20 Aug - The 'Keith Lemon Movie' premiere (in black'n'white to attempt to class it up)

So the deal is : I grew up in Australia. So I've missed whatever vital cultural context is necessary to watch, let alone tolerate (let alone find in anyway amusing) Keith Lemon. Broadly I find the man and the character hateful, and I barely even watch TV. As for why there is a Keith Lemon movie, I can only assume some kind of government tax incentive is at work.

So why go to the premiere, you might ask? Well, like all mountaineers will tell you:

Because it's there.

And yeah, this one was a chore. A noisy, soul-draining chore. But here's how it went down! In black'n'white in order to provide some Class that this movie has no intention of providing:

I hate Keith Lemon / Leigh Francis to a degree that is irrational but nonetheless sincere (see also : Matthew Broderick). So I don't want to be here, but I am. And my intention is to avoid photographing him if I can. Yes. I know. He's the lead actor, star, and character. _But I can try._ ps. A facemask is not the real thing. Also : I'm going black'n'white for this whole journal to lend the event a sense of class it couldn't otherwise achieve.

I hate Keith Lemon / Leigh Francis to a degree that is irrational but nonetheless sincere (see also : Matthew Broderick). So I don't want to be here, but I am. And my intention is to avoid photographing him if I can. Yes. I know. He's the lead actor, star, and character. _But I can try._ ps. A facemask is not the real thing. Also : I'm going black'n'white for this whole journal to lend the event a sense of class it couldn't otherwise achieve.

The list for this thing was HUGE - 3x double-sided! Oh, they were all D- to Z-Listers to be sure. But in sizeable numbers. And the crowds for this thing were embarrassingly large. (And I'm excluding myself from criticism : I'm merely charting the decline of western civilisation, not adding to its speed)

The list for this thing was HUGE - 3x double-sided! Oh, they were all D- to Z-Listers to be sure. But in sizeable numbers. And the crowds for this thing were embarrassingly large. (And I'm excluding myself from criticism : I'm merely charting the decline of western civilisation, not adding to its speed)

Fearne Cotton is a Radio1 Broadcaster who has a fashion career as well as Paparazzi who follow her every day as she leaves her studio. Surely she can do better? (ps. back-of-head-shots of the lead actor don't count as photos).

Fearne Cotton is a Radio1 Broadcaster who has a fashion career as well as Paparazzi who follow her every day as she leaves her studio. Surely she can do better? (ps. back-of-head-shots of the lead actor don't count as photos).

Paul Angunawela directed this film, as well as another Keith Lemon video, a TV short called Library Majnu and a TV episode of something called Experimental. I'm just going to say, without knowing anything about the guy : He Can Do Better. I mean... look at that SCARF!! He can do better - he did better just getting dressed this morning!

Paul Angunawela directed this film, as well as another Keith Lemon video, a TV short called Library Majnu and a TV episode of something called Experimental. I'm just going to say, without knowing anything about the guy : He Can Do Better. I mean... look at that SCARF!! He can do better - he did better just getting dressed this morning!

Actress Kelly Brook was in Piranha 3D. That's all I'm going to say. (Also, this is as much of the face of Keith Lemon as I'm willing to show).

Actress Kelly Brook was in Piranha 3D. That's all I'm going to say. (Also, this is as much of the face of Keith Lemon as I'm willing to show).

"But they didn't ask me to come back for the Piranha sequel. Sure I died in the original film, but we thought that of Ving Rhames' character, too!". Yeah. I guess...

"But they didn't ask me to come back for the Piranha sequel. Sure I died in the original film, but we thought that of Ving Rhames' character, too!". Yeah. I guess...

I have no idea who she is. But part of me thinks that if she has an eye on her career, a lack of cited association with this film might be a plus? (You're welcome, lady!)

I have no idea who she is. But part of me thinks that if she has an eye on her career, a lack of cited association with this film might be a plus? (You're welcome, lady!)

Louie Spence is a talented dancer and a nice guy. He can get away with colour at this otherwise sombre, "classy" event.

Louie Spence is a talented dancer and a nice guy. He can get away with colour at this otherwise sombre, "classy" event.

The man, the myth, the hairstyle : David Hasselhoff has entered Leicester Square, and this premiere just got elevated a few notches. Not from 'bad' to 'good', obviously. 'Vile' to 'dire', maybe. Still, well-played Hoff.

The man, the myth, the hairstyle : David Hasselhoff has entered Leicester Square, and this premiere just got elevated a few notches. Not from 'bad' to 'good', obviously. 'Vile' to 'dire', maybe. Still, well-played Hoff.

This actress must have been desperate to distance herself from this film - wireimage has her noted down as her character "Rosie" rather than the actress' name which is Laura Aikman

This actress must have been desperate to distance herself from this film - wireimage has her noted down as her character "Rosie" rather than the actress' name which is Laura Aikman

Not since Alice Kriege played the Borg Queen in Star Trek First Contact has the back of the head of somebody been as fascinating as this man's.... and somehow it seems.....

