The 2015 British Fashion Awards

23rd November 2015.

It seems almost inconceivable that merely 24 hours earlier, I was having to profess my complete lack of knowledge about British Theatre at the Evening Standard Theatre Awards.... and now here I am, on the other side of London, one day later, having to profess my additional complete lack of knowledge about Fashion at the British Fashion Awards!

It's a strange life I lead..... and here's how this one went down:

We take up the action outside a theatre, where We The Common People are united in one fact : we're not allowed across the road where the red carpet is. Presumably because we're not special, or famous, or (especially in my case) well-dressed enough. Or maybe we just weren't invited. For any of those reasons aforementioned.

We take up the action outside a theatre, where We The Common People are united in one fact : we're not allowed across the road where the red carpet is. Presumably because we're not special, or famous, or (especially in my case) well-dressed enough. Or maybe we just weren't invited. For any of those reasons aforementioned.

The London Coliseum (where chariots have not raced nor has anyone been fed to lions for centuries) is located on St Martins Lane, and finishing touches are being put on various items on the red carpet. Because you know if everything isn't perfect, Naomi Campbell is going to refuse to show up. (And that's the BEST case scenario.)

The London Coliseum (where chariots have not raced nor has anyone been fed to lions for centuries) is located on St Martins Lane, and finishing touches are being put on various items on the red carpet. Because you know if everything isn't perfect, Naomi Campbell is going to refuse to show up. (And that's the BEST case scenario.)

"Excuse me... are you famous?" Or more to the point, would anybody at the British Fashion Awards wear such a hideous jacket, even if it was keeping them warm in the 5 degree celsius temperatures?

"Excuse me... are you famous?" Or more to the point, would anybody at the British Fashion Awards wear such a hideous jacket, even if it was keeping them warm in the 5 degree celsius temperatures?

So far, I can report that feathers and/or lace and/or blue shredded ribbons are/were IN this year.... as is posing next to Orange Witches hats. I'd better check online and see how much those are going for. Or whether they come in black.

So far, I can report that feathers and/or lace and/or blue shredded ribbons are/were IN this year.... as is posing next to Orange Witches hats. I'd better check online and see how much those are going for. Or whether they come in black.

My spot at this event is, as noted, outside this event; and I'm stationed next to a small cluster of heavy-geared freelance paparazzi, standing on ladders, discharging flashes like they're one-liners, and every woman passing by gets challenged to 'look over ya shoulda!!'. Edited to add : Georgia May Jagger.

My spot at this event is, as noted, outside this event; and I'm stationed next to a small cluster of heavy-geared freelance paparazzi, standing on ladders, discharging flashes like they're one-liners, and every woman passing by gets challenged to 'look over ya shoulda!!'.
Edited to add : Georgia May Jagger.

Taking wearable tech just a bit too far...

Taking wearable tech just a bit too far...

<texts> : "Judith : Need to know whether DSLR cameras should be right-shoulder-strapped or left-shoulder-strapped. Get back to me asap"

<texts> : "Judith : Need to know whether DSLR cameras should be right-shoulder-strapped or left-shoulder-strapped. Get back to me asap"

Our first major arrival is Game Of Thrones' Brienne of Tarth, aka Gwendoline Christie. She's elected to wear what appears to be a dress without chainmail.

Our first major arrival is Game Of Thrones' Brienne of Tarth, aka Gwendoline Christie. She's elected to wear what appears to be a dress without chainmail.

I don't know who this is, but it's a fashion event, and it's winter, and it's London, so my operating assumption is that more insanely revealing and hypothermia-friendly a dress, the more likely the person wearing it is to being famous.

I don't know who this is, but it's a fashion event, and it's winter, and it's London, so my operating assumption is that more insanely revealing and hypothermia-friendly a dress, the more likely the person wearing it is to being famous.

I don't know who this is, but either leather-jacket-on-top-of-frilly-nightgown is SO HOT RIGHT NOW..... or somebody is about to be devastated that they didn't get the memo that said BLUE feathers is where it's at right now

I don't know who this is, but either leather-jacket-on-top-of-frilly-nightgown is SO HOT RIGHT NOW..... or somebody is about to be devastated that they didn't get the memo that said BLUE feathers is where it's at right now

"You cut up your kindergarten class' favourite boardame to make a jacket top that's not even appropriate for this weather? Uncool, Babe"

"You cut up your kindergarten class' favourite boardame to make a jacket top that's not even appropriate for this weather? Uncool, Babe"

Bicep tattoos and pseudo-Napoleonic tank tops??? (Actually, I picked that trend in my company's Fashion Trends 2017 office sweepstakes). (edited to add : singer Rita Ora)

Bicep tattoos and pseudo-Napoleonic tank tops??? (Actually, I picked that trend in my company's Fashion Trends 2017 office sweepstakes). (edited to add : singer Rita Ora)

Somewhat improbably (I say, with zero clue as to who gets invited to fashion gigs), actress Kate Bosworth shows up. It's been 9 years and a reboot since she played Lois Lane in the ill-fated 'Superman Returns'. I actually think that movie hasn't aged too badly, and the John Ottman score is VERY good.

