW! GET ME SOME POPCORN CAUSE I'M STAYING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE!"

"Stand here right here...where the hanging tab from the umbrella in the foreground will most frustrate the photographer about ten metres away? Sure, I can do that!". Thanks.

"Stand here right here...where the hanging tab from the umbrella in the foreground will most frustrate the photographer about ten metres away? Sure, I can do that!". Thanks.

This is about the closest I could get to taking a decent photo of Sophie Cookson. Not pictured : midriff-revealing dress completely inappropriate for the weather we're experiencing in London right now. Damnit.

This is about the closest I could get to taking a decent photo of Sophie Cookson. Not pictured : midriff-revealing dress completely inappropriate for the weather we're experiencing in London right now. Damnit.

Meanwhile, actor Taron Egerton briefly gets un-mobbed and I manage to take a quick photo. All things considered, the guy on the top right Wins this shot, though.

Meanwhile, actor Taron Egerton briefly gets un-mobbed and I manage to take a quick photo. All things considered, the guy on the top right Wins this shot, though.

I'm now shooting through people, umbrellas, scaffolding and the metal railings of a makeshift footbridge to try to photograph Taron Egerton. In doing so, I might have missed photographing former Supermodel Claudia Schiffer, something that will probably cause my teenage self to invent a time machine for the express purpose of traveling forward in time to swear at me for.

I'm now shooting through people, umbrellas, scaffolding and the metal railings of a makeshift footbridge to try to photograph Taron Egerton. In doing so, I might have missed photographing former Supermodel Claudia Schiffer, something that will probably cause my teenage self to invent a time machine for the express purpose of traveling forward in time to swear at me for.

This is possibly my past self, with more hair, waiting to punch me for failing to photograph Claudia Schiffer. Alternatively, it might just be a reporter ill-conceivedly dressed in a hoodie, waiting to interview director Matthew Vaughn.

This is possibly my past self, with more hair, waiting to punch me for failing to photograph Claudia Schiffer. Alternatively, it might just be a reporter ill-conceivedly dressed in a hoodie, waiting to interview director Matthew Vaughn.

"I'm going to see if I can find a few more umbrellas just to make it even harder to photograph you" "Good idea" . The Man In The Hat is director Matthew Vaughn.

"I'm going to see if I can find a few more umbrellas just to make it even harder to photograph you"
"Good idea"
. The Man In The Hat is director Matthew Vaughn.

Matthew Vaughn's first two movies were 'Stardust' and 'L4y3r C4k3' (or however that damn movie's name was spelled), neither of which I liked. However, his last two movies were Kick-Ass and X-Men First Class which I thought were very good.

Matthew Vaughn's first two movies were 'Stardust' and 'L4y3r C4k3' (or however that damn movie's name was spelled), neither of which I liked. However, his last two movies were Kick-Ass and X-Men First Class which I thought were very good.

"Is the movie any good? Well... my suit and tie look fantastic, so why wouldn't it be?". Effortless distraction by actor Mark Strong, there.

"Is the movie any good? Well... my suit and tie look fantastic, so why wouldn't it be?". Effortless distraction by actor Mark Strong, there.

The final insult? Turns out that the spot I wanted, facing the stage, was never set up as a public pen... however its conspicuous emptiness meant that at the last moment, the barrier facing front-on about 30m from the stage was opened to anyone wanting to stand there. Argh.

The final insult? Turns out that the spot I wanted, facing the stage, was never set up as a public pen... however its conspicuous emptiness meant that at the last moment, the barrier facing front-on about 30m from the stage was opened to anyone wanting to stand there. Argh.

"I had nothing to do with the layout, so don't be blaming me. That said, while I was given this dress for free I have no problem with accepting compliments for how good I look in it."

"I had nothing to do with the layout, so don't be blaming me. That said, while I was given this dress for free I have no problem with accepting compliments for how good I look in it."

So.... that was that. I've had better. But it's another one for The Archive of Movie Premieres, and arguably that's more important than any single premiere.

Until next time!

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