The 2016 Empire Movie Awards

March 20th, 2016.

I haven't done the (insert name of sponsor) Empire Movie Awards since 2012. The year after that, I'm not sure I bothered; and the year after that I elected to attend the Divergent premiere instead (because apparently I'm a teenage girl); and last year I was out of the country.

This year.... I ran out of excuses. Here's how it went down:

Four years ago at the Empire Awards, I was in a similar(ish) spot and managed to photograph such luminaries as Danny DeVito, Dolph Lundgren, Olivia Wilde, a Bond Girl and no end of others. What wonders would this year bring? Well... if the profanity-laden summary of a nearby autograph dealer were to be believed : considerably f**king less.

Four years ago at the Empire Awards, I was in a similar(ish) spot and managed to photograph such luminaries as Danny DeVito, Dolph Lundgren, Olivia Wilde, a Bond Girl and no end of others. What wonders would this year bring? Well... if the profanity-laden summary of a nearby autograph dealer were to be believed : considerably f**king less.

As with four years ago, I was shooting the event from OUTSIDE the event - and the pen in front of me would be occupied by about three rows of paparazzi on ladders. They'd be blocking any chance of me using my own variation on "Over Ya Shoulda, Luv" to any effect.

As with four years ago, I was shooting the event from OUTSIDE the event - and the pen in front of me would be occupied by about three rows of paparazzi on ladders. They'd be blocking any chance of me using my own variation on "Over Ya Shoulda, Luv" to any effect.

"Of course, I'm not actually from Empire Magazine, but as long as they don't ask me any questions I won't have to provide any answers"

"Of course, I'm not actually from Empire Magazine, but as long as they don't ask me any questions I won't have to provide any answers"

"Tom... whatever you have to say, just say it. You've been fiddling with those buttons for twelve minutes now and clearly have no idea how your gear works."

"Tom... whatever you have to say, just say it. You've been fiddling with those buttons for twelve minutes now and clearly have no idea how your gear works."

Can your gym equipment / lumberjack / battle exoskeleton shoot ISO1600 at 8fps?

Can your gym equipment / lumberjack / battle exoskeleton shoot ISO1600 at 8fps?

I don't know who this is, but my keen fashion sense suggests that perhaps Khaki and Peruvian wood necklaces might feature in London Fashion Week II later this year..

I don't know who this is, but my keen fashion sense suggests that perhaps Khaki and Peruvian wood necklaces might feature in London Fashion Week II later this year..

"I'm surprised you recognise me without the gold suit and me complaining about the heat or my need for an oil bath..." our first major arrival (he's on the top row of the first page of the five (?) page List of Attendees) is Anthony Daniels, best known for playing C-3PO in every Star Wars movie thus far made.

"I'm surprised you recognise me without the gold suit and me complaining about the heat or my need for an oil bath..." our first major arrival (he's on the top row of the first page of the five (?) page List of Attendees) is Anthony Daniels, best known for playing C-3PO in every Star Wars movie thus far made.

"Artoo was going to be here, but that recycling truck doing the rounds of this neighbourhood had other ideas..."

"Artoo was going to be here, but that recycling truck doing the rounds of this neighbourhood had other ideas..."

"So why did a twelve year old slave kid living on an isolated desert planet make a protocol droid to help his mom? Was she negotiating many galactic peace treaties in her spare time?" I fear my question is approximately 17 years late, but I feel it's still valid.

"So why did a twelve year old slave kid living on an isolated desert planet make a protocol droid to help his mom? Was she negotiating many galactic peace treaties in her spare time?" I fear my question is approximately 17 years late, but I feel it's still valid.

"You're actually disappointed I'm not wearing grimy furs and carrying a screaming infant??" I don't know... I kind of prefer to think the events of Game of Thrones are contemporary and just happening elsewhere on the planet right now. Hannah Murray plays Gilly on the show.

"You're actually disappointed I'm not wearing grimy furs and carrying a screaming infant??" I don't know... I kind of prefer to think the events of Game of Thrones are contemporary and just happening elsewhere on the planet right now. Hannah Murray plays Gilly on the show.

