The 2012 BIFAs - British Independent Film Awards

December 9th, 2012.

The British Independent Film Awards are held on a roadside outside a London Hotel each year (as far as I have visibility of the event.. there might also be an indoor component). Last year, it was so poor (weather- and light- wise) I never bothered to post the journal, even though Ralph Fienness and several other notables attended. Laughably, last year's efforts were an order of magnitude better. This year... fine, I'll just document the madness and resolve never* (*maybe) to do them again.

Fortunately, I'd been to the premiere of "Hitchcock" mere hours earlier so the day wasn't actually a waste. Here's how the *actual* waste went down:

We start with.... I don't know who this is. The lack of streetlighting means the Nikon (which I'm using instead of the Pentax for High-ISO reasons) whitebalance doesn't really know what to do.

We start with.... I don't know who this is. The lack of streetlighting means the Nikon (which I'm using instead of the Pentax for High-ISO reasons) whitebalance doesn't really know what to do.

 “You want me to do that thing where I beat you in a fight before it even starts? Dude… I did that four minutes ago. You’re lying bleeding in a gutter right now” This is Jared Harris (Moriarty in Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows).

 “You want me to do that thing where I beat you in a fight before it even starts? Dude… I did that four minutes ago. You’re lying bleeding in a gutter right now” This is Jared Harris (Moriarty in Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows).

"No, dear boy. I have no idea what kind of wand would choose you" John Hurt indulgently signs for fans. (Among a long career of roles, he was also Ollivander the wand-maker in the Harry Potter movies)

"No, dear boy. I have no idea what kind of wand would choose you" John Hurt indulgently signs for fans. (Among a long career of roles, he was also Ollivander the wand-maker in the Harry Potter movies)

Billy Connolly arrives, looking well-kempt but confused about the lack of security, red carpet, and a disproportionate number of Members Of The Public hanging out in front of the Hotel.

Billy Connolly arrives, looking well-kempt but confused about the lack of security, red carpet, and a disproportionate number of Members Of The Public hanging out in front of the Hotel.

"Be honest. Have any of you showered in the past week??". I have. But I've also spent many of the past few hours in the company of autograph dealers who quite possbly have not.

"Be honest. Have any of you showered in the past week??". I have. But I've also spent many of the past few hours in the company of autograph dealers who quite possbly have not.

The madness you're seeing as the 'dam' breaks and autograph dealers finally decide to abandon any pretense of respecting the unguarded barriers coincides with the arrival of Terence Stamp.

The madness you're seeing as the 'dam' breaks and autograph dealers finally decide to abandon any pretense of respecting the unguarded barriers coincides with the arrival of Terence Stamp.

Terence Stamp gets mobbed by dealers, who have now figured out that if there are Crowd Control Barriers but no security, then there may as well be no barriers.  Many of them are a55holes, but nobody has ever accused them of being totally stupid.

Terence Stamp gets mobbed by dealers, who have now figured out that if there are Crowd Control Barriers but no security, then there may as well be no barriers.  Many of them are a55holes, but nobody has ever accused them of being totally stupid.

"Guys? This is not a smile of joy, it's a terror reflex" Young Ellie Fanning has arrived and brought only one security guard, instead of (say) a tactical pre-emptive missile strike. And matching rottweilers.

"Guys? This is not a smile of joy, it's a terror reflex" Young Ellie Fanning has arrived and brought only one security guard, instead of (say) a tactical pre-emptive missile strike. And matching rottweilers.

"My secuirity guy can kill any one of you. As long as you attack him one-by-one in sequence, preferably"

"My secuirity guy can kill any one of you. As long as you attack him one-by-one in sequence, preferably"

Incredibly, Ellie Fanning decides to sign autographs rather than rush inside or burst into tears. Meanwhile, her single dude stands protectively to her right. Needless to say, the dealers saw the flaw in that strategy.

Incredibly, Ellie Fanning decides to sign autographs rather than rush inside or burst into tears. Meanwhile, her single dude stands protectively to her right. Needless to say, the dealers saw the flaw in that strategy.

I don't know who this is, but I'm hoping that she might have a mean right hook of the kind that Ellie Fanning presumably did not. The dealers are keeping their distance, which is intriguing.

I don't know who this is, but I'm hoping that she might have a mean right hook of the kind that Ellie Fanning presumably did not. The dealers are keeping their distance, which is intriguing.

The dealers suddenly dispersed, presumably to call for reinforcements or shore up logistical supply lines. I'm just pleased I can photograph a human being unosbtructed for a few frames!

The dealers suddenly dispersed, presumably to call for reinforcements or shore up logistical supply lines. I'm just pleased I can photograph a human being unosbtructed for a few frames!

The dude from The Hobbit (?) wasn't somebody the dealers recognised (I think they might have been swamping Tom Hiddleson at that point). Things had gotten bad enough at this stage, that some of the Dealers were complaining about the actions of the Dealers in swarming around stars. They ... didn't catch the irony of this. They may be cunning but they're hardly sophisticated.