Somewhat improbably (I say, with zero clue as to who gets invited to fashion gigs), actress Kate Bosworth shows up. It's been 9 years and a reboot since she played Lois Lane in the ill-fated 'Superman Returns'. I actually think that movie hasn't aged too badly, and the John Ottman score is VERY good.

Given this is a journal for the British Fashion Awards, I figure I can pretty much post anything, no matter how blurry, and call it 'fashion' and make it look like A Thing.

Given this is a journal for the British Fashion Awards, I figure I can pretty much post anything, no matter how blurry, and call it 'fashion' and make it look like A Thing.

Another somewhat random attendee : actress Noomi Rapace, who was the lead in (and at the premiere of) 2012's Ridley Scott film 'Prometheus'

Another somewhat random attendee : actress Noomi Rapace, who was the lead in (and at the premiere of) 2012's Ridley Scott film 'Prometheus'

"Selfie sticks? Are we still doing these things?". Isn't it about time the fashion industry started making them out of peacock feathers or suede or ecru?

"Selfie sticks? Are we still doing these things?". Isn't it about time the fashion industry started making them out of peacock feathers or suede or ecru?

"My agent SWORE if I wore feathers, you'd let me in" Yeah, but even I know that if they're not blue or pink, they're totally LAST year.

"My agent SWORE if I wore feathers, you'd let me in" Yeah, but even I know that if they're not blue or pink, they're totally LAST year.

Three-time Formula 1 champion Lewis Hamilton arrives, representing a sport where all clothing, cars, equipment and accessories require multiple sponsor logos festooned all over them. Irony.

Three-time Formula 1 champion Lewis Hamilton arrives, representing a sport where all clothing, cars, equipment and accessories require multiple sponsor logos festooned all over them. Irony.

Well.. it's finally happened: Jourdan Dunn, an ACTUAL MODEL, has shown up! And... not wearing feathers? I'm going on Amazon and canceling my bulk order.

Well.. it's finally happened: Jourdan Dunn, an ACTUAL MODEL, has shown up! And... not wearing feathers? I'm going on Amazon and canceling my bulk order.

I don't know who this is, but it seems the trend of 'feathers in fashion 2015' has started, peaked, and been utterly swept away, all in the space of a 20minute period.

I don't know who this is, but it seems the trend of 'feathers in fashion 2015' has started, peaked, and been utterly swept away, all in the space of a 20minute period.

I last photographed Salma Hayek (and a peculiarly insistent bit of scaffolding) about 24 hours ago at the Evening Standard Theatre Awards, where she was dressed considerably less pink-ly than this. The scaffolding did not elect to attend this event.

I last photographed Salma Hayek (and a peculiarly insistent bit of scaffolding) about 24 hours ago at the Evening Standard Theatre Awards, where she was dressed considerably less pink-ly than this. The scaffolding did not elect to attend this event.

I'm not sure who this is (Poppy Delevingne?) but the "blurry-therefore-art" movent will not be stopped at this event. My camera's limitations, the low light, the heaving crowds and my own artistic intentions demand it.

I'm not sure who this is (Poppy Delevingne?) but the "blurry-therefore-art" movent will not be stopped at this event. My camera's limitations, the low light, the heaving crowds and my own artistic intentions demand it.

"What do you mean 'shoulder straps are in'? Since when? I checked twitter, instagram and facebook this morning and they were definitely NOT in". Edited to add : Alexa Chung, Model.. wearing a large version of those cloths you use to take things out of ovens without burning your hands.

"What do you mean 'shoulder straps are in'? Since when? I checked twitter, instagram and facebook this morning and they were definitely NOT in". Edited to add : Alexa Chung, Model.. wearing a large version of those cloths you use to take things out of ovens without burning your hands.

"Just because I'm not wearing something improbable doesn't mean I'm NOT Lady Gaga". There was a time when recognising performer Lady Gaga was as simple as finding a red carpet and honing in on the most bafflingly odd thing on it. If it was a fire hydrant, it was probably a fire hydrant... but if it was a chocolate-covered lobster with sequins and epaulettes... probably Lady Gaga. Meanwhile, this human-shaped human wearing a dress-shaped dress... weirdly, is Lady Gaga.

"Just because I'm not wearing something improbable doesn't mean I'm NOT Lady Gaga". There was a time when recognising performer Lady Gaga was as simple as finding a red carpet and honing in on the most bafflingly odd thing on it. If it was a fire hydrant, it was probably a fire hydrant... but if it was a chocolate-covered lobster with sequins and epaulettes... probably Lady Gaga. Meanwhile, this human-shaped human wearing a dress-shaped dress... weirdly, is Lady Gaga.