"I suppose I could have let the hair be a bit more scraggly. You know... for the fans."

"I suppose I could have let the hair be a bit more scraggly. You know... for the fans."

The unfortunately named "Michael Fox" is one 'J-as-a-middle-initial' away from potentially launching a legitimate Back to the Future reboot or sequel, but for now he either is or was best known for being on Downton Abbey. Guy-with-socks-as-beanie in the background is unimpressed.

The unfortunately named "Michael Fox" is one 'J-as-a-middle-initial' away from potentially launching a legitimate Back to the Future reboot or sequel, but for now he either is or was best known for being on Downton Abbey. Guy-with-socks-as-beanie in the background is unimpressed.

The stunningly-named Emily Atack was most recently in "Dad's Army" and before that the long-forgotten but rather compelling "Outside Bet", probably the most foreign film In The English Language I've ever seen.

The stunningly-named Emily Atack was most recently in "Dad's Army" and before that the long-forgotten but rather compelling "Outside Bet", probably the most foreign film In The English Language I've ever seen.

"If you don't end up being who I think you are this hug could be quite tricky to explain to my girlfriend...." - Craig Roberts is/was best known for the rather cool "Submarine" but beyond that most of the time I photograph him at various award shows like this one or the Bifas. It's a living.

"If you don't end up being who I think you are this hug could be quite tricky to explain to my girlfriend...." - Craig Roberts is/was best known for the rather cool "Submarine" but beyond that most of the time I photograph him at various award shows like this one or the Bifas. It's a living.

"We're still not sure who she is, but it's always good to make new friends..."

"We're still not sure who she is, but it's always good to make new friends..."

"I'm legally not allowed to sign Harry Potter merchandise. Sorry". Annabel Scholey was in "Walkin' on Sunshine (2014), but more intriguingly was the voice of Ginny Weasley in The Deathly Hallows Part 2 computer game..

"I'm legally not allowed to sign Harry Potter merchandise. Sorry". Annabel Scholey was in "Walkin' on Sunshine (2014), but more intriguingly was the voice of Ginny Weasley in The Deathly Hallows Part 2 computer game..

"Yeah, I think it's a dumb name too. But Disney's cheque cleared so my objections are at this point negligible" Andy Serkis is currently playing the improbably / hilariously non-threatingly named "Supreme Leader Snoke" in the Star Wars sequel trilogy.

"Yeah, I think it's a dumb name too. But Disney's cheque cleared so my objections are at this point negligible" Andy Serkis is currently playing the improbably / hilariously non-threatingly named "Supreme Leader Snoke" in the Star Wars sequel trilogy.

"My arm? Well, they tore it off for the movie but reattached it after we stopped filming. Marvel are pretty good that way". Andy Serkis had a second current and equally improbable name to his credit, that of "Ulysses Klaw" beginning with Avengers Age of Ultron

"My arm? Well, they tore it off for the movie but reattached it after we stopped filming. Marvel are pretty good that way". Andy Serkis had a second current and equally improbable name to his credit, that of "Ulysses Klaw" beginning with Avengers Age of Ultron

Faye Marsay was in the movie "Pride" as well as the character "Waif" several episodes of Game of Thrones, along with a character in a short film from 2015 I'm waiting until the next image to mention.

Faye Marsay was in the movie "Pride" as well as the character "Waif" several episodes of Game of Thrones, along with a character in a short film from 2015 I'm waiting until the next image to mention.

Faye Marsay stares at me, defying me to find anything even remotely funny to say about the title of the short film "Nipplejesus (2015)". And, given the extraordinary connection we've made... I can't think of anything. At all. (on a possibly related side-note, her blue eyes are AMAZING!)

Faye Marsay stares at me, defying me to find anything even remotely funny to say about the title of the short film "Nipplejesus (2015)". And, given the extraordinary connection we've made... I can't think of anything. At all. (on a possibly related side-note, her blue eyes are AMAZING!)

