1 Mar - The 'John Carter' (formerly 'of Mars') premiere

March 1st, 2012.

From what I've been able to gather, "John Carter Of Mars" (as it was originally going to be called) is based on a series of Sci Fi Books by Edgar Rice Burroughs back in the depths of literary antiquity. (I just checked wikipedia : 1912!). Since being published, it seems to have had key elements lifted by everyone from Dune to Star Wars to Flash Gordon, so it's been massively influential. Still... 1912? References to America's Civil War? Aliens?

Quirkier movies have been made, and I've seen many. But would you back the concept with a $250million budget and get the dude from Pixar who did Toy Story and Finding Nemo to direct it? Well... Disney did. Here's how the (much cheaper) premiere went down:

Based on merely the name 'John Carter' you might assume this to be a mobster flick, or a soft-drama starring Tom Hanks. The poster begs to differ, though it's good to see that at least two of the Kardashian sisters are branching out and moving out of reality TV..

Based on merely the name 'John Carter' you might assume this to be a mobster flick, or a soft-drama starring Tom Hanks. The poster begs to differ, though it's good to see that at least two of the Kardashian sisters are branching out and moving out of reality TV..

Something to do with the lighter gravity of Mars (?) means that they had buff dudes without shirts, kangaroo boots, and pounding drum music playing in the buildup. (Mind you I'm not complaining - we got 90 minutes of repetitive Hawaiian Luau music for the premiere of Descendants last October that I'm still trying to get out of my mind)

Something to do with the lighter gravity of Mars (?) means that they had buff dudes without shirts, kangaroo boots, and pounding drum music playing in the buildup. (Mind you I'm not complaining - we got 90 minutes of repetitive Hawaiian Luau music for the premiere of Descendants last October that I'm still trying to get out of my mind)

That's the Moon, not Mars. My lens isn't THAT powerful (and the red tinge is courtesy of a slight tint in photoshop, not pollution or global warming)

That's the Moon, not Mars. My lens isn't THAT powerful (and the red tinge is courtesy of a slight tint in photoshop, not pollution or global warming)

A random cute reporter reads her boyfriend's diary (?), as the setup for the premiere continues and I'm bored because none of the guys in the kangaroo spaceboots have had an accident so far.

A random cute reporter reads her boyfriend's diary (?), as the setup for the premiere continues and I'm bored because none of the guys in the kangaroo spaceboots have had an accident so far.

Taylor Kitsch plays the lead role in the film. According to the morning Metro, he was homeless 10 years ago, "without a credit to his name". Firstly, I didn't know that was the currency in Canada, amd secondly all I know is that pretty much all the photos I've seen of him, he's not wearing a shirt. And not because he was homeless. Dude is ripped, I'm just sayin'

Taylor Kitsch plays the lead role in the film. According to the morning Metro, he was homeless 10 years ago, "without a credit to his name". Firstly, I didn't know that was the currency in Canada, amd secondly all I know is that pretty much all the photos I've seen of him, he's not wearing a shirt. And not because he was homeless. Dude is ripped, I'm just sayin'

You may remember Actress Lynn Collins from her roles The Lake House (with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves) and Number 23 (with Jim Carrey). Or in my case, not, since I studiously avoided both films. (Meanwhile, I'm just struggling with believing that they make zippers that long.)

You may remember Actress Lynn Collins from her roles The Lake House (with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves) and Number 23 (with Jim Carrey). Or in my case, not, since I studiously avoided both films. (Meanwhile, I'm just struggling with believing that they make zippers that long.)

Lynn Collins was also in X-Men Origins : Wolverine (as was Taylor Kitsch), but I also didn't watch that film..... because I have self-respect that bottoms out with Michael Bay movies, and doesn't go lower than that, that's why. (I kid... I watched 'Skyline' and 'The Green Hornet' in cinemas)

Lynn Collins was also in X-Men Origins : Wolverine (as was Taylor Kitsch), but I also didn't watch that film..... because I have self-respect that bottoms out with Michael Bay movies, and doesn't go lower than that, that's why. (I kid... I watched 'Skyline' and 'The Green Hornet' in cinemas)

Jim Morris is one of the producers of the $250million film, but his background is in visual effects and film production, in a career that includes James Cameron's The Abyss, and being General Manager of George Lucas' ILM. Now he gets free junkets on the Disney gravy train (I'd do the same)

Jim Morris is one of the producers of the $250million film, but his background is in visual effects and film production, in a career that includes James Cameron's The Abyss, and being General Manager of George Lucas' ILM. Now he gets free junkets on the Disney gravy train (I'd do the same)

A friend and I used to have an annual discussion on who out of John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe had been the prior year's most egregious example of a scenery chewing ham-acting, so I'd recognise that 1/3 of a face anywhere.

A friend and I used to have an annual discussion on who out of John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe had been the prior year's most egregious example of a scenery chewing ham-acting, so I'd recognise that 1/3 of a face anywhere.

I'm still kind of vague about the precise reason why Dexter Fletcher generates excitement at premieres for movies he's not in. Other than his name, I mean. It is a cool name.