The dude from The Hobbit (?) wasn't somebody the dealers recognised (I think they might have been swamping Tom Hiddleson at that point). Things had gotten bad enough at this stage, that some of the Dealers were complaining about the actions of the Dealers in swarming around stars. They ... didn't catch the irony of this. They may be cunning but they're hardly sophisticated.

Hold pose. Look awesome. It really is that simple. (I think the actor's name is Graham McTavish)

Hold pose. Look awesome. It really is that simple. (I think the actor's name is Graham McTavish)

This might possibly be another guy from The Hobbit? Meanwhile, somebody asked the security At The Door why they weren't doing anything. They explained that their jurisdiction only extended to the inside of the hotel. So once again, be advised : people everywhere are pricks.

This might possibly be another guy from The Hobbit? Meanwhile, somebody asked the security At The Door why they weren't doing anything. They explained that their jurisdiction only extended to the inside of the hotel. So once again, be advised : people everywhere are pricks.

I don't know who this is, but the dealers are off mobbing Tom Hiddleston again and the pressure on my corneas from having my camera shoved against my eyeballs is a sweet blessed relief. Also, I don't think I've been bitten. Apparently if an autograph dealer bites you, you turn into an autograph dealer.

I don't know who this is, but the dealers are off mobbing Tom Hiddleston again and the pressure on my corneas from having my camera shoved against my eyeballs is a sweet blessed relief. Also, I don't think I've been bitten. Apparently if an autograph dealer bites you, you turn into an autograph dealer.

Art shot. I have nothing and nobody else to photograph right now.

Art shot. I have nothing and nobody else to photograph right now.

"So it's 'Groovy Shallot in the sixth race, each way to place. You want an autograph or just ten quid for the bet?" Ben Drew aka 'Plan B' arrives.

"So it's 'Groovy Shallot in the sixth race, each way to place. You want an autograph or just ten quid for the bet?" Ben Drew aka 'Plan B' arrives.

Somewhere up there is somebody being mobbed for autographs. Or maybe somebody has fainted. Or punched an autograph dealer. I know which one all the normal people are hoping has occurred.

Somewhere up there is somebody being mobbed for autographs. Or maybe somebody has fainted. Or punched an autograph dealer. I know which one all the normal people are hoping has occurred.

Tom Hiddleston all but jogged to avoid the mob after doing a good 10-15 mins of signing. Sadly, not all the people mobbing him were fans, and those were some of the people he jogged past. Bit of a shame, really. I've never gotten his autograph.

Tom Hiddleston all but jogged to avoid the mob after doing a good 10-15 mins of signing. Sadly, not all the people mobbing him were fans, and those were some of the people he jogged past. Bit of a shame, really. I've never gotten his autograph.

Somebody has laid down a scrum for an impromptu game of Rugby that's broken out. Or at least I hope that's what happened, because if there's a Star under all that they might not escape with all their limbs / organs.

Somebody has laid down a scrum for an impromptu game of Rugby that's broken out. Or at least I hope that's what happened, because if there's a Star under all that they might not escape with all their limbs / organs.

And just in case you thought things couldn't get any more retardedly uncivilised, there WAS somebody in there! Noomi Rapace gets surrounded by zombies. And I would have helped but I felt honourbound to stay prepared should Charlize Theron show up. Also, you know... if you get bitten you're infected.

And just in case you thought things couldn't get any more retardedly uncivilised, there WAS somebody in there! Noomi Rapace gets surrounded by zombies. And I would have helped but I felt honourbound to stay prepared should Charlize Theron show up. Also, you know... if you get bitten you're infected.

Meanwhile, Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter films) needs to investigate a Rugby career, because he scythed through the ranks of dealers with great skill

Meanwhile, Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter films) needs to investigate a Rugby career, because he scythed through the ranks of dealers with great skill

An hour in, somebody finally called out some security. To use an analogy : The Horse? Bolted. Then it came back and freed more horses. Then they left. Then they came back to pick up some stuff in a hired van. Then they drove off. And *THEN THE STABLE DOOR WAS CLOSED*. Anyway, Jude Law arrives, signs a bit, then leaves. As do I.

An hour in, somebody finally called out some security. To use an analogy : The Horse? Bolted. Then it came back and freed more horses. Then they left. Then they came back to pick up some stuff in a hired van. Then they drove off. And *THEN THE STABLE DOOR WAS CLOSED*. Anyway, Jude Law arrives, signs a bit, then leaves. As do I.

 

So overall, this was an experience. To a certain extent, I blame the Dealers, but you know what? They're a bunch of animals who behaved like animals. It's like... if you leave your front door open and somebody steals your stuff, YES it's theft.

But .... you kind of know Bad People are out there, so you kind of have to lock your doors. Similar here - you know how Dealers are, and yet had no security. Well... it's not like the Dealers acted unpredictably.

It just sucks for Real Fans who actually came to meet people, and had their experience ruined by these scum, and had to write things like "This Blog Post"

Anyway, that's it for 2012, and a final entry into "The Archive of Movie Premieres". If you're after photos from the premieres of Jack Reacher, The Hobbit and The Double, y'all are going to have to look elsewhere, sadly. But (hopefully) Until Next time in 2013!!

Have a great Christmas and New Year!