The inevitable evolution of the Selfie-Stick into a 'sign this piece of cardboard I'm holding out well past the barriers' stick. It's ultimately going to be red carpet drones next, people. I called it first.

The inevitable evolution of the Selfie-Stick into a 'sign this piece of cardboard I'm holding out well past the barriers' stick. It's ultimately going to be red carpet drones next, people. I called it first.

"If you are yet another actor whose character died a premature death on Game of Thrones, press FOUR. Otherwise, please stay on the line...."

"If you are yet another actor whose character died a premature death on Game of Thrones, press FOUR. Otherwise, please stay on the line...."

"The beard? My accountant recommends spinning it off into its own separate company, actually". Joseph Mawle is best known for being Thomas Lincoln in Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, which in the four years since its release I have not yet found time or inclination to watch. He's also yet another dearly departed Stark in Game of Thrones (Benjen).

"The beard? My accountant recommends spinning it off into its own separate company, actually". Joseph Mawle is best known for being Thomas Lincoln in Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, which in the four years since its release I have not yet found time or inclination to watch. He's also yet another dearly departed Stark in Game of Thrones (Benjen).

"Please keep getting me to sign things. I just want to be here when Daisey Ridley arrives". This as-yet-unidentified gentleman has to last another nine (9) more minutes by my watch.

"Please keep getting me to sign things. I just want to be here when Daisey Ridley arrives". This as-yet-unidentified gentleman has to last another nine (9) more minutes by my watch.

"What am I pondering? Could be the secrets of the universe. Could be what I'm having for lunch tomorrow. I'll never tell". Richard E Grant is best known for being in the movie 'Withnail & I (1987)' a movie whose imdb rating is 7.8, or about three times higher than I'd objectively rate the film, which I found horrifically appalling. But then I'm not English.

"What am I pondering? Could be the secrets of the universe. Could be what I'm having for lunch tomorrow. I'll never tell". Richard E Grant is best known for being in the movie 'Withnail & I (1987)' a movie whose imdb rating is 7.8, or about three times higher than I'd objectively rate the film, which I found horrifically appalling. But then I'm not English.

"Much like Game of Thrones, we'll be waiting for the author to finish the books in order to make more episodes" - Neil Pinnock was apparently in the 2015 TV series "A.D. The Bible Continues" which I'd never heard of until I learned about it on imdb.com

"Much like Game of Thrones, we'll be waiting for the author to finish the books in order to make more episodes" - Neil Pinnock was apparently in the 2015 TV series "A.D. The Bible Continues" which I'd never heard of until I learned about it on imdb.com

"Yeah.... I should probably get them to change that..." according to the usually reliable imdb.com, Daniel Mays is best known for being in The Adventures of Tintin : Secret of the Unicorn, where he was "Pirate Flunky #1" (thus explaining his absence at that premiere). He was however in (and at the premiere of) "Dad's Army" earlier this year.

"Yeah.... I should probably get them to change that..." according to the usually reliable imdb.com, Daniel Mays is best known for being in The Adventures of Tintin : Secret of the Unicorn, where he was "Pirate Flunky #1" (thus explaining his absence at that premiere). He was however in (and at the premiere of) "Dad's Army" earlier this year.

"The guy wearing socks as a beanie is over there. I offered him a four figure sum for it, but he declined" (edited to add : he's Max Irons, who among other things was in 'The Woman in Gold (2015) - I've watched The Woman in Gold but I don't remeber him in it... is that bad? Great name, though...)

"The guy wearing socks as a beanie is over there. I offered him a four figure sum for it, but he declined" (edited to add : he's Max Irons, who among other things was in 'The Woman in Gold (2015) - I've watched The Woman in Gold but I don't remeber him in it... is that bad? Great name, though...)