I'm still kind of vague about the precise reason why Dexter Fletcher generates excitement at premieres for movies he's not in. Other than his name, I mean. It is a cool name.

Andrew Stanton has won two Oscars, and directed (among other things) Wall-E, all the Toy Story films and Finding Nemo. That means no matter how badly this film does, he's still Net Positive by a staggering amount as far as Disney is concerned, righ? (I'm not being critical, I'm just mentioning it because if it's a sci-fi film and you've dropped the 'of Mars' from the title, something ain't right, am I right?)

Andrew Stanton has won two Oscars, and directed (among other things) Wall-E, all the Toy Story films and Finding Nemo. That means no matter how badly this film does, he's still Net Positive by a staggering amount as far as Disney is concerned, righ? (I'm not being critical, I'm just mentioning it because if it's a sci-fi film and you've dropped the 'of Mars' from the title, something ain't right, am I right?)

Willem Dafoe won the John Malkovich vs Willem Defoe Biggest Overactor Award my friend and I had on at least three occasions - Spiderman, Spiderman 2 (it was a short scene) and The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. Man, I hated The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou so much I can still remember the name of the film...

Willem Dafoe won the John Malkovich vs Willem Defoe Biggest Overactor Award my friend and I had on at least three occasions - Spiderman, Spiderman 2 (it was a short scene) and The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. Man, I hated The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou so much I can still remember the name of the film...

Director / Monty Python Terry Gilliam wears another of his impressive knit / quilt jackets to a premiere. I'm just sorry I had to convert to black'n'white to cope with the white balance issues it was causing my camera.

Director / Monty Python Terry Gilliam wears another of his impressive knit / quilt jackets to a premiere. I'm just sorry I had to convert to black'n'white to cope with the white balance issues it was causing my camera.

The Hulk-like Dominic West may have been in The Wire and 300, but imdb also lists 'Palace Guard' in Star Wars Episode I as one of his four most memorable credits (heeheehee!!).

The Hulk-like Dominic West may have been in The Wire and 300, but imdb also lists 'Palace Guard' in Star Wars Episode I as one of his four most memorable credits (heeheehee!!).

Meanwhile, Mark Strong is still awesome. An I need a tighter haircut to look just like this. And a suit. And a movie career

Meanwhile, Mark Strong is still awesome. An I need a tighter haircut to look just like this. And a suit. And a movie career

"Hey, was he the dude from that thing?" I like to think Mark Strong may also be hazy on the whole Who Is Dexter Fletcher thing

"Hey, was he the dude from that thing?" I like to think Mark Strong may also be hazy on the whole Who Is Dexter Fletcher thing

Lynn Collins still does everything she can to avoid being legibly photographed by me. She's now moved into an area of the red carpet that has giant spotlights beaming directly into the audience. Most girls would just issue a restraining order rather than being this overtly subtle.

Lynn Collins still does everything she can to avoid being legibly photographed by me. She's now moved into an area of the red carpet that has giant spotlights beaming directly into the audience. Most girls would just issue a restraining order rather than being this overtly subtle.

Taylor Kitsch, the also Metro informs me, has a considerable female fanbase arising from his ongoing work on the American Football-based series "Friday Night Lights" which doesn't really make sense for several reasons I can think of, but I'm also not really in the target market for any of that

Taylor Kitsch, the also Metro informs me, has a considerable female fanbase arising from his ongoing work on the American Football-based series "Friday Night Lights" which doesn't really make sense for several reasons I can think of, but I'm also not really in the target market for any of that

Andrew Stanton and producer Lindsey Collins catch up with actress Samantha Morton, who was in the film, and was one of the 'precogs in that tank' in Spielberg's 'Minority Report'. I had no luck photographing her or her weird green/blue dress on the night.

Andrew Stanton and producer Lindsey Collins catch up with actress Samantha Morton, who was in the film, and was one of the 'precogs in that tank' in Spielberg's 'Minority Report'. I had no luck photographing her or her weird green/blue dress on the night.

High ISO, Low Light, Dodgey Autofocus... either Lynn Collins is trying telling me something, or my camera is.

High ISO, Low Light, Dodgey Autofocus... either Lynn Collins is trying telling me something, or my camera is.

Willem Dafoe has had no less than two Oscar Nominations, neither for Spiderman, or the xXx sequel which nobody remembers. He was the voice of "Gill" in Finding Nemo though. I... erm. Sorry.

Willem Dafoe has had no less than two Oscar Nominations, neither for Spiderman, or the xXx sequel which nobody remembers. He was the voice of "Gill" in Finding Nemo though. I... erm. Sorry.

So, that was another one! Premieres aren't coming quite as thick-and-fast at the moment. The next one (I believe) is on March 14th. So until then.... until next time!

And "Yes, it joins the Archive of Premieres" the most recent events in which were:

The BAFTAS - Pitt! Clooney!
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - Dench! Patel! Wilkinson! Nighy!
This Means War - Witherspoon! Hardy! Pine!
The Woman In Black - Radcliffe! Hinds!
W.E. - Madonna! The Cast!