24 Oct - The 'A Dangerous Method' premiere

October 24th, 2011.

So the deal with Me and Keira Knightley is that I've never photographed her and she appears to be going about her life blissfully unaware of my existence. That makes her no different from any number of Beautiful People out there. However many of those I've managed to photograph whereas Keira Knightley, despite two premieres (and one public event) during periods where I was theoretically based in London, has never yet wandered in front of my lens wondering whether three or four popcorns might ruin her thin figure.

So this was my big chance.

Here's how it went down (mostly, and almost) in flames.

Beards are IN!! Time to dust off the free moustache they handed out at the Tintin Premiere a mere 'yesterday' ago.

Beards are IN!! Time to dust off the free moustache they handed out at the Tintin Premiere a mere 'yesterday' ago.

It's early days yet, but Yellow Cap(less) Guy is in the house! When I arrived he was talking animatedly about Daniel Craig coming and we had to tell him that he was late by about a day. Still... later I saw him get Keira Knightley's autograph so I think The Legend still Has It.

It's early days yet, but Yellow Cap(less) Guy is in the house! When I arrived he was talking animatedly about Daniel Craig coming and we had to tell him that he was late by about a day. Still... later I saw him get Keira Knightley's autograph so I think The Legend still Has It.

I don't like to complain, but yesterday's Tintin premiere was in the AFTERNOON and they brought their own lighting rigs. This one might as well have been held in a cave.

I don't like to complain, but yesterday's Tintin premiere was in the AFTERNOON and they brought their own lighting rigs. This one might as well have been held in a cave.

Ambient streetlighting meant this premiere had a lot more photos that I shall call 'artistic' due to motion blur, errant flashes, and panning motion.

Ambient streetlighting meant this premiere had a lot more photos that I shall call 'artistic' due to motion blur, errant flashes, and panning motion.

I don't judge guys on how handsome they are - it's not my thing - but surely black'n'scraggly hair is THE look we all know Viggo Mortenson (and to an extent Alan Rickman) OWNS So who is this guy??

I don't judge guys on how handsome they are - it's not my thing - but surely black'n'scraggly hair is THE look we all know Viggo Mortenson (and to an extent Alan Rickman) OWNS So who is this guy??

Director David Cronenberg directed The Fly (1986) and since then a whole lot of movies I'll categorise under the grouping of "Not My Thing" - stuff involving blood, deviancy, car crashes. Perhaps he thinks he's selling out by (merely) doing a work on psychoanalysis starring Keira Knightley?

Director David Cronenberg directed The Fly (1986) and since then a whole lot of movies I'll categorise under the grouping of "Not My Thing" - stuff involving blood, deviancy, car crashes. Perhaps he thinks he's selling out by (merely) doing a work on psychoanalysis starring Keira Knightley?

"I put these extra dark nose pads on my glasses so it always looks like I'm paying attention in a cartoonish way"

"I put these extra dark nose pads on my glasses so it always looks like I'm paying attention in a cartoonish way"

"Wait... you're RECORDING this?"

"Wait... you're RECORDING this?"

First thought (second thought : refer above for first)  - somebody needs to tell Mickey Rourke that Enough is Enough. Second (third) thought - Sean Bean has REALLY let himself go. (And this is why I have so few Famous People as friends....) Christopher Hampton is actually the Oscar-winning writer of 'Dangerous Liaisons', along with 'Atonement' and 'Mary Reilly'. But the hair... the hair. It's *amazing* hair.

First thought (second thought : refer above for first)  - somebody needs to tell Mickey Rourke that Enough is Enough. Second (third) thought - Sean Bean has REALLY let himself go. (And this is why I have so few Famous People as friends....) Christopher Hampton is actually the Oscar-winning writer of 'Dangerous Liaisons', along with 'Atonement' and 'Mary Reilly'. But the hair... the hair. It's *amazing* hair.

Michael Fassbender. He's so hot right now (Michael Fassbender). I've been assured of this important fact by a whole bunch of females who could not have been plainer in silently adding 'whom you look nothing like' in subtext. It's true. I'm more of a "Christopher Hampton but without the awesome hair" type.

Michael Fassbender. He's so hot right now (Michael Fassbender). I've been assured of this important fact by a whole bunch of females who could not have been plainer in silently adding 'whom you look nothing like' in subtext. It's true. I'm more of a "Christopher Hampton but without the awesome hair" type.

"... is better looking than Viggo Mortenson IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!!"

"... is better looking than Viggo Mortenson IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!!"

Michael Fassbender, who, to quote others, is variously "awesome", "dreamy", and "amazing" was also Magneto in the X-Men prequel, Stelios in '300' and various other no doubt equally awesome roles. (Hey, I thought KEIRA KNIGHTLEY was coming to this thing?)

Michael Fassbender, who, to quote others, is variously "awesome", "dreamy", and "amazing" was also Magneto in the X-Men prequel, Stelios in '300' and various other no doubt equally awesome roles. (Hey, I thought KEIRA KNIGHTLEY was coming to this thing?)