I'm still a bit hazy on who exactly Johnny Vegas is, even if I love the surname. But I do know he was in "Grimsby" (both the movie and the premiere), and per imdb the enigmatically titled "Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)"

I'm still a bit hazy on who exactly Johnny Vegas is, even if I love the surname. But I do know he was in "Grimsby" (both the movie and the premiere), and per imdb the enigmatically titled "Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)"

"I don't suppose even one person here brought a Mr Selfridge Box Set for me to sign? Okay, then" Daisy Ridley is best known for being Rey in the Disney movie-based-on-a-toy-line "Star Wars" which you might have heard of.

"I don't suppose even one person here brought a Mr Selfridge Box Set for me to sign? Okay, then" Daisy Ridley is best known for being Rey in the Disney movie-based-on-a-toy-line "Star Wars" which you might have heard of.

"I'm going to punch the lights out of anyone who has a single negative thing to say about the 92%-on-rottentomatoes Force Awakens". Well...  it's not as popular as The Lego Movie, for one thing (96%), and it's hugely overrated for what amounts to a copy-paste reboot in many regards. Plus I wear glasses. Nobody would hit a guy with glasses.

"I'm going to punch the lights out of anyone who has a single negative thing to say about the 92%-on-rottentomatoes Force Awakens". Well...  it's not as popular as The Lego Movie, for one thing (96%), and it's hugely overrated for what amounts to a copy-paste reboot in many regards. Plus I wear glasses. Nobody would hit a guy with glasses.

"Yes, I know what a Mary Sue is... and Rey is not one. Except insofar as she's a lead character with no flaws who's better than anyone else and the chosen one and heir to the force and a better pilot and engineer than anybody. Besides that she's totally a realistic, rounded character" Uh-huh.

"Yes, I know what a Mary Sue is... and Rey is not one. Except insofar as she's a lead character with no flaws who's better than anyone else and the chosen one and heir to the force and a better pilot and engineer than anybody. Besides that she's totally a realistic, rounded character" Uh-huh.

"I'm sorry I'm not allowed to authorise fanfiction of that or any other nature."

"I'm sorry I'm not allowed to authorise fanfiction of that or any other nature."

"Young people totally suck. They're so.... so.... young" - Jane Goldman and Jonathan Ross wisely wait til Daisy Ridley has entered the event and become besieged by rows and rows of paparazzi all urging her to look over her right / left / other shoulder

"Young people totally suck. They're so.... so.... young" - Jane Goldman and Jonathan Ross wisely wait til Daisy Ridley has entered the event and become besieged by rows and rows of paparazzi all urging her to look over her right / left / other shoulder

A quick turn to my left verifies thatno matter how high I hold my camera, I ain't getting that posed shot of Daisey Ridley until she wanders three-quarters of the way up the red carpet and randomly turns around while I shoot blind. And I don't believe in luck. Not good luck, anway.

A quick turn to my left verifies thatno matter how high I hold my camera, I ain't getting that posed shot of Daisey Ridley until she wanders three-quarters of the way up the red carpet and randomly turns around while I shoot blind. And I don't believe in luck. Not good luck, anway.

"Mustn't. Look. Over. Left. Shoulder. Must. Avoid. Nightmares." Just keep memorising that list of phone numbers. It could come in handy one day.

"Mustn't. Look. Over. Left. Shoulder. Must. Avoid. Nightmares." Just keep memorising that list of phone numbers. It could come in handy one day.

Amazingly, a part of the Paparazzi cordon has decided to take a break from their time spend busily remembering what shoulder to ask people to turn and look over, and I snatch a long range shot of Anthony Daniels behind Andy Serkis.

Amazingly, a part of the Paparazzi cordon has decided to take a break from their time spend busily remembering what shoulder to ask people to turn and look over, and I snatch a long range shot of Anthony Daniels behind Andy Serkis.

Even more amazingly, much of the Paparazzi cordon fails to realise Daisy Ridley has turned around while signing autographs. At this distance I'm not able to outline even a small percentage of my issues with The Force Awakens in a way she could hear... but I can rattle off a few frames on my camera.

Even more amazingly, much of the Paparazzi cordon fails to realise Daisy Ridley has turned around while signing autographs. At this distance I'm not able to outline even a small percentage of my issues with The Force Awakens in a way she could hear... but I can rattle off a few frames on my camera.