Not since Alice Kriege played the Borg Queen in Star Trek First Contact has the back of the head of somebody been as fascinating as this man's.... and somehow it seems.....

Legendary 80s singer Billy Ocean got roped into playing Keith Lemon's dad in the film. I'm sure that's good for twenty minutes worth of "laughs" in a movie that imdb explains has a mere 85 minute runtime. (And that's probably including closing credits..)

Legendary 80s singer Billy Ocean got roped into playing Keith Lemon's dad in the film. I'm sure that's good for twenty minutes worth of "laughs" in a movie that imdb explains has a mere 85 minute runtime. (And that's probably including closing credits..)

I really do have to make sure "Get ouf of my dreams, get into my car" is in my iTunes library beep, beep, yeah!

I really do have to make sure "Get ouf of my dreams, get into my car" is in my iTunes library beep, beep, yeah!

The Hoff approacheth. As an aside, the premieres for Total Recall and The Expendables 2 last week might have been bigger, but for a premiere that contains hacks, wannabes, and reality stars (and Billy Ocean) this premiere was easily the loudest premiere of the three. And not just because of The Hoff

The Hoff approacheth. As an aside, the premieres for Total Recall and The Expendables 2 last week might have been bigger, but for a premiere that contains hacks, wannabes, and reality stars (and Billy Ocean) this premiere was easily the loudest premiere of the three. And not just because of The Hoff

Oh Hoff, wilt thou leave thy fans so unsatisfy'd?

Oh Hoff, wilt thou leave thy fans so unsatisfy'd?

Since I've already lost all credibility in just being here, this is Lucy Pinder, seemingly a noted Page3 girl in the UK. In that regard, not only CAN SHE do better than be in this film, but arguably already HAS.. She didn't sign for fans. Seeing what they brought for her to sign, I'm not surprised.

Since I've already lost all credibility in just being here, this is Lucy Pinder, seemingly a noted Page3 girl in the UK. In that regard, not only CAN SHE do better than be in this film, but arguably already HAS.. She didn't sign for fans. Seeing what they brought for her to sign, I'm not surprised.

Oh, but it gets even better/worse. I've now photographed Jedward. I would say this premiere has officially gone to hell, but frankly, I'll say it: they're still preferable to Keith Lemon.

Oh, but it gets even better/worse. I've now photographed Jedward. I would say this premiere has officially gone to hell, but frankly, I'll say it: they're still preferable to Keith Lemon.

And finally, one more. Keith Lemon / Leigh Francis poses with his trousers down, posing for the press.  Farq... I hate this film. I hate that this film even got made. I hate that the character's name is Keith Lemon and nobody even decided "let's make the carpet yellow" because so little of anything approaching a desire to make a decent bit of entertainment is clearly not within the mandate of anyone involved. That said, I wish the feathery epaulettes on his shoulder pads nothing but success in any upcoming ventures...

And finally, one more. Keith Lemon / Leigh Francis poses with his trousers down, posing for the press.  Farq... I hate this film. I hate that this film even got made. I hate that the character's name is Keith Lemon and nobody even decided "let's make the carpet yellow" because so little of anything approaching a desire to make a decent bit of entertainment is clearly not within the mandate of anyone involved. That said, I wish the feathery epaulettes on his shoulder pads nothing but success in any upcoming ventures...

Sigh. You know, I would have hated this premiere less if it wasn't for the number of earnest fans not just screaming but SQUEALING over these guys, as well as Leigh Francis and several reality stars who had no business walking the streets during the daytime.

Sigh. You know, I would have hated this premiere less if it wasn't for the number of earnest fans not just screaming but SQUEALING over these guys, as well as Leigh Francis and several reality stars who had no business walking the streets during the daytime.

With apologies to anybody who likes Keith Lemon, and/or possibly IS Keith Lemon, I can't get behind this film. Feel free to pay to watch it or buy it on DVD or Blu-Ray or iTunes. I'd still suggest stealing it off the internet is wrong, too. But I'm outta here and going home and having a long shower so I can feel clean again...

Until next time!! (because you know if there's a Keith Lemon 2 premiere, I'll probably show up anyway!).

Does it join The Archive of Movie Premieres?  Sadly and reluctantly, yes!

I'd prefer any of the following premieres over it, though:

Total Recall (2012) - Farrell! Beckinsale! Biel!
The Expendables 2 - Sly! Arnie! JCVD! Statham!
The Dark Knight Rises - Nolan! Bale! Hardy! Freeman! Hathaway! Cotillard! Gordon-Levitt! Murphy!
The Amazing Spider-Man - Garfield! Stone! Ifans!
Prometheus - Ridley! Charlize! Fassbender!

By the way, if you ever want to know when I post one of these journals feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook at premieresdotco.