16 Aug - The 'Total Recall (2012)' premiere

August 16th, 2012.

So back in 1990, Arnold Schwarzenneger and Sharon Stone starred in violent Paul Voerhoven film "Total Recall". It's 2012 now, and if wild and reckless misinterpretations of Mayan prophecies are nonetheless somehow correct, next year might be too late to remake the film.

Hence, the unlikely trio of Colin Farrel, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Director  Len Wiseman and the tireless Bill Nighy made their way to Leicester Square for a white-carpet premiere of that film.

Was I there, standing behind the world's two tallest non-basketballers? Of course I was! Here's how it went down:

White carpet. Live twitter feed. Constantly shifting barriers. London can do it - we've shown the world we can host major events in London with style and class!

White carpet. Live twitter feed. Constantly shifting barriers. London can do it - we've shown the world we can host major events in London with style and class!

"Foxtrot Unicorn Charlie Kilo!!! I don't know what that means, but I've always wanted to say it. Over" Security presence : inevitable, if slightly over-the-top.

"Foxtrot Unicorn Charlie Kilo!!! I don't know what that means, but I've always wanted to say it. Over" Security presence : inevitable, if slightly over-the-top.

Actor Colin Farrell is first to arrive, and contrary to all those rumours is neither drunk nor wielding a broken bottle of beer and swiping at random strangers. Good call, Mr Farrell!

Actor Colin Farrell is first to arrive, and contrary to all those rumours is neither drunk nor wielding a broken bottle of beer and swiping at random strangers. Good call, Mr Farrell!

"I'm not really up for a rousing rendition of "The Way You Make Me Feel", but I can bust out a few lines of "Liberian Girl" if you want?" The speakers were particularly bad at this premiere (and Mr Farrell's accent particularly strong) so I have no idea what anybody was saying.

"I'm not really up for a rousing rendition of "The Way You Make Me Feel", but I can bust out a few lines of "Liberian Girl" if you want?" The speakers were particularly bad at this premiere (and Mr Farrell's accent particularly strong) so I have no idea what anybody was saying.

Mr Farrell's internal monologue : "Maybe I shoulda gone with Billie Jean. That's always a crowd-pleaser". Far from being an angry, beer-fuelled lout, Colin Farrell was actually really friendly - he and all the cast circulated around the entirety of the crowd signing things. (I myself don't own anything Colin Farrell's been in, but I did watch and enjoy "In Bruges". I even watched it IN BRUGES).

Mr Farrell's internal monologue : "Maybe I shoulda gone with Billie Jean. That's always a crowd-pleaser". Far from being an angry, beer-fuelled lout, Colin Farrell was actually really friendly - he and all the cast circulated around the entirety of the crowd signing things. (I myself don't own anything Colin Farrell's been in, but I did watch and enjoy "In Bruges". I even watched it IN BRUGES).

Jessica Biel : "Fashion Failure What?" What indeed.

Jessica Biel : "Fashion Failure What?"
What indeed.

Jessica Biel is led off the stage and presumably (politely) asked to find something less sensationally awful to wear. I'm right about this assessment, right? Furry Plumage and Lace was totally 2003 and isn't due for a triumphant return til mid-2183, yes?

Jessica Biel is led off the stage and presumably (politely) asked to find something less sensationally awful to wear. I'm right about this assessment, right? Furry Plumage and Lace was totally 2003 and isn't due for a triumphant return til mid-2183, yes?

In other unwanted opinions, I would say that Jessica Biel is not the industry's most... erm... how to put it. Prolific? Talented? Multi-award winning? Actress. However, she is wearing PINK shoes in this picture. Pink goes with feathers and fur. Let me just write that down...

In other unwanted opinions, I would say that Jessica Biel is not the industry's most... erm... how to put it. Prolific? Talented? Multi-award winning? Actress. However, she is wearing PINK shoes in this picture. Pink goes with feathers and fur. Let me just write that down...

"We all want you to sign their DVD covers with "FOOK YOU!!!" if that's okay?"

"We all want you to sign their DVD covers with "FOOK YOU!!!" if that's okay?"

Len Wiseman is married to Kate Beckinsale and directed her in the first two Underworld films, which were pretty awful (other than Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather and submachine guns obviously). However, he also directed Die Hard 4.0 which I really liked. So... you go, Wiseman!

Len Wiseman is married to Kate Beckinsale and directed her in the first two Underworld films, which were pretty awful (other than Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather and submachine guns obviously). However, he also directed Die Hard 4.0 which I really liked. So... you go, Wiseman!