"Marry you? As in, right now? I.... uh...I just gotta go to the guy over there for the... the thing."

"Marry you? As in, right now? I.... uh...I just gotta go to the guy over there for the... the thing."

OH, look. In the far distance, Emperor Palpatine is signing war decrees in another part of the crowd.

OH, look. In the far distance, Emperor Palpatine is signing war decrees in another part of the crowd.

Definition of Unfairness? This is Keira Knightley..

Definition of Unfairness? This is Keira Knightley..

Definition of Unfairness? Part 2: This. (seriously - the Paps were using dozens of flashes to take a photo of her FROM BEHIND)

Definition of Unfairness? Part 2: This. (seriously - the Paps were using dozens of flashes to take a photo of her FROM BEHIND)

Keira Knightley was happy to sign for everyone, and pose for the OTHER half of the paparazzi at leisure. But the side I was on? About five frames before she was off again. Still... it's a fallback position. I have photographed The Keira Knightley!! (Now... what do I do with the 1300 frames remaining on my memory card?)

Keira Knightley was happy to sign for everyone, and pose for the OTHER half of the paparazzi at leisure. But the side I was on? About five frames before she was off again. Still... it's a fallback position. I have photographed The Keira Knightley!! (Now... what do I do with the 1300 frames remaining on my memory card?)

"Keira, you've been standing there for four minutes. Have you zoned out or something?" It seemed like four minutes, but my camera assures me it was five frames.

"Keira, you've been standing there for four minutes. Have you zoned out or something?" It seemed like four minutes, but my camera assures me it was five frames.

"The dude on the poster with the pornstache is MICHAEL FASSBENDER?? GET OUT!!". From here and for the next two hundred shots we entered the "Keira Knightley, sharp but in profile" zone of my memory card.

"The dude on the poster with the pornstache is MICHAEL FASSBENDER?? GET OUT!!". From here and for the next two hundred shots we entered the "Keira Knightley, sharp but in profile" zone of my memory card.

Even I can only do so much with 200 shots of Keira Knightley from side-on, so I redirect my camera. Oh, look : it's Viggo Mortenson, Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, and some guy in "The Road" as well as "A History of Violence" also directed by David Cronenberg

Even I can only do so much with 200 shots of Keira Knightley from side-on, so I redirect my camera. Oh, look : it's Viggo Mortenson, Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, and some guy in "The Road" as well as "A History of Violence" also directed by David Cronenberg

"Well, I don't usually quote Tupac Shakur when answering questions, but here goes..." Oddly enough, my camera's battery life is amazing and I'll be able to add another fifty or sixty profile shots of Keira Knightley to my already enviable collection.

"Well, I don't usually quote Tupac Shakur when answering questions, but here goes..." Oddly enough, my camera's battery life is amazing and I'll be able to add another fifty or sixty profile shots of Keira Knightley to my already enviable collection.

Keira Knightley, NOT in profile! High ISO plus lightness adjustment plus that weird photoshop filter that sharpens by turning things into a weird kind of cartoon? Yeah, I'll go there. to make this happen.

Keira Knightley, NOT in profile! High ISO plus lightness adjustment plus that weird photoshop filter that sharpens by turning things into a weird kind of cartoon? Yeah, I'll go there. to make this happen.

Amazingly, she then started getting interviewed more or less slightly in front of me. The lighting was crappy, the crowd were in the way, I'd somehow reset the white balance to 'assume I want to reproduce candle-lit', and the autofocus chose precisely THAT moment to fail me at close range.

 Eye-contact? I'm not claiming it for certain, but I was the only male at that eye-level.

 Eye-contact? I'm not claiming it for certain, but I was the only male at that eye-level.

Then, finally, for a mere seven frames, she was in focus. Three were (sadly) unflattering, and four are identical to this one:

When the nerve on Keira Knightley's head starts throbbing, it's time to stop that line of questioning.

When the nerve on Keira Knightley's head starts throbbing, it's time to stop that line of questioning.

And then, a short time later, the went into the cinema. And then, a short time later...

"No, you had TWO chocktops and a large Pepsi. That means you owe ME four pounds. Fine, be like that. I'm going home."

"No, you had TWO chocktops and a large Pepsi. That means you owe ME four pounds. Fine, be like that. I'm going home."

Interesting note : it's not particularly often that the stars will actually WATCH the movie they're at the premiere for (which sort of makes sense given they could do a dozen premieres in a two or three week period and might get kind of sick of it

So... that was that. Disappointed? A little bit if I'm honest. A full-length portrait shot would have been nice and I had the lens and location to do it, just not the miraculous parting of the crowds I seem to be so lucky with when it's freaking Fassbender or something...

But tomorrow is another day. And it's an all-male Roland Emmerich film (woohoo!).

Still, it joins The Archive of Movie Premieres, and if you ever want to know when I post one of these journals feel free to follow me on twitter @berndt2_photo or on facebook at premieresdotco.