September 5th, 2017.
As the owner of a domain and website literally called "Premieres.co" I feel a particular pang of Regret if there's ever a premiere in London I can not attend. And that pang is somewhat greater when I miss a premiere because I choose to photograph an event that is NOT a premiere while an *actual* premiere is taking place at the same time elsewhere....
Still... screw 'Victoria & Abdul', I guess (with apologies to Dame Judi Dench, who is awesome) - this is the GQ Awards, and they are.... wheream. Here's how it/they went down:
Prior to these GQs, all other GQ Awards I'd photographed had been at the Royal Opera House vaguely over there (indicates across the river). This venue - the Tate Modern - is considerably larger, and somewhat less intimate. (Given the number of autograph dealers in the pen on the right, this is probably preferable.)
My chosen spot currently overlooks a long, narrow and (for now) well-lit red carpet and approach to the Tate Modern's West entrance. Also, I really hope that one of the guests chooses to rollerblade down that carpet : the slope is pretty great (and I assume the glass doors at the entrance are being left open)
The List of Attendees is somewhat long and quite impressive. The most impressive is arguably Football legend 'Pele', whose decision not to walk along the red carpet is the main reason I'm not bothering to look up the letter 'e' with an accent above it for his name.
"Must... protect.... sanctity... of .... red... carpet"
"No pressure, Catherine, but if you make me look fat in this photo I'm going to CUT you".
Meanwhile, I don't want to panic anybody, but I've had a look at the photos I took at the last GQs I was at, and the first arrival there was around 5:30pm... and it's currently 7PM AND NO STARS HAVE ARRIVED YET.
The first stars have (finally) begun to arrive, and fortunately I can celebrate this occasion in the time-honoured way : by admitting that I have no idea who most of them are.
"Check it out. That dude's shooting with an Oylmpus" - I don't know who either of these two people are (or indeed whether that dude was shooting with an Olympus)
I don't know who this stunning beard belongs to (or the name of the beard that's wearing him) at present.
Finally somebody whose name I recognise, even though after all this time exactly why Amber LeBon is actually famous continues to elude me. Was it a Nobel Prize? A shot-put world record? For the development of cryptic resting right hand gestures that fascinate?
I don't know who this is, but I'm writing "green jacket, v-neck black t-shirt" into my fashion journal. I want to start wearing it in about six or seven years, and try to catch the trend early when it comes around again.
"Who am I? What am I wearing? Why are you photographing me? Why all the questions? Can I go now?" - I do not know who this is.
(edited to add : she's Adwoa Aboah, and she was named "Woman of the Year" at the event)
I know that the lady in the vertically striped dress is actress Anna Friel. I mean... I also know other things, but in an immediately relevant sense not many others presently apply.
"You remember me from 'that thing'? me too!"
Courtney Love (lead singer of the band Hole) is the former Mrs Curt Cobain (lead singer of the band Nirvana). Weird though it may seem, I currently have more songs by Hole on my iPod than Nirvana, (Weirder still I suppose is that in this day and age I do still have an iPod)
At least one of these three is in the show 'Stranger Things', which I have not watched because I don't feel like subscribing to a cable company just so I can watch a show, and it hasn't been released on DVD or iTunes and I can't be bothered to pirate a show that can't be assed to distribute itself on more than one platform. (edited to add : apparently all three are in the show?)
"You could wait for the show to be released on VHS, I suppose..."
(edited to add : "Stranger Things" won the "Editor's Special Award" on the night, and no award sounds more like "hey, I like this thing -- I wonder if I gave it an award whether the stars would come and accept it?") (edited to additionally add : I'm not being cynical, I think it's brilliant!)
I don't know who this is, but I'm weirdly aware that my aftershave is actually by the sponsor of this event. I'm not used to being cool, so I'm hopeful mentioning it means there's no danger of that.
"Please only photograph this dress, and not anything that suggests the human form it seeks to conceal"
"Fine. Here's a knee. Satisfied??"
"I came by rickshaw. Told the driver to slow down" Former Top Gear host James May.
I don't know who this is, and I'm not convinced that even if I bring my personal style into this century, that it'll extend to the point where wearing brown silk pyjamas to public events seems like a good idea. (I'm currently wearing an M&S suit jacket over a red Muji Metalgear T-shirt, jeans and an LA Baseball cap... if you're like time-traveling and want to identify me)
"I know this really awesome magic trick but it needs a deck of cards.... and a table.... and for you to be impressed by magic in order for it to be 'awesome' Which is to say : I have noidea who this is
This is the stare of Tuppence Middleton.
My camera is still recovering.
Jared Leto's suit contains more embroidery than my apartment. (Who am I kidding, more than every apartment I've ever lived in, visited or walked past) (edited to add that Jared Leto was named "Best Actor" on the night, and... well he was very good in Dallas Buyers Club, but that was four years ago!)
Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay is all "so you'll be eating reheated leftovers when you're editing photos of Me at this event? How.... uh... charming.". (And that's if I'm being optimistic.)
A tinfoil-wearing Erin O'Connor is being led blindly along the red carpet on a dare. Or so I presume, as I'm a bit distracted now that the crowd has realised star wars' Mark Hamill has arrived and might be induced to sign autographs if people shout loudly and desperately enough.