It's Kate Beckinsale! I like her for no reason I can adequately explain (outside of the obvious), so eye-contact? A bonus. But blur from passing crowds throwing off the autofocus - constant at this premiere. Sigh. At least I photographed Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson non-blurrily this year...

It's Kate Beckinsale! I like her for no reason I can adequately explain (outside of the obvious), so eye-contact? A bonus. But blur from passing crowds throwing off the autofocus - constant at this premiere. Sigh. At least I photographed Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson non-blurrily this year...

Jessica Biel in dreamy-cam-vision style. That said, I'm also weirdly pleased with the crop on the security dude's face

Jessica Biel in dreamy-cam-vision style. That said, I'm also weirdly pleased with the crop on the security dude's face

OMG - Kate Beckinsale - unobstructed!! I recognise her despite her not wearing a black leather catsuit and not holding a submachine gun in each hand. She's even wearing a DRESS!

OMG - Kate Beckinsale - unobstructed!! I recognise her despite her not wearing a black leather catsuit and not holding a submachine gun in each hand. She's even wearing a DRESS!

After spending the entirety of the on-stage interview hidden behind the camera man blocking her (because... why would you have a stage when there's no plans to make anybody standing on it visible?), It looks like I'll at least get a few frames of Kate Beckinsale walking down some stairs.

After spending the entirety of the on-stage interview hidden behind the camera man blocking her (because... why would you have a stage when there's no plans to make anybody standing on it visible?), It looks like I'll at least get a few frames of Kate Beckinsale walking down some stairs.

Oh, thanks, pointing finger lady. This is the only shot in a whole series that kind of worked (One frame earlier, foreground security dude wandered in front of the stage, and one frame later ANOTHER security dude wandered in front of the stage. What's with the security presence at this premiere - FARRELL IS SOBER AND FRIENDLY. STAND DOWN, GUYS!!!)

Oh, thanks, pointing finger lady. This is the only shot in a whole series that kind of worked (One frame earlier, foreground security dude wandered in front of the stage, and one frame later ANOTHER security dude wandered in front of the stage. What's with the security presence at this premiere - FARRELL IS SOBER AND FRIENDLY. STAND DOWN, GUYS!!!)

I SAID STAND DOWN, SECURITY-GUYS!

I SAID STAND DOWN, SECURITY-GUYS!

"There've been *HOW MANY* Underworld films?? Farq. How many was I in?"

"There've been *HOW MANY* Underworld films?? Farq. How many was I in?"

Colin Farrell in close orbit. Try as I might, I can never get his flowing blonde locks in 'Alexander' out of my mind....

Colin Farrell in close orbit. Try as I might, I can never get his flowing blonde locks in 'Alexander' out of my mind....

The ever-dependable and friendly Bill Nighy also shows up (he's in the film. He's not Dexter-Fletchering and showing up to films he didn't direct or star in!).

The ever-dependable and friendly Bill Nighy also shows up (he's in the film. He's not Dexter-Fletchering and showing up to films he didn't direct or star in!).

"Don't do drugs, kids. Also, don't drink alcohol. Try not to swear. And stay off the internet after 10pm. And eat broccoli. And don't frikkin question my hairstyle" Invaluable life advice from Bill Nighy

"Don't do drugs, kids. Also, don't drink alcohol. Try not to swear. And stay off the internet after 10pm. And eat broccoli. And don't frikkin question my hairstyle" Invaluable life advice from Bill Nighy

I get that he's adjusting her hair, but what's SHE adjusting?

I get that he's adjusting her hair, but what's SHE adjusting?

You don't want to know how narrow the gap I'm shooting through was. I think even a Higgs-Boson particle would be, like, maybe I need to go on a diet and lose some mass to fit into that... and yes, I just made a science joke.

You don't want to know how narrow the gap I'm shooting through was. I think even a Higgs-Boson particle would be, like, maybe I need to go on a diet and lose some mass to fit into that... and yes, I just made a science joke.

Anyway. Watch the film if you're interested. Rottentomatoes hasn't got a rating up but imdb has it at 6.3 out of 10, with the original Arnold Schwarzenegger version at (a rather generous, I feel) 7.5. You have been warned.

Anyway. Watch the film if you're interested. Rottentomatoes hasn't got a rating up but imdb has it at 6.3 out of 10, with the original Arnold Schwarzenegger version at (a rather generous, I feel) 7.5. You have been warned.

Me? I'm wondering why The Bourne Legacy (a) never had a premiere (b) has only a 55% positive rating on Rottentomatoes....

Still, that's another premiere for The Archive of Movie Premieres

Until next time!

By the way, if you ever want to know when I post one of these journals feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook at premieresdotco.