"Do you hate me in the sense that you love to hate me?" Iwan Rheon is (still, and surprisingly) best known for his role in Dexter Fletcher's rather excellent "Wild Bill (2011)", and not his vile and nasty turn as Ramsay Snow/Bolton in Game of Thrones.

"Do you hate me in the sense that you love to hate me?" Iwan Rheon is (still, and surprisingly) best known for his role in Dexter Fletcher's rather excellent "Wild Bill (2011)", and not his vile and nasty turn as Ramsay Snow/Bolton in Game of Thrones.

"Why are you photographing me? For all you know I'm just writing down this lady's racing bets...." Thus far the identity of Man In Raincoat Possibly Transcribing Tips Into Racing Form remains unknown. (edited to add : he's Ian Hart, who played Mr Quirrell (guy with Voldemort on the back of his head - thanks Andrew!))

"Why are you photographing me? For all you know I'm just writing down this lady's racing bets...." Thus far the identity of Man In Raincoat Possibly Transcribing Tips Into Racing Form remains unknown. (edited to add : he's Ian Hart, who played Mr Quirrell (guy with Voldemort on the back of his head - thanks Andrew!))

Laura Carmichael is best known for (at present) being in no less than 52 episodes of Downton Abbey, a show I still haven't watched. Too many flashbacks to Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey... and once you start hating one abbey, the hatred (or at least suspicion) carries across to all abbeys.

Laura Carmichael is best known for (at present) being in no less than 52 episodes of Downton Abbey, a show I still haven't watched. Too many flashbacks to Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey... and once you start hating one abbey, the hatred (or at least suspicion) carries across to all abbeys.

Peter Serafinowicz has some very interesting movie credits to go with the uniqueness of his orange tie, among them : the anal housemate of Simon Pegg / Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead (2004), the voice of Darth Maul in Star Wars the Phantom Menace (1999), plus he's the guy who says "what a bunch of a-holes" about the Guardians of the Galaxy. The tie is pretty cool, too.

Peter Serafinowicz has some very interesting movie credits to go with the uniqueness of his orange tie, among them : the anal housemate of Simon Pegg / Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead (2004), the voice of Darth Maul in Star Wars the Phantom Menace (1999), plus he's the guy who says "what a bunch of a-holes" about the Guardians of the Galaxy. The tie is pretty cool, too.

"So you're just going to rush past and not sign autographs? But ma'am... what if you upset the dealers? What if you make them unhappy? Wait.... are you saying you don't CARE if loud, obnoxious, profane autograph dealers are unhappy? Why... I never thought of that perspective. Good for you, young Miss."

"So you're just going to rush past and not sign autographs? But ma'am... what if you upset the dealers? What if you make them unhappy? Wait.... are you saying you don't CARE if loud, obnoxious, profane autograph dealers are unhappy? Why... I never thought of that perspective. Good for you, young Miss."

"There's only... what. Four Starks left? Five? ... I'm optimistic about my chances of outlasting the others...."

"There's only... what. Four Starks left? Five? ... I'm optimistic about my chances of outlasting the others...."

"What do you mean Daisy Ridley's already gone inside? But I have fanfiction for her to take a look at". It's true. Sorry, bro. (edited to add : as yet unidentified)

"What do you mean Daisy Ridley's already gone inside? But I have fanfiction for her to take a look at". It's true. Sorry, bro. (edited to add : as yet unidentified)

Once again my stretch Lamborghini is in for servicing, so I'll have to take civilian modes of transport home.

Once again my stretch Lamborghini is in for servicing, so I'll have to take civilian modes of transport home.

So... that was that, then. Was it as good as 2012's Awards? Probably not, though given it only cost me maybe half a day (I declined to queue for this event on the grounds of (a) it being uncool to do so, and (b) I'll be doing more than enough of that, possibly in great futility, on Tuesday for the Batman v Superman premiere).. it was okay.

If nothing else, t's certainly another proud entry into my "Archive of Movie Premieres".

Until next time!

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