"You want me to sign that picture of me? Did I really wear that??? Because it looks less like a person and more like a suffusion of metal filings affixed to green jello.... oh. Right. Brit Awards, 2007. I remember"

"You want me to sign that picture of me? Did I really wear that??? Because it looks less like a person and more like a suffusion of metal filings affixed to green jello.... oh. Right. Brit Awards, 2007. I remember"

"That's literally just a photo of a chicken nugget you downloaded off a McDonald's menu... but fine, I'll sign it". Because Fashion.

"That's literally just a photo of a chicken nugget you downloaded off a McDonald's menu... but fine, I'll sign it". Because Fashion.

Meanwhile, the future ex-Mrs Talasch, ie. Rosie Huntington-Whitely(-Talasch) has arrived, and Jason Statham is not her accessory tonight, but a pink (salmon?) purse (clutch? handbag? pincushion?) is. I last photographed / made eye-contact / created a deep and lasting emotional connection with her at the premiere of 'Hummingbird' in 2013.

Meanwhile, the future ex-Mrs Talasch, ie. Rosie Huntington-Whitely(-Talasch) has arrived, and Jason Statham is not her accessory tonight, but a pink (salmon?) purse (clutch? handbag? pincushion?) is. I last photographed / made eye-contact / created a deep and lasting emotional connection with her at the premiere of 'Hummingbird' in 2013.

I sometimes feel like I claim there are too many beautiful women of whom I have photographic evidence of mutual attraction. It's like one of those game theory type scenarios, though, where too many open options mean you actually don't have ANY options. Still... I hope Charlize Theron calls one of these days.

I sometimes feel like I claim there are too many beautiful women of whom I have photographic evidence of mutual attraction. It's like one of those game theory type scenarios, though, where too many open options mean you actually don't have ANY options. Still... I hope Charlize Theron calls one of these days.

Distressingly, Rosie Huntington-Whitely's date for the evening is neither Jason Statham (who I significantly resemble in that we share similar hairlines, number of arms and home planet), and not only a purse, ...but noted fashion photographer Mario Testino. Great. Of all the professions hanging off the arm of Rosie H-W, it had to be a photographer??

Distressingly, Rosie Huntington-Whitely's date for the evening is neither Jason Statham (who I significantly resemble in that we share similar hairlines, number of arms and home planet), and not only a purse, ...but noted fashion photographer Mario Testino. Great. Of all the professions hanging off the arm of Rosie H-W, it had to be a photographer??

Meanwhile, the colour green makes a case for being restricted to environmental lifestyles, and not red carpets where it would just clash anyway.

Meanwhile, the colour green makes a case for being restricted to environmental lifestyles, and not red carpets where it would just clash anyway.

"Ma'am... your dress is nice but it's hurting my eyes. I know it's maybe art... but I'm going to have to ask you to stay off the red carpet if you're going to wear that"

"Ma'am... your dress is nice but it's hurting my eyes. I know it's maybe art... but I'm going to have to ask you to stay off the red carpet if you're going to wear that"

"Wait.... you mean I don't HAVE to sign autographs if I don't want to? Well why wouldn't you tell me that earlier??". Like Selma Hayek, I last photographed actress Kate Beckinsale at yesterday's Evening Standard Theatre Awards

"Wait.... you mean I don't HAVE to sign autographs if I don't want to? Well why wouldn't you tell me that earlier??". Like Selma Hayek, I last photographed actress Kate Beckinsale at yesterday's Evening Standard Theatre Awards

Singer Lilly Allen and I make a connection... but if I have to play implausible hypothetical games, I'm going to preserve my implausible future relationship with Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

Singer Lilly Allen and I make a connection... but if I have to play implausible hypothetical games, I'm going to preserve my implausible future relationship with Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

Declining to turn and face the Paparazzi where I was, current-designer-former-Spice-Girl Victoria Beckham waves to the crowd before finding a better class of people to hang around. All of a sudden I feel that my very warm thinsulate beanie, purchased brand new today for £3 at Primark, is maybe not as fashionable as photographing this event demands.

Declining to turn and face the Paparazzi where I was, current-designer-former-Spice-Girl Victoria Beckham waves to the crowd before finding a better class of people to hang around. All of a sudden I feel that my very warm thinsulate beanie, purchased brand new today for £3 at Primark, is maybe not as fashionable as photographing this event demands.

"Black never goes out of fashion, right?" - please say that's true - my shoes, jacket, beanie and even dual-DSLRs (and lenses) are black. I'm basically Batman over here..

"Black never goes out of fashion, right?" - please say that's true - my shoes, jacket, beanie and even dual-DSLRs (and lenses) are black. I'm basically Batman over here..