Meanwhile, or rather Until Then, I have no idea who this is.
"George Lucas? Now there's a name I haven't heard since--"
Mark Hamill won the "Icon (as distinct from 'Legend' and 'Inspiration' which are also Awards)" Award on the night.
Tito Jackson.
Turn out this is just another f**king politician. (I will concede that I'd have written this exact comment regardless of any politician attending this event)
"Do I feel safe now that Disney killed off Han Solo? Well, I'm pretty sure Disney will happily kill off anybody, alive or dead, real or fictional, if their accountants signed off on it serving their corporate interests"
"Kylo Ren? Upstart Emo Wannabe..... and also Patricidal Psychopath. I'll look forward what kind of warped morality Disney is going to try in order to give him a redemption arc." In contast, I don't care. At all.
"sign something! anything! as anyone! anyone at all!"
Based on crowd screams, his name might be 'Antonio', but right now I don't even know whether he's staring into the middle distance or a further distance than that.
"wardrobe moths are not a laughing matter"
Olympic Diver Tom Daley (right), Man With Bow Tie (left)
Game of Thrones' Natalie Dormer and I share a moment, and that moment is still ongoing as I type this hours later, and don't tell me it's not ongoing because I'm right here and it's ongoing.
Game of Thrones' Natalie Dormer shares perhaps another half or two-thirds of a moment, bringing the total to something like one and a half or more moments we've now shared at this event.
Based on the insouciant I-don't-give-a-f*ck expression emanating from this gentleman, I'm going to guess he's one of the Gallagher brothers - Liam or Noel or.... Steve or whatever. (Edited to add : Liam Gallagher won the "Rock'n'Roll Star" "Award" on the night. And possibly used it to beat a stray waiter or concierge to death after the afterparty)
Dr (or Professor? or just Mister?) Brian Cox rushes in, disinclined to stop for any reason.
Jaden Smith and I share a moment. I'm happy to trade it for as little as a tenth (or less) of an additional moment with (say) Game or Thrones' Natalie Dormer. Or... you know... Typhoid or Diphtheria.
This Is Nick Cave, And The Pink Dress Of The Person Whose Hand He's Presently Holding. (edited to add: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds won the "Band" award on the evening and given they released an album last year AND are Australian, I shall not be making fun of or minimising the scope of their accomplishment)
I've forgotten what David Harewood (?) is famous for, and it's after midnight and I really need to get some sleep.
I think this might be Charlie XCX. She didn't stop to regard the Paparazzi, let alone me.
"Feel free to ask me what conditioner I use - I'm a part owner of the brand" - Annabelle Wallis was, among other things, in "The Mummy" with Tom Cruise, a movie that felt like a first date being spent with somebody spending its entirety talking about how awesome it was, and how awesome the next three/four/five dates, would be.
Annabelle Wallis and I share up to two-fifths of a moment.
Former Top Gear Host 3 of 3 (I photographed Richard Hammond but he's small and I couldn't find the photo) Jeremy Clarkson arrives. (edited to add : their new show "The Grand Tour" won him and his co-hosts the "TV Personalities" Award on the evening)
I believe this is musician Tinie Tempah. I'd make some joke about people whose name is formed of misspelled words, but my name(s) cause enough people problems
I probably should recrop this so you can see the devastating concentration in the eyes of the paparazzi glancing over his camera, but it's late and it's cold and there are wolves out
Poppy Delevingne is Cara Delevingne's sister, and so as not to cause too much offense I should probably use the reverse of that quote next time I photograph Cara Delevingne.
I believe this is a musician by the name of "Spekta" based on the screams of the crowd and the likely spelling he'd use if he'd want to be considered "cool". Then again, perhaps it's spelled "$pecta" or "5P3CT4" or something even more ludicrous.
Jourdan Dunn is pretty, and it's getting late enough as I type this that it represents the height of subtlety and languge (edited to add : and speling) I'm capable of right now.
Meanwhile, overlooking the event rather than AT the event, wondering how much longer I'll wait for Pele given it's entirely probable that no matter what time I leave I'll *just* miss my train the next one will be delayed and I'll get home at a time that's insanelly late.... I forget where I was going with this sentence.
"Can't stop to pose or chat... in fact, can't really even pause or slow down to explain...." - Simon Pegg.
I wait another 10-15mins for Pele to arrive, but he doesn't, presumably having entered via another entrance earlier, and return to Blackfriars where in accordance with The Prophecy I do indeed miss my train by approximately 0.5mins at odds of approximately 1 in 24 if you believe in random distribution, or 1 in 1 if you believe that this bullshit is preordained.
So... that was that. A very late start to an event - indeed so late that I probably COULD have also attended the premiere of "Victoria and Abdul" in Leicester Square and rushed to the Tate Modern immediately afterwards. And I didn't get to photograph the person I stayed back probably half an hour longer than I would otherwise have in order to photograph.
still.... it's another "premiere" for 'The Archive of Movie Premieres', where it can join
The 2011 GQ Awards, The 2012 GQ Awards, The 2013 GQ Awards, The 2014 GQ Awards and the 2015 GQ Awards.
Until next time!
PS - feel free to follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, on twitter at berndt2_photo.... or your nearest internet browser.