Olga Kurylenko was a Bond Girl in 'Quantum of Solace'  in 2008, and then followed that up (premiere-attendance wise, I mean) with the visually splendid (and well-scored) 'Oblivion' in 2013

Olga Kurylenko was a Bond Girl in 'Quantum of Solace'  in 2008, and then followed that up (premiere-attendance wise, I mean) with the visually splendid (and well-scored) 'Oblivion' in 2013

"Your beanie is a disgrace, the thermal jumper is functional without any aesthetic, I can't see your shoes but I'm guessing they're not snakeskin and your glasses are prescription. ". Thanks, Karl Largerfeld. (He said all that without speaking a single word)

"Your beanie is a disgrace, the thermal jumper is functional without any aesthetic, I can't see your shoes but I'm guessing they're not snakeskin and your glasses are prescription. ". Thanks, Karl Largerfeld. (He said all that without speaking a single word)

"That thing in my tie? It's called a 'No, I have no idea what it is, but I'm Karl Lagerfeld and I'm making it into a thing' thing". Also : in darkness, in background, and blurry : American Vogue editor Anna Wintour.

"That thing in my tie? It's called a 'No, I have no idea what it is, but I'm Karl Lagerfeld and I'm making it into a thing' thing". Also : in darkness, in background, and blurry : American Vogue editor Anna Wintour.

Power-couple Lagerfeld and Wintour... and I'm very pleased I was able to roll out 'blurry, therefore art' for this image. No... really. This photo would suck if it was in focus and showed their faces.

Power-couple Lagerfeld and Wintour... and I'm very pleased I was able to roll out 'blurry, therefore art' for this image. No... really. This photo would suck if it was in focus and showed their faces.

"People, it's not about tassels, feathers, ties, sleeves, wigs, lace or wearing the skin of some kind of endangered reptile... as long as you're tall and young and pretty it's all good". I might go home and think over that.... while reheating leftovers, grabbing a can of Pepsi, and sobbing.

"People, it's not about tassels, feathers, ties, sleeves, wigs, lace or wearing the skin of some kind of endangered reptile... as long as you're tall and young and pretty it's all good". I might go home and think over that.... while reheating leftovers, grabbing a can of Pepsi, and sobbing.

"She said something about the importance of being young, pretty, tall and blonde. But I think it was implied that this only applied to women. Dudes can be old and wrinkly". As long as lustrous hair is not a necessity, that's good news for me.

"She said something about the importance of being young, pretty, tall and blonde. But I think it was implied that this only applied to women. Dudes can be old and wrinkly". As long as lustrous hair is not a necessity, that's good news for me.

Yes, that's right. I'm wearing a BLACK beanie. Designer Stella Mccartney appears impressed. Or possibly disdainful.

Yes, that's right. I'm wearing a BLACK beanie. Designer Stella Mccartney appears impressed. Or possibly disdainful.

Meanwhile, somewhere under this mass of arms and autograph books and mobile phones is actor Orlando Bloom. Possibly.

Meanwhile, somewhere under this mass of arms and autograph books and mobile phones is actor Orlando Bloom. Possibly.

"Elvish fashion? Well... yeah, but that was so 'Hobbit', and that' was so last year." I've only photographed Orlando Bloom once before, along with the majority of the cast of the third Hobbit movie, in Leicester Square last year.

"Elvish fashion? Well... yeah, but that was so 'Hobbit', and that' was so last year." I've only photographed Orlando Bloom once before, along with the majority of the cast of the third Hobbit movie, in Leicester Square last year.

In related but much, much rarer news, Liv Tyler (who played Arwen in the original Lord of the Rings trilogy) is at this event. Wearing... charcoal? graphite? or just black?

In related but much, much rarer news, Liv Tyler (who played Arwen in the original Lord of the Rings trilogy) is at this event. Wearing... charcoal? graphite? or just black?

Fittingly, our final arrival (or rather last one before I headed home) was former (?) supermodel Naomi Campbell. Wearing woven mosquito netting and a smile that says 'photograph me, tell me I'm pretty, or get the hell out of my way'

Fittingly, our final arrival (or rather last one before I headed home) was former (?) supermodel Naomi Campbell. Wearing woven mosquito netting and a smile that says 'photograph me, tell me I'm pretty, or get the hell out of my way'

"I don't want you to think about which one I'd prefer."

"I don't want you to think about which one I'd prefer."

So... that was some... thing. I'll take a look tomorrow and see if I can extract any greater sense out of what I saw, but bottom line appears to be some combination of people who are richer, more famous, better looking and better dressed than you are possibly also better than you. But in cold weather, they're a lot colder.

The question is, does this kind of event deserve to be among the 300+ events in my Archive of Movie Premieres? Maybe not.. but it's not stopping me from putting it there anyway.

Until next time!

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